Trade Winds: Real Housewives 2.0

Despite their shared loves of spray tans and delusion, Danielle Staub and Camille Grammer are clearly cut from different cloths. The former is a paranoid, tortured soul with a checkered past and a will to make things right (supposedly) for her impressionable daughters. The latter is self-absorbed, spacey and may have a legit personality disorder. That being said, these women are beloved for their ability to ruin dinner parties and play "the victim" as needed--an important skill in Housewives Land. While it appears both are off the Bravo payroll, here is a look at what could transpire if these two troublemakers ever swapped addresses.

... again, not that I care.

The Trade
To The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Camille Grammer
To The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Danielle Staub

The Impact

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
The arrival of this minor TV celebrity causes quite the stir in Jersey, namely amongst Teresa Giudice (who half-heartedly tries to befriend Camille before hurling pasta AT her) and Caroline Manzo (who never addresses Camille without starting each sentence with "Listen, you..."). An appearance by Camille's psychic friend Allison Dubois further fans the flames, with the medium offering bold predictions about future financial woes (and potential jail time) for Teresa's husband Joe and suggesting that the Manzon clan is, in fact, NOT thick as thieves. These words obviously lead to a customary freakout from Teresa (sauce and bruschetta to the floor) and Allison calmly absorbing the action while puffing on her electronic cigarette. All the while, Camille appears confused by the conflict, chalking the entire episode up to jealousy and misunderstanding. An additional story arch will feature Camille and Jacqueline Laurita shopping at Kim D's strip mall boutique, Posche, with Camille purchasing a pair of slacks and a great top.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Upon arrival to her digs deep within the Hollywood Hills, Danielle immediately calls in her wingman "Danny" to keep guard of the place 24/7. After all, she trusts the hell out of him. Unfortunately, she has trouble keeping her nose clean as soon as she ventures on to Rodeo Drive. Verbal fisticuffs ensue with Kyle Richards. Origins unclear. Something about Danielle flashing "bedroom eyes" in the direction of Kyle's man, Mauricio. This triggers shouting match #2,105 between Kim Richards and her arch rival, Taylor Armstrong. When asked about the verbal sparring after the fact, Kim says, "Huh?". Meanwhile, "Danny" spends his downtime casing various multi-million estates and striking up a fast friendship with the frumpy Ken Vanderpump. These odd bedfellows concoct a low level ponzi scheme with "Danny" doing most of the grunt work, due largely to Ken's unwillingness to put his beloved pooch Giggy on the ground for even a second.

Trade Winds: Real Housewives 1.0

The first in a several part series, The Rest Button evaluates hypothetical “wife swaps” as the men, women and children of the Real Housewives franchise leave their considerable fortunes behind and are forced to live in multi-million dollar dwellings in other states.  Conflict guaranteed and expected. These folks are whack.

… Um, not that I care.

The Trade

To The Real Housewives of New York City: Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen

To The Real Housewives of Orange County: Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley

The Impact

The Real Housewives of New York City

Well, this is interesting. As surrogate parents to tiny bastards Johan and François, Rossi and Smiley struggle to overcome their self-serving ways and cope deep within the bowels of Gotham. Sure, there are lighter moments (a scene where Johan playfully riffles through Rossi’s handbag sample collection is especially delicious). But mainly, the chemistry plays out like a bad Family Circus cartoon and the camera regularly captures the OC transplants looking frustrated and defeated. Especially after a disastrous trip to Zarin Fabrics where the once-jolly Bobby Zarin is impaled by one of his own fabric spools, set forth by Johan, by “accident”. Afterhours, Smiley immediately becomes a chief nemesis to Countess LuAnn de Lesseps after a vitriol-fuelled dinner party where Smiley uses (the horror) HIS HANDS to eat. de Lesseps labels Smiley “an ingrate” and goes all Emily Post on his ass. Meanwhile, the nutty Kelly Bensimon finds Smiley “yummy” and attempts to neck with him at a Creaky Joints fundraiser. In retaliation, Rossi tries to curb Bensimon’s wandering, blank stares by donning the Evil Eye baseball hat. The ladies end up throwing shoes at one another. Because they are upset.

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Simon takes to the Orange County lifestyle like a pig to shit. He allows the hot California sun to bake his pasty flesh. He dresses in billowy white pants and strips to tight-fitting Speedos at the beach (“when in Rome”). He dances with a purpose at Hollywood’s finest D-list premieres. It’s a great time all around. Alex also enjoys the slower pace of the left coast and immediately, becomes “fast friends” with fellow Housewife Alexis Bellino—an odd match on paper, considering the culture clash of McCord’s blowhard-ish cadence and Bellino’s god-fearing philosophy. The pair enjoy countless spa days and leisurely lunches as van Kempen dabbles… elsewhere… with “new” friends. The only true conflict emerges during an exciting trip to “The River” where Vicki Gunvalson questions van Kempen’s work ethic. Both to the camera and to his FACE!!! Before the two come to blows, Gunvalson is struck in the side of the head with a stray football… again. Much hooting and hollering ensues.

