Ten Fake Name Swaps for Pro Sports Teams

Professional sports is full of some truly awful team names.

Some franchises move cities and yet cling to monikers that make little sense outside the radius of their former homes. Others get pressured by fundamentalists and other wimps to change names that are deemed too violent or in a moronic case outlined below, too EVIL.

Some are racist and outdated. Others are just confusing, awkward, lame and various other shades of terrible.

Here are 10 such names that should be switched pronto.

Utah Jazz => Salt Lake City Apostles
Easily the most disjointed name in team sports. This must stop NOW and if needed, David Stern could offer the Jazz monicker back to New Orleans (although I kinda like their existing name of "the Hornets" for some reason). Mormons is the obvious replacement but Apostles has a bit more of an edge to it and is way vaguer in the religious sense. Local scribes could have a lot of fun depicted games as battles of good against evil, and ownage on the hardwood could be referred to as "teachings" by the play-by-play crew.

Los Angeles Lakers => Los Angeles Millionaires
Another displaced atrocity of a name. Los Angeles borders on an ocean. They have the glorious Los Angeles River. But they don’t have significant lakes of any kind (Silver Lake doesn’t count). And yet owners chose to keep the Lakers name when they moved from Minnesota in 1960 and managed to become iconic in the process. A lot has changed in the past half century. Accordingly, is there a name more appropriate for an LA-based group of ballers than the Millionaires? A hard reality both in fact and attitude, the Lakers already have a collective bullseye on them in each city they visit so why not ratchet the swag up another few notches with this in-yo-face team name?

Memphis Grizzlies => Memphis Stax
The third and final NBA squad in the let's-move-the-team-but-keep-the-team-name-even-though-it-loses-any-geographical-relevance saga, the mental image of a 800 lb. grizzly bear lumbering around Tennessee is wrong and ridiculous. I'd go with Stax instead for a few reasons. First, it's a tribute to Stax Records, the celebrated mid-20th century record label that introduced Otis Redding to the world. Second, it has a nice parallel to other team names ending in "X" such as the White Sox and the Red Sox. Third, Stax just sounds tall. Like items stacked upon one another. This is wonderful.

Tampa Bay Rays => Tampa Bay Beaches
The Rays lost a lot of bite when they ceased to be called the Devil Rays after the 2007 campaign--a completely gutless move, aimed at appeasing religious types who I suppose didn't want any causal relationship between Evan Longoria and Beelzebub. Tampa Bay Rays sounds awful. Plus it rhymes, so it needs to get axed. Tampa Bay Beaches has a nice ring to it and is geographically accurate. And the best part: they could nickname Tropicana Field "the sand box". Roll THAT one around on your tongue a bit.

Dallas Stars => Dallas Lone Stars
A slight amendment to a name that should've been fixed properly when the team moved from Minnesota in 1993... there is a pattern emerging with bad team names originating in Minnesota BTW. I don't even like the name the Lone Stars but it's far less blasé than simply "the Stars". Also, this blandness extends to the Toronto dream pop band of the same name although somehow, I find the name "Stars" far less boring than if they were called "the Stars" for some reason.

Minnesota Wild => Minnesota²
The Wild is a wildly bad name for a pro sports franchise and makes little sense on multiple levels. No less absurd is a dorky spin on the Minnesota Twins name that is at least mildly interesting in addition to being wildly impractical for marketing purposes, etc. Mathematically speaking, it's also problematic since you would never have the need (or want) to multiply Minneapolis by Saint Paul. Semantics aside,  an alternative would be the Deuce, the Double Dip or the Twosome. Alternatively, they could just become the Minnesota Sami-Americans (or "The Sammies"). Which leads us to...

Winnipeg Jets => Winnipeg Regenerators ("The Reggies")
The first of two overly long team names that could be shortened into extreme sports glory!!! Yes, Winnipeg returning to the NHL with a team called the Regenerators would be entirely dated after their first full season back. But I dunno... the Reggies just sounds cool so maybe credit a clever bit of double entendre, referring to former Winnipeg Blue Bomber pivot (and BLT lookalike) Reggie Slack. Otherwise, there has to be concern with bad karma stemming from the Jets name.

Washington Redskins => Washington Representatives ("The Reps")
#offensiveteamnames. It's a wonder that this name has managed to stem the tide of this PC age, especially playing the shadows of the White House. Likewise…. Far less contentious would be the Representatives. Yes, it's a bit clumsy and a bit vague. But you could shorten it to "The Reps" and it could refer to both the House of Representatives or the fact that they're representing the civil servants, file clerks and deadbeat dads of DC out on the gridiron.

