The Banishment of Archie "Snake" Simpson

A companion piece to The Emanicipation of Derek "Wheels" Wheeler, nothing bad ever seemed to happen to Wheels' co-best buddy Snake... or did it?!?

Sure, he was far less afflicted than most of his colleagues at Degrassi but that didn't mean that Snake wasn't devastated with some regularity.

Here is a peek at 10 moments that really sucked for Snake...

10. Snake's butterfly net

How humiliating? Joey, Wheels and Snake are trying to leave for the big weekend at Bronco's cottage (more on that later) and Mrs. Simpson humiliates her massive son by asking if he wanted to also bring his butterfly net. What a jerk!

9. Snake falls in the pool

A pivotal moment from the Summer from Hell, Snake was making his best efforts to mack on a pair of "lizadies" when he took a wrong step and fell backwards into the pool. WITH CLOTHES ON!!!! LOL!!! It's too bad because between the booty shorts and his liberal application of nose zinc, Snake-y Poo would've had those fare females eating out of the palm of his hand (so to speak).

8. Denied at the gentleman's club

Fake ID was a right of passage at Degrassi and Joey, Wheels and Snake plan a big Friday night at the local "peelers". They pool their funds but only 2/3 get to enjoy the show. Wheels and Snake make the cut but once inside, these dorks go "nom nom nom" on the Cokes and when they don't have enough bread for refills of their delicious soft drinks, the homely barmaid motions to the bouncer and Wheels and Snake are given the boot. Meanwhile, in an amazing scene, Joey is propositioned by a couple of ladies from "the oldest profession" but takes a pass, citing homework.

7. Reunited and it feels so bad

This was actually pretty edgy for the late 1980s: Snake's gay brother returns from college and says, "I'm gay too" in a jeep. Snake immediately becomes conflicted but eventually comes to grips with his feelings (and his brother's feelings about dudes). I love how "away at college" was a great plot device for television writers in the 1980s and 1990s, as a conduit for introducing an obscure brother or "friend of the family" that you wanted to introduce for a single episode and not make any commitment to long term. For further information, please refer to JB Slater, another sibling who came and went with the breeze.

6. The Zit Remedy breaks up

During Wheels' dark addiction to fries and video games, he sold his bass which effectively put the Zit Remedy on ice for years. Sure, they reunited in high school, eventually shooting a music video and hitting the casino circuit. But one could argue the soul of the band died when Wheels went off the deep end (and to a lesser degree, when they asked pretty boy Simon to join the band).

5. Not a playa

Snake was the Shawn Bradley of Degrassi but he really sucked at soccer. In fact, Wikipedia says he was "inept".

4. The car crash

Snake showed poor judgement when he allowed Joey to get behind the wheel of his parent's jalopy. Multiple times. He fell for the old "I just want to sit in the car" jibe and before long, a wild ride ensued that included an eye appointment and... wait for it... breakfast! The "Trust Me" episode filled an obscure quota that all 1980s television shows must contain a story arch involving underage children driving a car. 

3. Cold shoulder

Snake didn't know how to deal with the death of Wheels' parents. Blame immaturity but seriously, the lack of compassion that Snake showed Wheels was just plain cold, man.

2. Lakeside trauma

Putting his training to the test, Snake bravely dove into the lake and rescued the mysterious hussy Alison at Bronco's cottage. After the rescue, Snake was clearly shaken, tying a bow on what was the worst summer ever!!! Underrated subplot of the rescue: Luke and Yick dove into the water too, in spite of the fact that they were both fantastically stoned at the time (just check out Yick's clothes if you need proof). Given their state, it'd have been tragically ironic if one of these narbos also started to drown due to the fact they were overbaked.

1. Snake finds a corpse

"You alright?" asked Snake, as Claude bled from the skull in the boy's bathroom. No, the artsy Claude was not alright. Far from it. It took weeks, maybe months, of therapy and soul searching for Snake to overcome this tragedy and rightfully so. Too bad since this was probably Snake's best hair period during Degrassi's initial run.

The Emancipation of Derek "Wheels" Wheeler

... or what were the 10 greatest moments of Wheels' life?

Few characters in the annals of television/fiction/life were as snake bitten as Derek "Wheels" Wheeler. The sullen mainstay of the Degrassi franchise endured trauma after trauma through his character's various story arches and was clearly the most victimized person ever. Yick Yu may have been christened Mr. Yu the Disorganized but if the man born Griff needed a new nickname, it'd be something like Derek "Hard Luck" Wheeler. Yeah!!

The fact his adoptive parents perished in a car wreck is horrible enough. But really, that was just the tip of the iceberg for Wheels. Who could forget his creepy run-in with an overly friendly "salesmen" in Port Hope? Or that frigid night spent on Snake's porch after his lame grandmother told him to hit the bricks? Oh yeah, and he drove drunk and killed a toddler. Seriously, the dude was a pariah.

However, The Reset Button would like to shine the light on some of the happier, fun-filled moments in Wheels' life. In the spirit of positivity if nothing else. Sure, Wheels ended up in, um, prison but man, he had some hellacious moments along the way. Here is a Top 10 list, in descending order.

10. Wheels gets a perm
Underrated subplot of School's Out. Wheels' hair is tremendous in the movie and looks pretty cool even when he's rocking the wet look. They never really explained how his hair got so curly and so considerable. But frankly, it's a good... no, a GREAT look for him.

9. Fries for everyone!!!
Sure, Wheels' ended up homeless and sleeping on a porch in the "Home Sweet Home" episode of Degrassi High. But the first half was pretty awesome, as Mrs. Jeremiah was (unknowingly) bankrolling a serious fries and video game habit.

