Reset: The Usual Suspects

What

Can I say something? The Usual Suspects is an overrated movie. It’s true. The poster is solid. The characters are all good to very good. But the story is just kind of convoluted and flat. It’s typical heist-run-amuck fare, with some snappy dialogue and references to the devil to give things a bit of an edge. Very much of a time and place, and not something that has aged well IMHO. The ending is good but likewise, has been blown out of proportion as being amongst the finest twists in cinematic history. It’s unfortunate because the ending is pretty solid but unless you saw the movie in its first week of release, you probably went in seeding with the “Ooh, the ending is SOOO amazing” card and then the reality is kinda underwhelming. Anything would be. Ultimately, watching The Usual Suspects is like trying to enjoy lunch at the Village on the Grange food court. It comes with a strong word-of-mouth from artsy types but ultimately, you’ll realize it’s not all that memorable and you end up getting yelled at by the owner of Karine’s. But again, the poster is solid and makes for perfect fodder, to reset the five primary leads.

Components

Stephen Baldwin as Michael McManus 

Gabriel Byrne as Dean Keaton 

Benicio Del Toro as Fred Fenster 

Kevin Pollak as Todd Hockney 

Kevin Spacey as Roger 'Verbal' Kint 

Replacement Parts

Stephen Baldwin => Matthew Lillard as Michael McManus 

Somebody who does wacky and manic well is needed in this role and although he’s kinda fallen off the face of the earth, this could be a vehicle to put Nineties teen slasher fave Matthew Lillard back in the public eye. Please recall he pulls off a wide range of exaggerated facial expressions and mouth gapes like it’s nobody’s business.   

Also considered: Christopher Titus 

Gabriel Byrne => Clive Owen as Dean Keaton 

Love this swap. One cool, collected dude for another. Owen could play around with accents, practice looking conflicted, carry his trench coat while folding his arms (easier said than done) and grow his hair out a bit. It’ll be great.

Also considered: Vincent Cassel

Benicio Del Toro => John Leguizamo as Fred Fenster 

It’s a shame that the career of John Leguizamo never really went to the next level. The dude has/had some seriously range and never runs the risk of being type cast, since he’s played such a myriad of roles during his long career. Guess he’s resigned to being a career “character actor”, which actually makes him a pretty good fit here.

Kevin Pollak => Jeremy Renner as Todd Hockney 

A bit of a curveball but I’m confident that the versatile Renner could connect as the snide, sardonic Todd Hockney. Figured another comedian would be the logical fit but then Pollak played things pretty straight here. So eff that, man.

Kevin Spacey => Paul Giamatti as Roger 'Verbal' Kint 

An example of a reset that begat an entire post. If this movie were made fresh today, Giamatti CLEARLY would play the gimpy Roger Klint with a lot of slack jawed pinache. And then the one-time “Pig Vomit” would wow the audience by walking upright at the end… while smoking a cigarette! Heady stuff indeed.

Reset Rating: 7.5/10

Solid. Unspectacular. Ends with a flourish. Kind of like this movie.

Reset: Major League Baseball Post Season Format (NHL and/or NFL edition)

Please don’t read unless you’re a fan of Major League Baseball. It’s a wee bit nerdy otherwise.

What

It’s seems inevitable that Major League Baseball (MLB) is going to be allowing additional teams into the post season. As early as 2012 or shortly thereafter. The most likely scenario is an additional Wild Card team in each league, cumulated in the two Wild Card teams duking it out in the first round and then advancing to a league Final Four with the three divisional winners. The logic is to bring more prestige and importance to winning one’s division, plus the all-important advancement of revenue streams ( popcorn sales, etc). I think this logic is flawed, short-sighted… and racist! Firstly, MLB has always victimized itself on its own traditions and it is laughable that modern fare such as the designated hitter, expanded rosters and divisional realignment has continually entered into the equation on policy change. Seriously, does anybody really have any emotional connection to the twin league, three divisions per league format that MLB currently enjoys?!? It only goes back to 1995 plus it’s completely skewed considering one of the divisions (the NL Central) has six teams and one has only four (the AL West). So racist! So wrong!

Personally, I’d open the flood gates and allow up to eight more teams into the post season, shortening each non-World Series round to Best-of-Fives to combat scheduling and weather concerns, and creating an s-load of important September games in the process. Teams that have clinched berths can jockey for potential byes and home field advantage while small market teams can vie for the last few seeds. It would be very exciting and far, far less racist. 

