The Banishment of Archie "Snake" Simpson

A companion piece to The Emanicipation of Derek "Wheels" Wheeler, nothing bad ever seemed to happen to Wheels' co-best buddy Snake... or did it?!?

Sure, he was far less afflicted than most of his colleagues at Degrassi but that didn't mean that Snake wasn't devastated with some regularity.

Here is a peek at 10 moments that really sucked for Snake...

10. Snake's butterfly net

How humiliating? Joey, Wheels and Snake are trying to leave for the big weekend at Bronco's cottage (more on that later) and Mrs. Simpson humiliates her massive son by asking if he wanted to also bring his butterfly net. What a jerk!

9. Snake falls in the pool

A pivotal moment from the Summer from Hell, Snake was making his best efforts to mack on a pair of "lizadies" when he took a wrong step and fell backwards into the pool. WITH CLOTHES ON!!!! LOL!!! It's too bad because between the booty shorts and his liberal application of nose zinc, Snake-y Poo would've had those fare females eating out of the palm of his hand (so to speak).

8. Denied at the gentleman's club

Fake ID was a right of passage at Degrassi and Joey, Wheels and Snake plan a big Friday night at the local "peelers". They pool their funds but only 2/3 get to enjoy the show. Wheels and Snake make the cut but once inside, these dorks go "nom nom nom" on the Cokes and when they don't have enough bread for refills of their delicious soft drinks, the homely barmaid motions to the bouncer and Wheels and Snake are given the boot. Meanwhile, in an amazing scene, Joey is propositioned by a couple of ladies from "the oldest profession" but takes a pass, citing homework.

7. Reunited and it feels so bad

This was actually pretty edgy for the late 1980s: Snake's gay brother returns from college and says, "I'm gay too" in a jeep. Snake immediately becomes conflicted but eventually comes to grips with his feelings (and his brother's feelings about dudes). I love how "away at college" was a great plot device for television writers in the 1980s and 1990s, as a conduit for introducing an obscure brother or "friend of the family" that you wanted to introduce for a single episode and not make any commitment to long term. For further information, please refer to JB Slater, another sibling who came and went with the breeze.

6. The Zit Remedy breaks up

During Wheels' dark addiction to fries and video games, he sold his bass which effectively put the Zit Remedy on ice for years. Sure, they reunited in high school, eventually shooting a music video and hitting the casino circuit. But one could argue the soul of the band died when Wheels went off the deep end (and to a lesser degree, when they asked pretty boy Simon to join the band).

5. Not a playa

Snake was the Shawn Bradley of Degrassi but he really sucked at soccer. In fact, Wikipedia says he was "inept".

4. The car crash

Snake showed poor judgement when he allowed Joey to get behind the wheel of his parent's jalopy. Multiple times. He fell for the old "I just want to sit in the car" jibe and before long, a wild ride ensued that included an eye appointment and... wait for it... breakfast! The "Trust Me" episode filled an obscure quota that all 1980s television shows must contain a story arch involving underage children driving a car. 

3. Cold shoulder

Snake didn't know how to deal with the death of Wheels' parents. Blame immaturity but seriously, the lack of compassion that Snake showed Wheels was just plain cold, man.

2. Lakeside trauma

Putting his training to the test, Snake bravely dove into the lake and rescued the mysterious hussy Alison at Bronco's cottage. After the rescue, Snake was clearly shaken, tying a bow on what was the worst summer ever!!! Underrated subplot of the rescue: Luke and Yick dove into the water too, in spite of the fact that they were both fantastically stoned at the time (just check out Yick's clothes if you need proof). Given their state, it'd have been tragically ironic if one of these narbos also started to drown due to the fact they were overbaked.

1. Snake finds a corpse

"You alright?" asked Snake, as Claude bled from the skull in the boy's bathroom. No, the artsy Claude was not alright. Far from it. It took weeks, maybe months, of therapy and soul searching for Snake to overcome this tragedy and rightfully so. Too bad since this was probably Snake's best hair period during Degrassi's initial run.