8. The postcard (from hell)
Wheels was positively tickled when he received a postcard from his birth father, giving "Big Guy" a brief glimpse at life on the road, playing "rock". Things ended badly when Wheels hoofed it to Port Hope but the postcard made the kid crack a smile at least. Unrelated, I've always wondered where this scene was shot--I'm assuming Etobicoke somewhere off the QEW but I could be wrong. And lastly, a missed opportunity for a latter plot would've been Wheels' dad joining the Gourmet Scum and Wheels responding by throwing ALL his Scum cassettes into a garbage can.

7. Wheels: The Book
This breaks the fourth wall a bit but that's OK, because having a book named after you is a total power move, fake or otherwise. I really like how this book is just called Wheels and it's going for over $64 retail.

6. "Everybody Wants Something": The music video
Wheels probably never looked happier than when the Zit Remedy finally shot a music video for their epic smash "Everybody Wants Something". What was never discussed in detail is why Lucy shot the bloody thing on a security camera?!?

5. Wooed by Stephanie Kay
For ego if nothing else, Wheels must have felt pretty studly when former Degrassi prez Stephanie Kay aligned DW in her cross hairs. This exciting compilation video (note: WTF?!?) does a fine job of detailing her courtship, something that ultimately fell apart much like everything else in Wheels' life.

4. A slightly racist stomach dance
This is another underrated moment in Wheels' saga, since dancing on-stage with a Mexican face drawn on his stomach and a giant sombrero on his upper body was completely out-of-character for Wheels. This moment is made all the more remarkable in that it came in the wake of Claude's suicide. Wheels didn't seem to care in the slightest, as he was ready to party.

3. Wheels and Heather make out
I don't know what's more amazing about this slice of porch-based fun between Wheels and Heather: the fact that Wheels was able to score a little action while wearing such a puffy shirt (and painted-on jeans) or the fact half the school watched through the window as if they'd never seen something like this before.

2. Wheels gets wheels
Wheels inexplicably became a total gearhead in School's Out and accordingly, producers outfitted him with a sweet ride. This beast was supposed to take Wheels out west so he could connect with the mysterious "Karen" but of course, his ill-fated trip to "grab some chips" in cottage country threw a wrench in those plans. Whatever... she was an excellent car while she lasted.

1. The Zit Remedy rock the prom
This was a great moment all around. The kids of Degrassi were clearly into it (they all clapped along, after all). Snake did a little freestyle thing midway through the song. It was such a powerful performance, it even managed in induce labour. Sadly, Wheels' life went down the toilet from this point onwards but at least he'll always have the prom.

Ten Mundane Concepts for Reality Television

In Extreme Couponing, everyday people save hundreds of dollars in trips to the store thanks to discount coupons. Tune in to TLC to see Extreme Couponing!

It was pretty jarring to learn that there was an actual TV program, built around footage of people using coupons at a local grocery store. Yes, I get that this isn't "couponing", it's "extreme couponing"!!! But still--it's pretty gnarly to think that something as banal as saving 30 cents deserves its own timeslot.

Therefore, The Reset Button would like to propose ten program concepts to the decision makers at TLC, Slice or anyone else that will listen--all no more or less mundane (... well, sometimes more) than a television program based on coupon redemption.

... Oh, and if anybody tries to lift any of these ideas, I will SUE yo' ass!!!

Crossing Guard Confidental
The life and times of a small town crossing guard (or "guards" as they call them in "the biz") in an unnamed Midwestern town. The series will address key issues such as accessorizing with fluorescent orange, the evolution of hand signals and the awkwardness of being a full-grown adult walking solo and having a crossing guard escort you through an empty intersection.

Dented
An inside look at discounted grocery items such as dented cans, expired medications and end-of-line SKUs. Includes some key quotes from grocery industry insiders ("Oh, those? Yeah, we just pile them in a broken shopping cart at the back of the store. We throw them out if they don't sell in about a month.") and various old people who like to rifle through the assortments in search of "treasures". The program also explores the indignation of writing the price directly on the packaging with a Sharpie pen, rather than a traditional price tag.

Bus Stop
A gritty examination of a local bus stop, unscripted and in your face. Some people listen to iPods, two ESL students quietly chat to themselves, somebody checks their watch. Captivating stuff.

24/7 Franks
We've all seen hot dog carts in Toronto that advertise themselves as 24/7. Were you ever curious to see who is patronizing these places between 6:00-10:00am? Now you can! Watch as new Canadians re-stock their coolers with soft drinks, stare aimless into nothing and fiddle with napkins. You'll also get an exclusive glimpse at the pivotal moment when our heroes decide to remove hour-old weiners from the upper grill and place them into the garbage.

Squirrel
A Wild Kingdom-style expose on the life of a squirrel in "the big city". While the sleeping scenes leave a lot to be desired, there is a fun episode where our furry friend contracts the mange. Narrated by James Earl Jones.

Confessions of a Blue Bin Sorter
Life moves fast for the guys and gals who get their mitts on our recyclables down at the sorting plant. You won't believe your eyes when you see some of the extreme items (styrafoam, blister packs, cloth) that end up on the assembly line. Early Emmy buzz for the engaging "So you think you can recycle linoleum?" episode.

Defrag Live
A engaging talk show that sees an everyday computer owner get their notebook defraged live in front of a studio audience. Join host John O'Hurley as he probes into the issues behind the defrag (Note: it's always some variation of "trying to free up disk space" or "removing unused programs"). To play up the technological theme, the announcer kicks things off with a rousing "Live from the Silicon Valley...".

