Special Report: A History of Violence... featuring Saved by the Bell

Violence was always a key ingredient in the maggoty stew that was Saved by the Bell.

The popular late 20th century teen crime-drama detailed the comings and goings at Bayside High School, a fictitious institute in southern California that was populated by various archetypes of the day. The program was very hedonistic and at times, quite lurid. Some Bayside students experimented with drugs. Others were promiscuous. Blackmail was rampart. Loud rock music was everywhere. Students were very fashion forward, with a preference for bright t-shirts, acid washed denim and Zubaz. Nourishment… well, many Bayside students subsisted of low grade hamburgers and French fries. Leadership was a struggle, as principal Richard Belding often engaged in conflict with staff and students. His long running feud with Mr. Tuttle threatened to shake Bayside to its very core.

An aside: The notion of somebody “purchasing” Bayside was a story arch used more than once. I can only speak from my own high school experience but not once was there ever a threat of Thornlea Secondary School being purchased by seedy developers. In the unlikely event this happened, the decision would be made at the Board of Education level whereas at Bayside, it was up to Mr. Belding and a few students to thwart these advances. This was very unrealistic.

Anyway, the point to be made here is that Bayside was clearly an environment that bred violence. Much like the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) and to a lesser degree, Bumfights, the opportunity to review these battles from afar is actually a valuable exercise and a true study of the human condition. Analysis provided below.

Zack Morris versus AC Slater
This was maybe the most fierce and hotly contested rivalry in the history on Bayside. On the one hand, you had a cocky, WASP-y scam artist and on the other, a spry, vascular Latino upstart. Give Zacky Poo credit—he held his own with one of California’s finest high school wrestlers. “Preppy” and “Jerk” are both lucky they didn’t crack their skulls on the cement. I don’t remember the circumstances of Mr. Belding’s get-up but I seem to remember that once his wig came off, all was forgotten (could be wrong here).



Zack Morris versus Screech Powers
Good friends. Better enemies. This was a very tense moment as Screech called Zack on his womanizing ways and blatant disregard for Screech’s “dream” of bedding Lisa. I can see why Screech was upset with “this creep in a stunning wool blazer” but in fairness, Lisa expressed time and again that she wasn’t interested. In fact, she indirectly asked Screech to kill himself more than once. An underrated observation: Screech and Zack were actually a comparable height at this point so coupled with some “nerd rage”, this might’ve actually been a solid tilt if they came to blows.

Zack Morris versus a door
A terrible, terrible piece of entertainment. For a guy famous for breaking the fourth wall, Zack takes things to an idiotic extreme by walking into an INVISIBLE fourth wall and mangling his ACL. The scene seems inprobable and rushed. Also, since when was Zack on the basketball team... or any team?!?

Zack Morris versus Derek Morris
A perverse glimpse into the early days of mobile phones, as father and son chat on their brick phones as radiation leaches into their brain matter. Zack's old man looks a bit like a more handsome David Letterman and I enjoy how the YouTuber who posted this vid titles it "Derek Morris", as if to insinuite that this isn't really Zack's father. The term "Zack Morris phone" may have just been galvinized by this scene.

Mr. Belding versus Rod Belding

Another family fued and (sadly) the second mention of Rod Belding on The Reset Button blog. If you missed it, Rod was Mr. Belding's deadbeat brother and a young man with an appetite for extreme behaviour and "the ladies". Mr. Belding kicks Rod and his Canadian tuxedo out of his school (and assumedly, out of his life) in yet another example of a character who appeared in a single episode and was never, ever acknowledged again.

Special Report: Ten Ideas for Game-based Movies

In honour of the newly minted film based on the board game Battleship (Note: Why is this happening?), here are 10 fresh outlines for other movies based on games.

In reality, none of these are really more or less farfetched than a friggin' Battleship flick.

Pictionnary
Genre: A cheaply produced made-for-TV movie, fishing for a distributor
A clinically shy 'tween decides he is only going to "speak" from now on via drawings on pad and paper. A strange part of this decision is that he carries around an egg timer and assigns time limits to everything he draws. His WASP-y parents (Timothy Busfield and Judith Light ) show concern.

