"Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon" is dead

October 14, 2011 may very well go down as the date the music died for a generation of aging hipsters.

This was the date that the core twosome of beloved noise rock outfit Sonic Youth announced that the curtain was coming down on their 27 year marriage. The noisy, civic union shared by Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon is no more (Moore?) and the news administered a superkick to the faces of thousands of music fans worldwide.

Sure, a quarter century plus is a minor miracle for a couple that galvanized their marriage by jamming drumsticks into thrift store guitars and singing about Karen Carpenter's eating disorder. However, Sonic Youth managed to grow old gracefully and effectively became the Wilford Brimley of indie rock: oat-fed, wise and kinda, sorta reliably "there".

It's TBD whether Sonic Youth will remain an entity but I'm not sure it matters because a page is turned either way.

Upwards and onwards, the TMZ crowd is clamouring to see who Thurston and Kim will date next and much like David and Beth in "The Wait Out" episode of Seinfeld, there is no doubt a sea of cool guys and girls who would give up their 4-LP vinyl version of Daydream Nation to engage in a real life relationship with either of these two.

The Reset Button is here to help and has established some sophisticated criteria for what Thurston and Kim would potentially be looking for in a mate and some ballpark "scores" for potential mates based on this criteria. For the sake of simplicity, let's assume they'll both end up back with musicians and all musicians are single. Because neither assumption is true. That's OK.

Thurston's criteria
1- Feels cassette tapes were underrated as a format
2- Describes something as "avant-garde" at least once a day
3- Owns custom-fitted earplugs and minimum three (3) albums from the Nihilist Spasm Band
4- Not really into facial expressions
5- Claims to be a huge Rita Ackermann fan

Kim's criteria
1- Likes to dance ironically to Madonna's The Immaculate Collection
2- Enjoys going to fashion shows but would never admit that he enjoys going to fashion shows
3- Always felt Tina Weymouth was/is "kinda foxy"
4- Own a selection of very interesting corduroy trousers
5- His apartment smells like a musty bookstore and to a lesser degree, he smells like a musty bookstore

Thurston's matches
81% - Jennifer Herrema (ex -Royal Trux)
68% - Lydia Lunch (solo, ex-Teenage Jesus and the Jerks)
54% - Mary Lou Lord
53% - Yoshimi P-We (The Boredoms)
47% - Annie Clark (St Vincent)

Kim's matches
91% - Vincent Gallo
70% - Gerard Cosloy (ex-Dustdevils, Matador Records) 
66% - Michael Gira (Swans)
51% - Mick Harvey (ex-Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds)
32% - James Chance (James Chance and the Contortions)

Music Festivals: The Tapas of Concert Going

Festivals are to the "concert going" experience as tapas restaurants are to the "dining out" experience. Only way worse.

In both instances, you get to enjoy a range of options in bite-sized increments. Sometimes, your favourite performer will hit the stage and you'll rue the fact that you're 35,000 corpses deep in the crowd. At other times, the focaccia will be dry. And for both, you often want to hit the Wendy's drive-thru afterwords since you're likely still somewhat hungry.

One could argue that this model works far better for dining than it does for concert going. It's less commitment, more intimate, the washrooms are (typically) better and there is just more personal space overall. Music festivals seem better in theory than in practice and while they inevitably produce countless moments that are primordially badass, the effort and intestinal fortitude to be upfront at one of these events is considerable. And really, there is a small degree of likelihood that you are going to get a prime set from your favourite outfit. In lieu, you'll get something bookended by sound and time constraints, dwarfed on a massive stage and flanked by a sea of shirtless dopes with Affliction t-shirts rakishly tucked into their board shorts.

Plus you might get squished.

Music festival do have merit if you are going primarily for a social experience with friends in a "Hey, it's summertime! Let's do something summer-y"-type fashion. Otherwise, they can be painful.

(End mini-rant)

Saw this amusing Jpeg on Facebook this week.

Amusing and completely accurate--a true template of the typical composition of a North American music festival. Using this as a model, here are two hypothetical festivals (one all Canadian acts, one not so much) that could conceivably take place sometime, somewhere in 2012.

BIG ROCK SHOW 2012
Foo Fighters * Beastie Boys
Ray LaMontagne * Rick Ross * Ween * My Morning Jacket
Gov't Mule * Leftover Salmon * Galaxie 500 (BTW why haven't these guys reunited yet?!?) * Kele Okereke * Mogwai * Diane Birch * The Shaolin Afronauts * Washed Out * Boy Least Likely To

CANADIAN BIG ROCK SHOW 2012
The Arcade Fire * Rush
City and Colour * Kardinal Offishall * Sloan * The Sheepdogs
Matt Anderson * Blackie and the Rodeo Kings * Eric's Trip * Edwin and the Pressure * The Weeknd * Lights * Iya Ire * Socalled * Feist

Reset: Nine Fake Lead Singer Swaps

In music, it is bad form to be switching a lead singer mid-stream. Often, it's extenuating circumstances that leads to the swap, such as death, drugs or death due to drugs. But for every "Van Hagar" apologist, there is a laundry list of other failed roster moves....

- He might've been a "strange animal" but did we really need to hear Gowan belting out "Mr. Roboto" for Styx?

- Huh? Blind Melon has a new singer?

- Did anybody really need to see something called the Germs perform again, complete with an actor aping Darby Crash?

- ETC. 

