TBD

Entroducing a Major League Baseball-UFC Hybrid

Thought. Major League Baseball has long suffered the stigma of being an old person's sport, seemingly without the action or intrigue to attract "the millennials". In an effort to combat this, there is potential to strike up a deal with Dana White and the UFC, and hold an off-season 10 match "super card" that pits the stars of MLB against one another in MMA-style battles. The event could take place outside in one of MLB's more climate appropriate stadiums (I'm thinking The Ballpark at Arlington or Chase Field and help bridge the gap of the long offseason.

I'm sure Michael Weiner and the Major League Baseball Players Association would TOTALLY sign off on this. I mean, it's not like there'd be any liability issues or anything?!?

Sure. Yes. Neat.

Here is a prospective first year card... 

CC Sabathia (Age: 31, Height: 6'7", Weight: 290 lb) vs Prince Fielder (Age: 27, Height: 5'11", Weight: 275 lb)

Analysis: The ultimate super heavyweight tilt that you could hope for in MLB. Huge contracts! Superstar profiles! Midriff bulge! Yes, it would mean we'd have to see the lumpy Prince in board shorts (barf!) but this could be the Andre the Giant vs Big John Studd for a new generation if marketed correctly. Epic in size, scale and appetite.
Verdict: CC

Tim Lincecum (Age: 27, Height: 5'11", Weight: 165 lb) vs Dustin Pedroia (Age: 28, Height: 5'9", Weight: 180 lb)

Analysis: On the other end of the spectrum, these two pint-sized superstars would very much like to put up their dukes, defending the honour of San Francisco and Boston respective. Honestly, I'm not sure how The Freak would do in the octagon, since he's just a "widdle guy" plus he's confessed a healthy appetite for the weed, which'd impact reaction times, etc. Pedroia is damn aggressive too. This one is easy to call.
Verdict: Dustin, quickly

Chris Carpenter (Age: 36, Height: 6' 6", Weight: 230 lb) vs Zack Greinke (Age: 28, Height: 6' 2", Weight: 190 lb)

Analysis: Milwaukee-St Louis is probably the best rivalry in MLB at the moment and I loved when these two had a war of words in the press during the post-season. In one corner, you have a lanky dude from New England with a cranky personality. In the other, you have the athletically gifted but mentally unsound enigma. Fascinating on a number of levels, especially when you consider that Carpenter's height advantage might be negated by Greinke's age and the fact he is a bit bipolar. Honestly, I would love to see these two beat on each other.
Verdict: Greinke but only by a slim margin

Brian Wilson (Age: 29, Height: 6'2", Weight: 205 lb) vs Jonathan Papelbon (Age: 30, Height: 6'4", Weight: 225 lb)

Analysis: Probably the two most annoying closers in MLB and now that JP has joined the Phillies, perhaps they'll get more opportunities to cross paths both on the diamond and off. Wilson tries way too hard to be a flake while Papelbon tries way too hard to be menacing... and has bad hair.
Verdict: Papelbon

Milton Bradley (Age: 33, Height: 6'0", Weight: 215 lb) vs Nyjer Morgan (Age: 31, Height: 6'0", Weight: 175 lb)

Analysis: Oh yes! These guys are both insane and would completely kick the (crap) out of one another. Bradley has a considerable weight advantage but is also very injury prone--his torn ACL was easily one of the most ridiculous sports injuries of the past 10 years. Morgan is probably angrier at this point in time, too. Another factor.
Verdict: Morgan in a surprisingly one-sided bust-up

Desmond Jennings (Age: 25, Height: 6'2", Weight: 200 lb) vs Brett Lawrie (Age: 21, Height: 6'0", Weight: 215 lb)

Analysis: In this service time spectacular, these two mid year 2011 rookies do battle in a match just oozing with swag. Honestly, this fight would be tremendous and would likely involve name callin' and showboatin'.
Verdict: Lawrie... or Jennings... I'm stumped

Rich Harden (Age: 29, Height: 6' 1", Weight: 195 lb) vs Erik Bedard (Age: 32, Height: 6' 1", Weight: 200 lb)

Analysis: Two ambulances would be waiting out back, as both these injury prone Canadians would no doubt be leaving the stadium in body bags. I mean, seriously, neither hurler can stay healthy enough to make it through a full MLB season so how are their weary bones and ligaments gonna react to the grind of an MMA bout? Badly. That's how.
Verdict: Harden by default, when Bedard trips in the ring steps and tears his left shoulder up again

Alex Rodriguez (Age: 36, Height: 6' 3", Weight: 230 lb) vs R.A. Dickey (Age: 37, Height: 6' 2", Weight: 220 lb)

Analysis: The Yankees-Mets rivalry has gone cold in recent years and this fight would really represent where both franchises are at circa right now. The Yanks would send arguably the greatest player of all-time and one of MLB's most familiar faces. The Mets would send a 30-something knuckleballer picked off the scrap heap. That being said, this could be a good underdog story and you shouldn't ever sell somebody with the last name Dickey short--he's probably been fighting to defend the honour of his last name his entire life.
Verdict: A-Rod although it'd be surprisingly close

Tim Wakefield (Age: 45, Height: 6'2", Weight: 210 lb) vs Omar Vizquel (Age: 44, Height: 5'9", Weight: 180 lb) 

Analysis: The two oldest players in MLB, one of whom (Wakefield) didn't really seem like an athlete to begin with. It'd be fun if this was a chessboxing-esque hybrid where the twosomes started things out by debating health care reform (Nancy Pelosi could moderate) and then had a rousing fist fight, showing that the mid 40s really is the new early 40s.
Verdict: "Omar comin'!!!"

Nolan Ryan (Age: 64, Height: 6'2", Weight: 170 lb) vs Robin Ventura (Age: 44, Height: 6'1", Weight: 185 lb)

Analysis: Celebrating the 20 year anniversary of one of MLB's most famous fights, Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura would have at it, as the assembled crowd chants, "One more time! One more time!" To up the ante and put something of a WWE spin on things, maybe Nolan would loose control of the Texas Rangers is he is defeated while Robin would immediately be fired from his freshly minted role as manager of the Chicago White Sox. Stakes is high, sons!
Verdict: Robin Ventura, in the ultimate act of comeuppance (via punching)

The Banishment of Archie "Snake" Simpson

A companion piece to The Emanicipation of Derek "Wheels" Wheeler, nothing bad ever seemed to happen to Wheels' co-best buddy Snake... or did it?!?

