Reset: The Usual Suspects

What

Can I say something? The Usual Suspects is an overrated movie. It’s true. The poster is solid. The characters are all good to very good. But the story is just kind of convoluted and flat. It’s typical heist-run-amuck fare, with some snappy dialogue and references to the devil to give things a bit of an edge. Very much of a time and place, and not something that has aged well IMHO. The ending is good but likewise, has been blown out of proportion as being amongst the finest twists in cinematic history. It’s unfortunate because the ending is pretty solid but unless you saw the movie in its first week of release, you probably went in seeding with the “Ooh, the ending is SOOO amazing” card and then the reality is kinda underwhelming. Anything would be. Ultimately, watching The Usual Suspects is like trying to enjoy lunch at the Village on the Grange food court. It comes with a strong word-of-mouth from artsy types but ultimately, you’ll realize it’s not all that memorable and you end up getting yelled at by the owner of Karine’s. But again, the poster is solid and makes for perfect fodder, to reset the five primary leads.

Components

Stephen Baldwin as Michael McManus 

Gabriel Byrne as Dean Keaton 

Benicio Del Toro as Fred Fenster 

Kevin Pollak as Todd Hockney 

Kevin Spacey as Roger 'Verbal' Kint 

Replacement Parts

Stephen Baldwin => Matthew Lillard as Michael McManus 

Somebody who does wacky and manic well is needed in this role and although he’s kinda fallen off the face of the earth, this could be a vehicle to put Nineties teen slasher fave Matthew Lillard back in the public eye. Please recall he pulls off a wide range of exaggerated facial expressions and mouth gapes like it’s nobody’s business.   

Also considered: Christopher Titus 

Gabriel Byrne => Clive Owen as Dean Keaton 

Love this swap. One cool, collected dude for another. Owen could play around with accents, practice looking conflicted, carry his trench coat while folding his arms (easier said than done) and grow his hair out a bit. It’ll be great.

Also considered: Vincent Cassel

Benicio Del Toro => John Leguizamo as Fred Fenster 

It’s a shame that the career of John Leguizamo never really went to the next level. The dude has/had some seriously range and never runs the risk of being type cast, since he’s played such a myriad of roles during his long career. Guess he’s resigned to being a career “character actor”, which actually makes him a pretty good fit here.

Kevin Pollak => Jeremy Renner as Todd Hockney 

A bit of a curveball but I’m confident that the versatile Renner could connect as the snide, sardonic Todd Hockney. Figured another comedian would be the logical fit but then Pollak played things pretty straight here. So eff that, man.

Kevin Spacey => Paul Giamatti as Roger 'Verbal' Kint 

An example of a reset that begat an entire post. If this movie were made fresh today, Giamatti CLEARLY would play the gimpy Roger Klint with a lot of slack jawed pinache. And then the one-time “Pig Vomit” would wow the audience by walking upright at the end… while smoking a cigarette! Heady stuff indeed.

Reset Rating: 7.5/10

Solid. Unspectacular. Ends with a flourish. Kind of like this movie.

Reset: Major League Baseball Post Season Format (NHL and/or NFL edition)

Please don’t read unless you’re a fan of Major League Baseball. It’s a wee bit nerdy otherwise.

What

It’s seems inevitable that Major League Baseball (MLB) is going to be allowing additional teams into the post season. As early as 2012 or shortly thereafter. The most likely scenario is an additional Wild Card team in each league, cumulated in the two Wild Card teams duking it out in the first round and then advancing to a league Final Four with the three divisional winners. The logic is to bring more prestige and importance to winning one’s division, plus the all-important advancement of revenue streams ( popcorn sales, etc). I think this logic is flawed, short-sighted… and racist! Firstly, MLB has always victimized itself on its own traditions and it is laughable that modern fare such as the designated hitter, expanded rosters and divisional realignment has continually entered into the equation on policy change. Seriously, does anybody really have any emotional connection to the twin league, three divisions per league format that MLB currently enjoys?!? It only goes back to 1995 plus it’s completely skewed considering one of the divisions (the NL Central) has six teams and one has only four (the AL West). So racist! So wrong!

Personally, I’d open the flood gates and allow up to eight more teams into the post season, shortening each non-World Series round to Best-of-Fives to combat scheduling and weather concerns, and creating an s-load of important September games in the process. Teams that have clinched berths can jockey for potential byes and home field advantage while small market teams can vie for the last few seeds. It would be very exciting and far, far less racist. 

