Trade Winds: Real Housewives 1.0

The first in a several part series, The Rest Button evaluates hypothetical “wife swaps” as the men, women and children of the Real Housewives franchise leave their considerable fortunes behind and are forced to live in multi-million dollar dwellings in other states.  Conflict guaranteed and expected. These folks are whack.

… Um, not that I care.

The Trade

To The Real Housewives of New York City: Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen

To The Real Housewives of Orange County: Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley

The Impact

The Real Housewives of New York City

Well, this is interesting. As surrogate parents to tiny bastards Johan and François, Rossi and Smiley struggle to overcome their self-serving ways and cope deep within the bowels of Gotham. Sure, there are lighter moments (a scene where Johan playfully riffles through Rossi’s handbag sample collection is especially delicious). But mainly, the chemistry plays out like a bad Family Circus cartoon and the camera regularly captures the OC transplants looking frustrated and defeated. Especially after a disastrous trip to Zarin Fabrics where the once-jolly Bobby Zarin is impaled by one of his own fabric spools, set forth by Johan, by “accident”. Afterhours, Smiley immediately becomes a chief nemesis to Countess LuAnn de Lesseps after a vitriol-fuelled dinner party where Smiley uses (the horror) HIS HANDS to eat. de Lesseps labels Smiley “an ingrate” and goes all Emily Post on his ass. Meanwhile, the nutty Kelly Bensimon finds Smiley “yummy” and attempts to neck with him at a Creaky Joints fundraiser. In retaliation, Rossi tries to curb Bensimon’s wandering, blank stares by donning the Evil Eye baseball hat. The ladies end up throwing shoes at one another. Because they are upset.

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Simon takes to the Orange County lifestyle like a pig to shit. He allows the hot California sun to bake his pasty flesh. He dresses in billowy white pants and strips to tight-fitting Speedos at the beach (“when in Rome”). He dances with a purpose at Hollywood’s finest D-list premieres. It’s a great time all around. Alex also enjoys the slower pace of the left coast and immediately, becomes “fast friends” with fellow Housewife Alexis Bellino—an odd match on paper, considering the culture clash of McCord’s blowhard-ish cadence and Bellino’s god-fearing philosophy. The pair enjoy countless spa days and leisurely lunches as van Kempen dabbles… elsewhere… with “new” friends. The only true conflict emerges during an exciting trip to “The River” where Vicki Gunvalson questions van Kempen’s work ethic. Both to the camera and to his FACE!!! Before the two come to blows, Gunvalson is struck in the side of the head with a stray football… again. Much hooting and hollering ensues.

Reset: Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (MLB edition)

What

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? More like Maslow’s Hierarchy of CRAP!!! Every blowhard university professor has to trot out this tired, obvious triangle as some symbol of meaning and depth and intrigue. When in reality, it’s a symbol that otherwise smart people are out of ideas. My goal is to marginalize this antiquated concept by applying its five levels to something as trivial as professional sports. This will be the first part in a series, subbing in the men and women of Major League Baseball who best embody each level and hopefully, in the process, breech one of the worse triangles ever.

Note: This will only include players that I saw play in my lifetime. Apologies to all the Satchel Paige completists.

Components

Source: http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm

Physiological Needs: These include the most basic needs that are vital to survival, such as the need for water, air, food and sleep. Maslow believed that these needs are the most basic and instinctive needs in the hierarchy because all needs become secondary until these physiological needs are met.

Security Needs: These include needs for safety and security. Security needs are important for survival, but they are not as demanding as the physiological needs. Examples of security needs include a desire for steady employment, health insurance, safe neighborhoods and shelter from the environment.

Social Needs: These include needs for belonging, love and affection. Maslow considered these needs to be less basic than physiological and security needs. Relationships such as friendships, romantic attachments and families help fulfill this need for companionship and acceptance, as does involvement in social, community or religious groups.

Esteem Needs: After the first three needs have been satisfied, esteem needs becomes increasingly important. These include the need for things that reflect on self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition and accomplishment.