Asshole
Genre: A wacky buddy comedy
Within the halls of a faceless suburban industrial park, two lowly file clerks (Jack Black and Jason Segal) playfully assign themselves the titles of Asshole and Vice Asshole and plot to overthrow their company's President (Steve Martin) and Vice President (Dan Ackroyd). In a sudden and provocative plot twist, the Asshole becomes the Vice President, the Vice Asshole moves down to become the Asshole, the Vice President becomes the Vice Asshole and the President stays the President.

H.O.R.S.E.
Genre: An inspirational sports/action flick
Henry "Horse" Johnson (Terrence Howard) is a down-on-his-luck janitor in Washington DC. The one-time collegiate basketball star was thwarted by knee injuries and "the bottle" and yet through it all, he remains a talented long range shooter. He befriends a local "baller" (Lil' Romeo) heading to Syracuse to play college ball and teaches him about being a man, one swish at a time. The film features a number of ill-advised cameos from obscure NBA role players such as Del Curry, Jason Kapono and Hubert Davis.

Balderdash
Genre: A subtle dark comedy from the UK
A pathological liar (Steve Coogan) spends much of his day making up words, fooling friends and co-workers, and causing everyone to merrily wet themselves with laughter. His frustrated wife (Kelly Macdonald) wonders if her husband feels that LIFE is a game!!! A rival pathological liar from "the wrong side of the tracks" (Jim Jefferies) arrives in town to match wits with our lead, begging the age old question: can you trick a trickster?!?

Red Ass
Genre: A short film from an OCAD student
In this extremelly pretentious student film, a group of young men (metaphorically) throw a tennis ball against a wall, for fear of having the VERY SAME BALL hurled at their buttocks. One unfortunate soul is then subjected to a flogging. Nearby, a group of young girls talk amongst themselves. The film features no dialogue, a lot of interpretive dance and no props or sets. Shot entirely on a Flip camcorder.

Red Rover
Genre: A very suspenseful angst film
In the near future, US border guards are forbidden from using weapons, vehicles or barriers of any kind. In lieu, they are required to rely on sheer will and physicality to protect their border. A leathery Mexican drug lord (Danny Trejo) is shown wringing his hands in delight and aligns a mob of his most trusted mules to inundate Texas with a flood of cocaine and other savoury delights. Standing in his way is an ambitious lead guard (Channing Tatum) who aligns his forces in dramatic fashion—a human chain of hand-holding juicers. The Americans prepare to entrap (and hug) any of the heavies heading their way--a true Mexican standoff! The first mule makes a beeline for El Paso and breaks through the human chain. As part of an understanding, this forces the US to send one of its guards to go live in Mexico. This continues for a while until everybody gets bored and goes home.

Seven Up
Genre: A vapid "Rom Com" gears at suburban teenagers
A selection of self-involved, 20-something New Yorkers (Hilary Duff, Shia LeBeouf and others) experience love and lost in Manhattan. With gentle nods to the occult, wooing takes place via random taps to the skull, with the various characters speculating on who their potential mates are. The rest of the film features tweaked-out shots of the characters transfixed on their Twitter accounts, talking about their clothes, what restaurants they're about to visit and speculating about when Friday will arrive. Michael Keaton collects a pay cheque as “Dad”.

Duck Duck Goose
Genre: An animated Pixar extraveganza!
A lively cartoon that features a wacky assortment of talking ducks (voiced by John Lithgrow, Kristen Schaal, Chris Tucker and others) that adhere to various stereotypes (the hick, the gang banger, the spunky tom boy, the austere father). The fowl find themselves afflicted with a mysterious neurological disorder that turns them into geese. The only cure? Encircle other ducks and then run in opposing circles. Rinse and repeat. Much hilarity ensues. The effort is universally panned by critics and children alike.

Sorry!
Genre: A drug movie
In this art house bait, we are provided a glimpse into the minds of various strangers stuck on a New York commuter train (Chloë Sevigny, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Aubrey Plaza, David Cross, Crispen Glover and others). Much of the film takes place in dream sequences and features the strangers jumping over one another, going down slides, saying to one another, “Hey, sorry!”, etc. It's trippy. Heavily influenced by Gus Van Sant.

Jenga
Genre: A tedious dialogue-fuelled drama
Dallas 2012. Greedy land developers (Chris Cooper, Joan Allen, Jeff Daniels) plot to build the largest freestanding tower on Earth through a very strange construction technique that involves air lifting individual weather-sealed wood planks and piling them one atop of another in an adjacent fashion. A rival developer (Sam Rockwell), looking for a piece of the action, begins to contribute to the process through his own series of orchestrated air lifts. Will the building topple before the planet's stock of individual planks runs out? I dunno but the future of Dallas lies in the balance.

