Special Report: TSN: The Movie

It was recently announced that Fox has optioned Those Guys Have All the Fun in hopes of turning it into a "major motion picture". This sprawling (and at times, unreadable) book, detailing the history of the ESPN, doesn't really seem like something you'd need to see on the big screen but it's really no more or no less scriptworthy than Moneyball so anything is possible, I suppose. BTW, an early suggestion? Kevin Kline as Keith Olbermann? See what I did there, girlfriend.  

Personally, if I were CTV, I'd run some interference and make a poorly acted made-for-TV movie about the first quarter century of TSN. They are "Canada's sports leader", after all. Some of the items I'd like to see depicted include...
- The genesis of TSN's unique "spotlight" logo
- Some salacious tales of mischief at Don Leslie-Eglinton
- Why did every dude in my high school seem to own a TSN sports bag?
- More information about Darren Dutchshyn striking a groom at his own wedding. Did this really happen and why wasn't it a bigger story?!?
- More about the First Choice Superchannel Three Pack. It's an exciting new offer.

Here are some thoughts on who could play 15 of the biggest superstars of the TSN era:
Darren Dutchyshen => Chris Klein
Gord Miller => Ed Lynch
James Cybulski => Jason Patric
Jennifer Hedger => Jeri Ryan
Jim Hughson => Craig Kilborn
Jim Van Horne => Jeff Foxworthy
John Wells => a middle aged Jackie Mason
Lisa Bowes => Helen Hunt
Michael Landsberg => a middle aged James Woods
Michael Wallen => Fred Willard
Mike Toth => Christopher Knight
Paul Romanuk => Kevin Pollak
Rod Black => a young Harry Reemes
Teresa Hergert => Illeana Douglas
Vic Rauter => Jeff Hutcheson

Sadly, we weren't able to come to terms with a fake Gino Reda.

Reset: The Police Academy franchise

It looks like they've mothballed the reported remake of Drop Dead Fred (DDF) starring Russell Brand (no news since this initial 2009 report). But whether this gets rebooted or not, it's a prime example of Hollywood CONSIDERING a remake of a movie that clearly doesn't need to get remade. The original did little at the box office, wasn't well reviewed and probably isn't even remembered by 95% of the movie-going public. And yet somewhere, in some SoCal backlot, it was contemplated that DDF 2.0 needed to "get got". This is clearly an industry that is completely out of ideas at times and I will strike your face if you suggest this would merely be a chance to get DDF "right" this time around.

A lot of movies exist in the cultural vacuum of their time and would seem trite, mundane, plodding or irrelevant if modernized (the discussed remake of The Crow comes to mind). Comedy might be the ultimate genre to fall victim to this theory, since a lot of film humour demands context. To be considered funny on a wide scale, a film (or comedy, in general) relies on the viewer to make certain concessions to the period when the film was made, in terms of pacing, costume, cinematography, etc. Even humour that is somewhat timeless (i.e. not topical) can seem really dated based on factors outside the material itself. For example, it's hard not to focus on Jerry Seinfeld's feathered locks even though his inane "observations" are as funny and poignant in 2011 as they were in 1985.

OK, clearly what I'm trying to get at here is a passionate discussion of a theoretical Police Academy franchise reboot. Loose math.

Honestly, I'm surprised this hasn't happened yet (update???) since (A) Police Academy was required viewing for all children born in the 1970s and (B) a lot of key Hollywood decision makers fall within this bracket. Yes, the humour was a little blue, a little tasteless but what 8-year old didn't ROFL when Hooks pulled out her considerable piece and uttered, "Don't move, dirtbag!!!" In retrospect, I'm not sure why this is even funny, especially considering that it was so predictable since she did this in the final 10 minutes of each installment. And yet goddamit, this might've been the most often repeated movie for 7-8 years olds between the years 1985 and 1988. It spoke to us.