The Off Season
In this gripping reality series geared at sports fans, producers look at what becomes of a local baseball diamond during the months of November through March. Oh, it might be covered with snow but that doesn't mean the action has the stop! Includes footage of people walking their dogs, office workers dining in their cars in the nearby parking lot and sporatic visits from local civic officials, keeping an eye on things.

Insole Asylum
A six-part docudrama about an everyman who gets insoles for his favourite pair of loafers. Watch as his posture improves slightly and he describes the act of putting on his shoes ("cushy") and taking off his shoes ("ooh, ah, ooh").

Change Jar
Pennies. Dimes. American pennies. You can find all these and much, much more in a change jar. Each episode will see a different Canadian flaunt their change jar, delving into the back story ("Been collecting since '04", "It's mainly pennies", "There's the odd button in there") with a degree of cadence and realism you don't see in most reality programming. The series will also attempt to answer the "Coin rolls: Friend or foe?" debate, with insight from some of the world's leading economists.

Special Report: A History of Violence... featuring Saved by the Bell

Violence was always a key ingredient in the maggoty stew that was Saved by the Bell.

The popular late 20th century teen crime-drama detailed the comings and goings at Bayside High School, a fictitious institute in southern California that was populated by various archetypes of the day. The program was very hedonistic and at times, quite lurid. Some Bayside students experimented with drugs. Others were promiscuous. Blackmail was rampart. Loud rock music was everywhere. Students were very fashion forward, with a preference for bright t-shirts, acid washed denim and Zubaz. Nourishment… well, many Bayside students subsisted of low grade hamburgers and French fries. Leadership was a struggle, as principal Richard Belding often engaged in conflict with staff and students. His long running feud with Mr. Tuttle threatened to shake Bayside to its very core.

An aside: The notion of somebody “purchasing” Bayside was a story arch used more than once. I can only speak from my own high school experience but not once was there ever a threat of Thornlea Secondary School being purchased by seedy developers. In the unlikely event this happened, the decision would be made at the Board of Education level whereas at Bayside, it was up to Mr. Belding and a few students to thwart these advances. This was very unrealistic.

Anyway, the point to be made here is that Bayside was clearly an environment that bred violence. Much like the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) and to a lesser degree, Bumfights, the opportunity to review these battles from afar is actually a valuable exercise and a true study of the human condition. Analysis provided below.

Zack Morris versus AC Slater
This was maybe the most fierce and hotly contested rivalry in the history on Bayside. On the one hand, you had a cocky, WASP-y scam artist and on the other, a spry, vascular Latino upstart. Give Zacky Poo credit—he held his own with one of California’s finest high school wrestlers. “Preppy” and “Jerk” are both lucky they didn’t crack their skulls on the cement. I don’t remember the circumstances of Mr. Belding’s get-up but I seem to remember that once his wig came off, all was forgotten (could be wrong here).



Zack Morris versus Screech Powers
Good friends. Better enemies. This was a very tense moment as Screech called Zack on his womanizing ways and blatant disregard for Screech’s “dream” of bedding Lisa. I can see why Screech was upset with “this creep in a stunning wool blazer” but in fairness, Lisa expressed time and again that she wasn’t interested. In fact, she indirectly asked Screech to kill himself more than once. An underrated observation: Screech and Zack were actually a comparable height at this point so coupled with some “nerd rage”, this might’ve actually been a solid tilt if they came to blows.

Zack Morris versus a door
A terrible, terrible piece of entertainment. For a guy famous for breaking the fourth wall, Zack takes things to an idiotic extreme by walking into an INVISIBLE fourth wall and mangling his ACL. The scene seems inprobable and rushed. Also, since when was Zack on the basketball team... or any team?!?

Zack Morris versus Derek Morris
A perverse glimpse into the early days of mobile phones, as father and son chat on their brick phones as radiation leaches into their brain matter. Zack's old man looks a bit like a more handsome David Letterman and I enjoy how the YouTuber who posted this vid titles it "Derek Morris", as if to insinuite that this isn't really Zack's father. The term "Zack Morris phone" may have just been galvinized by this scene.

Mr. Belding versus Rod Belding

Another family fued and (sadly) the second mention of Rod Belding on The Reset Button blog. If you missed it, Rod was Mr. Belding's deadbeat brother and a young man with an appetite for extreme behaviour and "the ladies". Mr. Belding kicks Rod and his Canadian tuxedo out of his school (and assumedly, out of his life) in yet another example of a character who appeared in a single episode and was never, ever acknowledged again.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (The Wire edition)

The second in a series of indeterminate length, The Reset Button applies Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to the popular HBO social drama, The Wire. At each level, a Wire character is chosen that best represents the needs and aspirations of that level.

Also, to reiterate, the Hierarchy of Needs is easily one of the Top Five worst triangles ever. So played, dawg. And something only used by first year university students trying to grasp at "depth". Not unlike thumbtacked prints of "The Kiss" or Portishead CDs. Or talking about The Wire.

Source: http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm

Physiological Needs: These include the most basic needs that are vital to survival, such as the need for water, air, food and sleep. Maslow believed that these needs are the most basic and instinctive needs in the hierarchy because all needs become secondary until these physiological needs are met.

Security Needs: These include needs for safety and security. Security needs are important for survival, but they are not as demanding as the physiological needs. Examples of security needs include a desire for steady employment, health insurance, safe neighborhoods and shelter from the environment.

Social Needs: These include needs for belonging, love and affection. Maslow considered these needs to be less basic than physiological and security needs. Relationships such as friendships, romantic attachments and families help fulfill this need for companionship and acceptance, as does involvement in social, community or religious groups.

