Special Report: Canadian Musical Copycats 2.0

For an explanation to how this “game” works (… and remember, LIFE is a game), read here.

Two. Point. Oh. Regulators!!!!

Images in Vogue – Canada’s answer to the Psychedelic Furs
There are probably a dozen other UK outfits that you could sub in for the Furs—Ultravox might be a good alternative. And yet whatever the causality, the early Images in Vogue singles seemed to be written by template, taking cues (and liberties) from the British New Wave of the age and ensuring that every last key and every last ounce of melodrama aligned perfectly with whatever was spilling out of the Motherland. “Lust for Love” especially sounds like the finest Furs’ song never recorded and when you contemplate Richard Butler’s love of aping David Bowie, you can establish a very nice continuum twice removed.

Alfie Zappacosta – Canada’s answer to Steve Perry
The Eighties were a good… no, a great time for homely looking dudes who were brimming with confidence and weren’t afraid to grow out their hair into a nasty poof of flaxen locks. Ex-Journey singer Steve Perry was one. Toronto’s Alfie Zappacosta was another. And by another, I mean another Steve Perry. “We Should Be Lovers” has to be in the Top Five of videos where the song is completely inconsistent with the visuals. The clip features a Jello wrestling motif and our hero making out with some androgynous lady (guy?) wearing a modified do rag and puffing away on a cigarette holder. It’s pretty dire. Also, pervy move by Alfie, sniffing that girl's shirt.

Candi and the Backbeat – Canada’s answer to Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
This… I mean, this was SOOOO blatant. And if the aesthetic similarity between these bands weren’t obvious enough (see image above), Candi and friends released a song called “Under the Latin Moon” as their first track, maybe in efforts to deflect the epicentre of offensive, vaguely-Latino Top 40 from Miami to Toronto. It didn’t work. Unrelated, the Candi drunk driving PSA, featuring a stiff flatlining, was tremendous and completely ineffective.  I mean, why would anybody take this sobering advice from somebody who didn’t even have a last name?!?

Tom Cochrane – Canada’s answer to John Cougar Mellencamp
This suggestion is bound to miff Red Rider completists. And I’m OK with that. Slowly but surely, Tom Cochrane (TC) morphed from a pig-faced, Floyd-acknowledging rocker into a gruff, rootsy rocker, along the lines of John Cougar Mellencamp (JCM). TC’s metamorphosis was complete when he wore a tassled suede jacket in the “Life is a Highway” video.

Jr Gone Wild – Canada’s answer to The Replacements
The career arcs of Edmonton’s Jr Gone Wild and Minnesota’s Replacements are startlingly similar...
* Phase I: Thrash bands who played a lot of hardcore punk rock shows even though neither outfit were truly a hardcore punk rock band
* Phase II: College rock bands that refined their original sound and created music that was catchy enough to attract the ears of Co-eds but gritty  enough to distance itself from anything on commercial radio
* Phase III:  AAA-type bands in their golden years. The Replacements imploded amid personality conflicts with Nirvana borrowing from the band’s image (and getting paid for it). Jr Gone Wild poured on the country towards the end with Wilco borrowing from the band’s image (and getting paid for it). 

Mystery Machine – Canada’s answer to Sunny Day Real Estate
Yeah. Lots of expressive guitars. Wordy vocals. Northwestern roots. Solid but kind of forgettable bands overall. Although there is a small core of individuals (I know at least two) who suggest that Mystery Machine were the premiere Canadian band of the Nineties. “Wake Up Pill” was a strong track. 

Sum 41 – Canada’s answer to blink-182
The naming convention alone makes this a no brainer, since Sum 41 blew up in the wake of blink-182’s popular “mall punk” sound. In comparison, Sum 41 seemed more bratty and honestly, blink-182 had some serious songwriting chops if you ask me. “Adam’s Song” was kind of awesome.

The Salads – Canada’s answer to 311
The strange thing about the Salads is that they were essentially a dead ringer for 311 and yet showed up several years after 311 had already crested commercially. I supposed loud frat boy party tunes never really go out of style (at least amongst loud frat boys) but this positioning seemed way to obvious, even in the moment. We’re not dealing with the most refined pallet here but still…. BTW, The Salads is an awful band name. Without checking, I assume they call themselves The Salads because they blend lots of musical styles together, much like a salad blends lots of vegetables together. Not good.

Alice Glass – Canada’s answer to Karen O
This is a study of where the artists align in a physical sense, if not a sonic sense. As an observer, it would seem that Alice Glass from Toronto’s Crystal Castles took more than a bit of inspiration from Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. And it’s quite possible considering (A) the Castles broke 4-5 years after the YYYs did and (B) their hair is similar. Other similarities include leather, heavy eye shadow, Converse sneakers, a penchant for jumping into crowds (and flailing about once there) and deadpan expressions. Interestingly, the Crystal Castles and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs have actually inched closer to one another soundwise too, especially since the last Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ full-length, It’s Blitz!, was bathed in kind of aggressive electronics that the Castles specialize in.

