Reset: The Police Academy franchise

It looks like they've mothballed the reported remake of Drop Dead Fred (DDF) starring Russell Brand (no news since this initial 2009 report). But whether this gets rebooted or not, it's a prime example of Hollywood CONSIDERING a remake of a movie that clearly doesn't need to get remade. The original did little at the box office, wasn't well reviewed and probably isn't even remembered by 95% of the movie-going public. And yet somewhere, in some SoCal backlot, it was contemplated that DDF 2.0 needed to "get got". This is clearly an industry that is completely out of ideas at times and I will strike your face if you suggest this would merely be a chance to get DDF "right" this time around.

A lot of movies exist in the cultural vacuum of their time and would seem trite, mundane, plodding or irrelevant if modernized (the discussed remake of The Crow comes to mind). Comedy might be the ultimate genre to fall victim to this theory, since a lot of film humour demands context. To be considered funny on a wide scale, a film (or comedy, in general) relies on the viewer to make certain concessions to the period when the film was made, in terms of pacing, costume, cinematography, etc. Even humour that is somewhat timeless (i.e. not topical) can seem really dated based on factors outside the material itself. For example, it's hard not to focus on Jerry Seinfeld's feathered locks even though his inane "observations" are as funny and poignant in 2011 as they were in 1985.

OK, clearly what I'm trying to get at here is a passionate discussion of a theoretical Police Academy franchise reboot. Loose math.

Honestly, I'm surprised this hasn't happened yet (update???) since (A) Police Academy was required viewing for all children born in the 1970s and (B) a lot of key Hollywood decision makers fall within this bracket. Yes, the humour was a little blue, a little tasteless but what 8-year old didn't ROFL when Hooks pulled out her considerable piece and uttered, "Don't move, dirtbag!!!" In retrospect, I'm not sure why this is even funny, especially considering that it was so predictable since she did this in the final 10 minutes of each installment. And yet goddamit, this might've been the most often repeated movie for 7-8 years olds between the years 1985 and 1988. It spoke to us.

But revisit the second paragraph and gauge whether any of this is still funny. I'm on the fence.

Notable for the impressive view count and the fact the young man looks like Wheels

I don't really get why this is funny at all. Also, the music is uplifting and the actor who played Tackleberry is dead.

The animated version, featuring a theme by the underrated Fat Boys.

Akademie 3

Here is a rundown of casting for the franchise reboot, featuring new players in key roles:

Steve Guttenberg => Paul Rudd as Cadet Carey Mahoney
Kim Cattrall, Collen Camp, Janet Jones and others => Elisa Cuthbert as token blonde officer/love interest
Bubba Smith => John Salley as Cadet Moses Hightower
Michael Winslow => David Alan Grier as Cadet Larvell Jones
David Graf => Patrick Warburton as Cadet Eugene Tackleberry
Bruce Mahler => Ed Helms as Cadet Douglas Fackler
Marion Ramsey => Frangela as Cadet Laverne Hooks + 1 twin sister (a rare 1-for-2 fakeout)
G. W. Bailey => Lewis Black as Lt. Thaddeus Harris
Lance Kinsey => TJ Miller as Sgt. Proctor
George Gaynes => Ted Danson as Cmndt. Eric Lassard
Howard Hesseman => John Lithgow as Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard
Tim Kazurinsky => Jeffrey Asch as Cadet Sweetchuck
Brian Tochi => Bobby Lee as Cadet Tomoko Nogata
Bobcat Goldthwait => Andy Dick as Cadet Zed

Bye.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (The Wire edition)

The second in a series of indeterminate length, The Reset Button applies Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to the popular HBO social drama, The Wire. At each level, a Wire character is chosen that best represents the needs and aspirations of that level.

Also, to reiterate, the Hierarchy of Needs is easily one of the Top Five worst triangles ever. So played, dawg. And something only used by first year university students trying to grasp at "depth". Not unlike thumbtacked prints of "The Kiss" or Portishead CDs. Or talking about The Wire.

Source: http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm

Physiological Needs: These include the most basic needs that are vital to survival, such as the need for water, air, food and sleep. Maslow believed that these needs are the most basic and instinctive needs in the hierarchy because all needs become secondary until these physiological needs are met.

Security Needs: These include needs for safety and security. Security needs are important for survival, but they are not as demanding as the physiological needs. Examples of security needs include a desire for steady employment, health insurance, safe neighborhoods and shelter from the environment.

Social Needs: These include needs for belonging, love and affection. Maslow considered these needs to be less basic than physiological and security needs. Relationships such as friendships, romantic attachments and families help fulfill this need for companionship and acceptance, as does involvement in social, community or religious groups.