Sure, he was far less afflicted than most of his colleagues at Degrassi but that didn't mean that Snake wasn't devastated with some regularity.

Here is a peek at 10 moments that really sucked for Snake...

10. Snake's butterfly net

How humiliating? Joey, Wheels and Snake are trying to leave for the big weekend at Bronco's cottage (more on that later) and Mrs. Simpson humiliates her massive son by asking if he wanted to also bring his butterfly net. What a jerk!

9. Snake falls in the pool

A pivotal moment from the Summer from Hell, Snake was making his best efforts to mack on a pair of "lizadies" when he took a wrong step and fell backwards into the pool. WITH CLOTHES ON!!!! LOL!!! It's too bad because between the booty shorts and his liberal application of nose zinc, Snake-y Poo would've had those fare females eating out of the palm of his hand (so to speak).

8. Denied at the gentleman's club

Fake ID was a right of passage at Degrassi and Joey, Wheels and Snake plan a big Friday night at the local "peelers". They pool their funds but only 2/3 get to enjoy the show. Wheels and Snake make the cut but once inside, these dorks go "nom nom nom" on the Cokes and when they don't have enough bread for refills of their delicious soft drinks, the homely barmaid motions to the bouncer and Wheels and Snake are given the boot. Meanwhile, in an amazing scene, Joey is propositioned by a couple of ladies from "the oldest profession" but takes a pass, citing homework.

7. Reunited and it feels so bad

This was actually pretty edgy for the late 1980s: Snake's gay brother returns from college and says, "I'm gay too" in a jeep. Snake immediately becomes conflicted but eventually comes to grips with his feelings (and his brother's feelings about dudes). I love how "away at college" was a great plot device for television writers in the 1980s and 1990s, as a conduit for introducing an obscure brother or "friend of the family" that you wanted to introduce for a single episode and not make any commitment to long term. For further information, please refer to JB Slater, another sibling who came and went with the breeze.

6. The Zit Remedy breaks up

During Wheels' dark addiction to fries and video games, he sold his bass which effectively put the Zit Remedy on ice for years. Sure, they reunited in high school, eventually shooting a music video and hitting the casino circuit. But one could argue the soul of the band died when Wheels went off the deep end (and to a lesser degree, when they asked pretty boy Simon to join the band).

5. Not a playa

Snake was the Shawn Bradley of Degrassi but he really sucked at soccer. In fact, Wikipedia says he was "inept".

4. The car crash

Snake showed poor judgement when he allowed Joey to get behind the wheel of his parent's jalopy. Multiple times. He fell for the old "I just want to sit in the car" jibe and before long, a wild ride ensued that included an eye appointment and... wait for it... breakfast! The "Trust Me" episode filled an obscure quota that all 1980s television shows must contain a story arch involving underage children driving a car. 

3. Cold shoulder

Snake didn't know how to deal with the death of Wheels' parents. Blame immaturity but seriously, the lack of compassion that Snake showed Wheels was just plain cold, man.

2. Lakeside trauma

Putting his training to the test, Snake bravely dove into the lake and rescued the mysterious hussy Alison at Bronco's cottage. After the rescue, Snake was clearly shaken, tying a bow on what was the worst summer ever!!! Underrated subplot of the rescue: Luke and Yick dove into the water too, in spite of the fact that they were both fantastically stoned at the time (just check out Yick's clothes if you need proof). Given their state, it'd have been tragically ironic if one of these narbos also started to drown due to the fact they were overbaked.

1. Snake finds a corpse

"You alright?" asked Snake, as Claude bled from the skull in the boy's bathroom. No, the artsy Claude was not alright. Far from it. It took weeks, maybe months, of therapy and soul searching for Snake to overcome this tragedy and rightfully so. Too bad since this was probably Snake's best hair period during Degrassi's initial run.

The Emancipation of Derek "Wheels" Wheeler

... or what were the 10 greatest moments of Wheels' life?

Few characters in the annals of television/fiction/life were as snake bitten as Derek "Wheels" Wheeler. The sullen mainstay of the Degrassi franchise endured trauma after trauma through his character's various story arches and was clearly the most victimized person ever. Yick Yu may have been christened Mr. Yu the Disorganized but if the man born Griff needed a new nickname, it'd be something like Derek "Hard Luck" Wheeler. Yeah!!

The fact his adoptive parents perished in a car wreck is horrible enough. But really, that was just the tip of the iceberg for Wheels. Who could forget his creepy run-in with an overly friendly "salesmen" in Port Hope? Or that frigid night spent on Snake's porch after his lame grandmother told him to hit the bricks? Oh yeah, and he drove drunk and killed a toddler. Seriously, the dude was a pariah.

However, The Reset Button would like to shine the light on some of the happier, fun-filled moments in Wheels' life. In the spirit of positivity if nothing else. Sure, Wheels ended up in, um, prison but man, he had some hellacious moments along the way. Here is a Top 10 list, in descending order.

10. Wheels gets a perm
Underrated subplot of School's Out. Wheels' hair is tremendous in the movie and looks pretty cool even when he's rocking the wet look. They never really explained how his hair got so curly and so considerable. But frankly, it's a good... no, a GREAT look for him.

9. Fries for everyone!!!
Sure, Wheels' ended up homeless and sleeping on a porch in the "Home Sweet Home" episode of Degrassi High. But the first half was pretty awesome, as Mrs. Jeremiah was (unknowingly) bankrolling a serious fries and video game habit.

8. The postcard (from hell)
Wheels was positively tickled when he received a postcard from his birth father, giving "Big Guy" a brief glimpse at life on the road, playing "rock". Things ended badly when Wheels hoofed it to Port Hope but the postcard made the kid crack a smile at least. Unrelated, I've always wondered where this scene was shot--I'm assuming Etobicoke somewhere off the QEW but I could be wrong. And lastly, a missed opportunity for a latter plot would've been Wheels' dad joining the Gourmet Scum and Wheels responding by throwing ALL his Scum cassettes into a garbage can.

7. Wheels: The Book
This breaks the fourth wall a bit but that's OK, because having a book named after you is a total power move, fake or otherwise. I really like how this book is just called Wheels and it's going for over $64 retail.

6. "Everybody Wants Something": The music video
Wheels probably never looked happier than when the Zit Remedy finally shot a music video for their epic smash "Everybody Wants Something". What was never discussed in detail is why Lucy shot the bloody thing on a security camera?!?

