Special Report: Ten Non-Goth Goth Songs

This is a definition of "gothic rock" from our friends over at Wikipedia. Thanks!

Gothic rock takes the guitar and synthesizer sounds of post-punk and uses them to construct "foreboding, sorrowful, often epic soundscapes". According to music journalist Simon Reynolds, standard musical fixtures of the genre include "scything guitar patterns, high-pitched basslines that often usurped the melodic role; beats that were either hypnotically dirgelike or 'tribal'". Reynolds described the vocal style as consisting of "deep, droning alloys of Jim Morrison and Leonard Cohen". Many goth bands use drum machines that do not stress the back beat in the rhythm. Also, they tend to play the flanging guitar effect, producing a brittle, cold, and harsh sound that contrasted with their psychedelic rock predecessors. Gothic rock typically deals with dark themes addressed through lyrics and the music atmosphere. The poetic sensibilities of the genre led gothic rock lyrics to exhibit literary romanticism, morbidity, religious symbolism, and/or supernatural mysticism.

Ok, fair enough. So this covers the Cure, Bauhaus, the Birthday Party, Sisters of Mercy, etc. But what about the first Sinead O'Connor album? Kinda sorrowful and kinda epic if you ask me. What about Godspeed You! Black Emperor? In the late Nineties, nobody was making soundscapes like these super serious Montrealers. PLUS they sang about a wallet full of blood. A wallet full!

Also, into the conversation, you need to add the Smashing Pumpkins, the Stranglers, Screamin' Jay Hawkins, Johnny Cash, Grace Slick (enjoyed making scary faces at the camera), the Rapture, Warpaint, Sarah McLachlan, Helium. And how about Enya? By definition, Enya could be considered goth as (heck)!

The point of this hyperbole is that in a sea of ridiculously vague musical subgenres, few are as ridiculous as "gothic rock". And to help burst the bubble of thousands of suburban white kids clad in black dusters, here is a list of ten non-goth goth songs. Prove me wrong!

“A Song for Europe” by Roxy Music

Bryan Ferry straddles the line between creepy and goth on “A Song for Europe”, an early indication that Roxy Music had way (slightly?) more depth than the topless females on their album covers would indicate. A disjointed eulogy to the continent, Ferry growls and brays his way through the lyrics, rhyming “sorrow” and “no tomorrow” (pretty goth!!) , and sounding positively bummed throughout. Bonus points for the bizarre outro that features Ferry scatting in Latin and French—hey, he’s bummed so cut him some slack. The finest song that Nick Cave never wrote.

“(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult

What’s not to like/fear about “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper”: unsettling guitar riffs, emotionless vocals, lyrics that talk about dying AND that dastardly SOB, “the reaper”. That’s messed up! Blue Oyster Cult never came close to matching the commercial success of this 1976 downer and yet they continue to make bread on the casino circuit, chugging away and busting out this track that could easily be filed as the first true goth rock song IMHO.


"In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins

Who knew this annoying bald dude could pen such a dark, dour number … and get props from such known haters as Nas and Eminem in the process. Phil Collins’ minor key masterstroke was recorded over 30 years ago but holds up IMHO and in fact, becomes more and more spooky as the world continues to move away from analog. May I be so bold as to suggest that given the song was recorded in 1979, it easily could’ve taken off a small amount of its studio sheen and slotted nicely on to Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures. Sounds ridiculous but seriously, I don’t think it’s so farfetched. The video is equally as terrifying: a prolonged close up of Phil Collins’ face(!!)

“Edge of Seventeen” by Stevie Nicks

Stevie Nicks always had a bit of a Wiccan edge to her and she brought this side of her coked-out self to the mainstream on “Edge of Seventeen”, anchored by its trademark guitar riff and Nicks’ mournful lyrics about death and dying. For years, I thought this was a Concrete Blonde track, which is ridiculous considering Nicks’ trademark howl is amongst the most recognizable in rock music. Sadly, the song became slightly less goth when Destiny’s Child decided to sample it for “Bootylicious”. Jelly goth.


"Feeling Gravitys Pull" by R.E.M.

This track is most memorable for the disjointed guitar work of Peter Buck that kicked off R.E.M.’s difficult third full-length, Fables of the Reconstruction. “Feeling Gravitys Pull” still sounded like R.E.M. but also sounded a bit… off. Steep in a vague exploration of the mythology of the South (if you believe Wikipedia, anyway), this is one of the more creepy cuts from the R.E.M. discography and grows more and more obtuse on repeat listens. It sounds like a band trying to reclaim its edge by throwing spooky stuff into the works, even though the fop-haired mid-Eighties Michael Stipe was a massive wimp and would look like a complete tool in a black trench coat.