Esteem Needs: After the first three needs have been satisfied, esteem needs becomes increasingly important. These include the need for things that reflect on self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition and accomplishment.

Self-actualizing Needs: This is the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Self-actualizing people are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling their potential.

Physiological => Bodie
Once a solider, always a solder. If Bodie was any indication. Even when this "young'un" was named the Barksdale crew chief in Season Four, it was purely by default since most of his contemporaries were either dead or in prison. Time and again, Bodie was unable (or perhaps, unwilling) to rise above a purely Physiological existence, in spite of obvious "street smarts" and developing relationships with law men Ellis Carver, Thomas "Herc" Hauk and eventually, Jimmy McNulty. He was merely a doer and whenever he found himself in a more amped-up role, poor judgement kicked him in the fanny, often fuelled by petty relationships squabbles and a short fuse. His demise, a swift and brutal shot to the head from Michael Lee, was a fitting end to a life entirely cuffed to the street.
Also considered: Dukie, Bubbles, Ziggy Sobotka

Security => Chris Partlow
Chris Partlow was a cold, heartless murderer but so effin' cerebral in the way he filled that role, it was hard not to like the guy. One could argue that Partlow's handiwork was the single biggest factor in Marlo Stanfield's rise to top of the West Baltimore drug game as Partlow excelled both at protecting existing turf and leading conquests onto new corners. In short, he WAS safety. He WAS security. And his mentoring of young Michael was a rare glimpse into Partlow extending his talents beyond shooting haters in the face.
Also considered: Dennis "Cutty" Wise, Frank Sobotka, Bunk Moreland













Love/Belonging => D'Angelo Barksdale
Arguably the most conflicted character in The Wire's five year run and a case study in the challenges that all middle managers face. D'Angelo's role was an unfortunate mixture of cat herding and keeping his Uncle Avon and Mommy Brianna satisfied. D'Angelo showed a lot of humanity, in part through interactions with his young son and in part because actor Larry Gilliard has a naturally sad looking face (it's true). No doubt, D'Angelo felt some degree of belonging, love and affection from within the Barksdale crew but considering his life ended slumped over in "the clink" with a belt around his neck, it'd be tough to argue that D'Angelo ever truly found the full attachment he was looking for.
Also considered: Kima Greggs, Omar Little, Michael Lee

Esteem => Ellis Carver
A late bloomer, Ellis Carver matured from a rough n' tumble goofball in early seasons to a poised, polished Sergeant in Charge by Season Five. The distancing between Carver and his ol' running buddy Herc was an underrated subplot that enjoyed an engaging slowburn as the series progressed. And by the end, Carver began to achieve various Esteem needs by displaying a surprisingly degree of integrity that was sorely lacking in most other Wire characters. This was a quality, complex character--I'd argue that the impassioned manifesto he unleashed atop the cop car to kick-off Season Three was the death of old Carver and the birth of new Carver, aided by several visits to Hamsterdam that led to many WTF stares of bemusement.
Also considered: Avon Barksdale, Rhonda Pearlman, Clay Davis













Self-actualization => Marlo Stanfield
There were "good guy" options and "bad guy" options plus several shades of grey. But in the end, no Wire character best exemplified Self-actualization the way Marlo Stanfield did. From his first appearance in Season Three, Stanfield's one goal was to seize West Baltimore from the Barksdale crew and he did so fairly easily in retrospect. Stanfield achieved his goal (and to sound like a complete blowhard, "his destiny") by being 100% self-aware of what he was: a calculated mercenary who never allowed emotions or feelings or empathy to impact his ambition. Stanfield soldiers kicked a ton of fanny during their takeover and if his blaise facial expressions were any indications, there was zero remorse or hesitation from Stanfield. "... some place to be" indeed.
Also considered: Cedric Daniels, Tommy Carcetti, Stringer Bell

Reset: Technology Kills Seinfeld Dead

Um. Um. This is a list of 16 episodes of Seinfeld that would no longer be feasible because of recent technological advances.

Please credit Wikipedia for all plot summaries.

The Phone Message (Season Two, Episode Four)

Original Version: George becomes concerned when his girlfriend, Carol, doesn't return his calls. He loses his temper and leaves a series of angry messages on her machine. Later, he discovers that she was out of town. Before she can hear the messages, he and Jerry plan to go into her apartment and switch the tape on her answering machine. George and Jerry manage to intercept Carol at her apartment and switch the tape. George later learns that she had already heard the messages and found them funny, adding that she "loves jokes like that".