Sadly, it is inevitable that some of our favourite musicians will bung up the works. Goddam hedonists! So in a bit of a pre-emptive strike, here is a list of nine potential lead singer trade-ins that could be "interesting" if not "good". 

Roxy Music => Replace Bryan Ferry with Jarvis Cocker from Pulp

Pulp were essentially an updated version of Roxy Music. So clearly, Jarvis Cocker was an updated version of Bryan Ferry, what with the drole lyrics, soulful yet spastic dance moves, prole upbringings masked in invented glamour and so on. 

Unrelated, the first decade of Roxy Music should win some kind of award for being awesomely popular, critically adored and yet impossibly bizarre. Check out this frantic version of "Editions of You" for proof. It almost seems like a goof but is undeniably amazing at the same time. The pants alone are incredible.

KISS => Replace Gene Simmons with Rob Zombie

It's a bit dodgy for a man over 60 to be skulking around stage in grease paint, pretending to be a demon. Best we sub in a 40-something who would at least take a few less minutes to limbre up in the green room.

My Bloody Valentine => Replace Kevin Shields and Bilinda Butcher with Jason Pierce from Spiritualized/Spacemen 3 and Liz Fraser from the Cocteau Twins

Somebody needs to seize two decades of studio work from Kevin Shields and let Jason Pierce work out the kinks with some airy vocal assistance from Liz Fraser. This would actually be pretty wild. And probably underwhelming given the wait.

Flaming Lips => Replace Wayne Coyne with Tim DeLaughter from Tripping Daisy/Polyphonic Spree

It's a wonder that more people haven't called out Tim DeLaughter from aping not ONE but TWO versions of the Flaming Lips--first with his fuzzy guitar/squeaky vocal band Tripping Daisy during the 1990s and second with his fatalistic/densely orchestrated/squeeky vocal band the Polyphonic Spree in the 2000s. Seems like a decent enough guy but not bringing much to the table in terms of originality.

Wilco => Replace Jeff Tweedy with Steve Earle

From vocals to songwriting to pill relapses, management should maybe just put Wilco on autopilot from now on and do a bit of a job share thing between these two fellas who have both "done a lot of livin''. There is continuity.

Portishead => Replaceme Beth Gibbons with Antony Hergarty from Antony and the Johnsons

She didn't seem too interested in "doing" Portishead for the last decade so why not swap in the oddly versatile, oddly prolific Antony? Similar voice, albeit coming from a more supple face.

Gorillaz => Replace Damon Albarn with James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem

James Murphy has a bit of time now that he's mothballed LCD Soundsystem and certainly, he is every bit as connected as Damon Albarn is these days for those expected guest spots. Considering Snoop Dogg and Lou Reed both appeared on the last Gorillaz' full-length, it seems the project is going a bit Stateside anyway so why not hand Murphy the keys and put a real Eastern seaboard spin on the next chapter.

The Arcade Fire => Replace Win Butler from Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes

From widely divergent paths, Oberst has veered into Arcade Fire territory a few times recently; see "Clairaudients (Kill Or Be Killed)" or "Jejune Stars". I dunno. This somehow seems workable. Neither party is very animated and Oberst would add a few pudgy suburban teenagers to the fan base.

Arctic Monkeys => Replace Alex Turner with Carl Barat from the Libertines

Pretty sure the Monkeys have acknowledged a clear debt to the Libertines, in sound, attitude, etc. so this swap could be done seamless and hopefully, would stall any more sadly forgettable solo efforts. For the time being.

Special Report: Canadian Musical Copycats 2.0

For an explanation to how this “game” works (… and remember, LIFE is a game), read here.

Two. Point. Oh. Regulators!!!!

Images in Vogue – Canada’s answer to the Psychedelic Furs
There are probably a dozen other UK outfits that you could sub in for the Furs—Ultravox might be a good alternative. And yet whatever the causality, the early Images in Vogue singles seemed to be written by template, taking cues (and liberties) from the British New Wave of the age and ensuring that every last key and every last ounce of melodrama aligned perfectly with whatever was spilling out of the Motherland. “Lust for Love” especially sounds like the finest Furs’ song never recorded and when you contemplate Richard Butler’s love of aping David Bowie, you can establish a very nice continuum twice removed.

Alfie Zappacosta – Canada’s answer to Steve Perry
The Eighties were a good… no, a great time for homely looking dudes who were brimming with confidence and weren’t afraid to grow out their hair into a nasty poof of flaxen locks. Ex-Journey singer Steve Perry was one. Toronto’s Alfie Zappacosta was another. And by another, I mean another Steve Perry. “We Should Be Lovers” has to be in the Top Five of videos where the song is completely inconsistent with the visuals. The clip features a Jello wrestling motif and our hero making out with some androgynous lady (guy?) wearing a modified do rag and puffing away on a cigarette holder. It’s pretty dire. Also, pervy move by Alfie, sniffing that girl's shirt.

Candi and the Backbeat – Canada’s answer to Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
This… I mean, this was SOOOO blatant. And if the aesthetic similarity between these bands weren’t obvious enough (see image above), Candi and friends released a song called “Under the Latin Moon” as their first track, maybe in efforts to deflect the epicentre of offensive, vaguely-Latino Top 40 from Miami to Toronto. It didn’t work. Unrelated, the Candi drunk driving PSA, featuring a stiff flatlining, was tremendous and completely ineffective.  I mean, why would anybody take this sobering advice from somebody who didn’t even have a last name?!?