Jully Black “Seven Day Fool” – Canada’s answer to Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black
From what I know about Jully Black, she seems like a pretty cool chick. She doesn’t take herself too seriously. She seems to put a lot of heart into what she does. But holy hell—Black releasing “Seven Day Fool” mere months after Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black album blew up was clearly the work of somebody trying to "make bank" on a trend. “Seven Day Fool” was incongruent with anything that Black had released prior… and pretty congruent with about half the tracks on Back to Black. The video didn’t help. It’s hard to judge the song on its own merits since it was birthed in the shadow of something that was entirely fresh at the time and yet in its own way, completely regressive (in some ways) to Sixties’ girl groups, early Eighties’ ska and a bunch of other styles. It is messy analogy but one based on ton of evidence.

Special Report: Toronto: War of the Wards

The concept is a MAJOR motion picture about the Toronto City Council circa 2011.

Working title => Toronto: War of the Wards

The movie would be a “dramedy” and feature plenty of mean spirited political humour, just a sprinkle of misogyny and a few key shots of the sun coming up over Nathan Phillips Square.  The ensemble cast would be divided between “The Insiders” (current Council members) and “The Outsiders” (various non-Council influencers). For the sake of continuity, there would be 10 of each.

In a pivotal scene, fake Rob Ford would engage in fisticuffs with an angry cluster from the Toronto Cyclists Union. The action cumulates with fake Rob hurling a 10 speed in their general direction, quipping, “Speak only when spoke-n, too.”

Riveting.

Another primary objective of the film would be to intertwine generations of Toronto civic leaders. This is largely a device to get fake Mel Lastman some screen time.

The Cast

The Insiders: Nobody REALLY knows what goes on inside of Toronto’s city council. …. Actually, yes they do--here is a full archive of meetings and minutes. Anyway, let’s not kid ourselves—the Council is a combative, combustible clash of egos and things always get blustery with mayor Rob Ford at the eye of the tornado. Best sit back, hold on tight and (try to) enjoy the ride.

1. Adam Vaughan => Adam Clayton (in a rare acting role)
2. Denzil Minnan-Wong => Fred Armisen
3. Doug Ford => Eric Stonestreet
4. Frances Nunziata => Joan Baez (I repeat, in a rare acting role)
5. Giorgio Mammoliti => Joe Rogan
6. Gord Perks => Gary Sinese
7. Karen Stintz => Maria Bello
8. Mary Fragedakis => Sofia Milos
9. Mike Layton => Topher Grace
10. Rob Ford => Philip Seymour Hoffman

The Outsiders:  A seasonal blend of chair people, critics and ex-heavyweights, each Outsider stirs the pot in his or her own unique way. And when they say “too many cooks spoil the broth”, picture one of these ne’er-do-wells in traditional kitchen whites.

1. Adam Giambrone => Wil Wheaton
2. Barbara Hall => Janis Ian (I repeat, in a rare acting role)
3. Bill Blair => Christopher Walken
4. Bob Kinnear => Stephen Baldwin
5. David Miller => John Slattery
6. George Smitherman => Larry Miller
7. Joe Pantalone => Tony Sirico
8. Mel Lastman => Billy Crystal
9. Paul Godfrey => Harvey Keitel
10. Stephen Ledrew => Stanley Tucci

Reset: The Pavement Song Book

Blame R.E.M.

... for effectively making it OK (and even expected) to invent song titles that have absolutely nothing to do with the lyrics, melody or subject matter of the song in question. They exhibited it here. And later on here. And even here. In fairness, they picked their spots and yes, it gave R.E.M. a certain mystique that was hard to penetrate in the pre-Internet age. 1986. Etc.

Later on, some outfits took this model to an extreme whereby they not only assigned song titles that confused listeners; in some instances, they were grammaticalyl incorrect... or weren't even words(!!!) See Aphex Twin.

It's neither a good thing or a bad thing. It's just a thing. And nobody glommed on to this "thing" to the extent that Pavement did. Especially early in their career, Stephen Malkmus and friends took great delight at confusing listeners with noisy noise rock that was strangely tuneful and yet completely obscured behind obtuse song titles and scribbly album art. The band ultimatey parlayed this willful obscurity into becoming one of the most critically lauded outfits of the last quarter century. Somehow in spite of their efforts. Not because of them. They were/are special.

Here is a look at what their discography may have looked like if they "played it straight" when naming their songs. Perhaps they would've become R.E.M. if they weren't born difficult.

Revised titles in bold type.

Slay Tracks (1933–1969) EP (1989)
1. You're Killing Me
2. Box Elder
3. Maybe Maybe
4. She Believes
5. Price Yeah!