But revisit the second paragraph and gauge whether any of this is still funny. I'm on the fence.

Notable for the impressive view count and the fact the young man looks like Wheels

I don't really get why this is funny at all. Also, the music is uplifting and the actor who played Tackleberry is dead.

The animated version, featuring a theme by the underrated Fat Boys.

Akademie 3

Here is a rundown of casting for the franchise reboot, featuring new players in key roles:

Steve Guttenberg => Paul Rudd as Cadet Carey Mahoney
Kim Cattrall, Collen Camp, Janet Jones and others => Elisa Cuthbert as token blonde officer/love interest
Bubba Smith => John Salley as Cadet Moses Hightower
Michael Winslow => David Alan Grier as Cadet Larvell Jones
David Graf => Patrick Warburton as Cadet Eugene Tackleberry
Bruce Mahler => Ed Helms as Cadet Douglas Fackler
Marion Ramsey => Frangela as Cadet Laverne Hooks + 1 twin sister (a rare 1-for-2 fakeout)
G. W. Bailey => Lewis Black as Lt. Thaddeus Harris
Lance Kinsey => TJ Miller as Sgt. Proctor
George Gaynes => Ted Danson as Cmndt. Eric Lassard
Howard Hesseman => John Lithgow as Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard
Tim Kazurinsky => Jeffrey Asch as Cadet Sweetchuck
Brian Tochi => Bobby Lee as Cadet Tomoko Nogata
Bobcat Goldthwait => Andy Dick as Cadet Zed

Bye.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (The Wire edition)

The second in a series of indeterminate length, The Reset Button applies Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to the popular HBO social drama, The Wire. At each level, a Wire character is chosen that best represents the needs and aspirations of that level.

Also, to reiterate, the Hierarchy of Needs is easily one of the Top Five worst triangles ever. So played, dawg. And something only used by first year university students trying to grasp at "depth". Not unlike thumbtacked prints of "The Kiss" or Portishead CDs. Or talking about The Wire.

Source: http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm

Physiological Needs: These include the most basic needs that are vital to survival, such as the need for water, air, food and sleep. Maslow believed that these needs are the most basic and instinctive needs in the hierarchy because all needs become secondary until these physiological needs are met.

Security Needs: These include needs for safety and security. Security needs are important for survival, but they are not as demanding as the physiological needs. Examples of security needs include a desire for steady employment, health insurance, safe neighborhoods and shelter from the environment.

Social Needs: These include needs for belonging, love and affection. Maslow considered these needs to be less basic than physiological and security needs. Relationships such as friendships, romantic attachments and families help fulfill this need for companionship and acceptance, as does involvement in social, community or religious groups.

Esteem Needs: After the first three needs have been satisfied, esteem needs becomes increasingly important. These include the need for things that reflect on self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition and accomplishment.

Self-actualizing Needs: This is the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Self-actualizing people are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling their potential.

Physiological => Bodie
Once a solider, always a solder. If Bodie was any indication. Even when this "young'un" was named the Barksdale crew chief in Season Four, it was purely by default since most of his contemporaries were either dead or in prison. Time and again, Bodie was unable (or perhaps, unwilling) to rise above a purely Physiological existence, in spite of obvious "street smarts" and developing relationships with law men Ellis Carver, Thomas "Herc" Hauk and eventually, Jimmy McNulty. He was merely a doer and whenever he found himself in a more amped-up role, poor judgement kicked him in the fanny, often fuelled by petty relationships squabbles and a short fuse. His demise, a swift and brutal shot to the head from Michael Lee, was a fitting end to a life entirely cuffed to the street.
Also considered: Dukie, Bubbles, Ziggy Sobotka

