Reset: Charity Supergroups of the Eighties

What

In the mid-1980s, something pop musicians liked… no, LOVED to do was…

- organize themselves via the telephone

- gather in large recording studios with plenty of news crews present (often wearing sweaters)

- stand in tiered formations  on carpeted sound stages (all bodies facing the same direction)

- belt out overwrought tunes, often with eyes welled shut and a metric ton of earnestness.

Now, good natured bitchiness aside, the charity supergroup phenomenon no doubt raised millions for those in need (namely, starving Ethiopians) and drew awareness to causes in need of awareness. That’s a good thing. The trend kinda fizzled by the end of the decade, in spite of fine efforts from Voices That Care (featuring an incredible bevy of singing NBA talent plus Kenny G, Orel Hershiser, Fred Savage... it's kind of incredible) and We’re All in the Same Gang (featuring a strangely thuggish Tone-Loc and the last known sighting of JJ Fad).

We’re about due for a renaissance so this reset of USA for Africa, Northern Lights and Band Aid is a great first step. Enjoy!

Components

Too many to list here. See resets below with a few snide remarks for good measure.

Replacement Parts

USA FOR AFRICA

Al Jarreau => Akon

Bette Midler => Queen Latifah

Billy Joel => Bruno Mars

Bob Dylan => Tom Petty

Bob Geldof => Chris Martin (Coldplay)

Bruce Springsteen => Eminem

Cyndi Lauper => Lady Gaga

Dan Aykroyd => Mike Myers

David Paich and Steve Porcaro (Toto) => Andrew VanWyngarden and Benjamin Goldwasser (MGMT)

Diana Ross => Mariah Carey

Dionne Warwick => Mary J Blige
Hall & Oates => 3OH!3

Harry Belafonte => Enrique Iglesias

Huey Lewis and the News => OK Go

Jacksons, The => Backstreet Boys
James Ingram => T-Pain

Jeffrey Osborne => Cee Lo Green

Kenny Loggins => Jason Mraz

Kenny Rogers => Kenny Chesney

Kim Carnes => Sara Bareilles

La Toya Jackson => Ke$ha

Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac) => Rob Thomas

Lionel Richie => Usher

Michael Jackson => Justin Timberlake

Paul Simon => Jack Johnson

Pointer Sisters, The => Black Eyed Peas, The

Quincy Jones => Timbaland

Ray Charles => Randy Newman

Sheila E => P!nk

Smokey Robinson => Maxwell

Steve Perry (Journey) => Patrick Monahan (Train)

Stevie Wonder => John Legend

Tina Turner => Beyonce

Waylon Jennings => Steve Earle

Willie Nelson => Kris Kristofferson

Notes

- The Springsteen/Eminem reset may raise a few eyebrows. But seriously, Eminem probably “speaks” to as many average Americans in 2011 as “The Boss” did back in 1985.

-  The hardest reset may have been the Pointer Sisters. Is there even a popular girl group remaining in this climate? I’ve never really thought about it but after Britney Spears showed up, all the marketing went into creating divas rather than girl groups. Unique! I yearn for Zhane.

- Why did Dan Akroyd sing on this track? He was neither American nor a musician. What a farce!

- The highlight of any music by USA4A 2.0 would no doubt be T-Pain and Akon’s Autotuned contributions. Can you be earnest via Autotune? Doubt it.

NORTHERN LIGHTS, THE

Aldo Nova => Down with Webster

Alfie Zappacosta => Matthew Good

Andy Kim => Steven Page

Anne Murray => Shania Twain
Brian Good (Good Brothers, The) => Dallas Good (Sadies, The)

Bruce Cockburn => Ron Sexsmith

Bryan Adams => Sam Roberts

Burton Cummings (Guess Who, The) => Gord Downie (Tragically Hip, The)

Carole Pope => Tegan and Sara

Catherine O'Hara => Caroline Rhea

Corey Hart => Justin Bieber

Dan Hill => Jann Arden

Eugene Levy => Will Arnett
Frank Mills => Tony Quarrington

Geddy Lee (Rush) => Win Butler (Arcade Fire, The)