2011 Version: These messages would go straight to a voicemail service. George would be totally S.O.L. as he wouldn't be able to switch the tapes. Since there wouldn't be any tapes to switch.

The Baby Shower (Season Two, Episode Ten)

Original Version: Elaine holds a baby shower for a friend at Jerry's apartment. George is excited, because he finds the baby shower to be the perfect opportunity to "tell off" the woman who gave him "unequivocally, the worst date of [his] life" by pouring Bosco chocolate sauce on his red sweater. However, he cannot muster the courage to do so. Meanwhile, Kramer convinces Jerry to pirate cable television to watch the Mets home games. When the Russian cable providers show up, they ruin the shower.

2011 Version: A guess... the complexities of modern cable providers would prevent two Russian heavies from being able to  complete such an installation. Also, chances are, the Mets' home games would be reasonably available by conventional means. And lastly, it's hard to imagine anybody going to such lengths to watch the Mets in the first place.

The Truth (Season Three, Episode Two)

Original Version: George tells his girlfriend the truth about why he ended their relationship; as a result, she checks herself into the Woodhaven mental institution. Jerry is very upset at this because he is being audited by the IRS and George's girlfriend, an accountant, was supposed to help him out. To make things worse, she has all of his tax papers and Jerry needs them back desperately. It was Kramer who had gotten Jerry into trouble by forcing him to contribute to a fake volcano relief fund. Kramer is also dating Elaine's roommate, Tina, and Elaine complains about the loud tribal music and sexual noises in her apartment. Kramer also walks into Elaine's room and sees her naked.

2011 Version: Two things. Firstly, Jerry would likely have soft copies of all his papers. Secondly, it would be very easy for Jerry to verify the legitimacy of this fake volcano relief funds (Note: Am I the only one who doesn't remember this sub-plot?).

The Parking Garage (Season Three, Episode Six)

Original Version: The cast is in search of Kramer's car in the multi-level parking garage of a shopping mall after Kramer purchases an air conditioner. Unfortunately, no one can remember where the car was parked. Jerry is eager to urinate and goes in a dark corner. After Jerry does so, he is spotted by an officer and is held in the officer's booth. Later, George is also caught in the act of urinating. Both Jerry and George are fined and released. Then by luck, the gang finds Kramer's car but unfortunately, Kramer, who has the car keys, is still lost somewhere in the garage. Hours later, Kramer shows up, having gone on his own hunt for the air conditioner. As they all enter the car, the engine fails to start.

2011 Version: The gang would use their smartphones to call (or more likely, text each other) and rectify this in short order. I get that parking garages may inhibit certain providers. But even if they had to step outside for a moment, this wouldn't have been such an extreme scenario. Truth: this episode and its 2011 irrelevancy was the inspiration behind this entire post.

The Cafe (Season Three, Episode Seven)

Original Version: Jerry becomes fascinated by an unsuccessful restaurant and gives the owner some friendly advice. George's girlfriend wants him to take an IQ test for an education course she is doing; worried that he will score badly, he persuades Elaine to take it for him instead. Jerry suggests that she take the test at the deserted Dream Café because she "won't hear a peep" there -- but they reckon without Kramer's distracting presence. Elaine retakes the test in Jerry's apartment, but another collision with Kramer prevents her from returning it on time. Meanwhile, the Dream Café remains empty.

2011 Version: The modern version of this test would likely be computer-based and therefore, might have some security measures in place to prevent cheating.

The Alternate Side (Season Three, Episode 11)

Original Version: Jerry's car is stolen and he has a conversation with the car-jacker on the car phone. George takes a job moving cars from one side of the street to the other, to comply with alternate side parking regulations, and does a very careless job by crashing cars and causing traffic jams. Elaine cares for her 66-year-old boyfriend who has had a stroke just before she was about to break up with him. Kramer gets a line in a Woody Allen film, popularizing the expression, "These pretzels are making me thirsty!" He accidentally injures Woody Allen during the shooting and gets fired from the set.

2011 Version: Car phones don't exist any more, do they?

The Movie (Season Four, Episode 14)

Original Version: The four main characters continually miss each other as they try to attend a film together.

2011 Version: Again, mobile phones would render this a non-issue.

The Big Salad (Season Six, Episode Two)

Original Version: Elaine must find a special mechanical pencil for her new boss and soon finds herself dealing with the romantic advances of a stationary store clerk. George purchase a "big salad" for Elaine, but his girlfriend appears to take credit for the purchase. Jerry learns that his current girlfriend formerly dated Newman, who ended the relationship. Kramer plays golf with an ex-Major League Baseballer, whose rules violations Kramer notes, giving rise to a fight. The man is later suspected in the murder of a dry cleaner, and Kramer helps the fan flee in a white Ford Bronco in a situation similar to that of O.J. Simpson.