Security => Chris Partlow
Chris Partlow was a cold, heartless murderer but so effin' cerebral in the way he filled that role, it was hard not to like the guy. One could argue that Partlow's handiwork was the single biggest factor in Marlo Stanfield's rise to top of the West Baltimore drug game as Partlow excelled both at protecting existing turf and leading conquests onto new corners. In short, he WAS safety. He WAS security. And his mentoring of young Michael was a rare glimpse into Partlow extending his talents beyond shooting haters in the face.
Also considered: Dennis "Cutty" Wise, Frank Sobotka, Bunk Moreland













Love/Belonging => D'Angelo Barksdale
Arguably the most conflicted character in The Wire's five year run and a case study in the challenges that all middle managers face. D'Angelo's role was an unfortunate mixture of cat herding and keeping his Uncle Avon and Mommy Brianna satisfied. D'Angelo showed a lot of humanity, in part through interactions with his young son and in part because actor Larry Gilliard has a naturally sad looking face (it's true). No doubt, D'Angelo felt some degree of belonging, love and affection from within the Barksdale crew but considering his life ended slumped over in "the clink" with a belt around his neck, it'd be tough to argue that D'Angelo ever truly found the full attachment he was looking for.
Also considered: Kima Greggs, Omar Little, Michael Lee

Esteem => Ellis Carver
A late bloomer, Ellis Carver matured from a rough n' tumble goofball in early seasons to a poised, polished Sergeant in Charge by Season Five. The distancing between Carver and his ol' running buddy Herc was an underrated subplot that enjoyed an engaging slowburn as the series progressed. And by the end, Carver began to achieve various Esteem needs by displaying a surprisingly degree of integrity that was sorely lacking in most other Wire characters. This was a quality, complex character--I'd argue that the impassioned manifesto he unleashed atop the cop car to kick-off Season Three was the death of old Carver and the birth of new Carver, aided by several visits to Hamsterdam that led to many WTF stares of bemusement.
Also considered: Avon Barksdale, Rhonda Pearlman, Clay Davis













Self-actualization => Marlo Stanfield
There were "good guy" options and "bad guy" options plus several shades of grey. But in the end, no Wire character best exemplified Self-actualization the way Marlo Stanfield did. From his first appearance in Season Three, Stanfield's one goal was to seize West Baltimore from the Barksdale crew and he did so fairly easily in retrospect. Stanfield achieved his goal (and to sound like a complete blowhard, "his destiny") by being 100% self-aware of what he was: a calculated mercenary who never allowed emotions or feelings or empathy to impact his ambition. Stanfield soldiers kicked a ton of fanny during their takeover and if his blaise facial expressions were any indications, there was zero remorse or hesitation from Stanfield. "... some place to be" indeed.
Also considered: Cedric Daniels, Tommy Carcetti, Stringer Bell

Reset: Technology Kills Seinfeld Dead

Um. Um. This is a list of 16 episodes of Seinfeld that would no longer be feasible because of recent technological advances.

Please credit Wikipedia for all plot summaries.

The Phone Message (Season Two, Episode Four)

Original Version: George becomes concerned when his girlfriend, Carol, doesn't return his calls. He loses his temper and leaves a series of angry messages on her machine. Later, he discovers that she was out of town. Before she can hear the messages, he and Jerry plan to go into her apartment and switch the tape on her answering machine. George and Jerry manage to intercept Carol at her apartment and switch the tape. George later learns that she had already heard the messages and found them funny, adding that she "loves jokes like that".

2011 Version: These messages would go straight to a voicemail service. George would be totally S.O.L. as he wouldn't be able to switch the tapes. Since there wouldn't be any tapes to switch.

The Baby Shower (Season Two, Episode Ten)

Original Version: Elaine holds a baby shower for a friend at Jerry's apartment. George is excited, because he finds the baby shower to be the perfect opportunity to "tell off" the woman who gave him "unequivocally, the worst date of [his] life" by pouring Bosco chocolate sauce on his red sweater. However, he cannot muster the courage to do so. Meanwhile, Kramer convinces Jerry to pirate cable television to watch the Mets home games. When the Russian cable providers show up, they ruin the shower.