Colorado Avalanche => Colorado Elevators
Naming your squad after extreme weather is lame. The Hurricanes, the Lightning, the obscure Tacoma Tsunami. It seldom works plus you run the risk of marginalizing the loved ones of people struck by lightning, blown away by hurricanes, etc. The Colorado Avalanche is another offender so an alternative is the Elevators, referring largely to the thin air of Denver. Bonus points for a quality abbreviated name ("The Eles") and the potential for some nifty newspaper headlines (i.e. "A season of ups and downs for the Elevators", "The Eles give the Red Wings the shaft").

New Jersey Nets => Brooklyn's Finest
I won't take credit for this. Bill Simmons has already gone to bat for the switch, to take hold upon the Nets' move to Brooklyn. Very much related, mad respect to Big Poppa.

Special Report: A History of Violence... featuring Saved by the Bell

Violence was always a key ingredient in the maggoty stew that was Saved by the Bell.

The popular late 20th century teen crime-drama detailed the comings and goings at Bayside High School, a fictitious institute in southern California that was populated by various archetypes of the day. The program was very hedonistic and at times, quite lurid. Some Bayside students experimented with drugs. Others were promiscuous. Blackmail was rampart. Loud rock music was everywhere. Students were very fashion forward, with a preference for bright t-shirts, acid washed denim and Zubaz. Nourishment… well, many Bayside students subsisted of low grade hamburgers and French fries. Leadership was a struggle, as principal Richard Belding often engaged in conflict with staff and students. His long running feud with Mr. Tuttle threatened to shake Bayside to its very core.

An aside: The notion of somebody “purchasing” Bayside was a story arch used more than once. I can only speak from my own high school experience but not once was there ever a threat of Thornlea Secondary School being purchased by seedy developers. In the unlikely event this happened, the decision would be made at the Board of Education level whereas at Bayside, it was up to Mr. Belding and a few students to thwart these advances. This was very unrealistic.

Anyway, the point to be made here is that Bayside was clearly an environment that bred violence. Much like the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) and to a lesser degree, Bumfights, the opportunity to review these battles from afar is actually a valuable exercise and a true study of the human condition. Analysis provided below.

Zack Morris versus AC Slater
This was maybe the most fierce and hotly contested rivalry in the history on Bayside. On the one hand, you had a cocky, WASP-y scam artist and on the other, a spry, vascular Latino upstart. Give Zacky Poo credit—he held his own with one of California’s finest high school wrestlers. “Preppy” and “Jerk” are both lucky they didn’t crack their skulls on the cement. I don’t remember the circumstances of Mr. Belding’s get-up but I seem to remember that once his wig came off, all was forgotten (could be wrong here).



Zack Morris versus Screech Powers
Good friends. Better enemies. This was a very tense moment as Screech called Zack on his womanizing ways and blatant disregard for Screech’s “dream” of bedding Lisa. I can see why Screech was upset with “this creep in a stunning wool blazer” but in fairness, Lisa expressed time and again that she wasn’t interested. In fact, she indirectly asked Screech to kill himself more than once. An underrated observation: Screech and Zack were actually a comparable height at this point so coupled with some “nerd rage”, this might’ve actually been a solid tilt if they came to blows.

Zack Morris versus a door
A terrible, terrible piece of entertainment. For a guy famous for breaking the fourth wall, Zack takes things to an idiotic extreme by walking into an INVISIBLE fourth wall and mangling his ACL. The scene seems inprobable and rushed. Also, since when was Zack on the basketball team... or any team?!?

Zack Morris versus Derek Morris
A perverse glimpse into the early days of mobile phones, as father and son chat on their brick phones as radiation leaches into their brain matter. Zack's old man looks a bit like a more handsome David Letterman and I enjoy how the YouTuber who posted this vid titles it "Derek Morris", as if to insinuite that this isn't really Zack's father. The term "Zack Morris phone" may have just been galvinized by this scene.

Mr. Belding versus Rod Belding

Another family fued and (sadly) the second mention of Rod Belding on The Reset Button blog. If you missed it, Rod was Mr. Belding's deadbeat brother and a young man with an appetite for extreme behaviour and "the ladies". Mr. Belding kicks Rod and his Canadian tuxedo out of his school (and assumedly, out of his life) in yet another example of a character who appeared in a single episode and was never, ever acknowledged again.

Reset: Nine Fake Lead Singer Swaps

In music, it is bad form to be switching a lead singer mid-stream. Often, it's extenuating circumstances that leads to the swap, such as death, drugs or death due to drugs. But for every "Van Hagar" apologist, there is a laundry list of other failed roster moves....