Divisional realignment notwithstanding, here is a taste of what the last two post seasons would look like if MLB adopted post season models comparable to the National Hockey League (two conferences, six divisions, eight play-off teams per conference, no byes) or the National Football League(two conferences, eight divisions, six play-off teams per conference, two byes per conference).

Clearly, this is just scheming to somehow get the Toronto Blue Jays back in the post season. At any cost. I’m Ok with this. After all, the Roger Centre (ne: SkyDome, the World’s Greatest Entertainment Centre) was once “the place to be”.

Components

See the breakdown below, including the hypothetical top three starting pitchers that each team would have fielded for these action-packed Best-of-Fives. Since honestly I don’t feel like trying to realign the divisions, let’s assume status quo on the six divisions for now.

Replacement Parts

The 2010 MLB Season

NHL Post Season Model – American League

Oakland Athletics (8) – Cahill, Gonzalez, Anderson @ Tampa Bay Rays (1) – Price, Garza, Shields

Toronto Blue Jays (7) – Marcum, Romero, Morrow @ Minnesota Twins (2) – Liriano, Pavano, Duensing

Chicago White Sox (6) – Danks, Floyd, Buerhle @ Texas Rangers (3) – Lee, Wilson, Lewis

Boston Red Sox (5) – Lester, Buchholz, Beckett @ New York Yankees (4) – Sabathia, Hughes, Pettitte

NHL Post Season Model – National League

Florida Marlins (8) – Johnson, Sanchez, Nolasco @ Philadelphia Phillies (1) – Halladay, Oswalt, Hamels

Colorado Rockies (7) – Jimenez, Chacin, de la Rosa @ San Francisco Giants (2) – Lincecum, Cain, Sanchez

St Louis Cardinals (6) – Wainwright, Carpenter, Garcia @ Cincinnati Reds (3) – Arroyo, Cueto, Wood

San Diego Padres (5) – Latos, Richard, Garland @ Atlanta Braves (4) – Hudson, Hanson, Lowe

NFL Post Season Model – American League

First round byes: Tampa Bay Rays and Minnesota Twins

Chicago White Sox (6) – Danks, Floyd, Buerhle @ Texas Rangers (3) – Lee, Wilson Lewis

Boston Red Sox (5) – Lester, Buchholz, Beckett @ New York Yankees (4) – Sabathia, Hughes, Burnett

NFL Post Season Model - National League

First round byes: Philadelphia Phillies and San Francisco Giants

St Louis Cardinals (6) – Wainwright, Carpenter, Garcia @ Cincinnati Reds (3) – Arroyo, Cueto, Wood

San Diego Padres (5) – Latos, Richard, Garland @Atlanta Braves (4) – Hudson, Hanson, Lowe

The 2009 MLB Season

NHL Post Season Model – American League

Tampa Bay Rays (8) – Shields, Garza, Niemann @ New York Yankees (1) – Sabathia, Burnett, Pettitte

Seattle Mariners (7) – Hernandez, Rowland-Smith, Fister @ Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (2) – Weaver, Lackey, Kazmir

Detroit Tigers (6) – Verlander, Jackson, Porcello @ Minnesota Twins (3) – Baker, Blackburn, Slowey

Texas Rangers (5) – Millwood, Feldman, Hunter @ Boston Red Sox (4) – Beckett, Lester, Buchholz

NHL Post Season Model – National League

Chicago Cubs (8) – Dempster, Lilly, Zambrano @ Los Angeles Dodgers (1) – Wolf, Kershaw, Padilla

Atlanta Braves (7) – Vazquez, Jurrjens, Hanson @ Philadelphia Phillies (2) – Lee, Hamels, Martinez

Florida Marlins (6) – Johnson, Nolasco, Sanchez @ St Louis Cardinals (3) – Carpenter, Wainwright, Pineiro

San Francisco Giants (5) @ Colorado Rockies (4) – Jimenez, de la Rosa, Marquis

NFL Post Season Model – American League

First round byes: New York Yankees and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Detroit Tigers (6) – Verlander, Jackson, Porcello @ Minnesota Twins (3) – Baker, Blackburn, Slowey

Texas Rangers (5) – Millwood, Feldman, Hunter @ Boston Red Sox (4) – Beckett, Lester, Buchholz

NFL Post Season Model- National League

First round byes: Los Angeles Dodgers and Philadelphia Phillies

Florida Marlins (6) – Johnson, Nolasco, Sanchez @ St Louis Cardinals (3) – Carpenter, Wainwright, Pineiro

San Francisco Giants (5) @ Colorado Rockies (4) – Jimenez, de la Rosa, Marquis

Note: There is some nice parity here. Only the Philadelphia Phillies would’ve received first round bye in each of the two seasons under the NFL model. And under the NHL model, there’d be a five team different for post season qualifiers between the two seasons. This is solid.