5. Wooed by Stephanie Kay
For ego if nothing else, Wheels must have felt pretty studly when former Degrassi prez Stephanie Kay aligned DW in her cross hairs. This exciting compilation video (note: WTF?!?) does a fine job of detailing her courtship, something that ultimately fell apart much like everything else in Wheels' life.

4. A slightly racist stomach dance
This is another underrated moment in Wheels' saga, since dancing on-stage with a Mexican face drawn on his stomach and a giant sombrero on his upper body was completely out-of-character for Wheels. This moment is made all the more remarkable in that it came in the wake of Claude's suicide. Wheels didn't seem to care in the slightest, as he was ready to party.

3. Wheels and Heather make out
I don't know what's more amazing about this slice of porch-based fun between Wheels and Heather: the fact that Wheels was able to score a little action while wearing such a puffy shirt (and painted-on jeans) or the fact half the school watched through the window as if they'd never seen something like this before.

2. Wheels gets wheels
Wheels inexplicably became a total gearhead in School's Out and accordingly, producers outfitted him with a sweet ride. This beast was supposed to take Wheels out west so he could connect with the mysterious "Karen" but of course, his ill-fated trip to "grab some chips" in cottage country threw a wrench in those plans. Whatever... she was an excellent car while she lasted.

1. The Zit Remedy rock the prom
This was a great moment all around. The kids of Degrassi were clearly into it (they all clapped along, after all). Snake did a little freestyle thing midway through the song. It was such a powerful performance, it even managed in induce labour. Sadly, Wheels' life went down the toilet from this point onwards but at least he'll always have the prom.

"Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon" is dead

October 14, 2011 may very well go down as the date the music died for a generation of aging hipsters.

This was the date that the core twosome of beloved noise rock outfit Sonic Youth announced that the curtain was coming down on their 27 year marriage. The noisy, civic union shared by Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon is no more (Moore?) and the news administered a superkick to the faces of thousands of music fans worldwide.

Sure, a quarter century plus is a minor miracle for a couple that galvanized their marriage by jamming drumsticks into thrift store guitars and singing about Karen Carpenter's eating disorder. However, Sonic Youth managed to grow old gracefully and effectively became the Wilford Brimley of indie rock: oat-fed, wise and kinda, sorta reliably "there".

It's TBD whether Sonic Youth will remain an entity but I'm not sure it matters because a page is turned either way.

Upwards and onwards, the TMZ crowd is clamouring to see who Thurston and Kim will date next and much like David and Beth in "The Wait Out" episode of Seinfeld, there is no doubt a sea of cool guys and girls who would give up their 4-LP vinyl version of Daydream Nation to engage in a real life relationship with either of these two.

The Reset Button is here to help and has established some sophisticated criteria for what Thurston and Kim would potentially be looking for in a mate and some ballpark "scores" for potential mates based on this criteria. For the sake of simplicity, let's assume they'll both end up back with musicians and all musicians are single. Because neither assumption is true. That's OK.

Thurston's criteria
1- Feels cassette tapes were underrated as a format
2- Describes something as "avant-garde" at least once a day
3- Owns custom-fitted earplugs and minimum three (3) albums from the Nihilist Spasm Band
4- Not really into facial expressions
5- Claims to be a huge Rita Ackermann fan

Kim's criteria
1- Likes to dance ironically to Madonna's The Immaculate Collection
2- Enjoys going to fashion shows but would never admit that he enjoys going to fashion shows
3- Always felt Tina Weymouth was/is "kinda foxy"
4- Own a selection of very interesting corduroy trousers
5- His apartment smells like a musty bookstore and to a lesser degree, he smells like a musty bookstore

Thurston's matches
81% - Jennifer Herrema (ex -Royal Trux)
68% - Lydia Lunch (solo, ex-Teenage Jesus and the Jerks)
54% - Mary Lou Lord
53% - Yoshimi P-We (The Boredoms)
47% - Annie Clark (St Vincent)

Kim's matches
91% - Vincent Gallo
70% - Gerard Cosloy (ex-Dustdevils, Matador Records) 
66% - Michael Gira (Swans)
51% - Mick Harvey (ex-Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds)
32% - James Chance (James Chance and the Contortions)

Music Festivals: The Tapas of Concert Going

Festivals are to the "concert going" experience as tapas restaurants are to the "dining out" experience. Only way worse.

In both instances, you get to enjoy a range of options in bite-sized increments. Sometimes, your favourite performer will hit the stage and you'll rue the fact that you're 35,000 corpses deep in the crowd. At other times, the focaccia will be dry. And for both, you often want to hit the Wendy's drive-thru afterwords since you're likely still somewhat hungry.

One could argue that this model works far better for dining than it does for concert going. It's less commitment, more intimate, the washrooms are (typically) better and there is just more personal space overall. Music festivals seem better in theory than in practice and while they inevitably produce countless moments that are primordially badass, the effort and intestinal fortitude to be upfront at one of these events is considerable. And really, there is a small degree of likelihood that you are going to get a prime set from your favourite outfit. In lieu, you'll get something bookended by sound and time constraints, dwarfed on a massive stage and flanked by a sea of shirtless dopes with Affliction t-shirts rakishly tucked into their board shorts.

Plus you might get squished.

Music festival do have merit if you are going primarily for a social experience with friends in a "Hey, it's summertime! Let's do something summer-y"-type fashion. Otherwise, they can be painful.

(End mini-rant)

Saw this amusing Jpeg on Facebook this week.

Amusing and completely accurate--a true template of the typical composition of a North American music festival. Using this as a model, here are two hypothetical festivals (one all Canadian acts, one not so much) that could conceivably take place sometime, somewhere in 2012.

BIG ROCK SHOW 2012
Foo Fighters * Beastie Boys
Ray LaMontagne * Rick Ross * Ween * My Morning Jacket
Gov't Mule * Leftover Salmon * Galaxie 500 (BTW why haven't these guys reunited yet?!?) * Kele Okereke * Mogwai * Diane Birch * The Shaolin Afronauts * Washed Out * Boy Least Likely To

CANADIAN BIG ROCK SHOW 2012
The Arcade Fire * Rush
City and Colour * Kardinal Offishall * Sloan * The Sheepdogs
Matt Anderson * Blackie and the Rodeo Kings * Eric's Trip * Edwin and the Pressure * The Weeknd * Lights * Iya Ire * Socalled * Feist

Ten Mundane Concepts for Reality Television

In Extreme Couponing, everyday people save hundreds of dollars in trips to the store thanks to discount coupons. Tune in to TLC to see Extreme Couponing!

