Some franchises move cities and yet cling to monikers that make little sense outside the radius of their former homes. Others get pressured by fundamentalists and other wimps to change names that are deemed too violent or in a moronic case outlined below, too EVIL.
Some are racist and outdated. Others are just confusing, awkward, lame and various other shades of terrible.
Here are 10 such names that should be switched pronto.
Utah Jazz => Salt Lake City Apostles
Easily the most disjointed name in team sports. This must stop NOW and if needed, David Stern could offer the Jazz monicker back to New Orleans (although I kinda like their existing name of "the Hornets" for some reason). Mormons is the obvious replacement but Apostles has a bit more of an edge to it and is way vaguer in the religious sense. Local scribes could have a lot of fun depicted games as battles of good against evil, and ownage on the hardwood could be referred to as "teachings" by the play-by-play crew.
Los Angeles Lakers => Los Angeles Millionaires
Another displaced atrocity of a name. Los Angeles borders on an ocean. They have the glorious Los Angeles River. But they don’t have significant lakes of any kind (Silver Lake doesn’t count). And yet owners chose to keep the Lakers name when they moved from Minnesota in 1960 and managed to become iconic in the process. A lot has changed in the past half century. Accordingly, is there a name more appropriate for an LA-based group of ballers than the Millionaires? A hard reality both in fact and attitude, the Lakers already have a collective bullseye on them in each city they visit so why not ratchet the swag up another few notches with this in-yo-face team name?
Memphis Grizzlies => Memphis Stax
The third and final NBA squad in the let's-move-the-team-but-keep-the-team-name-even-though-it-loses-any-geographical-relevance saga, the mental image of a 800 lb. grizzly bear lumbering around Tennessee is wrong and ridiculous. I'd go with Stax instead for a few reasons. First, it's a tribute to Stax Records, the celebrated mid-20th century record label that introduced Otis Redding to the world. Second, it has a nice parallel to other team names ending in "X" such as the White Sox and the Red Sox. Third, Stax just sounds tall. Like items stacked upon one another. This is wonderful.
Tampa Bay Rays => Tampa Bay Beaches
The Rays lost a lot of bite when they ceased to be called the Devil Rays after the 2007 campaign--a completely gutless move, aimed at appeasing religious types who I suppose didn't want any causal relationship between Evan Longoria and Beelzebub. Tampa Bay Rays sounds awful. Plus it rhymes, so it needs to get axed. Tampa Bay Beaches has a nice ring to it and is geographically accurate. And the best part: they could nickname Tropicana Field "the sand box". Roll THAT one around on your tongue a bit.
Dallas Stars => Dallas Lone Stars
A slight amendment to a name that should've been fixed properly when the team moved from Minnesota in 1993... there is a pattern emerging with bad team names originating in Minnesota BTW. I don't even like the name the Lone Stars but it's far less blasé than simply "the Stars". Also, this blandness extends to the Toronto dream pop band of the same name although somehow, I find the name "Stars" far less boring than if they were called "the Stars" for some reason.
Minnesota Wild => Minnesota²
The Wild is a wildly bad name for a pro sports franchise and makes little sense on multiple levels. No less absurd is a dorky spin on the Minnesota Twins name that is at least mildly interesting in addition to being wildly impractical for marketing purposes, etc. Mathematically speaking, it's also problematic since you would never have the need (or want) to multiply Minneapolis by Saint Paul. Semantics aside, an alternative would be the Deuce, the Double Dip or the Twosome. Alternatively, they could just become the Minnesota Sami-Americans (or "The Sammies"). Which leads us to...
Winnipeg Jets => Winnipeg Regenerators ("The Reggies")
The first of two overly long team names that could be shortened into extreme sports glory!!! Yes, Winnipeg returning to the NHL with a team called the Regenerators would be entirely dated after their first full season back. But I dunno... the Reggies just sounds cool so maybe credit a clever bit of double entendre, referring to former Winnipeg Blue Bomber pivot (and BLT lookalike) Reggie Slack. Otherwise, there has to be concern with bad karma stemming from the Jets name.
Washington Redskins => Washington Representatives ("The Reps")
#offensiveteamnames. It's a wonder that this name has managed to stem the tide of this PC age, especially playing the shadows of the White House. Likewise…. Far less contentious would be the Representatives. Yes, it's a bit clumsy and a bit vague. But you could shorten it to "The Reps" and it could refer to both the House of Representatives or the fact that they're representing the civil servants, file clerks and deadbeat dads of DC out on the gridiron.
Colorado Avalanche => Colorado Elevators
Naming your squad after extreme weather is lame. The Hurricanes, the Lightning, the obscure Tacoma Tsunami. It seldom works plus you run the risk of marginalizing the loved ones of people struck by lightning, blown away by hurricanes, etc. The Colorado Avalanche is another offender so an alternative is the Elevators, referring largely to the thin air of Denver. Bonus points for a quality abbreviated name ("The Eles") and the potential for some nifty newspaper headlines (i.e. "A season of ups and downs for the Elevators", "The Eles give the Red Wings the shaft").
New Jersey Nets => Brooklyn's Finest
I won't take credit for this. Bill Simmons has already gone to bat for the switch, to take hold upon the Nets' move to Brooklyn. Very much related, mad respect to Big Poppa.