Divisional realignment notwithstanding, here is a taste of what the last two post seasons would look like if MLB adopted post season models comparable to the National Hockey League (two conferences, six divisions, eight play-off teams per conference, no byes) or the National Football League(two conferences, eight divisions, six play-off teams per conference, two byes per conference).

Clearly, this is just scheming to somehow get the Toronto Blue Jays back in the post season. At any cost. I’m Ok with this. After all, the Roger Centre (ne: SkyDome, the World’s Greatest Entertainment Centre) was once “the place to be”.

Components

See the breakdown below, including the hypothetical top three starting pitchers that each team would have fielded for these action-packed Best-of-Fives. Since honestly I don’t feel like trying to realign the divisions, let’s assume status quo on the six divisions for now.

Replacement Parts

The 2010 MLB Season

NHL Post Season Model – American League

Oakland Athletics (8) – Cahill, Gonzalez, Anderson @ Tampa Bay Rays (1) – Price, Garza, Shields

Toronto Blue Jays (7) – Marcum, Romero, Morrow @ Minnesota Twins (2) – Liriano, Pavano, Duensing

Chicago White Sox (6) – Danks, Floyd, Buerhle @ Texas Rangers (3) – Lee, Wilson, Lewis

Boston Red Sox (5) – Lester, Buchholz, Beckett @ New York Yankees (4) – Sabathia, Hughes, Pettitte

NHL Post Season Model – National League

Florida Marlins (8) – Johnson, Sanchez, Nolasco @ Philadelphia Phillies (1) – Halladay, Oswalt, Hamels

Colorado Rockies (7) – Jimenez, Chacin, de la Rosa @ San Francisco Giants (2) – Lincecum, Cain, Sanchez

St Louis Cardinals (6) – Wainwright, Carpenter, Garcia @ Cincinnati Reds (3) – Arroyo, Cueto, Wood

San Diego Padres (5) – Latos, Richard, Garland @ Atlanta Braves (4) – Hudson, Hanson, Lowe

NFL Post Season Model – American League

First round byes: Tampa Bay Rays and Minnesota Twins

Chicago White Sox (6) – Danks, Floyd, Buerhle @ Texas Rangers (3) – Lee, Wilson Lewis

Boston Red Sox (5) – Lester, Buchholz, Beckett @ New York Yankees (4) – Sabathia, Hughes, Burnett

NFL Post Season Model - National League

First round byes: Philadelphia Phillies and San Francisco Giants

St Louis Cardinals (6) – Wainwright, Carpenter, Garcia @ Cincinnati Reds (3) – Arroyo, Cueto, Wood

San Diego Padres (5) – Latos, Richard, Garland @Atlanta Braves (4) – Hudson, Hanson, Lowe

The 2009 MLB Season

NHL Post Season Model – American League

Tampa Bay Rays (8) – Shields, Garza, Niemann @ New York Yankees (1) – Sabathia, Burnett, Pettitte

Seattle Mariners (7) – Hernandez, Rowland-Smith, Fister @ Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (2) – Weaver, Lackey, Kazmir

Detroit Tigers (6) – Verlander, Jackson, Porcello @ Minnesota Twins (3) – Baker, Blackburn, Slowey

Texas Rangers (5) – Millwood, Feldman, Hunter @ Boston Red Sox (4) – Beckett, Lester, Buchholz

NHL Post Season Model – National League

Chicago Cubs (8) – Dempster, Lilly, Zambrano @ Los Angeles Dodgers (1) – Wolf, Kershaw, Padilla

Atlanta Braves (7) – Vazquez, Jurrjens, Hanson @ Philadelphia Phillies (2) – Lee, Hamels, Martinez

Florida Marlins (6) – Johnson, Nolasco, Sanchez @ St Louis Cardinals (3) – Carpenter, Wainwright, Pineiro

San Francisco Giants (5) @ Colorado Rockies (4) – Jimenez, de la Rosa, Marquis

NFL Post Season Model – American League

First round byes: New York Yankees and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Detroit Tigers (6) – Verlander, Jackson, Porcello @ Minnesota Twins (3) – Baker, Blackburn, Slowey

Texas Rangers (5) – Millwood, Feldman, Hunter @ Boston Red Sox (4) – Beckett, Lester, Buchholz

NFL Post Season Model- National League

First round byes: Los Angeles Dodgers and Philadelphia Phillies

Florida Marlins (6) – Johnson, Nolasco, Sanchez @ St Louis Cardinals (3) – Carpenter, Wainwright, Pineiro

San Francisco Giants (5) @ Colorado Rockies (4) – Jimenez, de la Rosa, Marquis

Note: There is some nice parity here. Only the Philadelphia Phillies would’ve received first round bye in each of the two seasons under the NFL model. And under the NHL model, there’d be a five team different for post season qualifiers between the two seasons. This is solid.