Esteem Needs: After the first three needs have been satisfied, esteem needs becomes increasingly important. These include the need for things that reflect on self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition and accomplishment.

Self-actualizing Needs: This is the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Self-actualizing people are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling their potential.

Physiological => Bodie
Once a solider, always a solder. If Bodie was any indication. Even when this "young'un" was named the Barksdale crew chief in Season Four, it was purely by default since most of his contemporaries were either dead or in prison. Time and again, Bodie was unable (or perhaps, unwilling) to rise above a purely Physiological existence, in spite of obvious "street smarts" and developing relationships with law men Ellis Carver, Thomas "Herc" Hauk and eventually, Jimmy McNulty. He was merely a doer and whenever he found himself in a more amped-up role, poor judgement kicked him in the fanny, often fuelled by petty relationships squabbles and a short fuse. His demise, a swift and brutal shot to the head from Michael Lee, was a fitting end to a life entirely cuffed to the street.
Also considered: Dukie, Bubbles, Ziggy Sobotka

Security => Chris Partlow
Chris Partlow was a cold, heartless murderer but so effin' cerebral in the way he filled that role, it was hard not to like the guy. One could argue that Partlow's handiwork was the single biggest factor in Marlo Stanfield's rise to top of the West Baltimore drug game as Partlow excelled both at protecting existing turf and leading conquests onto new corners. In short, he WAS safety. He WAS security. And his mentoring of young Michael was a rare glimpse into Partlow extending his talents beyond shooting haters in the face.
Also considered: Dennis "Cutty" Wise, Frank Sobotka, Bunk Moreland













Love/Belonging => D'Angelo Barksdale
Arguably the most conflicted character in The Wire's five year run and a case study in the challenges that all middle managers face. D'Angelo's role was an unfortunate mixture of cat herding and keeping his Uncle Avon and Mommy Brianna satisfied. D'Angelo showed a lot of humanity, in part through interactions with his young son and in part because actor Larry Gilliard has a naturally sad looking face (it's true). No doubt, D'Angelo felt some degree of belonging, love and affection from within the Barksdale crew but considering his life ended slumped over in "the clink" with a belt around his neck, it'd be tough to argue that D'Angelo ever truly found the full attachment he was looking for.
Also considered: Kima Greggs, Omar Little, Michael Lee

Esteem => Ellis Carver
A late bloomer, Ellis Carver matured from a rough n' tumble goofball in early seasons to a poised, polished Sergeant in Charge by Season Five. The distancing between Carver and his ol' running buddy Herc was an underrated subplot that enjoyed an engaging slowburn as the series progressed. And by the end, Carver began to achieve various Esteem needs by displaying a surprisingly degree of integrity that was sorely lacking in most other Wire characters. This was a quality, complex character--I'd argue that the impassioned manifesto he unleashed atop the cop car to kick-off Season Three was the death of old Carver and the birth of new Carver, aided by several visits to Hamsterdam that led to many WTF stares of bemusement.
Also considered: Avon Barksdale, Rhonda Pearlman, Clay Davis













Self-actualization => Marlo Stanfield
There were "good guy" options and "bad guy" options plus several shades of grey. But in the end, no Wire character best exemplified Self-actualization the way Marlo Stanfield did. From his first appearance in Season Three, Stanfield's one goal was to seize West Baltimore from the Barksdale crew and he did so fairly easily in retrospect. Stanfield achieved his goal (and to sound like a complete blowhard, "his destiny") by being 100% self-aware of what he was: a calculated mercenary who never allowed emotions or feelings or empathy to impact his ambition. Stanfield soldiers kicked a ton of fanny during their takeover and if his blaise facial expressions were any indications, there was zero remorse or hesitation from Stanfield. "... some place to be" indeed.
Also considered: Cedric Daniels, Tommy Carcetti, Stringer Bell

Reset: Technology Kills Seinfeld Dead

Um. Um. This is a list of 16 episodes of Seinfeld that would no longer be feasible because of recent technological advances.

Please credit Wikipedia for all plot summaries.

The Phone Message (Season Two, Episode Four)

Original Version: George becomes concerned when his girlfriend, Carol, doesn't return his calls. He loses his temper and leaves a series of angry messages on her machine. Later, he discovers that she was out of town. Before she can hear the messages, he and Jerry plan to go into her apartment and switch the tape on her answering machine. George and Jerry manage to intercept Carol at her apartment and switch the tape. George later learns that she had already heard the messages and found them funny, adding that she "loves jokes like that".

2011 Version: These messages would go straight to a voicemail service. George would be totally S.O.L. as he wouldn't be able to switch the tapes. Since there wouldn't be any tapes to switch.

The Baby Shower (Season Two, Episode Ten)

Original Version: Elaine holds a baby shower for a friend at Jerry's apartment. George is excited, because he finds the baby shower to be the perfect opportunity to "tell off" the woman who gave him "unequivocally, the worst date of [his] life" by pouring Bosco chocolate sauce on his red sweater. However, he cannot muster the courage to do so. Meanwhile, Kramer convinces Jerry to pirate cable television to watch the Mets home games. When the Russian cable providers show up, they ruin the shower.

2011 Version: A guess... the complexities of modern cable providers would prevent two Russian heavies from being able to  complete such an installation. Also, chances are, the Mets' home games would be reasonably available by conventional means. And lastly, it's hard to imagine anybody going to such lengths to watch the Mets in the first place.