Self-actualizing Needs: This is the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Self-actualizing people are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling their potential.

Replacement Parts

Physiological => Jack Wilson

A really basic player who has managed to toil as a basic shortstop for many basic teams such as the Pittsburgh Pirates of the 00s. He’s merely adequate. And yet finds work.

Also considered: David Dejesus, Vance Law, Tom Brookens

Safety => Mike Stanton

Steady employment was Mike Stanton’s specialty. And with good reason. He appeared in an unreal 11 different postseasons for four different teams and was always a calming, steady influence out of the bullpen. Especially for some really annoying New York Yankee squads. Leads were (for the most part) safe when Stanton came into the game and really, he deserves at least some “mad props” when Mariano Rivera makes his Cooperstown speech in a few years.

Also considered: Jeff Nelson, Jason Varitek, Jesse Orosco

Love/Belonging => Torii Hunter

Apparently the nicest dude in MLB circa now, Hunter likely would have been way more marketable if he didn’t spend him prime years in Minneapolis. That being said, why aren’t the Angels (in general) more “high profile” than they are? I don’t get it. Second biggest media market in the country and yet their homegrown“legends” (i.e. Tim Salmon, Mike Witt, Garret Anderson, Chuck Finley) aren’t exactly household names. That being said, Finley does deserve credit for getting his ass kicked by his ex-wife (inspite of his rangy 6'6 frame).

Also considered: Andy Van Slyke, Mike Scioscia, Roger McDowell

Esteem => Dave Winfield

Call him pompous. Call him arrogant. Just don’t call him late for dinner. Winfield had a mighty fine jib for a pro athlete and played the game with a great deal of reverence. A born leader with a knack for spewing quotes filled with simplistic philosophy that (somehow) dazzled sports writers, Winfield played the game with grace… whatever that means.

Also considered: Tony Gwynn, Gary Carter, Derek Jeter

Self-actualization => Greg Maddux

Personally, I feel Maddux might embody self-actualization more than any other professional athlete of my lifetime. This slight (6’0, 170 lbs) hurler was absolutely without peers during his prime and kept hitters completely baffled during the steroids era, in spite of being “blessed” with the physique of Matthew Broderick. Maddux could have never even been drafted if he wasn’t completely self aware of his physical limitations as a teenager and as a result, he opted to use cunning and smarts to complement a good (but not spectacular) arsenal of pitches. Outcome? This slight son-of-a-bitch won 355 games and four Cy Young Awards. Right proper.

Also considered: Orel Hershiser, Ichiro Suzuki, Dennis Eckersley

Reset Rating: 8/10

Gonna grade this on a curve since this is clearly an “Apples and Oranges” exercise. I really just loathe Maslow’s Hierarchy of Crap!!! and would love to play a role in its abolishment from curriculums across the globe. For more info, IM me.

Trade Winds: Saved by the Bell vs Degrassi High vs Beverly Hills 90210

A tremendous new feature here at The Reset Button, let's discuss hypothetical scenarios where General Managers are installed into various properties and given the ability to trade assets between TV programs, films, bands, etc. Could happen.

General Managers

Saved by the Bell: Rod Belding

The mysterious brother of incompetent Bayside principal Mr. Belding, this super-casual, long-haired free spirit would work the phones with ease and try to dupe his fellow General Managers with surf lingo and slackjawed optimism. Please note that Rod Belding would require a stipulation in his contract that would allow him to take July and August off (so he can follow his dreams) and he would bookend each trade by exclaiming, "Let's not learn history--let's make history!!”

Degrassi High: Bronco Davis

For the soccer ball hat alone, Bronco is a great fit. His calm demeanour and thoughtfulness will serve him well in this role. Plus as the former president of the Degrassi High Student Council, leadership is clearly in his DNA.

Beverly Hills 90210: Dr. Mel Silver

This dentist to the stars will leave behind a lucrative practice to try his hand at... um, this. He is clearly booksmart but whispers within "the industry" suggest concern that the smooth talking Rod Belding will try to rook Dr. Mel on future trades and lure all the ladies of 90210 to the halls of Bayside, namely so he can bed them. As a result, Nat Bussichio will be kept on retainer as Special Assistant to the General Manager to provide Dr. Mel with sage wisdom, as needed. Nat will also serve him lunch every day.