Special Report: TSN: The Movie

It was recently announced that Fox has optioned Those Guys Have All the Fun in hopes of turning it into a "major motion picture". This sprawling (and at times, unreadable) book, detailing the history of the ESPN, doesn't really seem like something you'd need to see on the big screen but it's really no more or no less scriptworthy than Moneyball so anything is possible, I suppose. BTW, an early suggestion? Kevin Kline as Keith Olbermann? See what I did there, girlfriend.  

Personally, if I were CTV, I'd run some interference and make a poorly acted made-for-TV movie about the first quarter century of TSN. They are "Canada's sports leader", after all. Some of the items I'd like to see depicted include...
- The genesis of TSN's unique "spotlight" logo
- Some salacious tales of mischief at Don Leslie-Eglinton
- Why did every dude in my high school seem to own a TSN sports bag?
- More information about Darren Dutchshyn striking a groom at his own wedding. Did this really happen and why wasn't it a bigger story?!?
- More about the First Choice Superchannel Three Pack. It's an exciting new offer.

Here are some thoughts on who could play 15 of the biggest superstars of the TSN era:
Darren Dutchyshen => Chris Klein
Gord Miller => Ed Lynch
James Cybulski => Jason Patric
Jennifer Hedger => Jeri Ryan
Jim Hughson => Craig Kilborn
Jim Van Horne => Jeff Foxworthy
John Wells => a middle aged Jackie Mason
Lisa Bowes => Helen Hunt
Michael Landsberg => a middle aged James Woods
Michael Wallen => Fred Willard
Mike Toth => Christopher Knight
Paul Romanuk => Kevin Pollak
Rod Black => a young Harry Reemes
Teresa Hergert => Illeana Douglas
Vic Rauter => Jeff Hutcheson

Sadly, we weren't able to come to terms with a fake Gino Reda.

Special Report: Canadian Musical Copycats 2.0

For an explanation to how this “game” works (… and remember, LIFE is a game), read here.

Two. Point. Oh. Regulators!!!!

Images in Vogue – Canada’s answer to the Psychedelic Furs
There are probably a dozen other UK outfits that you could sub in for the Furs—Ultravox might be a good alternative. And yet whatever the causality, the early Images in Vogue singles seemed to be written by template, taking cues (and liberties) from the British New Wave of the age and ensuring that every last key and every last ounce of melodrama aligned perfectly with whatever was spilling out of the Motherland. “Lust for Love” especially sounds like the finest Furs’ song never recorded and when you contemplate Richard Butler’s love of aping David Bowie, you can establish a very nice continuum twice removed.

Alfie Zappacosta – Canada’s answer to Steve Perry
The Eighties were a good… no, a great time for homely looking dudes who were brimming with confidence and weren’t afraid to grow out their hair into a nasty poof of flaxen locks. Ex-Journey singer Steve Perry was one. Toronto’s Alfie Zappacosta was another. And by another, I mean another Steve Perry. “We Should Be Lovers” has to be in the Top Five of videos where the song is completely inconsistent with the visuals. The clip features a Jello wrestling motif and our hero making out with some androgynous lady (guy?) wearing a modified do rag and puffing away on a cigarette holder. It’s pretty dire. Also, pervy move by Alfie, sniffing that girl's shirt.

Candi and the Backbeat – Canada’s answer to Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
This… I mean, this was SOOOO blatant. And if the aesthetic similarity between these bands weren’t obvious enough (see image above), Candi and friends released a song called “Under the Latin Moon” as their first track, maybe in efforts to deflect the epicentre of offensive, vaguely-Latino Top 40 from Miami to Toronto. It didn’t work. Unrelated, the Candi drunk driving PSA, featuring a stiff flatlining, was tremendous and completely ineffective.  I mean, why would anybody take this sobering advice from somebody who didn’t even have a last name?!?

Tom Cochrane – Canada’s answer to John Cougar Mellencamp
This suggestion is bound to miff Red Rider completists. And I’m OK with that. Slowly but surely, Tom Cochrane (TC) morphed from a pig-faced, Floyd-acknowledging rocker into a gruff, rootsy rocker, along the lines of John Cougar Mellencamp (JCM). TC’s metamorphosis was complete when he wore a tassled suede jacket in the “Life is a Highway” video.