The Truth (Season Three, Episode Two)

Original Version: George tells his girlfriend the truth about why he ended their relationship; as a result, she checks herself into the Woodhaven mental institution. Jerry is very upset at this because he is being audited by the IRS and George's girlfriend, an accountant, was supposed to help him out. To make things worse, she has all of his tax papers and Jerry needs them back desperately. It was Kramer who had gotten Jerry into trouble by forcing him to contribute to a fake volcano relief fund. Kramer is also dating Elaine's roommate, Tina, and Elaine complains about the loud tribal music and sexual noises in her apartment. Kramer also walks into Elaine's room and sees her naked.

2011 Version: Two things. Firstly, Jerry would likely have soft copies of all his papers. Secondly, it would be very easy for Jerry to verify the legitimacy of this fake volcano relief funds (Note: Am I the only one who doesn't remember this sub-plot?).

The Parking Garage (Season Three, Episode Six)

Original Version: The cast is in search of Kramer's car in the multi-level parking garage of a shopping mall after Kramer purchases an air conditioner. Unfortunately, no one can remember where the car was parked. Jerry is eager to urinate and goes in a dark corner. After Jerry does so, he is spotted by an officer and is held in the officer's booth. Later, George is also caught in the act of urinating. Both Jerry and George are fined and released. Then by luck, the gang finds Kramer's car but unfortunately, Kramer, who has the car keys, is still lost somewhere in the garage. Hours later, Kramer shows up, having gone on his own hunt for the air conditioner. As they all enter the car, the engine fails to start.

2011 Version: The gang would use their smartphones to call (or more likely, text each other) and rectify this in short order. I get that parking garages may inhibit certain providers. But even if they had to step outside for a moment, this wouldn't have been such an extreme scenario. Truth: this episode and its 2011 irrelevancy was the inspiration behind this entire post.

The Cafe (Season Three, Episode Seven)

Original Version: Jerry becomes fascinated by an unsuccessful restaurant and gives the owner some friendly advice. George's girlfriend wants him to take an IQ test for an education course she is doing; worried that he will score badly, he persuades Elaine to take it for him instead. Jerry suggests that she take the test at the deserted Dream Café because she "won't hear a peep" there -- but they reckon without Kramer's distracting presence. Elaine retakes the test in Jerry's apartment, but another collision with Kramer prevents her from returning it on time. Meanwhile, the Dream Café remains empty.

2011 Version: The modern version of this test would likely be computer-based and therefore, might have some security measures in place to prevent cheating.

The Alternate Side (Season Three, Episode 11)

Original Version: Jerry's car is stolen and he has a conversation with the car-jacker on the car phone. George takes a job moving cars from one side of the street to the other, to comply with alternate side parking regulations, and does a very careless job by crashing cars and causing traffic jams. Elaine cares for her 66-year-old boyfriend who has had a stroke just before she was about to break up with him. Kramer gets a line in a Woody Allen film, popularizing the expression, "These pretzels are making me thirsty!" He accidentally injures Woody Allen during the shooting and gets fired from the set.

2011 Version: Car phones don't exist any more, do they?

The Movie (Season Four, Episode 14)

Original Version: The four main characters continually miss each other as they try to attend a film together.

2011 Version: Again, mobile phones would render this a non-issue.

The Big Salad (Season Six, Episode Two)

Original Version: Elaine must find a special mechanical pencil for her new boss and soon finds herself dealing with the romantic advances of a stationary store clerk. George purchase a "big salad" for Elaine, but his girlfriend appears to take credit for the purchase. Jerry learns that his current girlfriend formerly dated Newman, who ended the relationship. Kramer plays golf with an ex-Major League Baseballer, whose rules violations Kramer notes, giving rise to a fight. The man is later suspected in the murder of a dry cleaner, and Kramer helps the fan flee in a white Ford Bronco in a situation similar to that of O.J. Simpson.

2011 Version: Elaine would easily be able to order this "special" mechanical pencil online, thus avoiding the need to interact with the creepy stationary store clerk.

The Couch (Season Six, Episode Five)

Original Version: Elaine begins to date the guy who delivers Jerry's new couch. Kramer plans to start a pizza business with Poppie. George joins a book club, but tries to rent the movie. Jerry and Elaine's discussion of the abortion issue causes trouble for Poppie, Elaine's relationship & Jerry's new couch. George spends the evening with the family that has rented the film, with less than spectacular results.

2011 Version: For a catalogue title such as "Breakfast at Tiffany's", George could have resorted to Netflix or scronged around for a digital version online.

The Secretary (Season Six, Episode Nine)

Original Version: Jerry confronts his dry cleaner. George passes over hiring an attractive secretary for a less attractive one. Kramer gets Uma Thurman's phone number. Elaine tries to buy a dress, but is unsatisfied with the size of the mirrors in the store.

2011 Version: Kramer puts Uma Thurman's number directly into his iPhone. If only to "humblebrag".

The Wink (Season Seven, Episode Four)

Original Version: Elaine dates the man from her wake-up service. A bit of grapefruit pulp, from Jerry's breakfast, gets into George's eye and causes problems for him when his winks keep getting misinterpreted. Jerry's healthy diet conflicts with his dating of Elaine's cousin. Kramer promises a sick boy that Yankee Paul O'Neill will hit two home runs for him, so he can get back a birthday card that he sold based on George's wink.

2011 Version: It is highly unlikely that anybody would use a home wake-up service in 2011. In fact, it seemed highly unlikely in 1995.