2011 Version: Elaine would easily be able to order this "special" mechanical pencil online, thus avoiding the need to interact with the creepy stationary store clerk.

The Couch (Season Six, Episode Five)

Original Version: Elaine begins to date the guy who delivers Jerry's new couch. Kramer plans to start a pizza business with Poppie. George joins a book club, but tries to rent the movie. Jerry and Elaine's discussion of the abortion issue causes trouble for Poppie, Elaine's relationship & Jerry's new couch. George spends the evening with the family that has rented the film, with less than spectacular results.

2011 Version: For a catalogue title such as "Breakfast at Tiffany's", George could have resorted to Netflix or scronged around for a digital version online.

The Secretary (Season Six, Episode Nine)

Original Version: Jerry confronts his dry cleaner. George passes over hiring an attractive secretary for a less attractive one. Kramer gets Uma Thurman's phone number. Elaine tries to buy a dress, but is unsatisfied with the size of the mirrors in the store.

2011 Version: Kramer puts Uma Thurman's number directly into his iPhone. If only to "humblebrag".

The Wink (Season Seven, Episode Four)

Original Version: Elaine dates the man from her wake-up service. A bit of grapefruit pulp, from Jerry's breakfast, gets into George's eye and causes problems for him when his winks keep getting misinterpreted. Jerry's healthy diet conflicts with his dating of Elaine's cousin. Kramer promises a sick boy that Yankee Paul O'Neill will hit two home runs for him, so he can get back a birthday card that he sold based on George's wink.

2011 Version: It is highly unlikely that anybody would use a home wake-up service in 2011. In fact, it seemed highly unlikely in 1995.

The Package (Season Eight, Episde Five)

Original Version: George finds out that the woman at a photo store is looking at his pictures. He tries to impress her by getting Kramer to take seductive pictures of him. Jerry refuses delivery of a package with no return address. Elaine tries to retrieve her medical records when she begins having problems with her doctor due to her attitude.

2011 Version: Most of this process would be handled digitally. Therefore, it's unlikely the interaction between George and the photo store employee would take place within the original context laid out.

The Little Jerry (Season Eight, Episode 11)

Original Version: Kramer gets a pet rooster he names "Little Jerry Seinfeld". George visits a woman's prison where he does not see what he had expected. Elaine discovers her boyfriend once had a full head of hair and convinces him to grow it back. A store owner exposes Jerry's bad check currently on display which raises much discussion.

2011 Version: People very seldom write cheques at retail anymore. Especially at such low level establishments such as the bodega in this episode.

The Millennium (Season Eight, Episode 20)

Original Version: Kramer makes plans for New Year's 2000 and wonders what the future may be like. Elaine gets bad service at a store and begins shopping at a similar store. Jerry learns he is on his girlfriend's speed dial.

2011 Version: "Speed dial" isn't really a thing anymore. Also, 2000 has come and gone.

The Wizard (Season Nine, Episode 15)

Original Version: Jerry gives his father an electric organizing system for his birthday. Jerry and George debate about the race of Elaine's new boyfriend which triggers her curiosity. Kramer plans on running for president of Morty and Helen's condo association. George lies to the Rosses about owning a house in the Hamptons.

2011 Version: Smartphones have effectively rendered electric organizing systems obsolete.

The Maid (Season Nine, Episode 19)

Original Version: Jerry hires a maid who he then starts sleeping with. Elaine discovers she has 57 messages on her answering machine when Kramer's food-order service tries to fax her. George tries to get a nickname but a co-worker gets the one he chose instead.

2011 Version: It is safe to assume that fax-based food menu services don't exist any more.

Special Report: Canadian Musical Copycats 2.0

For an explanation to how this “game” works (… and remember, LIFE is a game), read here.

Two. Point. Oh. Regulators!!!!

Images in Vogue – Canada’s answer to the Psychedelic Furs
There are probably a dozen other UK outfits that you could sub in for the Furs—Ultravox might be a good alternative. And yet whatever the causality, the early Images in Vogue singles seemed to be written by template, taking cues (and liberties) from the British New Wave of the age and ensuring that every last key and every last ounce of melodrama aligned perfectly with whatever was spilling out of the Motherland. “Lust for Love” especially sounds like the finest Furs’ song never recorded and when you contemplate Richard Butler’s love of aping David Bowie, you can establish a very nice continuum twice removed.