Jr Gone Wild – Canada’s answer to The Replacements
The career arcs of Edmonton’s Jr Gone Wild and Minnesota’s Replacements are startlingly similar...
* Phase I: Thrash bands who played a lot of hardcore punk rock shows even though neither outfit were truly a hardcore punk rock band
* Phase II: College rock bands that refined their original sound and created music that was catchy enough to attract the ears of Co-eds but gritty  enough to distance itself from anything on commercial radio
* Phase III:  AAA-type bands in their golden years. The Replacements imploded amid personality conflicts with Nirvana borrowing from the band’s image (and getting paid for it). Jr Gone Wild poured on the country towards the end with Wilco borrowing from the band’s image (and getting paid for it). 

Mystery Machine – Canada’s answer to Sunny Day Real Estate
Yeah. Lots of expressive guitars. Wordy vocals. Northwestern roots. Solid but kind of forgettable bands overall. Although there is a small core of individuals (I know at least two) who suggest that Mystery Machine were the premiere Canadian band of the Nineties. “Wake Up Pill” was a strong track. 

Sum 41 – Canada’s answer to blink-182
The naming convention alone makes this a no brainer, since Sum 41 blew up in the wake of blink-182’s popular “mall punk” sound. In comparison, Sum 41 seemed more bratty and honestly, blink-182 had some serious songwriting chops if you ask me. “Adam’s Song” was kind of awesome.

The Salads – Canada’s answer to 311
The strange thing about the Salads is that they were essentially a dead ringer for 311 and yet showed up several years after 311 had already crested commercially. I supposed loud frat boy party tunes never really go out of style (at least amongst loud frat boys) but this positioning seemed way to obvious, even in the moment. We’re not dealing with the most refined pallet here but still…. BTW, The Salads is an awful band name. Without checking, I assume they call themselves The Salads because they blend lots of musical styles together, much like a salad blends lots of vegetables together. Not good.

Alice Glass – Canada’s answer to Karen O
This is a study of where the artists align in a physical sense, if not a sonic sense. As an observer, it would seem that Alice Glass from Toronto’s Crystal Castles took more than a bit of inspiration from Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. And it’s quite possible considering (A) the Castles broke 4-5 years after the YYYs did and (B) their hair is similar. Other similarities include leather, heavy eye shadow, Converse sneakers, a penchant for jumping into crowds (and flailing about once there) and deadpan expressions. Interestingly, the Crystal Castles and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs have actually inched closer to one another soundwise too, especially since the last Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ full-length, It’s Blitz!, was bathed in kind of aggressive electronics that the Castles specialize in.

Jully Black “Seven Day Fool” – Canada’s answer to Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black
From what I know about Jully Black, she seems like a pretty cool chick. She doesn’t take herself too seriously. She seems to put a lot of heart into what she does. But holy hell—Black releasing “Seven Day Fool” mere months after Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black album blew up was clearly the work of somebody trying to "make bank" on a trend. “Seven Day Fool” was incongruent with anything that Black had released prior… and pretty congruent with about half the tracks on Back to Black. The video didn’t help. It’s hard to judge the song on its own merits since it was birthed in the shadow of something that was entirely fresh at the time and yet in its own way, completely regressive (in some ways) to Sixties’ girl groups, early Eighties’ ska and a bunch of other styles. It is messy analogy but one based on ton of evidence.

Special Report: Toronto: War of the Wards

The concept is a MAJOR motion picture about the Toronto City Council circa 2011.

Working title => Toronto: War of the Wards

The movie would be a “dramedy” and feature plenty of mean spirited political humour, just a sprinkle of misogyny and a few key shots of the sun coming up over Nathan Phillips Square.  The ensemble cast would be divided between “The Insiders” (current Council members) and “The Outsiders” (various non-Council influencers). For the sake of continuity, there would be 10 of each.

In a pivotal scene, fake Rob Ford would engage in fisticuffs with an angry cluster from the Toronto Cyclists Union. The action cumulates with fake Rob hurling a 10 speed in their general direction, quipping, “Speak only when spoke-n, too.”

Riveting.

Another primary objective of the film would be to intertwine generations of Toronto civic leaders. This is largely a device to get fake Mel Lastman some screen time.