"The Ledge" by the Replacements

Minneapolis might not strike the average listener as a very goth city but there is something pretty unsettling about this 1987 number from the Replacements. Paul Westeberg and friends seem like the type of band who'd prefer to injure goths rather than serenade them. And yet the despondent chord structure and lyricism of "The Ledge" is filled with plenty of angst and isn’t too far removed from The Mission and bands of this ilk. After all, “The Ledge” is not only about ledges—it’s about people who are looking to jump off ledges. Unfortunately, the tune looses a few points for mentioning donuts. Maybe they’re blood-filled donuts. It doesn’t specify.

"Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson

“Thriller” is not goth so don’t go there, girlfriend! But maybe, just maybe, this somewhat-forgotten single from Bad is. “Dirty Diana” is supposedly about a groupie gone bad. So in MJ's case, it's about a bratty 8-year old boy. It’d be hard for MJ’s massive vocals to pull off a legit goth track but with some help from Billy Idol's guitar player Steve Stevens, he gave it his best shot on "Dirty Diana". If this ever ended up in the hands of Peter Murphy or Gavin Friday, there would be some serious potential for some minor key madness.

"Come Undone" by Duran Duran

It’s pretty amazingly that an antiquated act like Duran Duran struck commercial gold in 1993, given the tastes of the day veered strongly towards flannel and gansta rap. Maybe it’s because the band used a few delicious droplets of goth to build out “Come Undone”, a sultry, sleezy ode to… um, coming undone. It’s certainly way more pop than goth. But still—the vocals and guitar set a sinister tone. Plus the video is pretty badass, as there are few things more goth than sea turtles and crustaceans.

"Here With Me" by Dido

Very similar in sound and feel to the aforementioned Duran Duran track, the debut single from Dido is urban and haunting and textured. Her audience may have been largely teenage girls but whatever the case, Dido took a page from Sarah McLachlan and created a Top 20 smash that was both memorable and just a bit sinister—a tough double play to pull off. Unfortunately, the marketing machine behind Dido never gave her a chance to become a hero to the pale teenagers in black nail polish, considering she looked more like a 12-year old boy than a banshee.

"Hometown Glory" by Adele

This song should be considering goth if only due to the fact that is rallying against one’s hometown is practically a national pastime in the Goth Nation (GN). I blame society. Again, Adele doesn’t look the part but her sense of drama and dynamics (and her love of black clothing) could render her a goth icon if she was spun a bit differently. Instead, she got a bit too soulful and is now selling out hockey arenas. Oh well. Liz Fraser would have a field day with this cut. Hometowns suck.

Special Report: Canadian Musical Copycats 1.0

There is no denying that art influences art. As one of the finest (and most shallow) thinkers of our time once quipped: What is art? Are we art? Is art art?

This fact has never been lost on cagey record labels and A&R types, who tend to focus on artists who seem familiar rather than those who don't. Nowhere was this more apparent than in Canada during the latter third of the 20th century, when a great many of the Canadian artists you'd hear on the radio were essentially the domestic counterparts of popular favourites from the United States or UK. Sometimes, the lines drawn were completely superficial and had little to do with how the music actually sounded. They had more to do with pants and lighting and hair and sunglasses.

Example: the video for I Mother Earth "So Gently We Go". The clip seemingly was influenced by the videos for Temple of the Dog "Hunger Strike" and Blind Melon "No Rain"--in retrospect, 1992-1994 was a watershed time for "Hey, look at us! We’ve set up our instruments in a field!" music videos. Now, not only was I Mother Earth similar to these other bands in their desire to crouch in long grass, they were also similar in their look and appearance: reasonably good looking white guys in hemp necklaces and considerable haircuts. But otherwise, these three outfits were pretty different in terms of how they sounded. I Mother Earth were friggin' heavy when they wanted to be. Blind Melon were quirky and poppy, almost veering into Violent Femmes territory at times. Temple of the Dog were austere and earnest. But the end game was the same: Canadian fans of Temple of the Dog and Blind Melon now had a new band to enjoy with minimal effort and transition. Again, purely from a superficial level since they'd never even consider getting into I Mother Earth if they looked like the guys in Poison. This was 1994.