  

The Trade

To Saved by the Bell: Brandon Walsh, Dylan McKay and Steve Sanders

To Degrassi High: Zack Morris, Albert Clifford "AC" Slater and Samuel "Screech" Powers

To Beverly Hills 90210: Joey Jerimiah, Derek "Wheels" Wheeler and Archie "Snake" Simpson

The Impact

Saved by the Bell

It's a bit of culture shock as the male core of 90210 are forced to endure the relatively lame hijinx of Bayside. Dylan is especially dour and storms out of The Max after local restaurant proprietor Max tries to cheer him up with some slight-of-hand magic tricks. Ultimately, Dylan falls for Jessica Spano and plies her with pills and alcohol, leading to a series of episodes that far exceed the gravity of her "I'm so excited/I'm so excited/I'm so... scared" breakdown. They enter rehab together. Interestingly, Steve assumes a role not unlike that played by Zack, always scheming and breaking the fourth wall. An intriguing romance with the elusive Penny Belding breaks off when the young lovers determine that their hair is too similar. Sadly, Brandon emerges as the smartest man at Bayside and ousts the lumpy Mr. Belding to become the youngest (ne: only other) principal in the school's history.

Degrassi High

Without question, Zack, Slater and Screech dominate Degrassi High and take the city of Toronto by storm. After a tense first day confrontation with Mr. Raditch, Zack soon enlists Arthur Kobalewsky and Yick "Mr Yu the Disorganized" Yu to do his bidding. Zack ultimately dates a series of Degrassi's finest flowers (Caitlin Ryan, Tessa Campanelli, Ms. Avery) before somehow earning a full scholarship to the University of Toronto even though his grades were shit and he was nothing but a thorn in Raditch's side (Note: Zack's off-the-charts SAT scores somehow played a role). Slater immediately takes a liking to Lucy Fernandez and the pair become joined at the hip, bonding over their shared Latin heritage. Slater's other major achievement is a spirited fist fight with the treacherous bully Dwayne Myers. Slater negates Dwayne's weight advantage with a serious of amateur wrestling manoeuvres. He ultimately slams Dwayne to the pavement, causing paralysis. Screech becomes something of a matinee idol, dating twins Heather and Erica Farrell simultaneously. Screech's cover is ultimately blown at a school dance, as Harem Scarem songs play in the background. Hilarity ensures as the twins collective douse Screech with equal portions of Cott soda.

Beverly Hills 90210

Joey, Wheels and Snake are completely thrown by the snooty faculty and student body of West Beverly High, and all three ultimately face some very serious challenges. Upon arrival, Joey becomes the shortest male student in the entire school and his pint-sized bravado is summarily ignored by Kelly Taylor et all. Only the dim-witted Donna Martin takes a liking to Joey, but purely in a plutonic fashion. Even David Silver scoffs at the notion of playing the Zit Remedy's demo tape on North America's most evolved high school radio station. Wheels is completely screwed and drops out of school after just a few months, focusing on fries and video games instead. To say that Wheels is jaded and upset would be an understatement. The next part of Wheels' story is too grim to discuss here. Let's just say it ends up on Hollywood Blvd and makes his encounter with the knee-squeezing pervert in Port Hope seem like a cakewalk. Snake actually fits in the best of the three. He finds success as a swingman on the basketball team and engages in a little May-September romance with the frumpy Andrea Zuckerman.

Reset: Seinfeld

What
The beloved "sitcom about nothing" is one of... wait a minute, can we discuss this for a sec? It always bothered me that Seinfeld will be known until the end of time as the sitcom about nothing. I think it became something of a self-perpetuating myth. Yes, some of the plots were a bit trite and granted, the nuances of the show were very unique when compared to something like Full House. But still--the show had plots, story archs, character development, etc. That is something. Not nothing. Anyway, it needs to be reset with modern day contemporaries.