Reset Rating: 10/10

Bud, make this or some semblance of this happen. Stat!

Reset: Lollapalooza 1991

What

2011 marks the 20^th anniversary of Lollapalooza—a certain "dammit, I’m old" realization for myself and various high school classmates. On paper, it was a dubious concept, based on an assumption that Jane’s Addiction could upsize to amphitheatres when fluffed by a series of like-minded souls from the alleged “Alternative Nation”. To the surprise of many, it worked. The annual summer caravan was a must-see proposition for us children of the Nineties. It was a place you moshed, bought really poorly made hemp necklaces, surfed archaic websites and railed about “society”, while devouring overprized slices of cold Pizza Pizza and hanging out with kids from your high school. Which OBVIOUSLY begs the question—what if we reset the entire first year line-up? Without the drama of the impending Jane’s break-up, the ferocity of Ice-T and star making sets from Nine Inch Nails, the next six summers may have sounded far different for a generation of suburban hipsters.

Components

Jane's Addiction
Siouxsie and the Banshees

Living Colour

Ice-T & Body Count

Nine Inch Nails

Butthole Surfers

Rollins Band

Replacement Parts

Jane's Addiction => Depeche Mode

This is a tough choice and I'm not entirely sure Depeche Mode were the best option. Ideally, it'd have been an American outfit headlining, but the Gunners would've been too trashy and R.E.M. too precious. Depeche Mode is the lesser of three evils and were clearly far, far more popular than Jane's Addicition at this point anyway. Yeah, not feeling it but ??? Given the timing, it's a fair bet than Dave Gahan would've died on this tour if they'd signed on.

Also considered: Guns N' Roses, R.E.M.

Siouxsie and the Banshees => The Cult

It still seems weird that the Banshees were popular enough in America to enjoy a sub-heading slot. I guess 1991 caught them at their commercial peak and a quick Wikipedia check confirms that Superstition, the album they were touring at the time, actually made the Billboard Top 40. Huh! Anyway, the Cult is a much better fit here IMHO--a proven, stadium-worthy outfit that appealed to both modern rock fans and white trash. Plus The Cult had US package tour experience with its own A Gathering of the Tribes festival a year prior in California.

Also considered: Love & Rockets, Dead Can Dance

Living Colour => Faith No More

Kinda similar, if you throw out the race card. FNM had finished cresting from "Epic"/The Real Thing by this point so Mike Patton would've likely been behaving badly on this one. Peeing on the audience. Punching the stage crew. Moshing(!!). In retrospect, it's surprising these guys never made the cut.

Also considered: The Pixies, The Replacements

Ice-T & Body Count => Public Enemy

Much like FNM, the mighty Public Enemy were starting to bottom out by 1991 yet were still courting controversy wherever they went. Apparently a solid live act, they'd have easily jived with the confrontational line-up and inspired must shoving and crowd surfing with the audience.

Also considered: N.W.A., Black Sheep

Nine Inch Nails => Skinny Puppy

This is an obvious swap, considering that Trent Reznor was still very much aping the Canadian industrial pioneer's MO in 1991. It'd be interesting see how Ogre would've managed to turn on the menace during daylight hours in midwestern amphitheatres et all.

Also considered: Sisters of Mercy, Foetus, Pop Will Eat Itself

Butthole Surfers => The KLF

An about face from the Buttholes but fitting if you consider this to be the "wacky" slot on the bill. I'm sure the unpredictable KLF/Timelords/JAMMs would have had some tricks up their sleeves and attempted to get themselves kicked off the tour. It’d probably have included a dead sheep or something. I'd give them 2-3 shows before Perry and friends gave them the boot.