Canadian popular music history is wrack with these kind of case studies but to be fair, it works both ways.

One could suggest that Toronto's Fifth Column helped pave the way (and mold the template) for the unbathed ladies of Bikini Kill, Huggy Bear and much of the Riot Girl movement, considering their roots go back to the early Eighties. As an aside, Fifth Column had a tune called "The Fairview Mall Story" about a gay police shakedown that took place at this North York shopping plaza during the mid-Eighties. It was rather exciting to hear people singing about Fairview (in spite of the subject matter) since I grew up five minutes away. I only wish Hayden, Poledo or the Scam Artists could've written a tune about the much maligned Thornhill Square during its heyday. Hot Diggity Dog, Key Nook--we will never, EVER forget you.

Likewise, the Germs (or at least their brain dead singer, Darby Crash) were basically a SoCal version of what Steve "Nazi Dog" Leckie and the Viletones were doing up north months prior. However, one could also argue that both these numbskulls were just taking Iggy Pop's shtick and putting a regional spin on something that wasn't theirs to begin with.

So yeah, both ways but moreso Canada aping elsewhere. Here are 10 life-altering proof points. All “net new”.

Lighthouse - Canada's answer to Chicago

To be honest, this is based entirely upon a decade long confusion between "Saturday in the Park" and "Sunny Days". Turns out both tunes were released in 1972 and both outfits put out their debut full-length in 1969. I'm going to plead ignorance on this since I wasn't ever born when this was all going down.

Dalbello - Canada's answer to Cyndi Lauper

OK, this is more like it and similar to the I Mother Earth/Temple of the Dog/Blind Melon example from earlier. Lisa Dalbello seemed to be cultivating an image that was very similar to Cyndi Lauper, with bits of Siouxsie Sioux thrown in for good measure. But sound-wise, miles apart. Lauper was Top 40 all the way, focusing on party tunes and big ballads. Dalbello was more obscure, sounding like a less theatrical version of Kate Bush or Grace Jones with hooks awash in the overproduced, synth-heavy style of the times. Unrelated, Dalbello's "Tango" is a candidate for most ridiculous-yet-awesome track of 1987.  She is also somewhat foxy in the facial department. I mean, she looks a bit like a fox.

Doug and the Slugs - Canada's answer to Huey Lewis and the News

Sweaty, brash bar bands with gregarious everymen out front. This one is way, way too obvious. The late Doug Bennett never had the chiselled good looks of Huey Lewis but that didn't stop he and his Slugs from capitalizing on the... Wikipedia update: Many of the Slugs' biggest hits actually hit before the News had their first Billboard Top 10 smash. So perhaps the climate was just right for blue collar rock bands that appealed to factory workers who enjoyed a solid pop hook but found the Cars and Cheap Trick "too weird". Let's go with that.

Kon Kan - Canada's answer to the Pet Shop Boys

This is interesting. Based on marketing alone, you’d think Kon Kan were positioned to be Canada’s answer to the Pet Shop Boys: two dudes—one out front delivering deadpan vocals with the other in back, messing around with a synthesizer and seemingly the “brains” of the operation. Often while wearing a hat. Um, this sounds like Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe to a tee, no? And yet in sound and composition, one could argue that Kon Kan were more akin to M|A|R|R|S or the Timelords, since all three outfits managed to score mainstream hits with quirky sampling and dance beats, effectively predating the whole early 00s mash-up craze by over a decade. Interesting indeed and I still think “I Beg Your Pardon (I Never Promised You a Rose Garden)” is one of the more bizarre singles to ever make the Canadian Top 20.

Sheree – Canada’s answer to Taylor Dayne

I seriously hope there was a meeting at BMG’s Canadian HQ in the late Eighties where some skeevy dude with a ponytail uttered, “Find me Canada’s Taylor Dayne. Pronto!” Or something like that. It’s one of the only plausible explanations as to why Sheree (not to be mistaken with Sheree) got signed. In fairness, Taylor Dayne was kind huge at the time so it was a calculated risk. But it both instances, it showed that sassy blondes often have a limited shelf life in the music business, with the possible exception of Edgar Winter.