- He might've been a "strange animal" but did we really need to hear Gowan belting out "Mr. Roboto" for Styx?

- Huh? Blind Melon has a new singer?

- Did anybody really need to see something called the Germs perform again, complete with an actor aping Darby Crash?

- ETC. 

Sadly, it is inevitable that some of our favourite musicians will bung up the works. Goddam hedonists! So in a bit of a pre-emptive strike, here is a list of nine potential lead singer trade-ins that could be "interesting" if not "good". 

Roxy Music => Replace Bryan Ferry with Jarvis Cocker from Pulp

Pulp were essentially an updated version of Roxy Music. So clearly, Jarvis Cocker was an updated version of Bryan Ferry, what with the drole lyrics, soulful yet spastic dance moves, prole upbringings masked in invented glamour and so on. 

Unrelated, the first decade of Roxy Music should win some kind of award for being awesomely popular, critically adored and yet impossibly bizarre. Check out this frantic version of "Editions of You" for proof. It almost seems like a goof but is undeniably amazing at the same time. The pants alone are incredible.

KISS => Replace Gene Simmons with Rob Zombie

It's a bit dodgy for a man over 60 to be skulking around stage in grease paint, pretending to be a demon. Best we sub in a 40-something who would at least take a few less minutes to limbre up in the green room.

My Bloody Valentine => Replace Kevin Shields and Bilinda Butcher with Jason Pierce from Spiritualized/Spacemen 3 and Liz Fraser from the Cocteau Twins

Somebody needs to seize two decades of studio work from Kevin Shields and let Jason Pierce work out the kinks with some airy vocal assistance from Liz Fraser. This would actually be pretty wild. And probably underwhelming given the wait.

Flaming Lips => Replace Wayne Coyne with Tim DeLaughter from Tripping Daisy/Polyphonic Spree

It's a wonder that more people haven't called out Tim DeLaughter from aping not ONE but TWO versions of the Flaming Lips--first with his fuzzy guitar/squeaky vocal band Tripping Daisy during the 1990s and second with his fatalistic/densely orchestrated/squeeky vocal band the Polyphonic Spree in the 2000s. Seems like a decent enough guy but not bringing much to the table in terms of originality.

Wilco => Replace Jeff Tweedy with Steve Earle

From vocals to songwriting to pill relapses, management should maybe just put Wilco on autopilot from now on and do a bit of a job share thing between these two fellas who have both "done a lot of livin''. There is continuity.

Portishead => Replaceme Beth Gibbons with Antony Hergarty from Antony and the Johnsons

She didn't seem too interested in "doing" Portishead for the last decade so why not swap in the oddly versatile, oddly prolific Antony? Similar voice, albeit coming from a more supple face.

Gorillaz => Replace Damon Albarn with James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem

James Murphy has a bit of time now that he's mothballed LCD Soundsystem and certainly, he is every bit as connected as Damon Albarn is these days for those expected guest spots. Considering Snoop Dogg and Lou Reed both appeared on the last Gorillaz' full-length, it seems the project is going a bit Stateside anyway so why not hand Murphy the keys and put a real Eastern seaboard spin on the next chapter.

The Arcade Fire => Replace Win Butler from Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes

From widely divergent paths, Oberst has veered into Arcade Fire territory a few times recently; see "Clairaudients (Kill Or Be Killed)" or "Jejune Stars". I dunno. This somehow seems workable. Neither party is very animated and Oberst would add a few pudgy suburban teenagers to the fan base.

Arctic Monkeys => Replace Alex Turner with Carl Barat from the Libertines

Pretty sure the Monkeys have acknowledged a clear debt to the Libertines, in sound, attitude, etc. so this swap could be done seamless and hopefully, would stall any more sadly forgettable solo efforts. For the time being.

Special Report: Ten Ideas for Game-based Movies

In honour of the newly minted film based on the board game Battleship (Note: Why is this happening?), here are 10 fresh outlines for other movies based on games.

In reality, none of these are really more or less farfetched than a friggin' Battleship flick.

Pictionnary
Genre: A cheaply produced made-for-TV movie, fishing for a distributor
A clinically shy 'tween decides he is only going to "speak" from now on via drawings on pad and paper. A strange part of this decision is that he carries around an egg timer and assigns time limits to everything he draws. His WASP-y parents (Timothy Busfield and Judith Light ) show concern.