Alfie Zappacosta – Canada’s answer to Steve Perry
The Eighties were a good… no, a great time for homely looking dudes who were brimming with confidence and weren’t afraid to grow out their hair into a nasty poof of flaxen locks. Ex-Journey singer Steve Perry was one. Toronto’s Alfie Zappacosta was another. And by another, I mean another Steve Perry. “We Should Be Lovers” has to be in the Top Five of videos where the song is completely inconsistent with the visuals. The clip features a Jello wrestling motif and our hero making out with some androgynous lady (guy?) wearing a modified do rag and puffing away on a cigarette holder. It’s pretty dire. Also, pervy move by Alfie, sniffing that girl's shirt.

Candi and the Backbeat – Canada’s answer to Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
This… I mean, this was SOOOO blatant. And if the aesthetic similarity between these bands weren’t obvious enough (see image above), Candi and friends released a song called “Under the Latin Moon” as their first track, maybe in efforts to deflect the epicentre of offensive, vaguely-Latino Top 40 from Miami to Toronto. It didn’t work. Unrelated, the Candi drunk driving PSA, featuring a stiff flatlining, was tremendous and completely ineffective.  I mean, why would anybody take this sobering advice from somebody who didn’t even have a last name?!?

Tom Cochrane – Canada’s answer to John Cougar Mellencamp
This suggestion is bound to miff Red Rider completists. And I’m OK with that. Slowly but surely, Tom Cochrane (TC) morphed from a pig-faced, Floyd-acknowledging rocker into a gruff, rootsy rocker, along the lines of John Cougar Mellencamp (JCM). TC’s metamorphosis was complete when he wore a tassled suede jacket in the “Life is a Highway” video.

Jr Gone Wild – Canada’s answer to The Replacements
The career arcs of Edmonton’s Jr Gone Wild and Minnesota’s Replacements are startlingly similar...
* Phase I: Thrash bands who played a lot of hardcore punk rock shows even though neither outfit were truly a hardcore punk rock band
* Phase II: College rock bands that refined their original sound and created music that was catchy enough to attract the ears of Co-eds but gritty  enough to distance itself from anything on commercial radio
* Phase III:  AAA-type bands in their golden years. The Replacements imploded amid personality conflicts with Nirvana borrowing from the band’s image (and getting paid for it). Jr Gone Wild poured on the country towards the end with Wilco borrowing from the band’s image (and getting paid for it). 

Mystery Machine – Canada’s answer to Sunny Day Real Estate
Yeah. Lots of expressive guitars. Wordy vocals. Northwestern roots. Solid but kind of forgettable bands overall. Although there is a small core of individuals (I know at least two) who suggest that Mystery Machine were the premiere Canadian band of the Nineties. “Wake Up Pill” was a strong track. 

Sum 41 – Canada’s answer to blink-182
The naming convention alone makes this a no brainer, since Sum 41 blew up in the wake of blink-182’s popular “mall punk” sound. In comparison, Sum 41 seemed more bratty and honestly, blink-182 had some serious songwriting chops if you ask me. “Adam’s Song” was kind of awesome.

The Salads – Canada’s answer to 311
The strange thing about the Salads is that they were essentially a dead ringer for 311 and yet showed up several years after 311 had already crested commercially. I supposed loud frat boy party tunes never really go out of style (at least amongst loud frat boys) but this positioning seemed way to obvious, even in the moment. We’re not dealing with the most refined pallet here but still…. BTW, The Salads is an awful band name. Without checking, I assume they call themselves The Salads because they blend lots of musical styles together, much like a salad blends lots of vegetables together. Not good.

Alice Glass – Canada’s answer to Karen O
This is a study of where the artists align in a physical sense, if not a sonic sense. As an observer, it would seem that Alice Glass from Toronto’s Crystal Castles took more than a bit of inspiration from Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. And it’s quite possible considering (A) the Castles broke 4-5 years after the YYYs did and (B) their hair is similar. Other similarities include leather, heavy eye shadow, Converse sneakers, a penchant for jumping into crowds (and flailing about once there) and deadpan expressions. Interestingly, the Crystal Castles and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs have actually inched closer to one another soundwise too, especially since the last Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ full-length, It’s Blitz!, was bathed in kind of aggressive electronics that the Castles specialize in.

Jully Black “Seven Day Fool” – Canada’s answer to Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black
From what I know about Jully Black, she seems like a pretty cool chick. She doesn’t take herself too seriously. She seems to put a lot of heart into what she does. But holy hell—Black releasing “Seven Day Fool” mere months after Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black album blew up was clearly the work of somebody trying to "make bank" on a trend. “Seven Day Fool” was incongruent with anything that Black had released prior… and pretty congruent with about half the tracks on Back to Black. The video didn’t help. It’s hard to judge the song on its own merits since it was birthed in the shadow of something that was entirely fresh at the time and yet in its own way, completely regressive (in some ways) to Sixties’ girl groups, early Eighties’ ska and a bunch of other styles. It is messy analogy but one based on ton of evidence.