Demolition Plot J-7 EP (1990)
1. Forklift
2. You Shouldn't Hate Your Body ('cause It's Part of You) - formerly Spizzle Trunk
3. Recorder Grot
4. Internal K-Dart
5. I Wasted - formerly Perfect Depth
6. Recorder Grot (Rally)

Perfect Sound Forever EP (1991)
1. Heckler Spray
2. From Now On
3. Ask Me - formerly Angel Carver Blues/Mellow Jazz Docent
4. Drive by Fader
5. Debris Slide
6. Pull My Lips Band and Watch Me Smile - formerly Home
7. Krell Vid-User

Slanted and Enchanted (1992)
1. Summer Babe (Winter Version)  
2. Trigger Cut/Wounded Kite at :17
3. No Life Singed Her
4. What I Want - formerly In the Mouth A Desert
5. I'm Tryin', I'm Tryin' - formerly Conduit For Sale!    
6. Zürich Is Stained
7. Bogged Down - formerly Chesley's Little Wrists
8. Loretta's Scars
9. Here
10. Two States
11. Radio Active - formerly Perfume-V
12. Fame Throwa
13. One Holy Life - formerly Jackals, False Grails: The Lonesome Era
14. It Never Comes - formerly Our Singer

Watery Domestic EP (1992)
1. A Texas Mile - formerly Texas Never Whispers 
2. So Much Style - formerly Frontwards 
3. Two Colors - formerly Feed Them To The Lions (Linden) 
4. Don't Expect - formerly Shoot The Singer (1 Sick Verse) 

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain (1994)
1. Silence Kit   
2. Why You're Complaining - formerly Elevate Me Later
3. Stop Breathin'
4. Cut Your Hair
5. Brand New Era - formerly Newark Wilder
6. (Let's Burn the) Hills of Beverly - formerly Unfair   
7. Gold Soundz
8. 5-4=Unity
9. Range Life
10. Heaven Is a Truck
11. Hit the Plane Down
12. I Need to Sleep - formerly Fillmore Jive

Wowee Zowee (1995)
1. We Dance
2. Rattled By The Rush
3. No One Has a Clue - formerly Black Out
4. We Got The Money - formerly Brinx Job
5. Dying on These Streets - formerly Grounded  
6. Serpentine Pad
7. Let Me Be - formerly Motion Suggests
8. Angel of Corpus Cristi - formerly Father To A Sister Of Thought
9. Extradition  
10. Best Friends Arm
11. Grave Architecture
12. Room Service Calls - formerly AT&T  
13. Let You - formerly Flux = Rad
14. Fight This Generation
15. Why Didn't I Ask? - formerly Kennel District
16. You Don't Move - formerly Pueblo
17. Dream About the Witch Trials - formerly Half A Canyon
18. Western Homes

Brighten the Corners (1997)   
1. Stereo  
2. Shady Lane  
3. Transport Is Arranged  
4. Magic Lands - formerly Date with IKEA  
5. Old To Begin  
6. Type Slowly  
7. Embassy Row  
8. Luster - formerly Blue Hawaiian  
9. We Are Underused  
10. Passat Dream  
11. Starlings Of The Slipstream  
12. Prison Architects - formerly Fin  

Terror Twlight (1999)
1. Spit On A Stranger
2. Pardon My Birth (I Just Slipped Out) - formerly Folk Jam  
3. You Are A Light
4. One Way Track - formerly Cream Of Gold
5. Major Leagues
6. Serengeti Nightmare - formerly Platform Blues
7. Ann Don't Cry
8. Billie 
9. Speak, See, Remember
10. The Hexx
11. ...And Carrot Rope

Reset: Major League Baseball Hall of Fame 2.0

Major League Baseball is tremendous but the way it's marketed is horrible.

Easily the most conservative of the four major team sports, MLB has always relied on tradition and the depiction of “the grand old game” to draw fans in. But seriously, with each generation subjected to warbly mono renditions of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” and an intense policing of any official game footage on YouTube (to name but two offenses), MLB risks losing a nation of young people if it doesn’t change its ole time-y ways soon.

A positive first step could be hitting the Reset Button on the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s a fine spot to spend a summer’s afternoon. But it’d be a big step symbolically if MLB would forgo any future Cooperstown inductions and in lieu, open a fresh new facility (maybe in Manhattan or Boston) that could help bring the sports into the 21^st century (or even 1973, if you want to get snarky about it).