Components
Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes
Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer
Jason Alexander as George Costanza
Wayne Knight as Newman
Larry David as George Steinbrenner
Heidi Swedberg as Susan Biddle Ross
Estelle Harris as Estelle Costanza
Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza
Liz Sheridan as Helen Seinfeld
Barney Martin as Morty Seinfeld
John O'Hurley as J. Peterman
Len Lesser as Uncle Leo
Patrick Warburton as David Puddy
Lee Bear as George Steinbrenner
Steve Hytner as Kenny Bania
Phil Morris as Jackie Chiles

Replacements Parts

Jerry Seinfeld => Adam Carolla as Adam Carolla
This is the role of a lifetime for "The Ace Man" .Physically, Carolla can do a passable Seinfeld impression, neither can really act and they're both very funny. Albeit in completely different ways. Will need to surround Carolla with a few familiar faces for comfort. Also, it will be necessary to adapt the name of the program to… wait for it... Carolla.
Also considered: Norm McDonald

Julia Louis-Dreyfus => Alanna Ubach as Elaine Benes
I'm not too familiar with this dame but I like the cut of her jib. I've heard her on Carolla's podcast a few times, she's kooky and sounds like she's got enough range to play the neurotic spinster that Elaine became. A hidden gem, perhaps. Good enough.

Michael Richards => John C. Reilly as Cosmo Kramer
Tall, goofy looking guy with curly hair who wouldn't look out of place falling over a couch.
Also considered: John Luguiziamo, Michael Keaton

Jason Alexander => Patton Oswalt as George Costanza
Oswalt will need to ratchet his energy level up several notches to pull this off. But I think this could be accomplished with some coaching and/or cocaine. Physically, it’s a total no brainer. He will be required to wear prop glasses.

Wayne Knight => Rob Couddry as Newman
Reliable funnyman Couddry will need to get a bit more smarmy, a bit more coy in this role. I have concerns that he’s too likable but when the alternative is a registered sex offender, lesser of two evils, I suppose.
Also considered: Jeffrey Jones

Larry David => Jim Florentine as Hank Steinbrenner
Carolla’s buddy from Crank Yankers finds work and puts his considerable vocal talents to the test. Oh, Boss George is actually dead so maybe we could swap in Hank as a ringer.
Also considered: Lewis Black

Heidi Swedberg => Bridget Fonda as Susan Biddle Ross
Susan was completely non-descript and essentially a Petri dish for George’s psychosis. So, the exceedingly bland stylings of the MIA Bridget Fonda work well here.
Also considered: Mira Sorvino

Estelle Harris => Bette Midler as Estelle Costanza
Jerry Stiller => Don Rickles as Frank Costanza
Producers will need to “bring the cheddar” to lure these two legends to the Carolla soundstage. But the three-way nuttiness between Oswalt, Midler and Rickles could be quite lovely.

Liz Sheridan => Blythe Danner as Kris Carolla
Barney Martin => Craig T. Nelson as "Pops" Carolla
I like this. Carolla doesn’t look anything like either of these two so it’s a bit of a stretch to imagine him having emerged from their loins. But there would be serious chemistry between Carolla and Nelson, over football, etc. Aging make-up may be required for the pair. 

John O'Hurley => Oliver Platt as J. Peterman
Is it just me or does Oliver Platt own… I mean, own every movie he appears in? Granted, I’ve only seen him in 2-3 roles. But doesn’t matter—the guy is very talented and could easily nail the part of a yappy catalogue tycoon. 

Len Lesser => Terry Bradshaw as Uncle Leo
Ugh. I’m not a fan of Bradshaw but it is my belief he could strike the right cadence when he delivers, “Helllooo, Adam” and whatnot. 

Patrick Warburton => Thomas Hayden Church as David Puddy
This is great. Both actors are lumbering and slightly Cro-Magnon. 

Steve Hytner => Hank Azaria as Kenny Bania
The versatile Azaria could play this role in his sleep. I have confidence in his abilities. Yes. 