2011 Version: A guess... the complexities of modern cable providers would prevent two Russian heavies from being able to  complete such an installation. Also, chances are, the Mets' home games would be reasonably available by conventional means. And lastly, it's hard to imagine anybody going to such lengths to watch the Mets in the first place.

The Truth (Season Three, Episode Two)

Original Version: George tells his girlfriend the truth about why he ended their relationship; as a result, she checks herself into the Woodhaven mental institution. Jerry is very upset at this because he is being audited by the IRS and George's girlfriend, an accountant, was supposed to help him out. To make things worse, she has all of his tax papers and Jerry needs them back desperately. It was Kramer who had gotten Jerry into trouble by forcing him to contribute to a fake volcano relief fund. Kramer is also dating Elaine's roommate, Tina, and Elaine complains about the loud tribal music and sexual noises in her apartment. Kramer also walks into Elaine's room and sees her naked.

2011 Version: Two things. Firstly, Jerry would likely have soft copies of all his papers. Secondly, it would be very easy for Jerry to verify the legitimacy of this fake volcano relief funds (Note: Am I the only one who doesn't remember this sub-plot?).

The Parking Garage (Season Three, Episode Six)

Original Version: The cast is in search of Kramer's car in the multi-level parking garage of a shopping mall after Kramer purchases an air conditioner. Unfortunately, no one can remember where the car was parked. Jerry is eager to urinate and goes in a dark corner. After Jerry does so, he is spotted by an officer and is held in the officer's booth. Later, George is also caught in the act of urinating. Both Jerry and George are fined and released. Then by luck, the gang finds Kramer's car but unfortunately, Kramer, who has the car keys, is still lost somewhere in the garage. Hours later, Kramer shows up, having gone on his own hunt for the air conditioner. As they all enter the car, the engine fails to start.

2011 Version: The gang would use their smartphones to call (or more likely, text each other) and rectify this in short order. I get that parking garages may inhibit certain providers. But even if they had to step outside for a moment, this wouldn't have been such an extreme scenario. Truth: this episode and its 2011 irrelevancy was the inspiration behind this entire post.

The Cafe (Season Three, Episode Seven)

Original Version: Jerry becomes fascinated by an unsuccessful restaurant and gives the owner some friendly advice. George's girlfriend wants him to take an IQ test for an education course she is doing; worried that he will score badly, he persuades Elaine to take it for him instead. Jerry suggests that she take the test at the deserted Dream Café because she "won't hear a peep" there -- but they reckon without Kramer's distracting presence. Elaine retakes the test in Jerry's apartment, but another collision with Kramer prevents her from returning it on time. Meanwhile, the Dream Café remains empty.

2011 Version: The modern version of this test would likely be computer-based and therefore, might have some security measures in place to prevent cheating.

The Alternate Side (Season Three, Episode 11)

Original Version: Jerry's car is stolen and he has a conversation with the car-jacker on the car phone. George takes a job moving cars from one side of the street to the other, to comply with alternate side parking regulations, and does a very careless job by crashing cars and causing traffic jams. Elaine cares for her 66-year-old boyfriend who has had a stroke just before she was about to break up with him. Kramer gets a line in a Woody Allen film, popularizing the expression, "These pretzels are making me thirsty!" He accidentally injures Woody Allen during the shooting and gets fired from the set.

2011 Version: Car phones don't exist any more, do they?

The Movie (Season Four, Episode 14)

Original Version: The four main characters continually miss each other as they try to attend a film together.

2011 Version: Again, mobile phones would render this a non-issue.

The Big Salad (Season Six, Episode Two)

Original Version: Elaine must find a special mechanical pencil for her new boss and soon finds herself dealing with the romantic advances of a stationary store clerk. George purchase a "big salad" for Elaine, but his girlfriend appears to take credit for the purchase. Jerry learns that his current girlfriend formerly dated Newman, who ended the relationship. Kramer plays golf with an ex-Major League Baseballer, whose rules violations Kramer notes, giving rise to a fight. The man is later suspected in the murder of a dry cleaner, and Kramer helps the fan flee in a white Ford Bronco in a situation similar to that of O.J. Simpson.