The Package (Season Eight, Episde Five)

Original Version: George finds out that the woman at a photo store is looking at his pictures. He tries to impress her by getting Kramer to take seductive pictures of him. Jerry refuses delivery of a package with no return address. Elaine tries to retrieve her medical records when she begins having problems with her doctor due to her attitude.

2011 Version: Most of this process would be handled digitally. Therefore, it's unlikely the interaction between George and the photo store employee would take place within the original context laid out.

The Little Jerry (Season Eight, Episode 11)

Original Version: Kramer gets a pet rooster he names "Little Jerry Seinfeld". George visits a woman's prison where he does not see what he had expected. Elaine discovers her boyfriend once had a full head of hair and convinces him to grow it back. A store owner exposes Jerry's bad check currently on display which raises much discussion.

2011 Version: People very seldom write cheques at retail anymore. Especially at such low level establishments such as the bodega in this episode.

The Millennium (Season Eight, Episode 20)

Original Version: Kramer makes plans for New Year's 2000 and wonders what the future may be like. Elaine gets bad service at a store and begins shopping at a similar store. Jerry learns he is on his girlfriend's speed dial.

2011 Version: "Speed dial" isn't really a thing anymore. Also, 2000 has come and gone.

The Wizard (Season Nine, Episode 15)

Original Version: Jerry gives his father an electric organizing system for his birthday. Jerry and George debate about the race of Elaine's new boyfriend which triggers her curiosity. Kramer plans on running for president of Morty and Helen's condo association. George lies to the Rosses about owning a house in the Hamptons.

2011 Version: Smartphones have effectively rendered electric organizing systems obsolete.

The Maid (Season Nine, Episode 19)

Original Version: Jerry hires a maid who he then starts sleeping with. Elaine discovers she has 57 messages on her answering machine when Kramer's food-order service tries to fax her. George tries to get a nickname but a co-worker gets the one he chose instead.

2011 Version: It is safe to assume that fax-based food menu services don't exist any more.

Trade Winds: Real Housewives 2.0

Despite their shared loves of spray tans and delusion, Danielle Staub and Camille Grammer are clearly cut from different cloths. The former is a paranoid, tortured soul with a checkered past and a will to make things right (supposedly) for her impressionable daughters. The latter is self-absorbed, spacey and may have a legit personality disorder. That being said, these women are beloved for their ability to ruin dinner parties and play "the victim" as needed--an important skill in Housewives Land. While it appears both are off the Bravo payroll, here is a look at what could transpire if these two troublemakers ever swapped addresses.

... again, not that I care.

The Trade
To The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Camille Grammer
To The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Danielle Staub

The Impact

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
The arrival of this minor TV celebrity causes quite the stir in Jersey, namely amongst Teresa Giudice (who half-heartedly tries to befriend Camille before hurling pasta AT her) and Caroline Manzo (who never addresses Camille without starting each sentence with "Listen, you..."). An appearance by Camille's psychic friend Allison Dubois further fans the flames, with the medium offering bold predictions about future financial woes (and potential jail time) for Teresa's husband Joe and suggesting that the Manzon clan is, in fact, NOT thick as thieves. These words obviously lead to a customary freakout from Teresa (sauce and bruschetta to the floor) and Allison calmly absorbing the action while puffing on her electronic cigarette. All the while, Camille appears confused by the conflict, chalking the entire episode up to jealousy and misunderstanding. An additional story arch will feature Camille and Jacqueline Laurita shopping at Kim D's strip mall boutique, Posche, with Camille purchasing a pair of slacks and a great top.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Upon arrival to her digs deep within the Hollywood Hills, Danielle immediately calls in her wingman "Danny" to keep guard of the place 24/7. After all, she trusts the hell out of him. Unfortunately, she has trouble keeping her nose clean as soon as she ventures on to Rodeo Drive. Verbal fisticuffs ensue with Kyle Richards. Origins unclear. Something about Danielle flashing "bedroom eyes" in the direction of Kyle's man, Mauricio. This triggers shouting match #2,105 between Kim Richards and her arch rival, Taylor Armstrong. When asked about the verbal sparring after the fact, Kim says, "Huh?". Meanwhile, "Danny" spends his downtime casing various multi-million estates and striking up a fast friendship with the frumpy Ken Vanderpump. These odd bedfellows concoct a low level ponzi scheme with "Danny" doing most of the grunt work, due largely to Ken's unwillingness to put his beloved pooch Giggy on the ground for even a second.

Trade Winds: Real Housewives 1.0

The first in a several part series, The Rest Button evaluates hypothetical “wife swaps” as the men, women and children of the Real Housewives franchise leave their considerable fortunes behind and are forced to live in multi-million dollar dwellings in other states.  Conflict guaranteed and expected. These folks are whack.

… Um, not that I care.

The Trade

To The Real Housewives of New York City: Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen

To The Real Housewives of Orange County: Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley

The Impact

The Real Housewives of New York City

Well, this is interesting. As surrogate parents to tiny bastards Johan and François, Rossi and Smiley struggle to overcome their self-serving ways and cope deep within the bowels of Gotham. Sure, there are lighter moments (a scene where Johan playfully riffles through Rossi’s handbag sample collection is especially delicious). But mainly, the chemistry plays out like a bad Family Circus cartoon and the camera regularly captures the OC transplants looking frustrated and defeated. Especially after a disastrous trip to Zarin Fabrics where the once-jolly Bobby Zarin is impaled by one of his own fabric spools, set forth by Johan, by “accident”. Afterhours, Smiley immediately becomes a chief nemesis to Countess LuAnn de Lesseps after a vitriol-fuelled dinner party where Smiley uses (the horror) HIS HANDS to eat. de Lesseps labels Smiley “an ingrate” and goes all Emily Post on his ass. Meanwhile, the nutty Kelly Bensimon finds Smiley “yummy” and attempts to neck with him at a Creaky Joints fundraiser. In retaliation, Rossi tries to curb Bensimon’s wandering, blank stares by donning the Evil Eye baseball hat. The ladies end up throwing shoes at one another. Because they are upset.