Bootsauce - Canada's answer to the Red Hot Chili Peppers

An embarrassment on multiple levels, Bootsauce might be the ultimate Canadian copycat example of the last quarter century. For those not hip to the scene, Bootsauce were a group of funky customers from Montreal who were barfed out on to Much Music in the early Nineties, après the success of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Jane’s Addiction and other groovy rock bands featuring shirtless dudes playing slap bass. These guys were super annoying and yet scored a few mid-sized hits, namely  a cover of Hot Chocolate’s “Everyone’s a Winner”. Luckily, they had zero staying power while the Peppers quickly veered into M.O.R. territory by the late Nineties. Lesser of two evils?

Delerium - Canada's answer to Enigma

The concept of blending beats, Gregorian chants and classical is still pretty obtuse by today’s standards but also completed dated considering the notion enjoyed its commercial peak close to two decades ago. Enigma pioneered this sound with their creepy 1990 smash “Sadeness” (what’s with the extra ‘e’ BTW?!?) and birthed a few ill-advised imitators. Delerium were one such outfit as some dudes from Front Line Assembly smoothed their MO post-“Sadeness” to spit out a few decent singles that appealed to smug urban dwellers. Then, Portishead showed up and everybody glommed on to that for a while. File all this (stuff) under “What would Dead Can Dance do?” and I guarantee that people wouldn’t have danced to “Flowers Become Screens” if Enigma hadn’t come first.

The Gandharvas – Canada’s answer to Blind Melon

This is an example that is entirely based on two tracks: the aforementioned “No Rain” and the Gandharvas’ only major commercial smash, “The First Day of Spring”. May I be so bold as to suggest it’s impossible to like one without liking the other? The vocals, the arrangement, the timing, the clothes. Everything points to YES and everything points to somebody trying to break this London outfit as Canada’s trippy, dippy approximation of Blind Melon. Even better, you could argue that the Gandharvas second biggest track “Downtime” was basically a Canadian take on the Pixies’ earthy classic “Dig for Fire”. So similar, man!

SIANspheric - Canada's answer to My Bloody Valentine and/or Slowdive

Burlington, Ontario shoegazers SIANspheric clearly took notes when listening to their Slowdive and My Bloody Valentine albums, as their mammoth debut Somnium was heavily indebted to these bands in sound, texture and even cover art. That being said, it seems that anybody who was a fan of this album or saw SIANspheric live would contend that they were every bit the equal of their UK forefathers and have subtly released one of the stronger Canadian debut albums in recently memory. But man, the cover art for Somnium looks like a dot matrix equivalent of Loveless.

The Stills - Canada's answer to Interpol

A final example and one that took place right as the record industry was imploding. The Stills were marketed as dark, brooding and influenced by the murky edges of Britpop and Joy Division/the Cure/etc. Essentially, the exact same image that Interpol used to bust out of New York in 2002. Unfortunately, Interpol were kinda drab and their songs didn’t really have legs beyond their year of release IMHO. The math is pretty simple if you extend to the Stills.

Trade Winds: Real Housewives 2.0

Despite their shared loves of spray tans and delusion, Danielle Staub and Camille Grammer are clearly cut from different cloths. The former is a paranoid, tortured soul with a checkered past and a will to make things right (supposedly) for her impressionable daughters. The latter is self-absorbed, spacey and may have a legit personality disorder. That being said, these women are beloved for their ability to ruin dinner parties and play "the victim" as needed--an important skill in Housewives Land. While it appears both are off the Bravo payroll, here is a look at what could transpire if these two troublemakers ever swapped addresses.

... again, not that I care.

The Trade
To The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Camille Grammer
To The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Danielle Staub

The Impact

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
The arrival of this minor TV celebrity causes quite the stir in Jersey, namely amongst Teresa Giudice (who half-heartedly tries to befriend Camille before hurling pasta AT her) and Caroline Manzo (who never addresses Camille without starting each sentence with "Listen, you..."). An appearance by Camille's psychic friend Allison Dubois further fans the flames, with the medium offering bold predictions about future financial woes (and potential jail time) for Teresa's husband Joe and suggesting that the Manzon clan is, in fact, NOT thick as thieves. These words obviously lead to a customary freakout from Teresa (sauce and bruschetta to the floor) and Allison calmly absorbing the action while puffing on her electronic cigarette. All the while, Camille appears confused by the conflict, chalking the entire episode up to jealousy and misunderstanding. An additional story arch will feature Camille and Jacqueline Laurita shopping at Kim D's strip mall boutique, Posche, with Camille purchasing a pair of slacks and a great top.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Upon arrival to her digs deep within the Hollywood Hills, Danielle immediately calls in her wingman "Danny" to keep guard of the place 24/7. After all, she trusts the hell out of him. Unfortunately, she has trouble keeping her nose clean as soon as she ventures on to Rodeo Drive. Verbal fisticuffs ensue with Kyle Richards. Origins unclear. Something about Danielle flashing "bedroom eyes" in the direction of Kyle's man, Mauricio. This triggers shouting match #2,105 between Kim Richards and her arch rival, Taylor Armstrong. When asked about the verbal sparring after the fact, Kim says, "Huh?". Meanwhile, "Danny" spends his downtime casing various multi-million estates and striking up a fast friendship with the frumpy Ken Vanderpump. These odd bedfellows concoct a low level ponzi scheme with "Danny" doing most of the grunt work, due largely to Ken's unwillingness to put his beloved pooch Giggy on the ground for even a second.