Tom Cochrane – Canada’s answer to John Cougar Mellencamp
This suggestion is bound to miff Red Rider completists. And I’m OK with that. Slowly but surely, Tom Cochrane (TC) morphed from a pig-faced, Floyd-acknowledging rocker into a gruff, rootsy rocker, along the lines of John Cougar Mellencamp (JCM). TC’s metamorphosis was complete when he wore a tassled suede jacket in the “Life is a Highway” video.

Jr Gone Wild – Canada’s answer to The Replacements
The career arcs of Edmonton’s Jr Gone Wild and Minnesota’s Replacements are startlingly similar...
* Phase I: Thrash bands who played a lot of hardcore punk rock shows even though neither outfit were truly a hardcore punk rock band
* Phase II: College rock bands that refined their original sound and created music that was catchy enough to attract the ears of Co-eds but gritty  enough to distance itself from anything on commercial radio
* Phase III:  AAA-type bands in their golden years. The Replacements imploded amid personality conflicts with Nirvana borrowing from the band’s image (and getting paid for it). Jr Gone Wild poured on the country towards the end with Wilco borrowing from the band’s image (and getting paid for it). 

Mystery Machine – Canada’s answer to Sunny Day Real Estate
Yeah. Lots of expressive guitars. Wordy vocals. Northwestern roots. Solid but kind of forgettable bands overall. Although there is a small core of individuals (I know at least two) who suggest that Mystery Machine were the premiere Canadian band of the Nineties. “Wake Up Pill” was a strong track. 

Sum 41 – Canada’s answer to blink-182
The naming convention alone makes this a no brainer, since Sum 41 blew up in the wake of blink-182’s popular “mall punk” sound. In comparison, Sum 41 seemed more bratty and honestly, blink-182 had some serious songwriting chops if you ask me. “Adam’s Song” was kind of awesome.

The Salads – Canada’s answer to 311
The strange thing about the Salads is that they were essentially a dead ringer for 311 and yet showed up several years after 311 had already crested commercially. I supposed loud frat boy party tunes never really go out of style (at least amongst loud frat boys) but this positioning seemed way to obvious, even in the moment. We’re not dealing with the most refined pallet here but still…. BTW, The Salads is an awful band name. Without checking, I assume they call themselves The Salads because they blend lots of musical styles together, much like a salad blends lots of vegetables together. Not good.

Alice Glass – Canada’s answer to Karen O
This is a study of where the artists align in a physical sense, if not a sonic sense. As an observer, it would seem that Alice Glass from Toronto’s Crystal Castles took more than a bit of inspiration from Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. And it’s quite possible considering (A) the Castles broke 4-5 years after the YYYs did and (B) their hair is similar. Other similarities include leather, heavy eye shadow, Converse sneakers, a penchant for jumping into crowds (and flailing about once there) and deadpan expressions. Interestingly, the Crystal Castles and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs have actually inched closer to one another soundwise too, especially since the last Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ full-length, It’s Blitz!, was bathed in kind of aggressive electronics that the Castles specialize in.

Jully Black “Seven Day Fool” – Canada’s answer to Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black
From what I know about Jully Black, she seems like a pretty cool chick. She doesn’t take herself too seriously. She seems to put a lot of heart into what she does. But holy hell—Black releasing “Seven Day Fool” mere months after Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black album blew up was clearly the work of somebody trying to "make bank" on a trend. “Seven Day Fool” was incongruent with anything that Black had released prior… and pretty congruent with about half the tracks on Back to Black. The video didn’t help. It’s hard to judge the song on its own merits since it was birthed in the shadow of something that was entirely fresh at the time and yet in its own way, completely regressive (in some ways) to Sixties’ girl groups, early Eighties’ ska and a bunch of other styles. It is messy analogy but one based on ton of evidence.

Reset: The Pavement Song Book

Blame R.E.M.

... for effectively making it OK (and even expected) to invent song titles that have absolutely nothing to do with the lyrics, melody or subject matter of the song in question. They exhibited it here. And later on here. And even here. In fairness, they picked their spots and yes, it gave R.E.M. a certain mystique that was hard to penetrate in the pre-Internet age. 1986. Etc.

Later on, some outfits took this model to an extreme whereby they not only assigned song titles that confused listeners; in some instances, they were grammaticalyl incorrect... or weren't even words(!!!) See Aphex Twin.

It's neither a good thing or a bad thing. It's just a thing. And nobody glommed on to this "thing" to the extent that Pavement did. Especially early in their career, Stephen Malkmus and friends took great delight at confusing listeners with noisy noise rock that was strangely tuneful and yet completely obscured behind obtuse song titles and scribbly album art. The band ultimatey parlayed this willful obscurity into becoming one of the most critically lauded outfits of the last quarter century. Somehow in spite of their efforts. Not because of them. They were/are special.

Here is a look at what their discography may have looked like if they "played it straight" when naming their songs. Perhaps they would've become R.E.M. if they weren't born difficult.

Revised titles in bold type.

Slay Tracks (1933–1969) EP (1989)
1. You're Killing Me
2. Box Elder
3. Maybe Maybe
4. She Believes
5. Price Yeah!