The Cast

The Insiders: Nobody REALLY knows what goes on inside of Toronto’s city council. …. Actually, yes they do--here is a full archive of meetings and minutes. Anyway, let’s not kid ourselves—the Council is a combative, combustible clash of egos and things always get blustery with mayor Rob Ford at the eye of the tornado. Best sit back, hold on tight and (try to) enjoy the ride.

1. Adam Vaughan => Adam Clayton (in a rare acting role)
2. Denzil Minnan-Wong => Fred Armisen
3. Doug Ford => Eric Stonestreet
4. Frances Nunziata => Joan Baez (I repeat, in a rare acting role)
5. Giorgio Mammoliti => Joe Rogan
6. Gord Perks => Gary Sinese
7. Karen Stintz => Maria Bello
8. Mary Fragedakis => Sofia Milos
9. Mike Layton => Topher Grace
10. Rob Ford => Philip Seymour Hoffman

The Outsiders:  A seasonal blend of chair people, critics and ex-heavyweights, each Outsider stirs the pot in his or her own unique way. And when they say “too many cooks spoil the broth”, picture one of these ne’er-do-wells in traditional kitchen whites.

1. Adam Giambrone => Wil Wheaton
2. Barbara Hall => Janis Ian (I repeat, in a rare acting role)
3. Bill Blair => Christopher Walken
4. Bob Kinnear => Stephen Baldwin
5. David Miller => John Slattery
6. George Smitherman => Larry Miller
7. Joe Pantalone => Tony Sirico
8. Mel Lastman => Billy Crystal
9. Paul Godfrey => Harvey Keitel
10. Stephen Ledrew => Stanley Tucci

Special Report: Ten Non-Goth Goth Songs

This is a definition of "gothic rock" from our friends over at Wikipedia. Thanks!

Gothic rock takes the guitar and synthesizer sounds of post-punk and uses them to construct "foreboding, sorrowful, often epic soundscapes". According to music journalist Simon Reynolds, standard musical fixtures of the genre include "scything guitar patterns, high-pitched basslines that often usurped the melodic role; beats that were either hypnotically dirgelike or 'tribal'". Reynolds described the vocal style as consisting of "deep, droning alloys of Jim Morrison and Leonard Cohen". Many goth bands use drum machines that do not stress the back beat in the rhythm. Also, they tend to play the flanging guitar effect, producing a brittle, cold, and harsh sound that contrasted with their psychedelic rock predecessors. Gothic rock typically deals with dark themes addressed through lyrics and the music atmosphere. The poetic sensibilities of the genre led gothic rock lyrics to exhibit literary romanticism, morbidity, religious symbolism, and/or supernatural mysticism.

Ok, fair enough. So this covers the Cure, Bauhaus, the Birthday Party, Sisters of Mercy, etc. But what about the first Sinead O'Connor album? Kinda sorrowful and kinda epic if you ask me. What about Godspeed You! Black Emperor? In the late Nineties, nobody was making soundscapes like these super serious Montrealers. PLUS they sang about a wallet full of blood. A wallet full!

Also, into the conversation, you need to add the Smashing Pumpkins, the Stranglers, Screamin' Jay Hawkins, Johnny Cash, Grace Slick (enjoyed making scary faces at the camera), the Rapture, Warpaint, Sarah McLachlan, Helium. And how about Enya? By definition, Enya could be considered goth as (heck)!

The point of this hyperbole is that in a sea of ridiculously vague musical subgenres, few are as ridiculous as "gothic rock". And to help burst the bubble of thousands of suburban white kids clad in black dusters, here is a list of ten non-goth goth songs. Prove me wrong!

“A Song for Europe” by Roxy Music

Bryan Ferry straddles the line between creepy and goth on “A Song for Europe”, an early indication that Roxy Music had way (slightly?) more depth than the topless females on their album covers would indicate. A disjointed eulogy to the continent, Ferry growls and brays his way through the lyrics, rhyming “sorrow” and “no tomorrow” (pretty goth!!) , and sounding positively bummed throughout. Bonus points for the bizarre outro that features Ferry scatting in Latin and French—hey, he’s bummed so cut him some slack. The finest song that Nick Cave never wrote.

“(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult

What’s not to like/fear about “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper”: unsettling guitar riffs, emotionless vocals, lyrics that talk about dying AND that dastardly SOB, “the reaper”. That’s messed up! Blue Oyster Cult never came close to matching the commercial success of this 1976 downer and yet they continue to make bread on the casino circuit, chugging away and busting out this track that could easily be filed as the first true goth rock song IMHO.


