Entroducing a Major League Baseball-UFC Hybrid

Thought. Major League Baseball has long suffered the stigma of being an old person's sport, seemingly without the action or intrigue to attract "the millennials". In an effort to combat this, there is potential to strike up a deal with Dana White and the UFC, and hold an off-season 10 match "super card" that pits the stars of MLB against one another in MMA-style battles. The event could take place outside in one of MLB's more climate appropriate stadiums (I'm thinking The Ballpark at Arlington or Chase Field and help bridge the gap of the long offseason.

I'm sure Michael Weiner and the Major League Baseball Players Association would TOTALLY sign off on this. I mean, it's not like there'd be any liability issues or anything?!?

Sure. Yes. Neat.

Here is a prospective first year card... 

CC Sabathia (Age: 31, Height: 6'7", Weight: 290 lb) vs Prince Fielder (Age: 27, Height: 5'11", Weight: 275 lb)

Analysis: The ultimate super heavyweight tilt that you could hope for in MLB. Huge contracts! Superstar profiles! Midriff bulge! Yes, it would mean we'd have to see the lumpy Prince in board shorts (barf!) but this could be the Andre the Giant vs Big John Studd for a new generation if marketed correctly. Epic in size, scale and appetite.
Verdict: CC

Tim Lincecum (Age: 27, Height: 5'11", Weight: 165 lb) vs Dustin Pedroia (Age: 28, Height: 5'9", Weight: 180 lb)

Analysis: On the other end of the spectrum, these two pint-sized superstars would very much like to put up their dukes, defending the honour of San Francisco and Boston respective. Honestly, I'm not sure how The Freak would do in the octagon, since he's just a "widdle guy" plus he's confessed a healthy appetite for the weed, which'd impact reaction times, etc. Pedroia is damn aggressive too. This one is easy to call.
Verdict: Dustin, quickly

Chris Carpenter (Age: 36, Height: 6' 6", Weight: 230 lb) vs Zack Greinke (Age: 28, Height: 6' 2", Weight: 190 lb)

Analysis: Milwaukee-St Louis is probably the best rivalry in MLB at the moment and I loved when these two had a war of words in the press during the post-season. In one corner, you have a lanky dude from New England with a cranky personality. In the other, you have the athletically gifted but mentally unsound enigma. Fascinating on a number of levels, especially when you consider that Carpenter's height advantage might be negated by Greinke's age and the fact he is a bit bipolar. Honestly, I would love to see these two beat on each other.
Verdict: Greinke but only by a slim margin

Brian Wilson (Age: 29, Height: 6'2", Weight: 205 lb) vs Jonathan Papelbon (Age: 30, Height: 6'4", Weight: 225 lb)

Analysis: Probably the two most annoying closers in MLB and now that JP has joined the Phillies, perhaps they'll get more opportunities to cross paths both on the diamond and off. Wilson tries way too hard to be a flake while Papelbon tries way too hard to be menacing... and has bad hair.
Verdict: Papelbon

Milton Bradley (Age: 33, Height: 6'0", Weight: 215 lb) vs Nyjer Morgan (Age: 31, Height: 6'0", Weight: 175 lb)

Analysis: Oh yes! These guys are both insane and would completely kick the (crap) out of one another. Bradley has a considerable weight advantage but is also very injury prone--his torn ACL was easily one of the most ridiculous sports injuries of the past 10 years. Morgan is probably angrier at this point in time, too. Another factor.
Verdict: Morgan in a surprisingly one-sided bust-up

Desmond Jennings (Age: 25, Height: 6'2", Weight: 200 lb) vs Brett Lawrie (Age: 21, Height: 6'0", Weight: 215 lb)

Analysis: In this service time spectacular, these two mid year 2011 rookies do battle in a match just oozing with swag. Honestly, this fight would be tremendous and would likely involve name callin' and showboatin'.
Verdict: Lawrie... or Jennings... I'm stumped

Rich Harden (Age: 29, Height: 6' 1", Weight: 195 lb) vs Erik Bedard (Age: 32, Height: 6' 1", Weight: 200 lb)

Analysis: Two ambulances would be waiting out back, as both these injury prone Canadians would no doubt be leaving the stadium in body bags. I mean, seriously, neither hurler can stay healthy enough to make it through a full MLB season so how are their weary bones and ligaments gonna react to the grind of an MMA bout? Badly. That's how.
Verdict: Harden by default, when Bedard trips in the ring steps and tears his left shoulder up again

Alex Rodriguez (Age: 36, Height: 6' 3", Weight: 230 lb) vs R.A. Dickey (Age: 37, Height: 6' 2", Weight: 220 lb)

Analysis: The Yankees-Mets rivalry has gone cold in recent years and this fight would really represent where both franchises are at circa right now. The Yanks would send arguably the greatest player of all-time and one of MLB's most familiar faces. The Mets would send a 30-something knuckleballer picked off the scrap heap. That being said, this could be a good underdog story and you shouldn't ever sell somebody with the last name Dickey short--he's probably been fighting to defend the honour of his last name his entire life.
Verdict: A-Rod although it'd be surprisingly close

Tim Wakefield (Age: 45, Height: 6'2", Weight: 210 lb) vs Omar Vizquel (Age: 44, Height: 5'9", Weight: 180 lb) 

Analysis: The two oldest players in MLB, one of whom (Wakefield) didn't really seem like an athlete to begin with. It'd be fun if this was a chessboxing-esque hybrid where the twosomes started things out by debating health care reform (Nancy Pelosi could moderate) and then had a rousing fist fight, showing that the mid 40s really is the new early 40s.
Verdict: "Omar comin'!!!"