Demolition Plot J-7 EP (1990)
1. Forklift
2. You Shouldn't Hate Your Body ('cause It's Part of You) - formerly Spizzle Trunk
3. Recorder Grot
4. Internal K-Dart
5. I Wasted - formerly Perfect Depth
6. Recorder Grot (Rally)

Perfect Sound Forever EP (1991)
1. Heckler Spray
2. From Now On
3. Ask Me - formerly Angel Carver Blues/Mellow Jazz Docent
4. Drive by Fader
5. Debris Slide
6. Pull My Lips Band and Watch Me Smile - formerly Home
7. Krell Vid-User

Slanted and Enchanted (1992)
1. Summer Babe (Winter Version)  
2. Trigger Cut/Wounded Kite at :17
3. No Life Singed Her
4. What I Want - formerly In the Mouth A Desert
5. I'm Tryin', I'm Tryin' - formerly Conduit For Sale!    
6. Zürich Is Stained
7. Bogged Down - formerly Chesley's Little Wrists
8. Loretta's Scars
9. Here
10. Two States
11. Radio Active - formerly Perfume-V
12. Fame Throwa
13. One Holy Life - formerly Jackals, False Grails: The Lonesome Era
14. It Never Comes - formerly Our Singer

Watery Domestic EP (1992)
1. A Texas Mile - formerly Texas Never Whispers 
2. So Much Style - formerly Frontwards 
3. Two Colors - formerly Feed Them To The Lions (Linden) 
4. Don't Expect - formerly Shoot The Singer (1 Sick Verse) 

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain (1994)
1. Silence Kit   
2. Why You're Complaining - formerly Elevate Me Later
3. Stop Breathin'
4. Cut Your Hair
5. Brand New Era - formerly Newark Wilder
6. (Let's Burn the) Hills of Beverly - formerly Unfair   
7. Gold Soundz
8. 5-4=Unity
9. Range Life
10. Heaven Is a Truck
11. Hit the Plane Down
12. I Need to Sleep - formerly Fillmore Jive

Wowee Zowee (1995)
1. We Dance
2. Rattled By The Rush
3. No One Has a Clue - formerly Black Out
4. We Got The Money - formerly Brinx Job
5. Dying on These Streets - formerly Grounded  
6. Serpentine Pad
7. Let Me Be - formerly Motion Suggests
8. Angel of Corpus Cristi - formerly Father To A Sister Of Thought
9. Extradition  
10. Best Friends Arm
11. Grave Architecture
12. Room Service Calls - formerly AT&T  
13. Let You - formerly Flux = Rad
14. Fight This Generation
15. Why Didn't I Ask? - formerly Kennel District
16. You Don't Move - formerly Pueblo
17. Dream About the Witch Trials - formerly Half A Canyon
18. Western Homes

Brighten the Corners (1997)   
1. Stereo  
2. Shady Lane  
3. Transport Is Arranged  
4. Magic Lands - formerly Date with IKEA  
5. Old To Begin  
6. Type Slowly  
7. Embassy Row  
8. Luster - formerly Blue Hawaiian  
9. We Are Underused  
10. Passat Dream  
11. Starlings Of The Slipstream  
12. Prison Architects - formerly Fin  

Terror Twlight (1999)
1. Spit On A Stranger
2. Pardon My Birth (I Just Slipped Out) - formerly Folk Jam  
3. You Are A Light
4. One Way Track - formerly Cream Of Gold
5. Major Leagues
6. Serengeti Nightmare - formerly Platform Blues
7. Ann Don't Cry
8. Billie 
9. Speak, See, Remember
10. The Hexx
11. ...And Carrot Rope

Special Report: Ten Non-Goth Goth Songs

This is a definition of "gothic rock" from our friends over at Wikipedia. Thanks!

Gothic rock takes the guitar and synthesizer sounds of post-punk and uses them to construct "foreboding, sorrowful, often epic soundscapes". According to music journalist Simon Reynolds, standard musical fixtures of the genre include "scything guitar patterns, high-pitched basslines that often usurped the melodic role; beats that were either hypnotically dirgelike or 'tribal'". Reynolds described the vocal style as consisting of "deep, droning alloys of Jim Morrison and Leonard Cohen". Many goth bands use drum machines that do not stress the back beat in the rhythm. Also, they tend to play the flanging guitar effect, producing a brittle, cold, and harsh sound that contrasted with their psychedelic rock predecessors. Gothic rock typically deals with dark themes addressed through lyrics and the music atmosphere. The poetic sensibilities of the genre led gothic rock lyrics to exhibit literary romanticism, morbidity, religious symbolism, and/or supernatural mysticism.

Ok, fair enough. So this covers the Cure, Bauhaus, the Birthday Party, Sisters of Mercy, etc. But what about the first Sinead O'Connor album? Kinda sorrowful and kinda epic if you ask me. What about Godspeed You! Black Emperor? In the late Nineties, nobody was making soundscapes like these super serious Montrealers. PLUS they sang about a wallet full of blood. A wallet full!

Also, into the conversation, you need to add the Smashing Pumpkins, the Stranglers, Screamin' Jay Hawkins, Johnny Cash, Grace Slick (enjoyed making scary faces at the camera), the Rapture, Warpaint, Sarah McLachlan, Helium. And how about Enya? By definition, Enya could be considered goth as (heck)!

The point of this hyperbole is that in a sea of ridiculously vague musical subgenres, few are as ridiculous as "gothic rock". And to help burst the bubble of thousands of suburban white kids clad in black dusters, here is a list of ten non-goth goth songs. Prove me wrong!