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Simon takes to the Orange County lifestyle like a pig to shit. He allows the hot California sun to bake his pasty flesh. He dresses in billowy white pants and strips to tight-fitting Speedos at the beach (“when in Rome”). He dances with a purpose at Hollywood’s finest D-list premieres. It’s a great time all around. Alex also enjoys the slower pace of the left coast and immediately, becomes “fast friends” with fellow Housewife Alexis Bellino—an odd match on paper, considering the culture clash of McCord’s blowhard-ish cadence and Bellino’s god-fearing philosophy. The pair enjoy countless spa days and leisurely lunches as van Kempen dabbles… elsewhere… with “new” friends. The only true conflict emerges during an exciting trip to “The River” where Vicki Gunvalson questions van Kempen’s work ethic. Both to the camera and to his FACE!!! Before the two come to blows, Gunvalson is struck in the side of the head with a stray football… again. Much hooting and hollering ensues.

Trade Winds: Saved by the Bell vs Degrassi High vs Beverly Hills 90210

A tremendous new feature here at The Reset Button, let's discuss hypothetical scenarios where General Managers are installed into various properties and given the ability to trade assets between TV programs, films, bands, etc. Could happen.

General Managers

Saved by the Bell: Rod Belding

The mysterious brother of incompetent Bayside principal Mr. Belding, this super-casual, long-haired free spirit would work the phones with ease and try to dupe his fellow General Managers with surf lingo and slackjawed optimism. Please note that Rod Belding would require a stipulation in his contract that would allow him to take July and August off (so he can follow his dreams) and he would bookend each trade by exclaiming, "Let's not learn history--let's make history!!”

Degrassi High: Bronco Davis

For the soccer ball hat alone, Bronco is a great fit. His calm demeanour and thoughtfulness will serve him well in this role. Plus as the former president of the Degrassi High Student Council, leadership is clearly in his DNA.

Beverly Hills 90210: Dr. Mel Silver

This dentist to the stars will leave behind a lucrative practice to try his hand at... um, this. He is clearly booksmart but whispers within "the industry" suggest concern that the smooth talking Rod Belding will try to rook Dr. Mel on future trades and lure all the ladies of 90210 to the halls of Bayside, namely so he can bed them. As a result, Nat Bussichio will be kept on retainer as Special Assistant to the General Manager to provide Dr. Mel with sage wisdom, as needed. Nat will also serve him lunch every day.

  

The Trade

To Saved by the Bell: Brandon Walsh, Dylan McKay and Steve Sanders

To Degrassi High: Zack Morris, Albert Clifford "AC" Slater and Samuel "Screech" Powers

To Beverly Hills 90210: Joey Jerimiah, Derek "Wheels" Wheeler and Archie "Snake" Simpson

The Impact

Saved by the Bell

It's a bit of culture shock as the male core of 90210 are forced to endure the relatively lame hijinx of Bayside. Dylan is especially dour and storms out of The Max after local restaurant proprietor Max tries to cheer him up with some slight-of-hand magic tricks. Ultimately, Dylan falls for Jessica Spano and plies her with pills and alcohol, leading to a series of episodes that far exceed the gravity of her "I'm so excited/I'm so excited/I'm so... scared" breakdown. They enter rehab together. Interestingly, Steve assumes a role not unlike that played by Zack, always scheming and breaking the fourth wall. An intriguing romance with the elusive Penny Belding breaks off when the young lovers determine that their hair is too similar. Sadly, Brandon emerges as the smartest man at Bayside and ousts the lumpy Mr. Belding to become the youngest (ne: only other) principal in the school's history.

Degrassi High

Without question, Zack, Slater and Screech dominate Degrassi High and take the city of Toronto by storm. After a tense first day confrontation with Mr. Raditch, Zack soon enlists Arthur Kobalewsky and Yick "Mr Yu the Disorganized" Yu to do his bidding. Zack ultimately dates a series of Degrassi's finest flowers (Caitlin Ryan, Tessa Campanelli, Ms. Avery) before somehow earning a full scholarship to the University of Toronto even though his grades were shit and he was nothing but a thorn in Raditch's side (Note: Zack's off-the-charts SAT scores somehow played a role). Slater immediately takes a liking to Lucy Fernandez and the pair become joined at the hip, bonding over their shared Latin heritage. Slater's other major achievement is a spirited fist fight with the treacherous bully Dwayne Myers. Slater negates Dwayne's weight advantage with a serious of amateur wrestling manoeuvres. He ultimately slams Dwayne to the pavement, causing paralysis. Screech becomes something of a matinee idol, dating twins Heather and Erica Farrell simultaneously. Screech's cover is ultimately blown at a school dance, as Harem Scarem songs play in the background. Hilarity ensures as the twins collective douse Screech with equal portions of Cott soda.