It was pretty jarring to learn that there was an actual TV program, built around footage of people using coupons at a local grocery store. Yes, I get that this isn't "couponing", it's "extreme couponing"!!! But still--it's pretty gnarly to think that something as banal as saving 30 cents deserves its own timeslot.

Therefore, The Reset Button would like to propose ten program concepts to the decision makers at TLC, Slice or anyone else that will listen--all no more or less mundane (... well, sometimes more) than a television program based on coupon redemption.

... Oh, and if anybody tries to lift any of these ideas, I will SUE yo' ass!!!

Crossing Guard Confidental
The life and times of a small town crossing guard (or "guards" as they call them in "the biz") in an unnamed Midwestern town. The series will address key issues such as accessorizing with fluorescent orange, the evolution of hand signals and the awkwardness of being a full-grown adult walking solo and having a crossing guard escort you through an empty intersection.

Dented
An inside look at discounted grocery items such as dented cans, expired medications and end-of-line SKUs. Includes some key quotes from grocery industry insiders ("Oh, those? Yeah, we just pile them in a broken shopping cart at the back of the store. We throw them out if they don't sell in about a month.") and various old people who like to rifle through the assortments in search of "treasures". The program also explores the indignation of writing the price directly on the packaging with a Sharpie pen, rather than a traditional price tag.

Bus Stop
A gritty examination of a local bus stop, unscripted and in your face. Some people listen to iPods, two ESL students quietly chat to themselves, somebody checks their watch. Captivating stuff.

24/7 Franks
We've all seen hot dog carts in Toronto that advertise themselves as 24/7. Were you ever curious to see who is patronizing these places between 6:00-10:00am? Now you can! Watch as new Canadians re-stock their coolers with soft drinks, stare aimless into nothing and fiddle with napkins. You'll also get an exclusive glimpse at the pivotal moment when our heroes decide to remove hour-old weiners from the upper grill and place them into the garbage.

Squirrel
A Wild Kingdom-style expose on the life of a squirrel in "the big city". While the sleeping scenes leave a lot to be desired, there is a fun episode where our furry friend contracts the mange. Narrated by James Earl Jones.

Confessions of a Blue Bin Sorter
Life moves fast for the guys and gals who get their mitts on our recyclables down at the sorting plant. You won't believe your eyes when you see some of the extreme items (styrafoam, blister packs, cloth) that end up on the assembly line. Early Emmy buzz for the engaging "So you think you can recycle linoleum?" episode.

Defrag Live
A engaging talk show that sees an everyday computer owner get their notebook defraged live in front of a studio audience. Join host John O'Hurley as he probes into the issues behind the defrag (Note: it's always some variation of "trying to free up disk space" or "removing unused programs"). To play up the technological theme, the announcer kicks things off with a rousing "Live from the Silicon Valley...".

The Off Season
In this gripping reality series geared at sports fans, producers look at what becomes of a local baseball diamond during the months of November through March. Oh, it might be covered with snow but that doesn't mean the action has the stop! Includes footage of people walking their dogs, office workers dining in their cars in the nearby parking lot and sporatic visits from local civic officials, keeping an eye on things.

Insole Asylum
A six-part docudrama about an everyman who gets insoles for his favourite pair of loafers. Watch as his posture improves slightly and he describes the act of putting on his shoes ("cushy") and taking off his shoes ("ooh, ah, ooh").

Change Jar
Pennies. Dimes. American pennies. You can find all these and much, much more in a change jar. Each episode will see a different Canadian flaunt their change jar, delving into the back story ("Been collecting since '04", "It's mainly pennies", "There's the odd button in there") with a degree of cadence and realism you don't see in most reality programming. The series will also attempt to answer the "Coin rolls: Friend or foe?" debate, with insight from some of the world's leading economists.

Ten Fake Name Swaps for Pro Sports Teams

Professional sports is full of some truly awful team names.

Some franchises move cities and yet cling to monikers that make little sense outside the radius of their former homes. Others get pressured by fundamentalists and other wimps to change names that are deemed too violent or in a moronic case outlined below, too EVIL.

Some are racist and outdated. Others are just confusing, awkward, lame and various other shades of terrible.

Here are 10 such names that should be switched pronto.

Utah Jazz => Salt Lake City Apostles
Easily the most disjointed name in team sports. This must stop NOW and if needed, David Stern could offer the Jazz monicker back to New Orleans (although I kinda like their existing name of "the Hornets" for some reason). Mormons is the obvious replacement but Apostles has a bit more of an edge to it and is way vaguer in the religious sense. Local scribes could have a lot of fun depicted games as battles of good against evil, and ownage on the hardwood could be referred to as "teachings" by the play-by-play crew.

Los Angeles Lakers => Los Angeles Millionaires
Another displaced atrocity of a name. Los Angeles borders on an ocean. They have the glorious Los Angeles River. But they don’t have significant lakes of any kind (Silver Lake doesn’t count). And yet owners chose to keep the Lakers name when they moved from Minnesota in 1960 and managed to become iconic in the process. A lot has changed in the past half century. Accordingly, is there a name more appropriate for an LA-based group of ballers than the Millionaires? A hard reality both in fact and attitude, the Lakers already have a collective bullseye on them in each city they visit so why not ratchet the swag up another few notches with this in-yo-face team name?

Memphis Grizzlies => Memphis Stax
The third and final NBA squad in the let's-move-the-team-but-keep-the-team-name-even-though-it-loses-any-geographical-relevance saga, the mental image of a 800 lb. grizzly bear lumbering around Tennessee is wrong and ridiculous. I'd go with Stax instead for a few reasons. First, it's a tribute to Stax Records, the celebrated mid-20th century record label that introduced Otis Redding to the world. Second, it has a nice parallel to other team names ending in "X" such as the White Sox and the Red Sox. Third, Stax just sounds tall. Like items stacked upon one another. This is wonderful.

Tampa Bay Rays => Tampa Bay Beaches
The Rays lost a lot of bite when they ceased to be called the Devil Rays after the 2007 campaign--a completely gutless move, aimed at appeasing religious types who I suppose didn't want any causal relationship between Evan Longoria and Beelzebub. Tampa Bay Rays sounds awful. Plus it rhymes, so it needs to get axed. Tampa Bay Beaches has a nice ring to it and is geographically accurate. And the best part: they could nickname Tropicana Field "the sand box". Roll THAT one around on your tongue a bit.