Phil Morris => Isiah Whitlock Jr. as Jackie Chiles
Also considered: JB Smoove
He obviously won’t be able to say, “Sheeeeeeeett!!” on network TV. However, he could transpose his crooked state senator shtick from The Wire into a crooked lawyer shtick. Laughter will ensue.

Reset rating: 6/10
This is a bit of a mixed bag. I’m quite pleased with the four main characters and some of the other talent, namely Florentine, Fonda, Platt and Bania. Everybody else, I could probably be talked out of. It’s sacrilege to even suggest resetting something like Seinfeld. But as we say in the biz, “It’s a good start”.

Reset: The Travelling Wilburys

What

Rock and roll “supergroup” (not unlike Blind Faith, Asia or the Zack Attack), updated with musicians of similar styles, substances and/or clothing in the present day

Components

Bob Dylan

Tom Petty

George Harrison

Roy Orbison

Jeff Lynne

Replacement Parts

Bob Dylan => Bruce Springsteen

When legendary rock critic Jon Landau made his famous "I saw rock and roll's future and its name is Bruce Springsteen" proclamation back in 1974, it was likely with an eye to this achievement: a spot in a hypothetical recasting of a short lived supergroup(!!!) Bob and Bruce’s interiors and exteriors have inched closer over the past four decades. I think this works.

Tom Petty => Jack White

Not an obvious fit but Jack White does fill a lot of criteria in 2011 that Tom Petty did in 1988: widely known for a decade or so, enjoyed by “serious music fans” and broomheads alike, able to adapt to multiple styles, etc. Think about it.

George Harrison => Mark Knopfler

Harrison was always “the quiet one” while Knpofler has never been mistaken from Andrew WK on the mic stand. Neither would say much in panel interviews and were/are into causes. Good fit.

Also considered: Peter Buck

Roy Orbison => Willie Nelson

The dark horse of the Wilburys past and present. Strangely, Willie Nelson would’ve been an obvious ringer 20 years ago as well. Sadly, to truly fit the part, this “Red Headed Stranger” will have die shortly after the ink dries on the contract. Also, Nelson’s experience in the Highwaymen will be invaluable here.

Also considered: Waylon Jennings, Steve Earle

Jeff Lynne => Ric Ocasek

How did this schmuck get included on this All-Star Team? Anyway, this was a very tough decision. To be straight with you, I’d have much preferred a British musician in this role but nobody came to mind. So Boston-bred Ocasek got the call. I’m OK with this, though, because neither man is an obvious fit but pretty damn cool (contextually) in their own way. He produced Bad Brains AND Guided by Voices dammit!!

Reset Rating: 8/10

I like Springsteen, White, Knopfler and Nelson. Lynne is British while  Ocasek is not. This is troubling but their hair helps bridge the divide a bit.

Reset: The 1988 Los Angeles Dodgers

What
Arguably the least talented World Series winning MLB club of the past quarter century (ok, the 2006 Cardinals were pretty rank as well), this team needs to be relapsed with current day ballplayers so the kids (the kids!!!) can see how mediocre this squad was on paper.

Components
Mike Scioscia
Steve Sax
Alfredo Griffin
Kirk Gibson
Mike Marshall
Mickey Hatcher
Orel Hershiser
Tim Leary
Tim Belcher
John Tudor
Jay Howell

Replacement Parts

Mike Scioscia => Yadier Molina
I never understand what it means when announcers say, “He calls a good game.” I guess it’s about pitch selection but if you’ve got a Livan Hernandez-type on the mound, you’re pretty much screwed regardless of how well you know the arsenal. Both these guys “call a good game”, have “soft hands” and contribute little with the bat aside from a decent average. Notice how I dropped the air quotes on that last part.