Special Report: Toronto: War of the Wards

The concept is a MAJOR motion picture about the Toronto City Council circa 2011.

Working title => Toronto: War of the Wards

The movie would be a “dramedy” and feature plenty of mean spirited political humour, just a sprinkle of misogyny and a few key shots of the sun coming up over Nathan Phillips Square.  The ensemble cast would be divided between “The Insiders” (current Council members) and “The Outsiders” (various non-Council influencers). For the sake of continuity, there would be 10 of each.

In a pivotal scene, fake Rob Ford would engage in fisticuffs with an angry cluster from the Toronto Cyclists Union. The action cumulates with fake Rob hurling a 10 speed in their general direction, quipping, “Speak only when spoke-n, too.”

Riveting.

Another primary objective of the film would be to intertwine generations of Toronto civic leaders. This is largely a device to get fake Mel Lastman some screen time.

The Cast

The Insiders: Nobody REALLY knows what goes on inside of Toronto’s city council. …. Actually, yes they do--here is a full archive of meetings and minutes. Anyway, let’s not kid ourselves—the Council is a combative, combustible clash of egos and things always get blustery with mayor Rob Ford at the eye of the tornado. Best sit back, hold on tight and (try to) enjoy the ride.

1. Adam Vaughan => Adam Clayton (in a rare acting role)
2. Denzil Minnan-Wong => Fred Armisen
3. Doug Ford => Eric Stonestreet
4. Frances Nunziata => Joan Baez (I repeat, in a rare acting role)
5. Giorgio Mammoliti => Joe Rogan
6. Gord Perks => Gary Sinese
7. Karen Stintz => Maria Bello
8. Mary Fragedakis => Sofia Milos
9. Mike Layton => Topher Grace
10. Rob Ford => Philip Seymour Hoffman

The Outsiders:  A seasonal blend of chair people, critics and ex-heavyweights, each Outsider stirs the pot in his or her own unique way. And when they say “too many cooks spoil the broth”, picture one of these ne’er-do-wells in traditional kitchen whites.

1. Adam Giambrone => Wil Wheaton
2. Barbara Hall => Janis Ian (I repeat, in a rare acting role)
3. Bill Blair => Christopher Walken
4. Bob Kinnear => Stephen Baldwin
5. David Miller => John Slattery
6. George Smitherman => Larry Miller
7. Joe Pantalone => Tony Sirico
8. Mel Lastman => Billy Crystal
9. Paul Godfrey => Harvey Keitel
10. Stephen Ledrew => Stanley Tucci

Reset: The Pavement Song Book

Blame R.E.M.

... for effectively making it OK (and even expected) to invent song titles that have absolutely nothing to do with the lyrics, melody or subject matter of the song in question. They exhibited it here. And later on here. And even here. In fairness, they picked their spots and yes, it gave R.E.M. a certain mystique that was hard to penetrate in the pre-Internet age. 1986. Etc.

Later on, some outfits took this model to an extreme whereby they not only assigned song titles that confused listeners; in some instances, they were grammaticalyl incorrect... or weren't even words(!!!) See Aphex Twin.

It's neither a good thing or a bad thing. It's just a thing. And nobody glommed on to this "thing" to the extent that Pavement did. Especially early in their career, Stephen Malkmus and friends took great delight at confusing listeners with noisy noise rock that was strangely tuneful and yet completely obscured behind obtuse song titles and scribbly album art. The band ultimatey parlayed this willful obscurity into becoming one of the most critically lauded outfits of the last quarter century. Somehow in spite of their efforts. Not because of them. They were/are special.

Here is a look at what their discography may have looked like if they "played it straight" when naming their songs. Perhaps they would've become R.E.M. if they weren't born difficult.

Revised titles in bold type.

Slay Tracks (1933–1969) EP (1989)
1. You're Killing Me
2. Box Elder
3. Maybe Maybe
4. She Believes
5. Price Yeah!