Dallas Stars => Dallas Lone Stars
A slight amendment to a name that should've been fixed properly when the team moved from Minnesota in 1993... there is a pattern emerging with bad team names originating in Minnesota BTW. I don't even like the name the Lone Stars but it's far less blasé than simply "the Stars". Also, this blandness extends to the Toronto dream pop band of the same name although somehow, I find the name "Stars" far less boring than if they were called "the Stars" for some reason.

Minnesota Wild => Minnesota²
The Wild is a wildly bad name for a pro sports franchise and makes little sense on multiple levels. No less absurd is a dorky spin on the Minnesota Twins name that is at least mildly interesting in addition to being wildly impractical for marketing purposes, etc. Mathematically speaking, it's also problematic since you would never have the need (or want) to multiply Minneapolis by Saint Paul. Semantics aside,  an alternative would be the Deuce, the Double Dip or the Twosome. Alternatively, they could just become the Minnesota Sami-Americans (or "The Sammies"). Which leads us to...

Winnipeg Jets => Winnipeg Regenerators ("The Reggies")
The first of two overly long team names that could be shortened into extreme sports glory!!! Yes, Winnipeg returning to the NHL with a team called the Regenerators would be entirely dated after their first full season back. But I dunno... the Reggies just sounds cool so maybe credit a clever bit of double entendre, referring to former Winnipeg Blue Bomber pivot (and BLT lookalike) Reggie Slack. Otherwise, there has to be concern with bad karma stemming from the Jets name.

Washington Redskins => Washington Representatives ("The Reps")
#offensiveteamnames. It's a wonder that this name has managed to stem the tide of this PC age, especially playing the shadows of the White House. Likewise…. Far less contentious would be the Representatives. Yes, it's a bit clumsy and a bit vague. But you could shorten it to "The Reps" and it could refer to both the House of Representatives or the fact that they're representing the civil servants, file clerks and deadbeat dads of DC out on the gridiron.

Colorado Avalanche => Colorado Elevators
Naming your squad after extreme weather is lame. The Hurricanes, the Lightning, the obscure Tacoma Tsunami. It seldom works plus you run the risk of marginalizing the loved ones of people struck by lightning, blown away by hurricanes, etc. The Colorado Avalanche is another offender so an alternative is the Elevators, referring largely to the thin air of Denver. Bonus points for a quality abbreviated name ("The Eles") and the potential for some nifty newspaper headlines (i.e. "A season of ups and downs for the Elevators", "The Eles give the Red Wings the shaft").

New Jersey Nets => Brooklyn's Finest
I won't take credit for this. Bill Simmons has already gone to bat for the switch, to take hold upon the Nets' move to Brooklyn. Very much related, mad respect to Big Poppa.

Special Report: A History of Violence... featuring Saved by the Bell

Violence was always a key ingredient in the maggoty stew that was Saved by the Bell.

The popular late 20th century teen crime-drama detailed the comings and goings at Bayside High School, a fictitious institute in southern California that was populated by various archetypes of the day. The program was very hedonistic and at times, quite lurid. Some Bayside students experimented with drugs. Others were promiscuous. Blackmail was rampart. Loud rock music was everywhere. Students were very fashion forward, with a preference for bright t-shirts, acid washed denim and Zubaz. Nourishment… well, many Bayside students subsisted of low grade hamburgers and French fries. Leadership was a struggle, as principal Richard Belding often engaged in conflict with staff and students. His long running feud with Mr. Tuttle threatened to shake Bayside to its very core.

An aside: The notion of somebody “purchasing” Bayside was a story arch used more than once. I can only speak from my own high school experience but not once was there ever a threat of Thornlea Secondary School being purchased by seedy developers. In the unlikely event this happened, the decision would be made at the Board of Education level whereas at Bayside, it was up to Mr. Belding and a few students to thwart these advances. This was very unrealistic.

Anyway, the point to be made here is that Bayside was clearly an environment that bred violence. Much like the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) and to a lesser degree, Bumfights, the opportunity to review these battles from afar is actually a valuable exercise and a true study of the human condition. Analysis provided below.

Zack Morris versus AC Slater
This was maybe the most fierce and hotly contested rivalry in the history on Bayside. On the one hand, you had a cocky, WASP-y scam artist and on the other, a spry, vascular Latino upstart. Give Zacky Poo credit—he held his own with one of California’s finest high school wrestlers. “Preppy” and “Jerk” are both lucky they didn’t crack their skulls on the cement. I don’t remember the circumstances of Mr. Belding’s get-up but I seem to remember that once his wig came off, all was forgotten (could be wrong here).



Zack Morris versus Screech Powers
Good friends. Better enemies. This was a very tense moment as Screech called Zack on his womanizing ways and blatant disregard for Screech’s “dream” of bedding Lisa. I can see why Screech was upset with “this creep in a stunning wool blazer” but in fairness, Lisa expressed time and again that she wasn’t interested. In fact, she indirectly asked Screech to kill himself more than once. An underrated observation: Screech and Zack were actually a comparable height at this point so coupled with some “nerd rage”, this might’ve actually been a solid tilt if they came to blows.

Zack Morris versus a door
A terrible, terrible piece of entertainment. For a guy famous for breaking the fourth wall, Zack takes things to an idiotic extreme by walking into an INVISIBLE fourth wall and mangling his ACL. The scene seems inprobable and rushed. Also, since when was Zack on the basketball team... or any team?!?

Zack Morris versus Derek Morris
A perverse glimpse into the early days of mobile phones, as father and son chat on their brick phones as radiation leaches into their brain matter. Zack's old man looks a bit like a more handsome David Letterman and I enjoy how the YouTuber who posted this vid titles it "Derek Morris", as if to insinuite that this isn't really Zack's father. The term "Zack Morris phone" may have just been galvinized by this scene.

Mr. Belding versus Rod Belding

Another family fued and (sadly) the second mention of Rod Belding on The Reset Button blog. If you missed it, Rod was Mr. Belding's deadbeat brother and a young man with an appetite for extreme behaviour and "the ladies". Mr. Belding kicks Rod and his Canadian tuxedo out of his school (and assumedly, out of his life) in yet another example of a character who appeared in a single episode and was never, ever acknowledged again.

Reset: Nine Fake Lead Singer Swaps

In music, it is bad form to be switching a lead singer mid-stream. Often, it's extenuating circumstances that leads to the swap, such as death, drugs or death due to drugs. But for every "Van Hagar" apologist, there is a laundry list of other failed roster moves....