Also considered: The Dwarves, Iggy Pop, The Cramps

Rollins Band => Helmet

Slow, grindy hard rock might not be the best curtain jerker for a package tour so at least Helmet would be able to bring some youth and energy, over and above the sounds that Rollins' crew could provide. They'd be pretty much unknown at this point but who knows--maybe they'd have sold a few more CDs and gotten a bit more radio play if they'd have occupied this slot. 

Also considered: Cop Shoot Cop, Unsane, Tad

Reset Rating: 7/10 

It’s solid overall. Still concerned about the headliner status—considering whether Neil Young or The Cure would be a viable alternative to the DM/Gunners/R.E.M. proposition. Otherwise, I think it works. The Dwarves are probably a more direct substitution for the Butthole Surfers. But the KLF are too underrated and far too forgotten not to make this line-up. Will have t-shirts made up shortly.

Trade Winds: Real Housewives 1.0

The first in a several part series, The Rest Button evaluates hypothetical “wife swaps” as the men, women and children of the Real Housewives franchise leave their considerable fortunes behind and are forced to live in multi-million dollar dwellings in other states.  Conflict guaranteed and expected. These folks are whack.

… Um, not that I care.

The Trade

To The Real Housewives of New York City: Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen

To The Real Housewives of Orange County: Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley

The Impact

The Real Housewives of New York City

Well, this is interesting. As surrogate parents to tiny bastards Johan and François, Rossi and Smiley struggle to overcome their self-serving ways and cope deep within the bowels of Gotham. Sure, there are lighter moments (a scene where Johan playfully riffles through Rossi’s handbag sample collection is especially delicious). But mainly, the chemistry plays out like a bad Family Circus cartoon and the camera regularly captures the OC transplants looking frustrated and defeated. Especially after a disastrous trip to Zarin Fabrics where the once-jolly Bobby Zarin is impaled by one of his own fabric spools, set forth by Johan, by “accident”. Afterhours, Smiley immediately becomes a chief nemesis to Countess LuAnn de Lesseps after a vitriol-fuelled dinner party where Smiley uses (the horror) HIS HANDS to eat. de Lesseps labels Smiley “an ingrate” and goes all Emily Post on his ass. Meanwhile, the nutty Kelly Bensimon finds Smiley “yummy” and attempts to neck with him at a Creaky Joints fundraiser. In retaliation, Rossi tries to curb Bensimon’s wandering, blank stares by donning the Evil Eye baseball hat. The ladies end up throwing shoes at one another. Because they are upset.

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Simon takes to the Orange County lifestyle like a pig to shit. He allows the hot California sun to bake his pasty flesh. He dresses in billowy white pants and strips to tight-fitting Speedos at the beach (“when in Rome”). He dances with a purpose at Hollywood’s finest D-list premieres. It’s a great time all around. Alex also enjoys the slower pace of the left coast and immediately, becomes “fast friends” with fellow Housewife Alexis Bellino—an odd match on paper, considering the culture clash of McCord’s blowhard-ish cadence and Bellino’s god-fearing philosophy. The pair enjoy countless spa days and leisurely lunches as van Kempen dabbles… elsewhere… with “new” friends. The only true conflict emerges during an exciting trip to “The River” where Vicki Gunvalson questions van Kempen’s work ethic. Both to the camera and to his FACE!!! Before the two come to blows, Gunvalson is struck in the side of the head with a stray football… again. Much hooting and hollering ensues.

Reset: Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (MLB edition)

What

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? More like Maslow’s Hierarchy of CRAP!!! Every blowhard university professor has to trot out this tired, obvious triangle as some symbol of meaning and depth and intrigue. When in reality, it’s a symbol that otherwise smart people are out of ideas. My goal is to marginalize this antiquated concept by applying its five levels to something as trivial as professional sports. This will be the first part in a series, subbing in the men and women of Major League Baseball who best embody each level and hopefully, in the process, breech one of the worse triangles ever.

Note: This will only include players that I saw play in my lifetime. Apologies to all the Satchel Paige completists.

Components

Source: http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm

Physiological Needs: These include the most basic needs that are vital to survival, such as the need for water, air, food and sleep. Maslow believed that these needs are the most basic and instinctive needs in the hierarchy because all needs become secondary until these physiological needs are met.

Security Needs: These include needs for safety and security. Security needs are important for survival, but they are not as demanding as the physiological needs. Examples of security needs include a desire for steady employment, health insurance, safe neighborhoods and shelter from the environment.