“A Song for Europe” by Roxy Music

Bryan Ferry straddles the line between creepy and goth on “A Song for Europe”, an early indication that Roxy Music had way (slightly?) more depth than the topless females on their album covers would indicate. A disjointed eulogy to the continent, Ferry growls and brays his way through the lyrics, rhyming “sorrow” and “no tomorrow” (pretty goth!!) , and sounding positively bummed throughout. Bonus points for the bizarre outro that features Ferry scatting in Latin and French—hey, he’s bummed so cut him some slack. The finest song that Nick Cave never wrote.

“(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult

What’s not to like/fear about “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper”: unsettling guitar riffs, emotionless vocals, lyrics that talk about dying AND that dastardly SOB, “the reaper”. That’s messed up! Blue Oyster Cult never came close to matching the commercial success of this 1976 downer and yet they continue to make bread on the casino circuit, chugging away and busting out this track that could easily be filed as the first true goth rock song IMHO.


"In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins

Who knew this annoying bald dude could pen such a dark, dour number … and get props from such known haters as Nas and Eminem in the process. Phil Collins’ minor key masterstroke was recorded over 30 years ago but holds up IMHO and in fact, becomes more and more spooky as the world continues to move away from analog. May I be so bold as to suggest that given the song was recorded in 1979, it easily could’ve taken off a small amount of its studio sheen and slotted nicely on to Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures. Sounds ridiculous but seriously, I don’t think it’s so farfetched. The video is equally as terrifying: a prolonged close up of Phil Collins’ face(!!)

“Edge of Seventeen” by Stevie Nicks

Stevie Nicks always had a bit of a Wiccan edge to her and she brought this side of her coked-out self to the mainstream on “Edge of Seventeen”, anchored by its trademark guitar riff and Nicks’ mournful lyrics about death and dying. For years, I thought this was a Concrete Blonde track, which is ridiculous considering Nicks’ trademark howl is amongst the most recognizable in rock music. Sadly, the song became slightly less goth when Destiny’s Child decided to sample it for “Bootylicious”. Jelly goth.


"Feeling Gravitys Pull" by R.E.M.

This track is most memorable for the disjointed guitar work of Peter Buck that kicked off R.E.M.’s difficult third full-length, Fables of the Reconstruction. “Feeling Gravitys Pull” still sounded like R.E.M. but also sounded a bit… off. Steep in a vague exploration of the mythology of the South (if you believe Wikipedia, anyway), this is one of the more creepy cuts from the R.E.M. discography and grows more and more obtuse on repeat listens. It sounds like a band trying to reclaim its edge by throwing spooky stuff into the works, even though the fop-haired mid-Eighties Michael Stipe was a massive wimp and would look like a complete tool in a black trench coat.

"The Ledge" by the Replacements

Minneapolis might not strike the average listener as a very goth city but there is something pretty unsettling about this 1987 number from the Replacements. Paul Westeberg and friends seem like the type of band who'd prefer to injure goths rather than serenade them. And yet the despondent chord structure and lyricism of "The Ledge" is filled with plenty of angst and isn’t too far removed from The Mission and bands of this ilk. After all, “The Ledge” is not only about ledges—it’s about people who are looking to jump off ledges. Unfortunately, the tune looses a few points for mentioning donuts. Maybe they’re blood-filled donuts. It doesn’t specify.

"Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson

“Thriller” is not goth so don’t go there, girlfriend! But maybe, just maybe, this somewhat-forgotten single from Bad is. “Dirty Diana” is supposedly about a groupie gone bad. So in MJ's case, it's about a bratty 8-year old boy. It’d be hard for MJ’s massive vocals to pull off a legit goth track but with some help from Billy Idol's guitar player Steve Stevens, he gave it his best shot on "Dirty Diana". If this ever ended up in the hands of Peter Murphy or Gavin Friday, there would be some serious potential for some minor key madness.

"Come Undone" by Duran Duran

It’s pretty amazingly that an antiquated act like Duran Duran struck commercial gold in 1993, given the tastes of the day veered strongly towards flannel and gansta rap. Maybe it’s because the band used a few delicious droplets of goth to build out “Come Undone”, a sultry, sleezy ode to… um, coming undone. It’s certainly way more pop than goth. But still—the vocals and guitar set a sinister tone. Plus the video is pretty badass, as there are few things more goth than sea turtles and crustaceans.

"Here With Me" by Dido

Very similar in sound and feel to the aforementioned Duran Duran track, the debut single from Dido is urban and haunting and textured. Her audience may have been largely teenage girls but whatever the case, Dido took a page from Sarah McLachlan and created a Top 20 smash that was both memorable and just a bit sinister—a tough double play to pull off. Unfortunately, the marketing machine behind Dido never gave her a chance to become a hero to the pale teenagers in black nail polish, considering she looked more like a 12-year old boy than a banshee.

"Hometown Glory" by Adele

This song should be considering goth if only due to the fact that is rallying against one’s hometown is practically a national pastime in the Goth Nation (GN). I blame society. Again, Adele doesn’t look the part but her sense of drama and dynamics (and her love of black clothing) could render her a goth icon if she was spun a bit differently. Instead, she got a bit too soulful and is now selling out hockey arenas. Oh well. Liz Fraser would have a field day with this cut. Hometowns suck.

Special Report: Canadian Musical Copycats 1.0

There is no denying that art influences art. As one of the finest (and most shallow) thinkers of our time once quipped: What is art? Are we art? Is art art?