"In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins

Who knew this annoying bald dude could pen such a dark, dour number … and get props from such known haters as Nas and Eminem in the process. Phil Collins’ minor key masterstroke was recorded over 30 years ago but holds up IMHO and in fact, becomes more and more spooky as the world continues to move away from analog. May I be so bold as to suggest that given the song was recorded in 1979, it easily could’ve taken off a small amount of its studio sheen and slotted nicely on to Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures. Sounds ridiculous but seriously, I don’t think it’s so farfetched. The video is equally as terrifying: a prolonged close up of Phil Collins’ face(!!)

“Edge of Seventeen” by Stevie Nicks

Stevie Nicks always had a bit of a Wiccan edge to her and she brought this side of her coked-out self to the mainstream on “Edge of Seventeen”, anchored by its trademark guitar riff and Nicks’ mournful lyrics about death and dying. For years, I thought this was a Concrete Blonde track, which is ridiculous considering Nicks’ trademark howl is amongst the most recognizable in rock music. Sadly, the song became slightly less goth when Destiny’s Child decided to sample it for “Bootylicious”. Jelly goth.


"Feeling Gravitys Pull" by R.E.M.

This track is most memorable for the disjointed guitar work of Peter Buck that kicked off R.E.M.’s difficult third full-length, Fables of the Reconstruction. “Feeling Gravitys Pull” still sounded like R.E.M. but also sounded a bit… off. Steep in a vague exploration of the mythology of the South (if you believe Wikipedia, anyway), this is one of the more creepy cuts from the R.E.M. discography and grows more and more obtuse on repeat listens. It sounds like a band trying to reclaim its edge by throwing spooky stuff into the works, even though the fop-haired mid-Eighties Michael Stipe was a massive wimp and would look like a complete tool in a black trench coat.

"The Ledge" by the Replacements

Minneapolis might not strike the average listener as a very goth city but there is something pretty unsettling about this 1987 number from the Replacements. Paul Westeberg and friends seem like the type of band who'd prefer to injure goths rather than serenade them. And yet the despondent chord structure and lyricism of "The Ledge" is filled with plenty of angst and isn’t too far removed from The Mission and bands of this ilk. After all, “The Ledge” is not only about ledges—it’s about people who are looking to jump off ledges. Unfortunately, the tune looses a few points for mentioning donuts. Maybe they’re blood-filled donuts. It doesn’t specify.

"Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson

“Thriller” is not goth so don’t go there, girlfriend! But maybe, just maybe, this somewhat-forgotten single from Bad is. “Dirty Diana” is supposedly about a groupie gone bad. So in MJ's case, it's about a bratty 8-year old boy. It’d be hard for MJ’s massive vocals to pull off a legit goth track but with some help from Billy Idol's guitar player Steve Stevens, he gave it his best shot on "Dirty Diana". If this ever ended up in the hands of Peter Murphy or Gavin Friday, there would be some serious potential for some minor key madness.

"Come Undone" by Duran Duran

It’s pretty amazingly that an antiquated act like Duran Duran struck commercial gold in 1993, given the tastes of the day veered strongly towards flannel and gansta rap. Maybe it’s because the band used a few delicious droplets of goth to build out “Come Undone”, a sultry, sleezy ode to… um, coming undone. It’s certainly way more pop than goth. But still—the vocals and guitar set a sinister tone. Plus the video is pretty badass, as there are few things more goth than sea turtles and crustaceans.

"Here With Me" by Dido

Very similar in sound and feel to the aforementioned Duran Duran track, the debut single from Dido is urban and haunting and textured. Her audience may have been largely teenage girls but whatever the case, Dido took a page from Sarah McLachlan and created a Top 20 smash that was both memorable and just a bit sinister—a tough double play to pull off. Unfortunately, the marketing machine behind Dido never gave her a chance to become a hero to the pale teenagers in black nail polish, considering she looked more like a 12-year old boy than a banshee.

"Hometown Glory" by Adele

This song should be considering goth if only due to the fact that is rallying against one’s hometown is practically a national pastime in the Goth Nation (GN). I blame society. Again, Adele doesn’t look the part but her sense of drama and dynamics (and her love of black clothing) could render her a goth icon if she was spun a bit differently. Instead, she got a bit too soulful and is now selling out hockey arenas. Oh well. Liz Fraser would have a field day with this cut. Hometowns suck.