Social Needs: These include needs for belonging, love and affection. Maslow considered these needs to be less basic than physiological and security needs. Relationships such as friendships, romantic attachments and families help fulfill this need for companionship and acceptance, as does involvement in social, community or religious groups.

Esteem Needs: After the first three needs have been satisfied, esteem needs becomes increasingly important. These include the need for things that reflect on self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition and accomplishment.

Self-actualizing Needs: This is the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Self-actualizing people are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling their potential.

Replacement Parts

Physiological => Jack Wilson

A really basic player who has managed to toil as a basic shortstop for many basic teams such as the Pittsburgh Pirates of the 00s. He’s merely adequate. And yet finds work.

Also considered: David Dejesus, Vance Law, Tom Brookens

Safety => Mike Stanton

Steady employment was Mike Stanton’s specialty. And with good reason. He appeared in an unreal 11 different postseasons for four different teams and was always a calming, steady influence out of the bullpen. Especially for some really annoying New York Yankee squads. Leads were (for the most part) safe when Stanton came into the game and really, he deserves at least some “mad props” when Mariano Rivera makes his Cooperstown speech in a few years.

Also considered: Jeff Nelson, Jason Varitek, Jesse Orosco

Love/Belonging => Torii Hunter

Apparently the nicest dude in MLB circa now, Hunter likely would have been way more marketable if he didn’t spend him prime years in Minneapolis. That being said, why aren’t the Angels (in general) more “high profile” than they are? I don’t get it. Second biggest media market in the country and yet their homegrown“legends” (i.e. Tim Salmon, Mike Witt, Garret Anderson, Chuck Finley) aren’t exactly household names. That being said, Finley does deserve credit for getting his ass kicked by his ex-wife (inspite of his rangy 6'6 frame).

Also considered: Andy Van Slyke, Mike Scioscia, Roger McDowell

Esteem => Dave Winfield

Call him pompous. Call him arrogant. Just don’t call him late for dinner. Winfield had a mighty fine jib for a pro athlete and played the game with a great deal of reverence. A born leader with a knack for spewing quotes filled with simplistic philosophy that (somehow) dazzled sports writers, Winfield played the game with grace… whatever that means.

Also considered: Tony Gwynn, Gary Carter, Derek Jeter

Self-actualization => Greg Maddux

Personally, I feel Maddux might embody self-actualization more than any other professional athlete of my lifetime. This slight (6’0, 170 lbs) hurler was absolutely without peers during his prime and kept hitters completely baffled during the steroids era, in spite of being “blessed” with the physique of Matthew Broderick. Maddux could have never even been drafted if he wasn’t completely self aware of his physical limitations as a teenager and as a result, he opted to use cunning and smarts to complement a good (but not spectacular) arsenal of pitches. Outcome? This slight son-of-a-bitch won 355 games and four Cy Young Awards. Right proper.

Also considered: Orel Hershiser, Ichiro Suzuki, Dennis Eckersley

Reset Rating: 8/10

Gonna grade this on a curve since this is clearly an “Apples and Oranges” exercise. I really just loathe Maslow’s Hierarchy of Crap!!! and would love to play a role in its abolishment from curriculums across the globe. For more info, IM me.

Trade Winds: Saved by the Bell vs Degrassi High vs Beverly Hills 90210

A tremendous new feature here at The Reset Button, let's discuss hypothetical scenarios where General Managers are installed into various properties and given the ability to trade assets between TV programs, films, bands, etc. Could happen.

General Managers

Saved by the Bell: Rod Belding

The mysterious brother of incompetent Bayside principal Mr. Belding, this super-casual, long-haired free spirit would work the phones with ease and try to dupe his fellow General Managers with surf lingo and slackjawed optimism. Please note that Rod Belding would require a stipulation in his contract that would allow him to take July and August off (so he can follow his dreams) and he would bookend each trade by exclaiming, "Let's not learn history--let's make history!!”

Degrassi High: Bronco Davis

For the soccer ball hat alone, Bronco is a great fit. His calm demeanour and thoughtfulness will serve him well in this role. Plus as the former president of the Degrassi High Student Council, leadership is clearly in his DNA.