Beverly Hills 90210

Joey, Wheels and Snake are completely thrown by the snooty faculty and student body of West Beverly High, and all three ultimately face some very serious challenges. Upon arrival, Joey becomes the shortest male student in the entire school and his pint-sized bravado is summarily ignored by Kelly Taylor et all. Only the dim-witted Donna Martin takes a liking to Joey, but purely in a plutonic fashion. Even David Silver scoffs at the notion of playing the Zit Remedy's demo tape on North America's most evolved high school radio station. Wheels is completely screwed and drops out of school after just a few months, focusing on fries and video games instead. To say that Wheels is jaded and upset would be an understatement. The next part of Wheels' story is too grim to discuss here. Let's just say it ends up on Hollywood Blvd and makes his encounter with the knee-squeezing pervert in Port Hope seem like a cakewalk. Snake actually fits in the best of the three. He finds success as a swingman on the basketball team and engages in a little May-September romance with the frumpy Andrea Zuckerman.

Reset: Seinfeld

What
The beloved "sitcom about nothing" is one of... wait a minute, can we discuss this for a sec? It always bothered me that Seinfeld will be known until the end of time as the sitcom about nothing. I think it became something of a self-perpetuating myth. Yes, some of the plots were a bit trite and granted, the nuances of the show were very unique when compared to something like Full House. But still--the show had plots, story archs, character development, etc. That is something. Not nothing. Anyway, it needs to be reset with modern day contemporaries.

Components
Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes
Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer
Jason Alexander as George Costanza
Wayne Knight as Newman
Larry David as George Steinbrenner
Heidi Swedberg as Susan Biddle Ross
Estelle Harris as Estelle Costanza
Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza
Liz Sheridan as Helen Seinfeld
Barney Martin as Morty Seinfeld
John O'Hurley as J. Peterman
Len Lesser as Uncle Leo
Patrick Warburton as David Puddy
Lee Bear as George Steinbrenner
Steve Hytner as Kenny Bania
Phil Morris as Jackie Chiles

Replacements Parts

Jerry Seinfeld => Adam Carolla as Adam Carolla
This is the role of a lifetime for "The Ace Man" .Physically, Carolla can do a passable Seinfeld impression, neither can really act and they're both very funny. Albeit in completely different ways. Will need to surround Carolla with a few familiar faces for comfort. Also, it will be necessary to adapt the name of the program to… wait for it... Carolla.
Also considered: Norm McDonald

Julia Louis-Dreyfus => Alanna Ubach as Elaine Benes
I'm not too familiar with this dame but I like the cut of her jib. I've heard her on Carolla's podcast a few times, she's kooky and sounds like she's got enough range to play the neurotic spinster that Elaine became. A hidden gem, perhaps. Good enough.

Michael Richards => John C. Reilly as Cosmo Kramer
Tall, goofy looking guy with curly hair who wouldn't look out of place falling over a couch.
Also considered: John Luguiziamo, Michael Keaton

Jason Alexander => Patton Oswalt as George Costanza
Oswalt will need to ratchet his energy level up several notches to pull this off. But I think this could be accomplished with some coaching and/or cocaine. Physically, it’s a total no brainer. He will be required to wear prop glasses.

Wayne Knight => Rob Couddry as Newman
Reliable funnyman Couddry will need to get a bit more smarmy, a bit more coy in this role. I have concerns that he’s too likable but when the alternative is a registered sex offender, lesser of two evils, I suppose.
Also considered: Jeffrey Jones

Larry David => Jim Florentine as Hank Steinbrenner
Carolla’s buddy from Crank Yankers finds work and puts his considerable vocal talents to the test. Oh, Boss George is actually dead so maybe we could swap in Hank as a ringer.
Also considered: Lewis Black

Heidi Swedberg => Bridget Fonda as Susan Biddle Ross
Susan was completely non-descript and essentially a Petri dish for George’s psychosis. So, the exceedingly bland stylings of the MIA Bridget Fonda work well here.
Also considered: Mira Sorvino

Estelle Harris => Bette Midler as Estelle Costanza
Jerry Stiller => Don Rickles as Frank Costanza
Producers will need to “bring the cheddar” to lure these two legends to the Carolla soundstage. But the three-way nuttiness between Oswalt, Midler and Rickles could be quite lovely.

Liz Sheridan => Blythe Danner as Kris Carolla
Barney Martin => Craig T. Nelson as "Pops" Carolla
I like this. Carolla doesn’t look anything like either of these two so it’s a bit of a stretch to imagine him having emerged from their loins. But there would be serious chemistry between Carolla and Nelson, over football, etc. Aging make-up may be required for the pair. 

John O'Hurley => Oliver Platt as J. Peterman
Is it just me or does Oliver Platt own… I mean, own every movie he appears in? Granted, I’ve only seen him in 2-3 roles. But doesn’t matter—the guy is very talented and could easily nail the part of a yappy catalogue tycoon. 

Len Lesser => Terry Bradshaw as Uncle Leo
Ugh. I’m not a fan of Bradshaw but it is my belief he could strike the right cadence when he delivers, “Helllooo, Adam” and whatnot. 

Patrick Warburton => Thomas Hayden Church as David Puddy
This is great. Both actors are lumbering and slightly Cro-Magnon. 

Steve Hytner => Hank Azaria as Kenny Bania
The versatile Azaria could play this role in his sleep. I have confidence in his abilities. Yes. 

Phil Morris => Isiah Whitlock Jr. as Jackie Chiles
Also considered: JB Smoove
He obviously won’t be able to say, “Sheeeeeeeett!!” on network TV. However, he could transpose his crooked state senator shtick from The Wire into a crooked lawyer shtick. Laughter will ensue.

Reset rating: 6/10
This is a bit of a mixed bag. I’m quite pleased with the four main characters and some of the other talent, namely Florentine, Fonda, Platt and Bania. Everybody else, I could probably be talked out of. It’s sacrilege to even suggest resetting something like Seinfeld. But as we say in the biz, “It’s a good start”.