Reset Rating: 10/10

Bud, make this or some semblance of this happen. Stat!

Reset: Lollapalooza 1991

What

2011 marks the 20^th anniversary of Lollapalooza—a certain "dammit, I’m old" realization for myself and various high school classmates. On paper, it was a dubious concept, based on an assumption that Jane’s Addiction could upsize to amphitheatres when fluffed by a series of like-minded souls from the alleged “Alternative Nation”. To the surprise of many, it worked. The annual summer caravan was a must-see proposition for us children of the Nineties. It was a place you moshed, bought really poorly made hemp necklaces, surfed archaic websites and railed about “society”, while devouring overprized slices of cold Pizza Pizza and hanging out with kids from your high school. Which OBVIOUSLY begs the question—what if we reset the entire first year line-up? Without the drama of the impending Jane’s break-up, the ferocity of Ice-T and star making sets from Nine Inch Nails, the next six summers may have sounded far different for a generation of suburban hipsters.

Components

Jane's Addiction
Siouxsie and the Banshees

Living Colour

Ice-T & Body Count

Nine Inch Nails

Butthole Surfers

Rollins Band

Replacement Parts

Jane's Addiction => Depeche Mode

This is a tough choice and I'm not entirely sure Depeche Mode were the best option. Ideally, it'd have been an American outfit headlining, but the Gunners would've been too trashy and R.E.M. too precious. Depeche Mode is the lesser of three evils and were clearly far, far more popular than Jane's Addicition at this point anyway. Yeah, not feeling it but ??? Given the timing, it's a fair bet than Dave Gahan would've died on this tour if they'd signed on.

Also considered: Guns N' Roses, R.E.M.

Siouxsie and the Banshees => The Cult

It still seems weird that the Banshees were popular enough in America to enjoy a sub-heading slot. I guess 1991 caught them at their commercial peak and a quick Wikipedia check confirms that Superstition, the album they were touring at the time, actually made the Billboard Top 40. Huh! Anyway, the Cult is a much better fit here IMHO--a proven, stadium-worthy outfit that appealed to both modern rock fans and white trash. Plus The Cult had US package tour experience with its own A Gathering of the Tribes festival a year prior in California.

Also considered: Love & Rockets, Dead Can Dance

Living Colour => Faith No More

Kinda similar, if you throw out the race card. FNM had finished cresting from "Epic"/The Real Thing by this point so Mike Patton would've likely been behaving badly on this one. Peeing on the audience. Punching the stage crew. Moshing(!!). In retrospect, it's surprising these guys never made the cut.

Also considered: The Pixies, The Replacements

Ice-T & Body Count => Public Enemy

Much like FNM, the mighty Public Enemy were starting to bottom out by 1991 yet were still courting controversy wherever they went. Apparently a solid live act, they'd have easily jived with the confrontational line-up and inspired must shoving and crowd surfing with the audience.

Also considered: N.W.A., Black Sheep

Nine Inch Nails => Skinny Puppy

This is an obvious swap, considering that Trent Reznor was still very much aping the Canadian industrial pioneer's MO in 1991. It'd be interesting see how Ogre would've managed to turn on the menace during daylight hours in midwestern amphitheatres et all.

Also considered: Sisters of Mercy, Foetus, Pop Will Eat Itself

Butthole Surfers => The KLF

An about face from the Buttholes but fitting if you consider this to be the "wacky" slot on the bill. I'm sure the unpredictable KLF/Timelords/JAMMs would have had some tricks up their sleeves and attempted to get themselves kicked off the tour. It’d probably have included a dead sheep or something. I'd give them 2-3 shows before Perry and friends gave them the boot.

Also considered: The Dwarves, Iggy Pop, The Cramps

Rollins Band => Helmet

Slow, grindy hard rock might not be the best curtain jerker for a package tour so at least Helmet would be able to bring some youth and energy, over and above the sounds that Rollins' crew could provide. They'd be pretty much unknown at this point but who knows--maybe they'd have sold a few more CDs and gotten a bit more radio play if they'd have occupied this slot. 

Also considered: Cop Shoot Cop, Unsane, Tad

Reset Rating: 7/10 

It’s solid overall. Still concerned about the headliner status—considering whether Neil Young or The Cure would be a viable alternative to the DM/Gunners/R.E.M. proposition. Otherwise, I think it works. The Dwarves are probably a more direct substitution for the Butthole Surfers. But the KLF are too underrated and far too forgotten not to make this line-up. Will have t-shirts made up shortly.