Beverly Hills 90210: Dr. Mel Silver

This dentist to the stars will leave behind a lucrative practice to try his hand at... um, this. He is clearly booksmart but whispers within "the industry" suggest concern that the smooth talking Rod Belding will try to rook Dr. Mel on future trades and lure all the ladies of 90210 to the halls of Bayside, namely so he can bed them. As a result, Nat Bussichio will be kept on retainer as Special Assistant to the General Manager to provide Dr. Mel with sage wisdom, as needed. Nat will also serve him lunch every day.

  

The Trade

To Saved by the Bell: Brandon Walsh, Dylan McKay and Steve Sanders

To Degrassi High: Zack Morris, Albert Clifford "AC" Slater and Samuel "Screech" Powers

To Beverly Hills 90210: Joey Jerimiah, Derek "Wheels" Wheeler and Archie "Snake" Simpson

The Impact

Saved by the Bell

It's a bit of culture shock as the male core of 90210 are forced to endure the relatively lame hijinx of Bayside. Dylan is especially dour and storms out of The Max after local restaurant proprietor Max tries to cheer him up with some slight-of-hand magic tricks. Ultimately, Dylan falls for Jessica Spano and plies her with pills and alcohol, leading to a series of episodes that far exceed the gravity of her "I'm so excited/I'm so excited/I'm so... scared" breakdown. They enter rehab together. Interestingly, Steve assumes a role not unlike that played by Zack, always scheming and breaking the fourth wall. An intriguing romance with the elusive Penny Belding breaks off when the young lovers determine that their hair is too similar. Sadly, Brandon emerges as the smartest man at Bayside and ousts the lumpy Mr. Belding to become the youngest (ne: only other) principal in the school's history.

Degrassi High

Without question, Zack, Slater and Screech dominate Degrassi High and take the city of Toronto by storm. After a tense first day confrontation with Mr. Raditch, Zack soon enlists Arthur Kobalewsky and Yick "Mr Yu the Disorganized" Yu to do his bidding. Zack ultimately dates a series of Degrassi's finest flowers (Caitlin Ryan, Tessa Campanelli, Ms. Avery) before somehow earning a full scholarship to the University of Toronto even though his grades were shit and he was nothing but a thorn in Raditch's side (Note: Zack's off-the-charts SAT scores somehow played a role). Slater immediately takes a liking to Lucy Fernandez and the pair become joined at the hip, bonding over their shared Latin heritage. Slater's other major achievement is a spirited fist fight with the treacherous bully Dwayne Myers. Slater negates Dwayne's weight advantage with a serious of amateur wrestling manoeuvres. He ultimately slams Dwayne to the pavement, causing paralysis. Screech becomes something of a matinee idol, dating twins Heather and Erica Farrell simultaneously. Screech's cover is ultimately blown at a school dance, as Harem Scarem songs play in the background. Hilarity ensures as the twins collective douse Screech with equal portions of Cott soda.

Beverly Hills 90210

Joey, Wheels and Snake are completely thrown by the snooty faculty and student body of West Beverly High, and all three ultimately face some very serious challenges. Upon arrival, Joey becomes the shortest male student in the entire school and his pint-sized bravado is summarily ignored by Kelly Taylor et all. Only the dim-witted Donna Martin takes a liking to Joey, but purely in a plutonic fashion. Even David Silver scoffs at the notion of playing the Zit Remedy's demo tape on North America's most evolved high school radio station. Wheels is completely screwed and drops out of school after just a few months, focusing on fries and video games instead. To say that Wheels is jaded and upset would be an understatement. The next part of Wheels' story is too grim to discuss here. Let's just say it ends up on Hollywood Blvd and makes his encounter with the knee-squeezing pervert in Port Hope seem like a cakewalk. Snake actually fits in the best of the three. He finds success as a swingman on the basketball team and engages in a little May-September romance with the frumpy Andrea Zuckerman.

Reset: Seinfeld

What
The beloved "sitcom about nothing" is one of... wait a minute, can we discuss this for a sec? It always bothered me that Seinfeld will be known until the end of time as the sitcom about nothing. I think it became something of a self-perpetuating myth. Yes, some of the plots were a bit trite and granted, the nuances of the show were very unique when compared to something like Full House. But still--the show had plots, story archs, character development, etc. That is something. Not nothing. Anyway, it needs to be reset with modern day contemporaries.