Steve Sax => Brian Roberts
Roberts has more power than Sax ever had but otherwise, they’re both fast, kind of erratic fielders and popular with the ladies. I’ll be frank—I’d feel better about this comparison if Roberts were righthanded.
Also considered: Freddy Sanchez, Howie Kendrick

Alfredo Griffin => Cesar Izturis
A slightly racist parallel: fast talkin’, fleet-footed Latinos who were ace fielders, OK hitters for a time who quickly tapered off into next to nothingness. Solid. Nice people. But not World Series calibre.
Also considered: Erick Aybar

Kirk Gibson => Torii Hunter
Gibby’s homerun in the ’88 Series remained the stuff of legends but at most, he was a good (at times very good) player. But not really a superstar. Much like Hunter. Both brought intangibles to the plate (Gibson: ruggedness, Hunter: unmistakable likability) and probably brought more to their teams than the stat sheet would ever indicate.

Mike Marshall => Garrett Jones
Solid, unspectacular outfielders with decent power, OK batting averages and non-descript fielding. These guys neither hurt you nor helped you in the big picture. Infinitely replaceable, as Marshall was a season and a half later by Juan Samuel.

Mickey Hatcher => Melky Cabrera
This is tough because Hatcher came up huge replacing a hobbled Gibson in the ‘88 Series but was effectively a role player for the bulk of his 12 season. He had no power or speed but was always good for a strong average and trotting his wacky oversized glove out for baseball card photo shoots (check http://www.hardballtimes.com/images/uploads/Hatcher.jpg for a sample; this was sheer hilarity by late-Eighties standards). There really isn’t a modern equivalent to Hatcher as I don’t think such a beast would survive in modern day MLB. The perpetually mundane Melky is as good as any.

Orel Hershiser => Roy Halladay
Two classy Caucasian hurlers with pinpoint control and bulldog attitudes. Also, a pair of dorks.

Tim Leary => Carl Pavano
Leary was the proverbial “one season wonder”. Pavano wasn’t and isn’t… but is also insanely inconsistent and injury prone. Not an ideal comparison. Hoping somebody can come up with something better.

Tim Belcher => John Lackey
I like this trade-off. Big, hard throwing hurlers. Solid #3 starters who struck out a bunch of hitters and occasionally flirted with #1 or #2. Um, yeah.
Also considered: Josh Beckett, Kevin Millwood

John Tudor => Chris Carpenter
I have a total “man crush” on John Tudor, one of the most dominant pitchers of the Eighties… when healthy. It’s a lofty comparison to a former Cy Young winner like Carpenter and yet they were both “good good double good” when not battling arm ailments. Check out Tudor’s 1985 season for the Cardinals: 21 wins, 1.93 ERA, 14 complete games, 10 shutouts. Easily one of the Top 5 starting pitcher seasons of his decade.

Jay Howell => Huston Street
Two atypical closers who didn’t rely on menacing beards or overpowering stuff to baffle hitters. If Keith Foulke were still active, he’d sooooo be getting the call, man. In lieu, let’s go with the Rockies’ stopper.
Also considered: Brandon Lyon

Reset Rating: 6.5/10
Confession: This team doesn’t look too, too bad on paper. The line-up would be a travesty but the pitching staff could be one that Brian Wilson might refer to as “delicious”, especially considering the bullpen would also feature modern day equivalents of fine middle relievers such as Jesse Orosco and Alejandro Pena. I’m not loving the Sax, Hatcher or Leary comps so taking this ladder down a few rungs.

Reset: Pulp Fiction

What

This stylized crime/comedy/snuff flick is perhaps the defining film of the Nineties and spawn a slew of awful imitations from its polyped loins. While still iconic is every sense of this overused adjective, I caught a bit of it on cable recently and sadly, it’s starting to show its age. Best to hit the reset button now in time for its 20 year anniversary before the liver spots emerge, recast with modern day actors in each of the key roles.