Special Report: Canadian Musical Copycats 1.0

There is no denying that art influences art. As one of the finest (and most shallow) thinkers of our time once quipped: What is art? Are we art? Is art art?

This fact has never been lost on cagey record labels and A&R types, who tend to focus on artists who seem familiar rather than those who don't. Nowhere was this more apparent than in Canada during the latter third of the 20th century, when a great many of the Canadian artists you'd hear on the radio were essentially the domestic counterparts of popular favourites from the United States or UK. Sometimes, the lines drawn were completely superficial and had little to do with how the music actually sounded. They had more to do with pants and lighting and hair and sunglasses.

Example: the video for I Mother Earth "So Gently We Go". The clip seemingly was influenced by the videos for Temple of the Dog "Hunger Strike" and Blind Melon "No Rain"--in retrospect, 1992-1994 was a watershed time for "Hey, look at us! We’ve set up our instruments in a field!" music videos. Now, not only was I Mother Earth similar to these other bands in their desire to crouch in long grass, they were also similar in their look and appearance: reasonably good looking white guys in hemp necklaces and considerable haircuts. But otherwise, these three outfits were pretty different in terms of how they sounded. I Mother Earth were friggin' heavy when they wanted to be. Blind Melon were quirky and poppy, almost veering into Violent Femmes territory at times. Temple of the Dog were austere and earnest. But the end game was the same: Canadian fans of Temple of the Dog and Blind Melon now had a new band to enjoy with minimal effort and transition. Again, purely from a superficial level since they'd never even consider getting into I Mother Earth if they looked like the guys in Poison. This was 1994.

Canadian popular music history is wrack with these kind of case studies but to be fair, it works both ways.

One could suggest that Toronto's Fifth Column helped pave the way (and mold the template) for the unbathed ladies of Bikini Kill, Huggy Bear and much of the Riot Girl movement, considering their roots go back to the early Eighties. As an aside, Fifth Column had a tune called "The Fairview Mall Story" about a gay police shakedown that took place at this North York shopping plaza during the mid-Eighties. It was rather exciting to hear people singing about Fairview (in spite of the subject matter) since I grew up five minutes away. I only wish Hayden, Poledo or the Scam Artists could've written a tune about the much maligned Thornhill Square during its heyday. Hot Diggity Dog, Key Nook--we will never, EVER forget you.

Likewise, the Germs (or at least their brain dead singer, Darby Crash) were basically a SoCal version of what Steve "Nazi Dog" Leckie and the Viletones were doing up north months prior. However, one could also argue that both these numbskulls were just taking Iggy Pop's shtick and putting a regional spin on something that wasn't theirs to begin with.

So yeah, both ways but moreso Canada aping elsewhere. Here are 10 life-altering proof points. All “net new”.

Lighthouse - Canada's answer to Chicago

To be honest, this is based entirely upon a decade long confusion between "Saturday in the Park" and "Sunny Days". Turns out both tunes were released in 1972 and both outfits put out their debut full-length in 1969. I'm going to plead ignorance on this since I wasn't ever born when this was all going down.

Dalbello - Canada's answer to Cyndi Lauper

OK, this is more like it and similar to the I Mother Earth/Temple of the Dog/Blind Melon example from earlier. Lisa Dalbello seemed to be cultivating an image that was very similar to Cyndi Lauper, with bits of Siouxsie Sioux thrown in for good measure. But sound-wise, miles apart. Lauper was Top 40 all the way, focusing on party tunes and big ballads. Dalbello was more obscure, sounding like a less theatrical version of Kate Bush or Grace Jones with hooks awash in the overproduced, synth-heavy style of the times. Unrelated, Dalbello's "Tango" is a candidate for most ridiculous-yet-awesome track of 1987.  She is also somewhat foxy in the facial department. I mean, she looks a bit like a fox.

Doug and the Slugs - Canada's answer to Huey Lewis and the News

Sweaty, brash bar bands with gregarious everymen out front. This one is way, way too obvious. The late Doug Bennett never had the chiselled good looks of Huey Lewis but that didn't stop he and his Slugs from capitalizing on the... Wikipedia update: Many of the Slugs' biggest hits actually hit before the News had their first Billboard Top 10 smash. So perhaps the climate was just right for blue collar rock bands that appealed to factory workers who enjoyed a solid pop hook but found the Cars and Cheap Trick "too weird". Let's go with that.