Gordon Lightfoot => Robbie Robertson

Jane Siberry => Basia Bulat

John Candy => Seth Rogen

Joni Mitchell => Sarah McLachlan

Kim Mitchell => Colin James

Liberty Silver => Jully Black

Lisa Dalbello => Bif Naked

Lorraine Segato (Parachute Club, The) => Martina Sorbara (Dragonette)

Marc Jordan => Daniel Lanois

Mark Holmes (Platinum Blonde) = Jacob Hoggard (Hedley)

Martha Johnson (Martha + the Muffins) => Emily Haines (Metric)

Mike Reno (Loverboy) => Chad Kroeger (Nickelback)

Murray McLauchlan => City and Colour

Neil Young => Leonard Cohen

Oscar Peterson => Diana Krall

Paul Anka => Matt Dusk

Paul Hyde (Payola$, The) => Carl Newman (New Pornographers, The)

Paul Shaffer => Bob Rock

Ronnie Hawkins => Greg Keelor (Blue Rodeo)

Tom Cochrane => Matt Mays

Tommy Hunter => Paul Brandt

Notes

- Clothes aren’t important but goddam, the original “Tears Are Not Enough” video has at least a dozen seriously questionable fashion choices. Even by mid-Eighties standards. Anne Murray's jumpsuit, for one.

- Metric really are basically an updated version of (Thornhill-own) Martha + the Muffins.

- Am I the only person who got really confused between Aldo Nova and Alta Moda? How the (heck) could “record execs” allow these rather different outfits with basically the same name to appear within mere years of each other. 

- Fun fact: my mom, the L&D nurse, delivered children for two original Northern Lights (Dan Hill and Mark Holmes… or somebody from Platinum Blonde, at least). She also knew Col. Sanders when the chicken dude spent some time in Mississauga during the late Sixties/early Seventies. Seriously.

BAND AID

Adam Clayton and Bono (U2) => Colin Greenwood and Thom Yorke (Radiohead)

Big Country => Mumford and Sons

Bob Geldof => Chris Martin (Coldplay)

Boomtown Rats, The => Kaiser Chiefs

Boy George => Amy Winehouse

Chris Cross and Midge Ure (Ultravox) => Bobby Gillespie and Martin Duffy (Primal Scream)

David Bowie => Mick Jagger

Duran Duran => Take That

George Michael (Wham!) => Taio Cruz

Glenn Gregory and Martyn Ware (Heaven 17) => La Roux

Holly Johnson (Frankie Goes to Hollywood)  => Kele Okereke (Bloc Party)

James "J.T." Taylor and Robert 'Kool' Bell (Kool & The Gang) => Suggs and Mike Barson (Madness)

Jim Kerr (Simple Minds) => Tom Chaplin (Keane)

Jody Watley => Natasha Bedingfield

Keren Woodward (Bananarama) => Geri Halliwell (Spice Girls)

Marilyn => Mika

Paul McCartney => Elvis Costello

Paul Weller => Noel Gallagher

Paul Young => Plan B

Phil Collins => Craig David

Spandau Ballet => Goldfrapp

Status Quo => Stereophonics, The

Sting (The Police) => Seal

Tears for Fears => Muse

Notes

- This was very challenging, since at least 30% of Band Aid was made up of pale white dudes wearing “guyliner”. Not really too many modern day equivalents, at least in the UK.

- David Bowie is kind of impossible to replace. Same with Paul McCartney. The former once sang a song with Mick Jagger and the latter is buddies with Elvis Costello. Hence, the resets although I don’t love either. Other names considered: Robbie Williams, Morrissey, Robert Plant. It’s tough.

- No idea how Kool and the Gang, hailing from the very un-British enclave of New Jersey, got roped into this.

Reset Rating: 5/10

Too much ground to cover with any degree of accuracy. Fun. Neat. But ultimately, flawed.