Demolition Plot J-7 EP (1990)
1. Forklift
2. You Shouldn't Hate Your Body ('cause It's Part of You) - formerly Spizzle Trunk
3. Recorder Grot
4. Internal K-Dart
5. I Wasted - formerly Perfect Depth
6. Recorder Grot (Rally)

Perfect Sound Forever EP (1991)
1. Heckler Spray
2. From Now On
3. Ask Me - formerly Angel Carver Blues/Mellow Jazz Docent
4. Drive by Fader
5. Debris Slide
6. Pull My Lips Band and Watch Me Smile - formerly Home
7. Krell Vid-User

Slanted and Enchanted (1992)
1. Summer Babe (Winter Version)  
2. Trigger Cut/Wounded Kite at :17
3. No Life Singed Her
4. What I Want - formerly In the Mouth A Desert
5. I'm Tryin', I'm Tryin' - formerly Conduit For Sale!    
6. Zürich Is Stained
7. Bogged Down - formerly Chesley's Little Wrists
8. Loretta's Scars
9. Here
10. Two States
11. Radio Active - formerly Perfume-V
12. Fame Throwa
13. One Holy Life - formerly Jackals, False Grails: The Lonesome Era
14. It Never Comes - formerly Our Singer

Watery Domestic EP (1992)
1. A Texas Mile - formerly Texas Never Whispers 
2. So Much Style - formerly Frontwards 
3. Two Colors - formerly Feed Them To The Lions (Linden) 
4. Don't Expect - formerly Shoot The Singer (1 Sick Verse) 

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain (1994)
1. Silence Kit   
2. Why You're Complaining - formerly Elevate Me Later
3. Stop Breathin'
4. Cut Your Hair
5. Brand New Era - formerly Newark Wilder
6. (Let's Burn the) Hills of Beverly - formerly Unfair   
7. Gold Soundz
8. 5-4=Unity
9. Range Life
10. Heaven Is a Truck
11. Hit the Plane Down
12. I Need to Sleep - formerly Fillmore Jive

Wowee Zowee (1995)
1. We Dance
2. Rattled By The Rush
3. No One Has a Clue - formerly Black Out
4. We Got The Money - formerly Brinx Job
5. Dying on These Streets - formerly Grounded  
6. Serpentine Pad
7. Let Me Be - formerly Motion Suggests
8. Angel of Corpus Cristi - formerly Father To A Sister Of Thought
9. Extradition  
10. Best Friends Arm
11. Grave Architecture
12. Room Service Calls - formerly AT&T  
13. Let You - formerly Flux = Rad
14. Fight This Generation
15. Why Didn't I Ask? - formerly Kennel District
16. You Don't Move - formerly Pueblo
17. Dream About the Witch Trials - formerly Half A Canyon
18. Western Homes

Brighten the Corners (1997)   
1. Stereo  
2. Shady Lane  
3. Transport Is Arranged  
4. Magic Lands - formerly Date with IKEA  
5. Old To Begin  
6. Type Slowly  
7. Embassy Row  
8. Luster - formerly Blue Hawaiian  
9. We Are Underused  
10. Passat Dream  
11. Starlings Of The Slipstream  
12. Prison Architects - formerly Fin  

Terror Twlight (1999)
1. Spit On A Stranger
2. Pardon My Birth (I Just Slipped Out) - formerly Folk Jam  
3. You Are A Light
4. One Way Track - formerly Cream Of Gold
5. Major Leagues
6. Serengeti Nightmare - formerly Platform Blues
7. Ann Don't Cry
8. Billie 
9. Speak, See, Remember
10. The Hexx
11. ...And Carrot Rope

Reset: Major League Baseball Hall of Fame 2.0

Major League Baseball is tremendous but the way it's marketed is horrible.

Easily the most conservative of the four major team sports, MLB has always relied on tradition and the depiction of “the grand old game” to draw fans in. But seriously, with each generation subjected to warbly mono renditions of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” and an intense policing of any official game footage on YouTube (to name but two offenses), MLB risks losing a nation of young people if it doesn’t change its ole time-y ways soon.

A positive first step could be hitting the Reset Button on the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s a fine spot to spend a summer’s afternoon. But it’d be a big step symbolically if MLB would forgo any future Cooperstown inductions and in lieu, open a fresh new facility (maybe in Manhattan or Boston) that could help bring the sports into the 21^st century (or even 1973, if you want to get snarky about it).