This Hall would be different. Here are a few ground rules that’d help differentiate it from Cooperstown:
- Voting is based 100% upon on-the-field performance. Drugs, gambling, womanizing, overeating. All irrelevant. If you could hit and/or pitch really, really well or made a big impact on the sport otherwise, that’s all that would matter.
- No five year waiting period to get in. The primary rationale is based on the opinion that MLB does a weak job of making its marquee players into household names. Case in point: why isn’t Albert Pujols at the level of celebrity of Tom Brady or Lebron James? The St Louis slugger put up an initial 10 seasons that’d rival the first decade of any player ever. And yet, what does the average baseball fan really know about him?!? He’s not a menace like Alex Rodriguez and not a lush like Miguel Cabrera nor a headcase like Brian Wilson. It’s unfortunate. From marketability alone, it’d be unique have actual Hall of Fame players on the field and might bump these dudes up a few notches in the celebrity ranks.
- You can vote players OUT of the Hall of Fame. This would be pretty exciting if all of a sudden people realized that a certain player’s historical significance lessened as time passed. Image the debate, the outrage if this happened. Fires would be set. Families would dissolve. It’d be wonderful. Personally, I might vote Ryne Sandberg out of the existing HOF if given the chance. He was good. But not THAT good.
- Give votes to people outside the Baseball Writers Association of America. More bloggers, maybe long time season ticket holders, Geddy Lee, etc. It’d be nice if there was an acknowledgement of voices outside this antiquated old boys club.

A few additional refinements would need to occur but in the meantime, here is a roll call of the players and non-players that I’d have inducted immediately into the Baseball Hall of Fame 2.0. Comments in parenthesis where warranted.

Position Players
- Alex Rodriguez
- Barry Bonds (100% no brainer.)
- Chipper Jones
- Craig Biggio (Personally, a far superior player to Ryne Sandberg overall plus he spent more years on the Astros than Sandberg did on the Cubs. So there.)
- Derek Jeter
- Ichiro Suzuki (See Appendix A)
- Ivan Rodriguez
- Jim Thome (A guy who is on the bubble in reality but I think he needs to make it. He gets fingered as largely a “counting stats” guy but check out the career OBP. It’s more than solid.)
- Manny Ramirez (In spite of his pathetic 2011 retirement episode.)
- Mark McGwire
- Omar Vizquel (Basically a modern day equivalent of Luis Aparicio and Ozzie Smith. Plus he’s apparently friendly as hell.)
- Pete Rose (Needs to get in ASAP. He is kooky but putting Pete Rose in the initial wave of inductees for HOF 2.0 would be a MAJOR news story.)
- Rafael Palmeiro (Similar to Thome in terms of longevity. Although that insincere finger pointin’ episode in Congress is so laughable, it basically hit The Reset Button on his credibility.)
- Sammy Sosa (His skin is bleached now apparently.)

Pitchers

- Greg Maddux
- John Smoltz (I like the parallels with Dennis Eckersley.)
- Mariano Rivera
- Pedro Martinez
- Randy Johnson
- Roger Clemens (Such an a-hole but on stats alone, easily one of the Top Five pitchers ever.)
- Tom Glavine
- Trevor Hoffman (I could see him and Rivera as maybe the last two closers ever elected to the HOF. Managers and General Managers alike are getting wise to the fact that investing in any closer long term is not good for business. The BJ Ryan contract with the Blue Jays might turn out to be one of the more influential contract bombs of the past decade.)

Everybody Else

- Bill James, statistician
- Billy Martin, manager
- Bobby Cox, manager
- Dave Duncan, pitching coach
- Donald Fehr, head of Major League Baseball Players Association (Most annoyed looking HOF 2.0 member.)
- Joe Torre, manager
- John Schuerholz, general manager
- Leo Mazzone, pitching coach (HOF 2.0 member most likely to be mistaken for somebody with nerve damage.)
- Marvin Miller, head of Major League Baseball Players Association (It took a United Steelworker to obliterate MLB’s infamous reserve clause. Miller’s handiwork was effectively ground zero for the escalation of MLB player salaries over the past 40 years.)
- Scott Boras, player agent (Evil but deserving, based on influence and fear alone.)
- Sean Forman, website founder (Founder of BaseballReference.com, easily the most referenced MLB website of the past decade.)
- Tim Dierkes, website founder (Tim created to horribly addictive MLBTradeRumors website and could be a gateway to a new wave of MLB influencers from outside the immediate circle.)
- Tony La Russa, manager

Appendix A

The Reset Button is on the bubble over whether there should be a fourth category for individuals who were “Historically significant and/or memorable” rather than “Great”. Occasionally, a player such as Ichiro Suzuki can be both. If it’s given a go, here are a few names of players and non-players who should be considered:
- Andy Van Slyke
- Bo Jackson
- Curt Flood
- Curtis Pride
- Doc Ellis
- Fernando Valenzuela
- Jim Abbott
- Jim Eisenreich
- Jim Morris
- Lenny Dykstra
- Roger McDowell
- Tug McGraw
- Turk Wendell
- Billy Beane, general manager
- Charlie Finley, owner
- Don Zimmer, manager/coach
- Lou Piniella, manager
- Walt Hriniak, hitting coach