Components
Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes
Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer
Jason Alexander as George Costanza
Wayne Knight as Newman
Larry David as George Steinbrenner
Heidi Swedberg as Susan Biddle Ross
Estelle Harris as Estelle Costanza
Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza
Liz Sheridan as Helen Seinfeld
Barney Martin as Morty Seinfeld
John O'Hurley as J. Peterman
Len Lesser as Uncle Leo
Patrick Warburton as David Puddy
Lee Bear as George Steinbrenner
Steve Hytner as Kenny Bania
Phil Morris as Jackie Chiles

Replacements Parts

Jerry Seinfeld => Adam Carolla as Adam Carolla
This is the role of a lifetime for "The Ace Man" .Physically, Carolla can do a passable Seinfeld impression, neither can really act and they're both very funny. Albeit in completely different ways. Will need to surround Carolla with a few familiar faces for comfort. Also, it will be necessary to adapt the name of the program to… wait for it... Carolla.
Also considered: Norm McDonald

Julia Louis-Dreyfus => Alanna Ubach as Elaine Benes
I'm not too familiar with this dame but I like the cut of her jib. I've heard her on Carolla's podcast a few times, she's kooky and sounds like she's got enough range to play the neurotic spinster that Elaine became. A hidden gem, perhaps. Good enough.

Michael Richards => John C. Reilly as Cosmo Kramer
Tall, goofy looking guy with curly hair who wouldn't look out of place falling over a couch.
Also considered: John Luguiziamo, Michael Keaton

Jason Alexander => Patton Oswalt as George Costanza
Oswalt will need to ratchet his energy level up several notches to pull this off. But I think this could be accomplished with some coaching and/or cocaine. Physically, it’s a total no brainer. He will be required to wear prop glasses.

Wayne Knight => Rob Couddry as Newman
Reliable funnyman Couddry will need to get a bit more smarmy, a bit more coy in this role. I have concerns that he’s too likable but when the alternative is a registered sex offender, lesser of two evils, I suppose.
Also considered: Jeffrey Jones

Larry David => Jim Florentine as Hank Steinbrenner
Carolla’s buddy from Crank Yankers finds work and puts his considerable vocal talents to the test. Oh, Boss George is actually dead so maybe we could swap in Hank as a ringer.
Also considered: Lewis Black

Heidi Swedberg => Bridget Fonda as Susan Biddle Ross
Susan was completely non-descript and essentially a Petri dish for George’s psychosis. So, the exceedingly bland stylings of the MIA Bridget Fonda work well here.
Also considered: Mira Sorvino

Estelle Harris => Bette Midler as Estelle Costanza
Jerry Stiller => Don Rickles as Frank Costanza
Producers will need to “bring the cheddar” to lure these two legends to the Carolla soundstage. But the three-way nuttiness between Oswalt, Midler and Rickles could be quite lovely.

Liz Sheridan => Blythe Danner as Kris Carolla
Barney Martin => Craig T. Nelson as "Pops" Carolla
I like this. Carolla doesn’t look anything like either of these two so it’s a bit of a stretch to imagine him having emerged from their loins. But there would be serious chemistry between Carolla and Nelson, over football, etc. Aging make-up may be required for the pair. 

John O'Hurley => Oliver Platt as J. Peterman
Is it just me or does Oliver Platt own… I mean, own every movie he appears in? Granted, I’ve only seen him in 2-3 roles. But doesn’t matter—the guy is very talented and could easily nail the part of a yappy catalogue tycoon. 

Len Lesser => Terry Bradshaw as Uncle Leo
Ugh. I’m not a fan of Bradshaw but it is my belief he could strike the right cadence when he delivers, “Helllooo, Adam” and whatnot. 

Patrick Warburton => Thomas Hayden Church as David Puddy
This is great. Both actors are lumbering and slightly Cro-Magnon. 

Steve Hytner => Hank Azaria as Kenny Bania
The versatile Azaria could play this role in his sleep. I have confidence in his abilities. Yes. 

Phil Morris => Isiah Whitlock Jr. as Jackie Chiles
Also considered: JB Smoove
He obviously won’t be able to say, “Sheeeeeeeett!!” on network TV. However, he could transpose his crooked state senator shtick from The Wire into a crooked lawyer shtick. Laughter will ensue.

Reset rating: 6/10
This is a bit of a mixed bag. I’m quite pleased with the four main characters and some of the other talent, namely Florentine, Fonda, Platt and Bania. Everybody else, I could probably be talked out of. It’s sacrilege to even suggest resetting something like Seinfeld. But as we say in the biz, “It’s a good start”.