Reset: Charity Supergroups of the Eighties

What

In the mid-1980s, something pop musicians liked… no, LOVED to do was…

- organize themselves via the telephone

- gather in large recording studios with plenty of news crews present (often wearing sweaters)

- stand in tiered formations  on carpeted sound stages (all bodies facing the same direction)

- belt out overwrought tunes, often with eyes welled shut and a metric ton of earnestness.

Now, good natured bitchiness aside, the charity supergroup phenomenon no doubt raised millions for those in need (namely, starving Ethiopians) and drew awareness to causes in need of awareness. That’s a good thing. The trend kinda fizzled by the end of the decade, in spite of fine efforts from Voices That Care (featuring an incredible bevy of singing NBA talent plus Kenny G, Orel Hershiser, Fred Savage... it's kind of incredible) and We’re All in the Same Gang (featuring a strangely thuggish Tone-Loc and the last known sighting of JJ Fad).

We’re about due for a renaissance so this reset of USA for Africa, Northern Lights and Band Aid is a great first step. Enjoy!

Components

Too many to list here. See resets below with a few snide remarks for good measure.

Replacement Parts

USA FOR AFRICA

Al Jarreau => Akon

Bette Midler => Queen Latifah

Billy Joel => Bruno Mars

Bob Dylan => Tom Petty

Bob Geldof => Chris Martin (Coldplay)

Bruce Springsteen => Eminem

Cyndi Lauper => Lady Gaga

Dan Aykroyd => Mike Myers

David Paich and Steve Porcaro (Toto) => Andrew VanWyngarden and Benjamin Goldwasser (MGMT)

Diana Ross => Mariah Carey

Dionne Warwick => Mary J Blige
Hall & Oates => 3OH!3

Harry Belafonte => Enrique Iglesias

Huey Lewis and the News => OK Go

Jacksons, The => Backstreet Boys
James Ingram => T-Pain

Jeffrey Osborne => Cee Lo Green

Kenny Loggins => Jason Mraz

Kenny Rogers => Kenny Chesney

Kim Carnes => Sara Bareilles

La Toya Jackson => Ke$ha

Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac) => Rob Thomas

Lionel Richie => Usher

Michael Jackson => Justin Timberlake

Paul Simon => Jack Johnson

Pointer Sisters, The => Black Eyed Peas, The

Quincy Jones => Timbaland

Ray Charles => Randy Newman

Sheila E => P!nk

Smokey Robinson => Maxwell

Steve Perry (Journey) => Patrick Monahan (Train)

Stevie Wonder => John Legend

Tina Turner => Beyonce

Waylon Jennings => Steve Earle

Willie Nelson => Kris Kristofferson

Notes

- The Springsteen/Eminem reset may raise a few eyebrows. But seriously, Eminem probably “speaks” to as many average Americans in 2011 as “The Boss” did back in 1985.

-  The hardest reset may have been the Pointer Sisters. Is there even a popular girl group remaining in this climate? I’ve never really thought about it but after Britney Spears showed up, all the marketing went into creating divas rather than girl groups. Unique! I yearn for Zhane.

- Why did Dan Akroyd sing on this track? He was neither American nor a musician. What a farce!

- The highlight of any music by USA4A 2.0 would no doubt be T-Pain and Akon’s Autotuned contributions. Can you be earnest via Autotune? Doubt it.