Kon Kan - Canada's answer to the Pet Shop Boys

This is interesting. Based on marketing alone, you’d think Kon Kan were positioned to be Canada’s answer to the Pet Shop Boys: two dudes—one out front delivering deadpan vocals with the other in back, messing around with a synthesizer and seemingly the “brains” of the operation. Often while wearing a hat. Um, this sounds like Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe to a tee, no? And yet in sound and composition, one could argue that Kon Kan were more akin to M|A|R|R|S or the Timelords, since all three outfits managed to score mainstream hits with quirky sampling and dance beats, effectively predating the whole early 00s mash-up craze by over a decade. Interesting indeed and I still think “I Beg Your Pardon (I Never Promised You a Rose Garden)” is one of the more bizarre singles to ever make the Canadian Top 20.

Sheree – Canada’s answer to Taylor Dayne

I seriously hope there was a meeting at BMG’s Canadian HQ in the late Eighties where some skeevy dude with a ponytail uttered, “Find me Canada’s Taylor Dayne. Pronto!” Or something like that. It’s one of the only plausible explanations as to why Sheree (not to be mistaken with Sheree) got signed. In fairness, Taylor Dayne was kind huge at the time so it was a calculated risk. But it both instances, it showed that sassy blondes often have a limited shelf life in the music business, with the possible exception of Edgar Winter.

Bootsauce - Canada's answer to the Red Hot Chili Peppers

An embarrassment on multiple levels, Bootsauce might be the ultimate Canadian copycat example of the last quarter century. For those not hip to the scene, Bootsauce were a group of funky customers from Montreal who were barfed out on to Much Music in the early Nineties, après the success of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Jane’s Addiction and other groovy rock bands featuring shirtless dudes playing slap bass. These guys were super annoying and yet scored a few mid-sized hits, namely  a cover of Hot Chocolate’s “Everyone’s a Winner”. Luckily, they had zero staying power while the Peppers quickly veered into M.O.R. territory by the late Nineties. Lesser of two evils?

Delerium - Canada's answer to Enigma

The concept of blending beats, Gregorian chants and classical is still pretty obtuse by today’s standards but also completed dated considering the notion enjoyed its commercial peak close to two decades ago. Enigma pioneered this sound with their creepy 1990 smash “Sadeness” (what’s with the extra ‘e’ BTW?!?) and birthed a few ill-advised imitators. Delerium were one such outfit as some dudes from Front Line Assembly smoothed their MO post-“Sadeness” to spit out a few decent singles that appealed to smug urban dwellers. Then, Portishead showed up and everybody glommed on to that for a while. File all this (stuff) under “What would Dead Can Dance do?” and I guarantee that people wouldn’t have danced to “Flowers Become Screens” if Enigma hadn’t come first.

The Gandharvas – Canada’s answer to Blind Melon

This is an example that is entirely based on two tracks: the aforementioned “No Rain” and the Gandharvas’ only major commercial smash, “The First Day of Spring”. May I be so bold as to suggest it’s impossible to like one without liking the other? The vocals, the arrangement, the timing, the clothes. Everything points to YES and everything points to somebody trying to break this London outfit as Canada’s trippy, dippy approximation of Blind Melon. Even better, you could argue that the Gandharvas second biggest track “Downtime” was basically a Canadian take on the Pixies’ earthy classic “Dig for Fire”. So similar, man!

SIANspheric - Canada's answer to My Bloody Valentine and/or Slowdive

Burlington, Ontario shoegazers SIANspheric clearly took notes when listening to their Slowdive and My Bloody Valentine albums, as their mammoth debut Somnium was heavily indebted to these bands in sound, texture and even cover art. That being said, it seems that anybody who was a fan of this album or saw SIANspheric live would contend that they were every bit the equal of their UK forefathers and have subtly released one of the stronger Canadian debut albums in recently memory. But man, the cover art for Somnium looks like a dot matrix equivalent of Loveless.

The Stills - Canada's answer to Interpol

A final example and one that took place right as the record industry was imploding. The Stills were marketed as dark, brooding and influenced by the murky edges of Britpop and Joy Division/the Cure/etc. Essentially, the exact same image that Interpol used to bust out of New York in 2002. Unfortunately, Interpol were kinda drab and their songs didn’t really have legs beyond their year of release IMHO. The math is pretty simple if you extend to the Stills.