This fact has never been lost on cagey record labels and A&R types, who tend to focus on artists who seem familiar rather than those who don't. Nowhere was this more apparent than in Canada during the latter third of the 20th century, when a great many of the Canadian artists you'd hear on the radio were essentially the domestic counterparts of popular favourites from the United States or UK. Sometimes, the lines drawn were completely superficial and had little to do with how the music actually sounded. They had more to do with pants and lighting and hair and sunglasses.

Example: the video for I Mother Earth "So Gently We Go". The clip seemingly was influenced by the videos for Temple of the Dog "Hunger Strike" and Blind Melon "No Rain"--in retrospect, 1992-1994 was a watershed time for "Hey, look at us! We’ve set up our instruments in a field!" music videos. Now, not only was I Mother Earth similar to these other bands in their desire to crouch in long grass, they were also similar in their look and appearance: reasonably good looking white guys in hemp necklaces and considerable haircuts. But otherwise, these three outfits were pretty different in terms of how they sounded. I Mother Earth were friggin' heavy when they wanted to be. Blind Melon were quirky and poppy, almost veering into Violent Femmes territory at times. Temple of the Dog were austere and earnest. But the end game was the same: Canadian fans of Temple of the Dog and Blind Melon now had a new band to enjoy with minimal effort and transition. Again, purely from a superficial level since they'd never even consider getting into I Mother Earth if they looked like the guys in Poison. This was 1994.

Canadian popular music history is wrack with these kind of case studies but to be fair, it works both ways.

One could suggest that Toronto's Fifth Column helped pave the way (and mold the template) for the unbathed ladies of Bikini Kill, Huggy Bear and much of the Riot Girl movement, considering their roots go back to the early Eighties. As an aside, Fifth Column had a tune called "The Fairview Mall Story" about a gay police shakedown that took place at this North York shopping plaza during the mid-Eighties. It was rather exciting to hear people singing about Fairview (in spite of the subject matter) since I grew up five minutes away. I only wish Hayden, Poledo or the Scam Artists could've written a tune about the much maligned Thornhill Square during its heyday. Hot Diggity Dog, Key Nook--we will never, EVER forget you.

Likewise, the Germs (or at least their brain dead singer, Darby Crash) were basically a SoCal version of what Steve "Nazi Dog" Leckie and the Viletones were doing up north months prior. However, one could also argue that both these numbskulls were just taking Iggy Pop's shtick and putting a regional spin on something that wasn't theirs to begin with.

So yeah, both ways but moreso Canada aping elsewhere. Here are 10 life-altering proof points. All “net new”.

Lighthouse - Canada's answer to Chicago

To be honest, this is based entirely upon a decade long confusion between "Saturday in the Park" and "Sunny Days". Turns out both tunes were released in 1972 and both outfits put out their debut full-length in 1969. I'm going to plead ignorance on this since I wasn't ever born when this was all going down.

Dalbello - Canada's answer to Cyndi Lauper

OK, this is more like it and similar to the I Mother Earth/Temple of the Dog/Blind Melon example from earlier. Lisa Dalbello seemed to be cultivating an image that was very similar to Cyndi Lauper, with bits of Siouxsie Sioux thrown in for good measure. But sound-wise, miles apart. Lauper was Top 40 all the way, focusing on party tunes and big ballads. Dalbello was more obscure, sounding like a less theatrical version of Kate Bush or Grace Jones with hooks awash in the overproduced, synth-heavy style of the times. Unrelated, Dalbello's "Tango" is a candidate for most ridiculous-yet-awesome track of 1987.  She is also somewhat foxy in the facial department. I mean, she looks a bit like a fox.

Doug and the Slugs - Canada's answer to Huey Lewis and the News

Sweaty, brash bar bands with gregarious everymen out front. This one is way, way too obvious. The late Doug Bennett never had the chiselled good looks of Huey Lewis but that didn't stop he and his Slugs from capitalizing on the... Wikipedia update: Many of the Slugs' biggest hits actually hit before the News had their first Billboard Top 10 smash. So perhaps the climate was just right for blue collar rock bands that appealed to factory workers who enjoyed a solid pop hook but found the Cars and Cheap Trick "too weird". Let's go with that.

Kon Kan - Canada's answer to the Pet Shop Boys

This is interesting. Based on marketing alone, you’d think Kon Kan were positioned to be Canada’s answer to the Pet Shop Boys: two dudes—one out front delivering deadpan vocals with the other in back, messing around with a synthesizer and seemingly the “brains” of the operation. Often while wearing a hat. Um, this sounds like Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe to a tee, no? And yet in sound and composition, one could argue that Kon Kan were more akin to M|A|R|R|S or the Timelords, since all three outfits managed to score mainstream hits with quirky sampling and dance beats, effectively predating the whole early 00s mash-up craze by over a decade. Interesting indeed and I still think “I Beg Your Pardon (I Never Promised You a Rose Garden)” is one of the more bizarre singles to ever make the Canadian Top 20.

Sheree – Canada’s answer to Taylor Dayne

I seriously hope there was a meeting at BMG’s Canadian HQ in the late Eighties where some skeevy dude with a ponytail uttered, “Find me Canada’s Taylor Dayne. Pronto!” Or something like that. It’s one of the only plausible explanations as to why Sheree (not to be mistaken with Sheree) got signed. In fairness, Taylor Dayne was kind huge at the time so it was a calculated risk. But it both instances, it showed that sassy blondes often have a limited shelf life in the music business, with the possible exception of Edgar Winter.