NORTHERN LIGHTS, THE

Aldo Nova => Down with Webster

Alfie Zappacosta => Matthew Good

Andy Kim => Steven Page

Anne Murray => Shania Twain
Brian Good (Good Brothers, The) => Dallas Good (Sadies, The)

Bruce Cockburn => Ron Sexsmith

Bryan Adams => Sam Roberts

Burton Cummings (Guess Who, The) => Gord Downie (Tragically Hip, The)

Carole Pope => Tegan and Sara

Catherine O'Hara => Caroline Rhea

Corey Hart => Justin Bieber

Dan Hill => Jann Arden

Eugene Levy => Will Arnett
Frank Mills => Tony Quarrington

Geddy Lee (Rush) => Win Butler (Arcade Fire, The)

Gordon Lightfoot => Robbie Robertson

Jane Siberry => Basia Bulat

John Candy => Seth Rogen

Joni Mitchell => Sarah McLachlan

Kim Mitchell => Colin James

Liberty Silver => Jully Black

Lisa Dalbello => Bif Naked

Lorraine Segato (Parachute Club, The) => Martina Sorbara (Dragonette)

Marc Jordan => Daniel Lanois

Mark Holmes (Platinum Blonde) = Jacob Hoggard (Hedley)

Martha Johnson (Martha + the Muffins) => Emily Haines (Metric)

Mike Reno (Loverboy) => Chad Kroeger (Nickelback)

Murray McLauchlan => City and Colour

Neil Young => Leonard Cohen

Oscar Peterson => Diana Krall

Paul Anka => Matt Dusk

Paul Hyde (Payola$, The) => Carl Newman (New Pornographers, The)

Paul Shaffer => Bob Rock

Ronnie Hawkins => Greg Keelor (Blue Rodeo)

Tom Cochrane => Matt Mays

Tommy Hunter => Paul Brandt

Notes

- Clothes aren’t important but goddam, the original “Tears Are Not Enough” video has at least a dozen seriously questionable fashion choices. Even by mid-Eighties standards. Anne Murray's jumpsuit, for one.

- Metric really are basically an updated version of (Thornhill-own) Martha + the Muffins.

- Am I the only person who got really confused between Aldo Nova and Alta Moda? How the (heck) could “record execs” allow these rather different outfits with basically the same name to appear within mere years of each other. 

- Fun fact: my mom, the L&D nurse, delivered children for two original Northern Lights (Dan Hill and Mark Holmes… or somebody from Platinum Blonde, at least). She also knew Col. Sanders when the chicken dude spent some time in Mississauga during the late Sixties/early Seventies. Seriously.

BAND AID

Adam Clayton and Bono (U2) => Colin Greenwood and Thom Yorke (Radiohead)

Big Country => Mumford and Sons

Bob Geldof => Chris Martin (Coldplay)

Boomtown Rats, The => Kaiser Chiefs

Boy George => Amy Winehouse

Chris Cross and Midge Ure (Ultravox) => Bobby Gillespie and Martin Duffy (Primal Scream)

David Bowie => Mick Jagger

Duran Duran => Take That

George Michael (Wham!) => Taio Cruz

Glenn Gregory and Martyn Ware (Heaven 17) => La Roux

Holly Johnson (Frankie Goes to Hollywood)  => Kele Okereke (Bloc Party)

James "J.T." Taylor and Robert 'Kool' Bell (Kool & The Gang) => Suggs and Mike Barson (Madness)

Jim Kerr (Simple Minds) => Tom Chaplin (Keane)

Jody Watley => Natasha Bedingfield

Keren Woodward (Bananarama) => Geri Halliwell (Spice Girls)

Marilyn => Mika

Paul McCartney => Elvis Costello

Paul Weller => Noel Gallagher

Paul Young => Plan B

Phil Collins => Craig David

Spandau Ballet => Goldfrapp

Status Quo => Stereophonics, The

Sting (The Police) => Seal

Tears for Fears => Muse

Notes

- This was very challenging, since at least 30% of Band Aid was made up of pale white dudes wearing “guyliner”. Not really too many modern day equivalents, at least in the UK.

- David Bowie is kind of impossible to replace. Same with Paul McCartney. The former once sang a song with Mick Jagger and the latter is buddies with Elvis Costello. Hence, the resets although I don’t love either. Other names considered: Robbie Williams, Morrissey, Robert Plant. It’s tough.

- No idea how Kool and the Gang, hailing from the very un-British enclave of New Jersey, got roped into this.

Reset Rating: 5/10

Too much ground to cover with any degree of accuracy. Fun. Neat. But ultimately, flawed.