This Hall would be different. Here are a few ground rules that’d help differentiate it from Cooperstown:
- Voting is based 100% upon on-the-field performance. Drugs, gambling, womanizing, overeating. All irrelevant. If you could hit and/or pitch really, really well or made a big impact on the sport otherwise, that’s all that would matter.
- No five year waiting period to get in. The primary rationale is based on the opinion that MLB does a weak job of making its marquee players into household names. Case in point: why isn’t Albert Pujols at the level of celebrity of Tom Brady or Lebron James? The St Louis slugger put up an initial 10 seasons that’d rival the first decade of any player ever. And yet, what does the average baseball fan really know about him?!? He’s not a menace like Alex Rodriguez and not a lush like Miguel Cabrera nor a headcase like Brian Wilson. It’s unfortunate. From marketability alone, it’d be unique have actual Hall of Fame players on the field and might bump these dudes up a few notches in the celebrity ranks.
- You can vote players OUT of the Hall of Fame. This would be pretty exciting if all of a sudden people realized that a certain player’s historical significance lessened as time passed. Image the debate, the outrage if this happened. Fires would be set. Families would dissolve. It’d be wonderful. Personally, I might vote Ryne Sandberg out of the existing HOF if given the chance. He was good. But not THAT good.
- Give votes to people outside the Baseball Writers Association of America. More bloggers, maybe long time season ticket holders, Geddy Lee, etc. It’d be nice if there was an acknowledgement of voices outside this antiquated old boys club.

A few additional refinements would need to occur but in the meantime, here is a roll call of the players and non-players that I’d have inducted immediately into the Baseball Hall of Fame 2.0. Comments in parenthesis where warranted.

Position Players
- Alex Rodriguez
- Barry Bonds (100% no brainer.)
- Chipper Jones
- Craig Biggio (Personally, a far superior player to Ryne Sandberg overall plus he spent more years on the Astros than Sandberg did on the Cubs. So there.)
- Derek Jeter
- Ichiro Suzuki (See Appendix A)
- Ivan Rodriguez
- Jim Thome (A guy who is on the bubble in reality but I think he needs to make it. He gets fingered as largely a “counting stats” guy but check out the career OBP. It’s more than solid.)
- Manny Ramirez (In spite of his pathetic 2011 retirement episode.)
- Mark McGwire
- Omar Vizquel (Basically a modern day equivalent of Luis Aparicio and Ozzie Smith. Plus he’s apparently friendly as hell.)
- Pete Rose (Needs to get in ASAP. He is kooky but putting Pete Rose in the initial wave of inductees for HOF 2.0 would be a MAJOR news story.)
- Rafael Palmeiro (Similar to Thome in terms of longevity. Although that insincere finger pointin’ episode in Congress is so laughable, it basically hit The Reset Button on his credibility.)
- Sammy Sosa (His skin is bleached now apparently.)

Pitchers

- Greg Maddux
- John Smoltz (I like the parallels with Dennis Eckersley.)
- Mariano Rivera
- Pedro Martinez
- Randy Johnson
- Roger Clemens (Such an a-hole but on stats alone, easily one of the Top Five pitchers ever.)
- Tom Glavine
- Trevor Hoffman (I could see him and Rivera as maybe the last two closers ever elected to the HOF. Managers and General Managers alike are getting wise to the fact that investing in any closer long term is not good for business. The BJ Ryan contract with the Blue Jays might turn out to be one of the more influential contract bombs of the past decade.)

Everybody Else

- Bill James, statistician
- Billy Martin, manager
- Bobby Cox, manager
- Dave Duncan, pitching coach
- Donald Fehr, head of Major League Baseball Players Association (Most annoyed looking HOF 2.0 member.)
- Joe Torre, manager
- John Schuerholz, general manager
- Leo Mazzone, pitching coach (HOF 2.0 member most likely to be mistaken for somebody with nerve damage.)
- Marvin Miller, head of Major League Baseball Players Association (It took a United Steelworker to obliterate MLB’s infamous reserve clause. Miller’s handiwork was effectively ground zero for the escalation of MLB player salaries over the past 40 years.)
- Scott Boras, player agent (Evil but deserving, based on influence and fear alone.)
- Sean Forman, website founder (Founder of BaseballReference.com, easily the most referenced MLB website of the past decade.)
- Tim Dierkes, website founder (Tim created to horribly addictive MLBTradeRumors website and could be a gateway to a new wave of MLB influencers from outside the immediate circle.)
- Tony La Russa, manager

Appendix A

The Reset Button is on the bubble over whether there should be a fourth category for individuals who were “Historically significant and/or memorable” rather than “Great”. Occasionally, a player such as Ichiro Suzuki can be both. If it’s given a go, here are a few names of players and non-players who should be considered:
- Andy Van Slyke
- Bo Jackson
- Curt Flood
- Curtis Pride
- Doc Ellis
- Fernando Valenzuela
- Jim Abbott
- Jim Eisenreich
- Jim Morris
- Lenny Dykstra
- Roger McDowell
- Tug McGraw
- Turk Wendell
- Billy Beane, general manager
- Charlie Finley, owner
- Don Zimmer, manager/coach
- Lou Piniella, manager
- Walt Hriniak, hitting coach