Bootsauce - Canada's answer to the Red Hot Chili Peppers

An embarrassment on multiple levels, Bootsauce might be the ultimate Canadian copycat example of the last quarter century. For those not hip to the scene, Bootsauce were a group of funky customers from Montreal who were barfed out on to Much Music in the early Nineties, après the success of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Jane’s Addiction and other groovy rock bands featuring shirtless dudes playing slap bass. These guys were super annoying and yet scored a few mid-sized hits, namely  a cover of Hot Chocolate’s “Everyone’s a Winner”. Luckily, they had zero staying power while the Peppers quickly veered into M.O.R. territory by the late Nineties. Lesser of two evils?

Delerium - Canada's answer to Enigma

The concept of blending beats, Gregorian chants and classical is still pretty obtuse by today’s standards but also completed dated considering the notion enjoyed its commercial peak close to two decades ago. Enigma pioneered this sound with their creepy 1990 smash “Sadeness” (what’s with the extra ‘e’ BTW?!?) and birthed a few ill-advised imitators. Delerium were one such outfit as some dudes from Front Line Assembly smoothed their MO post-“Sadeness” to spit out a few decent singles that appealed to smug urban dwellers. Then, Portishead showed up and everybody glommed on to that for a while. File all this (stuff) under “What would Dead Can Dance do?” and I guarantee that people wouldn’t have danced to “Flowers Become Screens” if Enigma hadn’t come first.

The Gandharvas – Canada’s answer to Blind Melon

This is an example that is entirely based on two tracks: the aforementioned “No Rain” and the Gandharvas’ only major commercial smash, “The First Day of Spring”. May I be so bold as to suggest it’s impossible to like one without liking the other? The vocals, the arrangement, the timing, the clothes. Everything points to YES and everything points to somebody trying to break this London outfit as Canada’s trippy, dippy approximation of Blind Melon. Even better, you could argue that the Gandharvas second biggest track “Downtime” was basically a Canadian take on the Pixies’ earthy classic “Dig for Fire”. So similar, man!

SIANspheric - Canada's answer to My Bloody Valentine and/or Slowdive

Burlington, Ontario shoegazers SIANspheric clearly took notes when listening to their Slowdive and My Bloody Valentine albums, as their mammoth debut Somnium was heavily indebted to these bands in sound, texture and even cover art. That being said, it seems that anybody who was a fan of this album or saw SIANspheric live would contend that they were every bit the equal of their UK forefathers and have subtly released one of the stronger Canadian debut albums in recently memory. But man, the cover art for Somnium looks like a dot matrix equivalent of Loveless.

The Stills - Canada's answer to Interpol

A final example and one that took place right as the record industry was imploding. The Stills were marketed as dark, brooding and influenced by the murky edges of Britpop and Joy Division/the Cure/etc. Essentially, the exact same image that Interpol used to bust out of New York in 2002. Unfortunately, Interpol were kinda drab and their songs didn’t really have legs beyond their year of release IMHO. The math is pretty simple if you extend to the Stills.

Reset: Charity Supergroups of the Eighties

What

In the mid-1980s, something pop musicians liked… no, LOVED to do was…

- organize themselves via the telephone

- gather in large recording studios with plenty of news crews present (often wearing sweaters)

- stand in tiered formations  on carpeted sound stages (all bodies facing the same direction)

- belt out overwrought tunes, often with eyes welled shut and a metric ton of earnestness.

Now, good natured bitchiness aside, the charity supergroup phenomenon no doubt raised millions for those in need (namely, starving Ethiopians) and drew awareness to causes in need of awareness. That’s a good thing. The trend kinda fizzled by the end of the decade, in spite of fine efforts from Voices That Care (featuring an incredible bevy of singing NBA talent plus Kenny G, Orel Hershiser, Fred Savage... it's kind of incredible) and We’re All in the Same Gang (featuring a strangely thuggish Tone-Loc and the last known sighting of JJ Fad).

We’re about due for a renaissance so this reset of USA for Africa, Northern Lights and Band Aid is a great first step. Enjoy!

Components

Too many to list here. See resets below with a few snide remarks for good measure.

Replacement Parts

USA FOR AFRICA

Al Jarreau => Akon

Bette Midler => Queen Latifah

Billy Joel => Bruno Mars

Bob Dylan => Tom Petty

Bob Geldof => Chris Martin (Coldplay)

Bruce Springsteen => Eminem

Cyndi Lauper => Lady Gaga

Dan Aykroyd => Mike Myers

David Paich and Steve Porcaro (Toto) => Andrew VanWyngarden and Benjamin Goldwasser (MGMT)

Diana Ross => Mariah Carey

Dionne Warwick => Mary J Blige
Hall & Oates => 3OH!3

Harry Belafonte => Enrique Iglesias

Huey Lewis and the News => OK Go

Jacksons, The => Backstreet Boys
James Ingram => T-Pain

Jeffrey Osborne => Cee Lo Green

Kenny Loggins => Jason Mraz

Kenny Rogers => Kenny Chesney

Kim Carnes => Sara Bareilles

La Toya Jackson => Ke$ha

Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac) => Rob Thomas

Lionel Richie => Usher

Michael Jackson => Justin Timberlake

Paul Simon => Jack Johnson

Pointer Sisters, The => Black Eyed Peas, The

Quincy Jones => Timbaland

Ray Charles => Randy Newman

Sheila E => P!nk

Smokey Robinson => Maxwell

Steve Perry (Journey) => Patrick Monahan (Train)

Stevie Wonder => John Legend

Tina Turner => Beyonce

Waylon Jennings => Steve Earle

Willie Nelson => Kris Kristofferson

Notes

- The Springsteen/Eminem reset may raise a few eyebrows. But seriously, Eminem probably “speaks” to as many average Americans in 2011 as “The Boss” did back in 1985.