Nolan Ryan (Age: 64, Height: 6'2", Weight: 170 lb) vs Robin Ventura (Age: 44, Height: 6'1", Weight: 185 lb)

Analysis: Celebrating the 20 year anniversary of one of MLB's most famous fights, Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura would have at it, as the assembled crowd chants, "One more time! One more time!" To up the ante and put something of a WWE spin on things, maybe Nolan would loose control of the Texas Rangers is he is defeated while Robin would immediately be fired from his freshly minted role as manager of the Chicago White Sox. Stakes is high, sons!
Verdict: Robin Ventura, in the ultimate act of comeuppance (via punching)

The Banishment of Archie "Snake" Simpson

A companion piece to The Emanicipation of Derek "Wheels" Wheeler, nothing bad ever seemed to happen to Wheels' co-best buddy Snake... or did it?!?

Sure, he was far less afflicted than most of his colleagues at Degrassi but that didn't mean that Snake wasn't devastated with some regularity.

Here is a peek at 10 moments that really sucked for Snake...

10. Snake's butterfly net

How humiliating? Joey, Wheels and Snake are trying to leave for the big weekend at Bronco's cottage (more on that later) and Mrs. Simpson humiliates her massive son by asking if he wanted to also bring his butterfly net. What a jerk!

9. Snake falls in the pool

A pivotal moment from the Summer from Hell, Snake was making his best efforts to mack on a pair of "lizadies" when he took a wrong step and fell backwards into the pool. WITH CLOTHES ON!!!! LOL!!! It's too bad because between the booty shorts and his liberal application of nose zinc, Snake-y Poo would've had those fare females eating out of the palm of his hand (so to speak).

8. Denied at the gentleman's club

Fake ID was a right of passage at Degrassi and Joey, Wheels and Snake plan a big Friday night at the local "peelers". They pool their funds but only 2/3 get to enjoy the show. Wheels and Snake make the cut but once inside, these dorks go "nom nom nom" on the Cokes and when they don't have enough bread for refills of their delicious soft drinks, the homely barmaid motions to the bouncer and Wheels and Snake are given the boot. Meanwhile, in an amazing scene, Joey is propositioned by a couple of ladies from "the oldest profession" but takes a pass, citing homework.

7. Reunited and it feels so bad

This was actually pretty edgy for the late 1980s: Snake's gay brother returns from college and says, "I'm gay too" in a jeep. Snake immediately becomes conflicted but eventually comes to grips with his feelings (and his brother's feelings about dudes). I love how "away at college" was a great plot device for television writers in the 1980s and 1990s, as a conduit for introducing an obscure brother or "friend of the family" that you wanted to introduce for a single episode and not make any commitment to long term. For further information, please refer to JB Slater, another sibling who came and went with the breeze.

6. The Zit Remedy breaks up

During Wheels' dark addiction to fries and video games, he sold his bass which effectively put the Zit Remedy on ice for years. Sure, they reunited in high school, eventually shooting a music video and hitting the casino circuit. But one could argue the soul of the band died when Wheels went off the deep end (and to a lesser degree, when they asked pretty boy Simon to join the band).

5. Not a playa

Snake was the Shawn Bradley of Degrassi but he really sucked at soccer. In fact, Wikipedia says he was "inept".

4. The car crash

Snake showed poor judgement when he allowed Joey to get behind the wheel of his parent's jalopy. Multiple times. He fell for the old "I just want to sit in the car" jibe and before long, a wild ride ensued that included an eye appointment and... wait for it... breakfast! The "Trust Me" episode filled an obscure quota that all 1980s television shows must contain a story arch involving underage children driving a car. 

3. Cold shoulder

Snake didn't know how to deal with the death of Wheels' parents. Blame immaturity but seriously, the lack of compassion that Snake showed Wheels was just plain cold, man.

2. Lakeside trauma

Putting his training to the test, Snake bravely dove into the lake and rescued the mysterious hussy Alison at Bronco's cottage. After the rescue, Snake was clearly shaken, tying a bow on what was the worst summer ever!!! Underrated subplot of the rescue: Luke and Yick dove into the water too, in spite of the fact that they were both fantastically stoned at the time (just check out Yick's clothes if you need proof). Given their state, it'd have been tragically ironic if one of these narbos also started to drown due to the fact they were overbaked.

1. Snake finds a corpse

"You alright?" asked Snake, as Claude bled from the skull in the boy's bathroom. No, the artsy Claude was not alright. Far from it. It took weeks, maybe months, of therapy and soul searching for Snake to overcome this tragedy and rightfully so. Too bad since this was probably Snake's best hair period during Degrassi's initial run.