Asshole
Genre: A wacky buddy comedy
Within the halls of a faceless suburban industrial park, two lowly file clerks (Jack Black and Jason Segal) playfully assign themselves the titles of Asshole and Vice Asshole and plot to overthrow their company's President (Steve Martin) and Vice President (Dan Ackroyd). In a sudden and provocative plot twist, the Asshole becomes the Vice President, the Vice Asshole moves down to become the Asshole, the Vice President becomes the Vice Asshole and the President stays the President.

H.O.R.S.E.
Genre: An inspirational sports/action flick
Henry "Horse" Johnson (Terrence Howard) is a down-on-his-luck janitor in Washington DC. The one-time collegiate basketball star was thwarted by knee injuries and "the bottle" and yet through it all, he remains a talented long range shooter. He befriends a local "baller" (Lil' Romeo) heading to Syracuse to play college ball and teaches him about being a man, one swish at a time. The film features a number of ill-advised cameos from obscure NBA role players such as Del Curry, Jason Kapono and Hubert Davis.

Balderdash
Genre: A subtle dark comedy from the UK
A pathological liar (Steve Coogan) spends much of his day making up words, fooling friends and co-workers, and causing everyone to merrily wet themselves with laughter. His frustrated wife (Kelly Macdonald) wonders if her husband feels that LIFE is a game!!! A rival pathological liar from "the wrong side of the tracks" (Jim Jefferies) arrives in town to match wits with our lead, begging the age old question: can you trick a trickster?!?

Red Ass
Genre: A short film from an OCAD student
In this extremelly pretentious student film, a group of young men (metaphorically) throw a tennis ball against a wall, for fear of having the VERY SAME BALL hurled at their buttocks. One unfortunate soul is then subjected to a flogging. Nearby, a group of young girls talk amongst themselves. The film features no dialogue, a lot of interpretive dance and no props or sets. Shot entirely on a Flip camcorder.

Red Rover
Genre: A very suspenseful angst film
In the near future, US border guards are forbidden from using weapons, vehicles or barriers of any kind. In lieu, they are required to rely on sheer will and physicality to protect their border. A leathery Mexican drug lord (Danny Trejo) is shown wringing his hands in delight and aligns a mob of his most trusted mules to inundate Texas with a flood of cocaine and other savoury delights. Standing in his way is an ambitious lead guard (Channing Tatum) who aligns his forces in dramatic fashion—a human chain of hand-holding juicers. The Americans prepare to entrap (and hug) any of the heavies heading their way--a true Mexican standoff! The first mule makes a beeline for El Paso and breaks through the human chain. As part of an understanding, this forces the US to send one of its guards to go live in Mexico. This continues for a while until everybody gets bored and goes home.

Seven Up
Genre: A vapid "Rom Com" gears at suburban teenagers
A selection of self-involved, 20-something New Yorkers (Hilary Duff, Shia LeBeouf and others) experience love and lost in Manhattan. With gentle nods to the occult, wooing takes place via random taps to the skull, with the various characters speculating on who their potential mates are. The rest of the film features tweaked-out shots of the characters transfixed on their Twitter accounts, talking about their clothes, what restaurants they're about to visit and speculating about when Friday will arrive. Michael Keaton collects a pay cheque as “Dad”.

Duck Duck Goose
Genre: An animated Pixar extraveganza!
A lively cartoon that features a wacky assortment of talking ducks (voiced by John Lithgrow, Kristen Schaal, Chris Tucker and others) that adhere to various stereotypes (the hick, the gang banger, the spunky tom boy, the austere father). The fowl find themselves afflicted with a mysterious neurological disorder that turns them into geese. The only cure? Encircle other ducks and then run in opposing circles. Rinse and repeat. Much hilarity ensues. The effort is universally panned by critics and children alike.

Sorry!
Genre: A drug movie
In this art house bait, we are provided a glimpse into the minds of various strangers stuck on a New York commuter train (Chloë Sevigny, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Aubrey Plaza, David Cross, Crispen Glover and others). Much of the film takes place in dream sequences and features the strangers jumping over one another, going down slides, saying to one another, “Hey, sorry!”, etc. It's trippy. Heavily influenced by Gus Van Sant.

Jenga
Genre: A tedious dialogue-fuelled drama
Dallas 2012. Greedy land developers (Chris Cooper, Joan Allen, Jeff Daniels) plot to build the largest freestanding tower on Earth through a very strange construction technique that involves air lifting individual weather-sealed wood planks and piling them one atop of another in an adjacent fashion. A rival developer (Sam Rockwell), looking for a piece of the action, begins to contribute to the process through his own series of orchestrated air lifts. Will the building topple before the planet's stock of individual planks runs out? I dunno but the future of Dallas lies in the balance.