-  The hardest reset may have been the Pointer Sisters. Is there even a popular girl group remaining in this climate? I’ve never really thought about it but after Britney Spears showed up, all the marketing went into creating divas rather than girl groups. Unique! I yearn for Zhane.

- Why did Dan Akroyd sing on this track? He was neither American nor a musician. What a farce!

- The highlight of any music by USA4A 2.0 would no doubt be T-Pain and Akon’s Autotuned contributions. Can you be earnest via Autotune? Doubt it.

NORTHERN LIGHTS, THE

Aldo Nova => Down with Webster

Alfie Zappacosta => Matthew Good

Andy Kim => Steven Page

Anne Murray => Shania Twain
Brian Good (Good Brothers, The) => Dallas Good (Sadies, The)

Bruce Cockburn => Ron Sexsmith

Bryan Adams => Sam Roberts

Burton Cummings (Guess Who, The) => Gord Downie (Tragically Hip, The)

Carole Pope => Tegan and Sara

Catherine O'Hara => Caroline Rhea

Corey Hart => Justin Bieber

Dan Hill => Jann Arden

Eugene Levy => Will Arnett
Frank Mills => Tony Quarrington

Geddy Lee (Rush) => Win Butler (Arcade Fire, The)

Gordon Lightfoot => Robbie Robertson

Jane Siberry => Basia Bulat

John Candy => Seth Rogen

Joni Mitchell => Sarah McLachlan

Kim Mitchell => Colin James

Liberty Silver => Jully Black

Lisa Dalbello => Bif Naked

Lorraine Segato (Parachute Club, The) => Martina Sorbara (Dragonette)

Marc Jordan => Daniel Lanois

Mark Holmes (Platinum Blonde) = Jacob Hoggard (Hedley)

Martha Johnson (Martha + the Muffins) => Emily Haines (Metric)

Mike Reno (Loverboy) => Chad Kroeger (Nickelback)

Murray McLauchlan => City and Colour

Neil Young => Leonard Cohen

Oscar Peterson => Diana Krall

Paul Anka => Matt Dusk

Paul Hyde (Payola$, The) => Carl Newman (New Pornographers, The)

Paul Shaffer => Bob Rock

Ronnie Hawkins => Greg Keelor (Blue Rodeo)

Tom Cochrane => Matt Mays

Tommy Hunter => Paul Brandt

Notes

- Clothes aren’t important but goddam, the original “Tears Are Not Enough” video has at least a dozen seriously questionable fashion choices. Even by mid-Eighties standards. Anne Murray's jumpsuit, for one.

- Metric really are basically an updated version of (Thornhill-own) Martha + the Muffins.

- Am I the only person who got really confused between Aldo Nova and Alta Moda? How the (heck) could “record execs” allow these rather different outfits with basically the same name to appear within mere years of each other. 

- Fun fact: my mom, the L&D nurse, delivered children for two original Northern Lights (Dan Hill and Mark Holmes… or somebody from Platinum Blonde, at least). She also knew Col. Sanders when the chicken dude spent some time in Mississauga during the late Sixties/early Seventies. Seriously.

BAND AID

Adam Clayton and Bono (U2) => Colin Greenwood and Thom Yorke (Radiohead)

Big Country => Mumford and Sons

Bob Geldof => Chris Martin (Coldplay)

Boomtown Rats, The => Kaiser Chiefs

Boy George => Amy Winehouse

Chris Cross and Midge Ure (Ultravox) => Bobby Gillespie and Martin Duffy (Primal Scream)

David Bowie => Mick Jagger

Duran Duran => Take That

George Michael (Wham!) => Taio Cruz

Glenn Gregory and Martyn Ware (Heaven 17) => La Roux

Holly Johnson (Frankie Goes to Hollywood)  => Kele Okereke (Bloc Party)

James "J.T." Taylor and Robert 'Kool' Bell (Kool & The Gang) => Suggs and Mike Barson (Madness)

Jim Kerr (Simple Minds) => Tom Chaplin (Keane)

Jody Watley => Natasha Bedingfield

Keren Woodward (Bananarama) => Geri Halliwell (Spice Girls)

Marilyn => Mika

Paul McCartney => Elvis Costello

Paul Weller => Noel Gallagher

Paul Young => Plan B

Phil Collins => Craig David

Spandau Ballet => Goldfrapp

Status Quo => Stereophonics, The

Sting (The Police) => Seal

Tears for Fears => Muse

Notes

- This was very challenging, since at least 30% of Band Aid was made up of pale white dudes wearing “guyliner”. Not really too many modern day equivalents, at least in the UK.

- David Bowie is kind of impossible to replace. Same with Paul McCartney. The former once sang a song with Mick Jagger and the latter is buddies with Elvis Costello. Hence, the resets although I don’t love either. Other names considered: Robbie Williams, Morrissey, Robert Plant. It’s tough.

- No idea how Kool and the Gang, hailing from the very un-British enclave of New Jersey, got roped into this.

Reset Rating: 5/10

Too much ground to cover with any degree of accuracy. Fun. Neat. But ultimately, flawed.