Trade Winds: Saved by the Bell vs Degrassi High vs Beverly Hills 90210

A tremendous new feature here at The Reset Button, let's discuss hypothetical scenarios where General Managers are installed into various properties and given the ability to trade assets between TV programs, films, bands, etc. Could happen.

General Managers

Saved by the Bell: Rod Belding

The mysterious brother of incompetent Bayside principal Mr. Belding, this super-casual, long-haired free spirit would work the phones with ease and try to dupe his fellow General Managers with surf lingo and slackjawed optimism. Please note that Rod Belding would require a stipulation in his contract that would allow him to take July and August off (so he can follow his dreams) and he would bookend each trade by exclaiming, "Let's not learn history--let's make history!!”

Degrassi High: Bronco Davis

For the soccer ball hat alone, Bronco is a great fit. His calm demeanour and thoughtfulness will serve him well in this role. Plus as the former president of the Degrassi High Student Council, leadership is clearly in his DNA.

Beverly Hills 90210: Dr. Mel Silver

This dentist to the stars will leave behind a lucrative practice to try his hand at... um, this. He is clearly booksmart but whispers within "the industry" suggest concern that the smooth talking Rod Belding will try to rook Dr. Mel on future trades and lure all the ladies of 90210 to the halls of Bayside, namely so he can bed them. As a result, Nat Bussichio will be kept on retainer as Special Assistant to the General Manager to provide Dr. Mel with sage wisdom, as needed. Nat will also serve him lunch every day.

  

The Trade

To Saved by the Bell: Brandon Walsh, Dylan McKay and Steve Sanders

To Degrassi High: Zack Morris, Albert Clifford "AC" Slater and Samuel "Screech" Powers

To Beverly Hills 90210: Joey Jerimiah, Derek "Wheels" Wheeler and Archie "Snake" Simpson

The Impact

Saved by the Bell

It's a bit of culture shock as the male core of 90210 are forced to endure the relatively lame hijinx of Bayside. Dylan is especially dour and storms out of The Max after local restaurant proprietor Max tries to cheer him up with some slight-of-hand magic tricks. Ultimately, Dylan falls for Jessica Spano and plies her with pills and alcohol, leading to a series of episodes that far exceed the gravity of her "I'm so excited/I'm so excited/I'm so... scared" breakdown. They enter rehab together. Interestingly, Steve assumes a role not unlike that played by Zack, always scheming and breaking the fourth wall. An intriguing romance with the elusive Penny Belding breaks off when the young lovers determine that their hair is too similar. Sadly, Brandon emerges as the smartest man at Bayside and ousts the lumpy Mr. Belding to become the youngest (ne: only other) principal in the school's history.

Degrassi High

Without question, Zack, Slater and Screech dominate Degrassi High and take the city of Toronto by storm. After a tense first day confrontation with Mr. Raditch, Zack soon enlists Arthur Kobalewsky and Yick "Mr Yu the Disorganized" Yu to do his bidding. Zack ultimately dates a series of Degrassi's finest flowers (Caitlin Ryan, Tessa Campanelli, Ms. Avery) before somehow earning a full scholarship to the University of Toronto even though his grades were shit and he was nothing but a thorn in Raditch's side (Note: Zack's off-the-charts SAT scores somehow played a role). Slater immediately takes a liking to Lucy Fernandez and the pair become joined at the hip, bonding over their shared Latin heritage. Slater's other major achievement is a spirited fist fight with the treacherous bully Dwayne Myers. Slater negates Dwayne's weight advantage with a serious of amateur wrestling manoeuvres. He ultimately slams Dwayne to the pavement, causing paralysis. Screech becomes something of a matinee idol, dating twins Heather and Erica Farrell simultaneously. Screech's cover is ultimately blown at a school dance, as Harem Scarem songs play in the background. Hilarity ensures as the twins collective douse Screech with equal portions of Cott soda.

Beverly Hills 90210

Joey, Wheels and Snake are completely thrown by the snooty faculty and student body of West Beverly High, and all three ultimately face some very serious challenges. Upon arrival, Joey becomes the shortest male student in the entire school and his pint-sized bravado is summarily ignored by Kelly Taylor et all. Only the dim-witted Donna Martin takes a liking to Joey, but purely in a plutonic fashion. Even David Silver scoffs at the notion of playing the Zit Remedy's demo tape on North America's most evolved high school radio station. Wheels is completely screwed and drops out of school after just a few months, focusing on fries and video games instead. To say that Wheels is jaded and upset would be an understatement. The next part of Wheels' story is too grim to discuss here. Let's just say it ends up on Hollywood Blvd and makes his encounter with the knee-squeezing pervert in Port Hope seem like a cakewalk. Snake actually fits in the best of the three. He finds success as a swingman on the basketball team and engages in a little May-September romance with the frumpy Andrea Zuckerman.