2011 Version: Elaine would easily be able to order this "special" mechanical pencil online, thus avoiding the need to interact with the creepy stationary store clerk.

The Couch (Season Six, Episode Five)

Original Version: Elaine begins to date the guy who delivers Jerry's new couch. Kramer plans to start a pizza business with Poppie. George joins a book club, but tries to rent the movie. Jerry and Elaine's discussion of the abortion issue causes trouble for Poppie, Elaine's relationship & Jerry's new couch. George spends the evening with the family that has rented the film, with less than spectacular results.

2011 Version: For a catalogue title such as "Breakfast at Tiffany's", George could have resorted to Netflix or scronged around for a digital version online.

The Secretary (Season Six, Episode Nine)

Original Version: Jerry confronts his dry cleaner. George passes over hiring an attractive secretary for a less attractive one. Kramer gets Uma Thurman's phone number. Elaine tries to buy a dress, but is unsatisfied with the size of the mirrors in the store.

2011 Version: Kramer puts Uma Thurman's number directly into his iPhone. If only to "humblebrag".

The Wink (Season Seven, Episode Four)

Original Version: Elaine dates the man from her wake-up service. A bit of grapefruit pulp, from Jerry's breakfast, gets into George's eye and causes problems for him when his winks keep getting misinterpreted. Jerry's healthy diet conflicts with his dating of Elaine's cousin. Kramer promises a sick boy that Yankee Paul O'Neill will hit two home runs for him, so he can get back a birthday card that he sold based on George's wink.

2011 Version: It is highly unlikely that anybody would use a home wake-up service in 2011. In fact, it seemed highly unlikely in 1995.

The Package (Season Eight, Episde Five)

Original Version: George finds out that the woman at a photo store is looking at his pictures. He tries to impress her by getting Kramer to take seductive pictures of him. Jerry refuses delivery of a package with no return address. Elaine tries to retrieve her medical records when she begins having problems with her doctor due to her attitude.

2011 Version: Most of this process would be handled digitally. Therefore, it's unlikely the interaction between George and the photo store employee would take place within the original context laid out.

The Little Jerry (Season Eight, Episode 11)

Original Version: Kramer gets a pet rooster he names "Little Jerry Seinfeld". George visits a woman's prison where he does not see what he had expected. Elaine discovers her boyfriend once had a full head of hair and convinces him to grow it back. A store owner exposes Jerry's bad check currently on display which raises much discussion.

2011 Version: People very seldom write cheques at retail anymore. Especially at such low level establishments such as the bodega in this episode.

The Millennium (Season Eight, Episode 20)

Original Version: Kramer makes plans for New Year's 2000 and wonders what the future may be like. Elaine gets bad service at a store and begins shopping at a similar store. Jerry learns he is on his girlfriend's speed dial.

2011 Version: "Speed dial" isn't really a thing anymore. Also, 2000 has come and gone.

The Wizard (Season Nine, Episode 15)

Original Version: Jerry gives his father an electric organizing system for his birthday. Jerry and George debate about the race of Elaine's new boyfriend which triggers her curiosity. Kramer plans on running for president of Morty and Helen's condo association. George lies to the Rosses about owning a house in the Hamptons.

2011 Version: Smartphones have effectively rendered electric organizing systems obsolete.

The Maid (Season Nine, Episode 19)

Original Version: Jerry hires a maid who he then starts sleeping with. Elaine discovers she has 57 messages on her answering machine when Kramer's food-order service tries to fax her. George tries to get a nickname but a co-worker gets the one he chose instead.

2011 Version: It is safe to assume that fax-based food menu services don't exist any more.