- He might've been a "strange animal" but did we really need to hear Gowan belting out "Mr. Roboto" for Styx?

- Huh? Blind Melon has a new singer?

- Did anybody really need to see something called the Germs perform again, complete with an actor aping Darby Crash?

- ETC. 

Sadly, it is inevitable that some of our favourite musicians will bung up the works. Goddam hedonists! So in a bit of a pre-emptive strike, here is a list of nine potential lead singer trade-ins that could be "interesting" if not "good". 

Roxy Music => Replace Bryan Ferry with Jarvis Cocker from Pulp

Pulp were essentially an updated version of Roxy Music. So clearly, Jarvis Cocker was an updated version of Bryan Ferry, what with the drole lyrics, soulful yet spastic dance moves, prole upbringings masked in invented glamour and so on. 

Unrelated, the first decade of Roxy Music should win some kind of award for being awesomely popular, critically adored and yet impossibly bizarre. Check out this frantic version of "Editions of You" for proof. It almost seems like a goof but is undeniably amazing at the same time. The pants alone are incredible.

KISS => Replace Gene Simmons with Rob Zombie

It's a bit dodgy for a man over 60 to be skulking around stage in grease paint, pretending to be a demon. Best we sub in a 40-something who would at least take a few less minutes to limbre up in the green room.

My Bloody Valentine => Replace Kevin Shields and Bilinda Butcher with Jason Pierce from Spiritualized/Spacemen 3 and Liz Fraser from the Cocteau Twins

Somebody needs to seize two decades of studio work from Kevin Shields and let Jason Pierce work out the kinks with some airy vocal assistance from Liz Fraser. This would actually be pretty wild. And probably underwhelming given the wait.

Flaming Lips => Replace Wayne Coyne with Tim DeLaughter from Tripping Daisy/Polyphonic Spree

It's a wonder that more people haven't called out Tim DeLaughter from aping not ONE but TWO versions of the Flaming Lips--first with his fuzzy guitar/squeaky vocal band Tripping Daisy during the 1990s and second with his fatalistic/densely orchestrated/squeeky vocal band the Polyphonic Spree in the 2000s. Seems like a decent enough guy but not bringing much to the table in terms of originality.

Wilco => Replace Jeff Tweedy with Steve Earle

From vocals to songwriting to pill relapses, management should maybe just put Wilco on autopilot from now on and do a bit of a job share thing between these two fellas who have both "done a lot of livin''. There is continuity.

Portishead => Replaceme Beth Gibbons with Antony Hergarty from Antony and the Johnsons

She didn't seem too interested in "doing" Portishead for the last decade so why not swap in the oddly versatile, oddly prolific Antony? Similar voice, albeit coming from a more supple face.

Gorillaz => Replace Damon Albarn with James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem

James Murphy has a bit of time now that he's mothballed LCD Soundsystem and certainly, he is every bit as connected as Damon Albarn is these days for those expected guest spots. Considering Snoop Dogg and Lou Reed both appeared on the last Gorillaz' full-length, it seems the project is going a bit Stateside anyway so why not hand Murphy the keys and put a real Eastern seaboard spin on the next chapter.

The Arcade Fire => Replace Win Butler from Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes

From widely divergent paths, Oberst has veered into Arcade Fire territory a few times recently; see "Clairaudients (Kill Or Be Killed)" or "Jejune Stars". I dunno. This somehow seems workable. Neither party is very animated and Oberst would add a few pudgy suburban teenagers to the fan base.

Arctic Monkeys => Replace Alex Turner with Carl Barat from the Libertines

Pretty sure the Monkeys have acknowledged a clear debt to the Libertines, in sound, attitude, etc. so this swap could be done seamless and hopefully, would stall any more sadly forgettable solo efforts. For the time being.

Special Report: Ten Ideas for Game-based Movies

In honour of the newly minted film based on the board game Battleship (Note: Why is this happening?), here are 10 fresh outlines for other movies based on games.

In reality, none of these are really more or less farfetched than a friggin' Battleship flick.

Pictionnary
Genre: A cheaply produced made-for-TV movie, fishing for a distributor
A clinically shy 'tween decides he is only going to "speak" from now on via drawings on pad and paper. A strange part of this decision is that he carries around an egg timer and assigns time limits to everything he draws. His WASP-y parents (Timothy Busfield and Judith Light ) show concern.

Asshole
Genre: A wacky buddy comedy
Within the halls of a faceless suburban industrial park, two lowly file clerks (Jack Black and Jason Segal) playfully assign themselves the titles of Asshole and Vice Asshole and plot to overthrow their company's President (Steve Martin) and Vice President (Dan Ackroyd). In a sudden and provocative plot twist, the Asshole becomes the Vice President, the Vice Asshole moves down to become the Asshole, the Vice President becomes the Vice Asshole and the President stays the President.

H.O.R.S.E.
Genre: An inspirational sports/action flick
Henry "Horse" Johnson (Terrence Howard) is a down-on-his-luck janitor in Washington DC. The one-time collegiate basketball star was thwarted by knee injuries and "the bottle" and yet through it all, he remains a talented long range shooter. He befriends a local "baller" (Lil' Romeo) heading to Syracuse to play college ball and teaches him about being a man, one swish at a time. The film features a number of ill-advised cameos from obscure NBA role players such as Del Curry, Jason Kapono and Hubert Davis.

Balderdash
Genre: A subtle dark comedy from the UK
A pathological liar (Steve Coogan) spends much of his day making up words, fooling friends and co-workers, and causing everyone to merrily wet themselves with laughter. His frustrated wife (Kelly Macdonald) wonders if her husband feels that LIFE is a game!!! A rival pathological liar from "the wrong side of the tracks" (Jim Jefferies) arrives in town to match wits with our lead, begging the age old question: can you trick a trickster?!?

Red Ass
Genre: A short film from an OCAD student
In this extremelly pretentious student film, a group of young men (metaphorically) throw a tennis ball against a wall, for fear of having the VERY SAME BALL hurled at their buttocks. One unfortunate soul is then subjected to a flogging. Nearby, a group of young girls talk amongst themselves. The film features no dialogue, a lot of interpretive dance and no props or sets. Shot entirely on a Flip camcorder.