Components

John Travolta as Vincent Vega

Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield

Uma Thurman as Mia Wallace

Bruce Willis as Butch Coolidge

Maria de Medeiros as Fabienne

Harvey Keitel as Winston 'The Wolf' Wolfe

Ving Rhames as Marsellus Wallace

Tim Roth as Pumpkin / Ringo

Amanda Plummer as Honey Bunny / Yolanda

Eric Stoltz as Lance

Rosanna Arquette as Jody

Peter Greene as Zed

Phil LaMarr as Marvin

Christopher Walken as Captain Koons

Replacement Parts

John Travolta => Nicolas Cage as Vincent Vega

Cage’s career is a bit of a WTF at the moment but remember, Travolta also had blood on his hands when casted in the original, having just come off the Look Who’s Talking trilogy (underrated BTW). It’s a bold move since Cage is nutty at the best of time. But one that makes sense on paper.
Also considered: Vince Vaughn

Samuel L. Jackson => Idris Elba as Jules Winnfield

The biggest challenge to pulling this off is whether the one time Stringer Bell can summon his own personal “fire and brimstone” to deliver a shouty badass performance. Plus will a bad wig be enough to conceal Elba’s undeniable “sexy”?!?

Uma Thurman => Scarlett Johansson as Mia Wallace

This was the hardest role to recast. Needed somebody with acting chops, a uniquely ambiguous sexuality who could deliver lines in deadpan and not seem out-of-place snorting up some coke. Nobody came to mind so went with Johansson, who could at least fill all the criteria in part plus bring some added star power to the project.

Also considered: Lindsay Lohan, Natalie Portman

Bruce Willis => Robert Downey Jr as Butch Coolidge

This is great. Downey could channel his own personal demons and do wonders with that ball gag.

Also considered: Hugh Jackman

Maria de Medeiros => Audrey Tautou as Fabienne

Whatever. Only by virtue of the fact they’re both French.

Harvey Keitel => John Malkovich as Winston 'The Wolf' Wolfe

This is interesting. Malkovich would have to ratchet things down a few notches. But the dude’s got range and I think he’d bring his A Game

Also considered: Chris Cooper

Ving Rhames => Vin Diesel as Marsellus Wallace

I’ve never seen a Vin Diesel movie but I’ve heard his acting… leaves a lot to be desired. That’s OK because if he can deliver a few lines, grunt a lot and look menacing, he could pull this off. The ultimate “friendship” between Diesel and Downey would be compelling, no doubt.

Also considered: The Rock

Tim Roth => Cillian Murphy as Pumpkin / Ringo

Amanda Plummer => Kelly Macdonald as Honey Bunny / Yolanda

Struggling here. I really want Cillian Murphy in this role but I also want… no, I need Tracey Ullman in the role of his girlfriend. I mean, that crazy broad practically WAS Tracey Ullman when she spat out the “… You fuckin’ pigs!!” line.  Considered slotting in a pair of Trainspotting alumni to even out the age thing. I will do this under duress, since Murphy (circa 2011) and Roth (circa 1994) are sorta contemporaries, age-wise, and a modern day Ullman is a bit long in the tooth. Time to sub in Renton’s jailbate in lieu.

Also considered: Robert Carlyle, Tracey Ullman

Eric Stoltz => Dave Foley as Lance

A bit of CanCon.

Also considered: Marc Maron, Andy Dick

Rosanna Arquette => Illeana Douglas as Jody

I kinda thought this was Illeana Douglas (i.e. George Costanza’s really orange “revenge” girlfriend from Seinfeld) in this role. So she’s clearly perfect.

Peter Greene => William Fichtner as Zed

I only remembered Zed by name. So when I looked him up on IMDB, he looked a bit like this character actor whose name I didn’t know. Compelling stuff!

Phil LaMarr => Marlon Wayans as Phil

Considering he primarily is here to get his skull imploded, Marlon Wayans is as good as anybody and did a nice job in Requiem for a Dream.

Also considered: RZA

Christopher Walken => Alec Baldwin as Captain Koons

This is such a Baldwin role. He’d nail it and come off completely smarmy in doing so. Plus he’d be a good bookend for the credits… “…. and Alec Baldwin”.

Reset Rating: 8.5/10

This is a strong reset. You have big name talent (Downey, Johanssen, Baldwin), interesting comeback candidates (Cage, Diesel) and hipster/indie cinema faves (Elba, Douglas). Plus it’d drive Tarantino purists and aging hipsters insane.