The first in a several part series, The Rest Button evaluates hypothetical “wife swaps” as the men, women and children of the Real Housewives franchise leave their considerable fortunes behind and are forced to live in multi-million dollar dwellings in other states. Conflict guaranteed and expected. These folks are whack.
… Um, not that I care.
The Trade
To The Real Housewives of New York City: Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen
To The Real Housewives of Orange County: Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley
The Impact
The Real Housewives of New York City
Well, this is interesting. As surrogate parents to tiny bastards Johan and François, Rossi and Smiley struggle to overcome their self-serving ways and cope deep within the bowels of Gotham. Sure, there are lighter moments (a scene where Johan playfully riffles through Rossi’s handbag sample collection is especially delicious). But mainly, the chemistry plays out like a bad Family Circus cartoon and the camera regularly captures the OC transplants looking frustrated and defeated. Especially after a disastrous trip to Zarin Fabrics where the once-jolly Bobby Zarin is impaled by one of his own fabric spools, set forth by Johan, by “accident”. Afterhours, Smiley immediately becomes a chief nemesis to Countess LuAnn de Lesseps after a vitriol-fuelled dinner party where Smiley uses (the horror) HIS HANDS to eat. de Lesseps labels Smiley “an ingrate” and goes all Emily Post on his ass. Meanwhile, the nutty Kelly Bensimon finds Smiley “yummy” and attempts to neck with him at a Creaky Joints fundraiser. In retaliation, Rossi tries to curb Bensimon’s wandering, blank stares by donning the Evil Eye baseball hat. The ladies end up throwing shoes at one another. Because they are upset.
The Real Housewives of Orange County
Simon takes to the Orange County lifestyle like a pig to shit. He allows the hot California sun to bake his pasty flesh. He dresses in billowy white pants and strips to tight-fitting Speedos at the beach (“when in Rome”). He dances with a purpose at Hollywood’s finest D-list premieres. It’s a great time all around. Alex also enjoys the slower pace of the left coast and immediately, becomes “fast friends” with fellow Housewife Alexis Bellino—an odd match on paper, considering the culture clash of McCord’s blowhard-ish cadence and Bellino’s god-fearing philosophy. The pair enjoy countless spa days and leisurely lunches as van Kempen dabbles… elsewhere… with “new” friends. The only true conflict emerges during an exciting trip to “The River” where Vicki Gunvalson questions van Kempen’s work ethic. Both to the camera and to his FACE!!! Before the two come to blows, Gunvalson is struck in the side of the head with a stray football… again. Much hooting and hollering ensues.
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