Red Rover
Genre: A very suspenseful angst film
In the near future, US border guards are forbidden from using weapons, vehicles or barriers of any kind. In lieu, they are required to rely on sheer will and physicality to protect their border. A leathery Mexican drug lord (Danny Trejo) is shown wringing his hands in delight and aligns a mob of his most trusted mules to inundate Texas with a flood of cocaine and other savoury delights. Standing in his way is an ambitious lead guard (Channing Tatum) who aligns his forces in dramatic fashion—a human chain of hand-holding juicers. The Americans prepare to entrap (and hug) any of the heavies heading their way--a true Mexican standoff! The first mule makes a beeline for El Paso and breaks through the human chain. As part of an understanding, this forces the US to send one of its guards to go live in Mexico. This continues for a while until everybody gets bored and goes home.

Seven Up
Genre: A vapid "Rom Com" gears at suburban teenagers
A selection of self-involved, 20-something New Yorkers (Hilary Duff, Shia LeBeouf and others) experience love and lost in Manhattan. With gentle nods to the occult, wooing takes place via random taps to the skull, with the various characters speculating on who their potential mates are. The rest of the film features tweaked-out shots of the characters transfixed on their Twitter accounts, talking about their clothes, what restaurants they're about to visit and speculating about when Friday will arrive. Michael Keaton collects a pay cheque as “Dad”.

Duck Duck Goose
Genre: An animated Pixar extraveganza!
A lively cartoon that features a wacky assortment of talking ducks (voiced by John Lithgrow, Kristen Schaal, Chris Tucker and others) that adhere to various stereotypes (the hick, the gang banger, the spunky tom boy, the austere father). The fowl find themselves afflicted with a mysterious neurological disorder that turns them into geese. The only cure? Encircle other ducks and then run in opposing circles. Rinse and repeat. Much hilarity ensues. The effort is universally panned by critics and children alike.

Sorry!
Genre: A drug movie
In this art house bait, we are provided a glimpse into the minds of various strangers stuck on a New York commuter train (Chloë Sevigny, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Aubrey Plaza, David Cross, Crispen Glover and others). Much of the film takes place in dream sequences and features the strangers jumping over one another, going down slides, saying to one another, “Hey, sorry!”, etc. It's trippy. Heavily influenced by Gus Van Sant.

Jenga
Genre: A tedious dialogue-fuelled drama
Dallas 2012. Greedy land developers (Chris Cooper, Joan Allen, Jeff Daniels) plot to build the largest freestanding tower on Earth through a very strange construction technique that involves air lifting individual weather-sealed wood planks and piling them one atop of another in an adjacent fashion. A rival developer (Sam Rockwell), looking for a piece of the action, begins to contribute to the process through his own series of orchestrated air lifts. Will the building topple before the planet's stock of individual planks runs out? I dunno but the future of Dallas lies in the balance.

Special Report: TSN: The Movie

It was recently announced that Fox has optioned Those Guys Have All the Fun in hopes of turning it into a "major motion picture". This sprawling (and at times, unreadable) book, detailing the history of the ESPN, doesn't really seem like something you'd need to see on the big screen but it's really no more or no less scriptworthy than Moneyball so anything is possible, I suppose. BTW, an early suggestion? Kevin Kline as Keith Olbermann? See what I did there, girlfriend.  

Personally, if I were CTV, I'd run some interference and make a poorly acted made-for-TV movie about the first quarter century of TSN. They are "Canada's sports leader", after all. Some of the items I'd like to see depicted include...
- The genesis of TSN's unique "spotlight" logo
- Some salacious tales of mischief at Don Leslie-Eglinton
- Why did every dude in my high school seem to own a TSN sports bag?
- More information about Darren Dutchshyn striking a groom at his own wedding. Did this really happen and why wasn't it a bigger story?!?
- More about the First Choice Superchannel Three Pack. It's an exciting new offer.

Here are some thoughts on who could play 15 of the biggest superstars of the TSN era:
Darren Dutchyshen => Chris Klein
Gord Miller => Ed Lynch
James Cybulski => Jason Patric
Jennifer Hedger => Jeri Ryan
Jim Hughson => Craig Kilborn
Jim Van Horne => Jeff Foxworthy
John Wells => a middle aged Jackie Mason
Lisa Bowes => Helen Hunt
Michael Landsberg => a middle aged James Woods
Michael Wallen => Fred Willard
Mike Toth => Christopher Knight
Paul Romanuk => Kevin Pollak
Rod Black => a young Harry Reemes
Teresa Hergert => Illeana Douglas
Vic Rauter => Jeff Hutcheson

Sadly, we weren't able to come to terms with a fake Gino Reda.

Reset: The Police Academy franchise

It looks like they've mothballed the reported remake of Drop Dead Fred (DDF) starring Russell Brand (no news since this initial 2009 report). But whether this gets rebooted or not, it's a prime example of Hollywood CONSIDERING a remake of a movie that clearly doesn't need to get remade. The original did little at the box office, wasn't well reviewed and probably isn't even remembered by 95% of the movie-going public. And yet somewhere, in some SoCal backlot, it was contemplated that DDF 2.0 needed to "get got". This is clearly an industry that is completely out of ideas at times and I will strike your face if you suggest this would merely be a chance to get DDF "right" this time around.

A lot of movies exist in the cultural vacuum of their time and would seem trite, mundane, plodding or irrelevant if modernized (the discussed remake of The Crow comes to mind). Comedy might be the ultimate genre to fall victim to this theory, since a lot of film humour demands context. To be considered funny on a wide scale, a film (or comedy, in general) relies on the viewer to make certain concessions to the period when the film was made, in terms of pacing, costume, cinematography, etc. Even humour that is somewhat timeless (i.e. not topical) can seem really dated based on factors outside the material itself. For example, it's hard not to focus on Jerry Seinfeld's feathered locks even though his inane "observations" are as funny and poignant in 2011 as they were in 1985.

OK, clearly what I'm trying to get at here is a passionate discussion of a theoretical Police Academy franchise reboot. Loose math.

Honestly, I'm surprised this hasn't happened yet (update???) since (A) Police Academy was required viewing for all children born in the 1970s and (B) a lot of key Hollywood decision makers fall within this bracket. Yes, the humour was a little blue, a little tasteless but what 8-year old didn't ROFL when Hooks pulled out her considerable piece and uttered, "Don't move, dirtbag!!!" In retrospect, I'm not sure why this is even funny, especially considering that it was so predictable since she did this in the final 10 minutes of each installment. And yet goddamit, this might've been the most often repeated movie for 7-8 years olds between the years 1985 and 1988. It spoke to us.

But revisit the second paragraph and gauge whether any of this is still funny. I'm on the fence.

Notable for the impressive view count and the fact the young man looks like Wheels

I don't really get why this is funny at all. Also, the music is uplifting and the actor who played Tackleberry is dead.

The animated version, featuring a theme by the underrated Fat Boys.

Akademie 3

Here is a rundown of casting for the franchise reboot, featuring new players in key roles:

Steve Guttenberg => Paul Rudd as Cadet Carey Mahoney
Kim Cattrall, Collen Camp, Janet Jones and others => Elisa Cuthbert as token blonde officer/love interest
Bubba Smith => John Salley as Cadet Moses Hightower
Michael Winslow => David Alan Grier as Cadet Larvell Jones
David Graf => Patrick Warburton as Cadet Eugene Tackleberry
Bruce Mahler => Ed Helms as Cadet Douglas Fackler
Marion Ramsey => Frangela as Cadet Laverne Hooks + 1 twin sister (a rare 1-for-2 fakeout)
G. W. Bailey => Lewis Black as Lt. Thaddeus Harris
Lance Kinsey => TJ Miller as Sgt. Proctor
George Gaynes => Ted Danson as Cmndt. Eric Lassard
Howard Hesseman => John Lithgow as Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard
Tim Kazurinsky => Jeffrey Asch as Cadet Sweetchuck
Brian Tochi => Bobby Lee as Cadet Tomoko Nogata
Bobcat Goldthwait => Andy Dick as Cadet Zed

Bye.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (The Wire edition)

The second in a series of indeterminate length, The Reset Button applies Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to the popular HBO social drama, The Wire. At each level, a Wire character is chosen that best represents the needs and aspirations of that level.

Also, to reiterate, the Hierarchy of Needs is easily one of the Top Five worst triangles ever. So played, dawg. And something only used by first year university students trying to grasp at "depth". Not unlike thumbtacked prints of "The Kiss" or Portishead CDs. Or talking about The Wire.

Source: http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm

Physiological Needs: These include the most basic needs that are vital to survival, such as the need for water, air, food and sleep. Maslow believed that these needs are the most basic and instinctive needs in the hierarchy because all needs become secondary until these physiological needs are met.

Security Needs: These include needs for safety and security. Security needs are important for survival, but they are not as demanding as the physiological needs. Examples of security needs include a desire for steady employment, health insurance, safe neighborhoods and shelter from the environment.

Social Needs: These include needs for belonging, love and affection. Maslow considered these needs to be less basic than physiological and security needs. Relationships such as friendships, romantic attachments and families help fulfill this need for companionship and acceptance, as does involvement in social, community or religious groups.

Esteem Needs: After the first three needs have been satisfied, esteem needs becomes increasingly important. These include the need for things that reflect on self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition and accomplishment.

Self-actualizing Needs: This is the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Self-actualizing people are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling their potential.

Physiological => Bodie
Once a solider, always a solder. If Bodie was any indication. Even when this "young'un" was named the Barksdale crew chief in Season Four, it was purely by default since most of his contemporaries were either dead or in prison. Time and again, Bodie was unable (or perhaps, unwilling) to rise above a purely Physiological existence, in spite of obvious "street smarts" and developing relationships with law men Ellis Carver, Thomas "Herc" Hauk and eventually, Jimmy McNulty. He was merely a doer and whenever he found himself in a more amped-up role, poor judgement kicked him in the fanny, often fuelled by petty relationships squabbles and a short fuse. His demise, a swift and brutal shot to the head from Michael Lee, was a fitting end to a life entirely cuffed to the street.
Also considered: Dukie, Bubbles, Ziggy Sobotka

Security => Chris Partlow
Chris Partlow was a cold, heartless murderer but so effin' cerebral in the way he filled that role, it was hard not to like the guy. One could argue that Partlow's handiwork was the single biggest factor in Marlo Stanfield's rise to top of the West Baltimore drug game as Partlow excelled both at protecting existing turf and leading conquests onto new corners. In short, he WAS safety. He WAS security. And his mentoring of young Michael was a rare glimpse into Partlow extending his talents beyond shooting haters in the face.
Also considered: Dennis "Cutty" Wise, Frank Sobotka, Bunk Moreland













Love/Belonging => D'Angelo Barksdale
Arguably the most conflicted character in The Wire's five year run and a case study in the challenges that all middle managers face. D'Angelo's role was an unfortunate mixture of cat herding and keeping his Uncle Avon and Mommy Brianna satisfied. D'Angelo showed a lot of humanity, in part through interactions with his young son and in part because actor Larry Gilliard has a naturally sad looking face (it's true). No doubt, D'Angelo felt some degree of belonging, love and affection from within the Barksdale crew but considering his life ended slumped over in "the clink" with a belt around his neck, it'd be tough to argue that D'Angelo ever truly found the full attachment he was looking for.
Also considered: Kima Greggs, Omar Little, Michael Lee

Esteem => Ellis Carver
A late bloomer, Ellis Carver matured from a rough n' tumble goofball in early seasons to a poised, polished Sergeant in Charge by Season Five. The distancing between Carver and his ol' running buddy Herc was an underrated subplot that enjoyed an engaging slowburn as the series progressed. And by the end, Carver began to achieve various Esteem needs by displaying a surprisingly degree of integrity that was sorely lacking in most other Wire characters. This was a quality, complex character--I'd argue that the impassioned manifesto he unleashed atop the cop car to kick-off Season Three was the death of old Carver and the birth of new Carver, aided by several visits to Hamsterdam that led to many WTF stares of bemusement.
Also considered: Avon Barksdale, Rhonda Pearlman, Clay Davis













Self-actualization => Marlo Stanfield
There were "good guy" options and "bad guy" options plus several shades of grey. But in the end, no Wire character best exemplified Self-actualization the way Marlo Stanfield did. From his first appearance in Season Three, Stanfield's one goal was to seize West Baltimore from the Barksdale crew and he did so fairly easily in retrospect. Stanfield achieved his goal (and to sound like a complete blowhard, "his destiny") by being 100% self-aware of what he was: a calculated mercenary who never allowed emotions or feelings or empathy to impact his ambition. Stanfield soldiers kicked a ton of fanny during their takeover and if his blaise facial expressions were any indications, there was zero remorse or hesitation from Stanfield. "... some place to be" indeed.
Also considered: Cedric Daniels, Tommy Carcetti, Stringer Bell