Special Report: Canadian Musical Copycats 2.0

For an explanation to how this “game” works (… and remember, LIFE is a game), read here.

Two. Point. Oh. Regulators!!!!

Images in Vogue – Canada’s answer to the Psychedelic Furs
There are probably a dozen other UK outfits that you could sub in for the Furs—Ultravox might be a good alternative. And yet whatever the causality, the early Images in Vogue singles seemed to be written by template, taking cues (and liberties) from the British New Wave of the age and ensuring that every last key and every last ounce of melodrama aligned perfectly with whatever was spilling out of the Motherland. “Lust for Love” especially sounds like the finest Furs’ song never recorded and when you contemplate Richard Butler’s love of aping David Bowie, you can establish a very nice continuum twice removed.

Alfie Zappacosta – Canada’s answer to Steve Perry
The Eighties were a good… no, a great time for homely looking dudes who were brimming with confidence and weren’t afraid to grow out their hair into a nasty poof of flaxen locks. Ex-Journey singer Steve Perry was one. Toronto’s Alfie Zappacosta was another. And by another, I mean another Steve Perry. “We Should Be Lovers” has to be in the Top Five of videos where the song is completely inconsistent with the visuals. The clip features a Jello wrestling motif and our hero making out with some androgynous lady (guy?) wearing a modified do rag and puffing away on a cigarette holder. It’s pretty dire. Also, pervy move by Alfie, sniffing that girl's shirt.

Candi and the Backbeat – Canada’s answer to Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
This… I mean, this was SOOOO blatant. And if the aesthetic similarity between these bands weren’t obvious enough (see image above), Candi and friends released a song called “Under the Latin Moon” as their first track, maybe in efforts to deflect the epicentre of offensive, vaguely-Latino Top 40 from Miami to Toronto. It didn’t work. Unrelated, the Candi drunk driving PSA, featuring a stiff flatlining, was tremendous and completely ineffective.  I mean, why would anybody take this sobering advice from somebody who didn’t even have a last name?!?

Tom Cochrane – Canada’s answer to John Cougar Mellencamp
This suggestion is bound to miff Red Rider completists. And I’m OK with that. Slowly but surely, Tom Cochrane (TC) morphed from a pig-faced, Floyd-acknowledging rocker into a gruff, rootsy rocker, along the lines of John Cougar Mellencamp (JCM). TC’s metamorphosis was complete when he wore a tassled suede jacket in the “Life is a Highway” video.

Jr Gone Wild – Canada’s answer to The Replacements
The career arcs of Edmonton’s Jr Gone Wild and Minnesota’s Replacements are startlingly similar...
* Phase I: Thrash bands who played a lot of hardcore punk rock shows even though neither outfit were truly a hardcore punk rock band
* Phase II: College rock bands that refined their original sound and created music that was catchy enough to attract the ears of Co-eds but gritty  enough to distance itself from anything on commercial radio
* Phase III:  AAA-type bands in their golden years. The Replacements imploded amid personality conflicts with Nirvana borrowing from the band’s image (and getting paid for it). Jr Gone Wild poured on the country towards the end with Wilco borrowing from the band’s image (and getting paid for it). 

Mystery Machine – Canada’s answer to Sunny Day Real Estate
Yeah. Lots of expressive guitars. Wordy vocals. Northwestern roots. Solid but kind of forgettable bands overall. Although there is a small core of individuals (I know at least two) who suggest that Mystery Machine were the premiere Canadian band of the Nineties. “Wake Up Pill” was a strong track. 

Sum 41 – Canada’s answer to blink-182
The naming convention alone makes this a no brainer, since Sum 41 blew up in the wake of blink-182’s popular “mall punk” sound. In comparison, Sum 41 seemed more bratty and honestly, blink-182 had some serious songwriting chops if you ask me. “Adam’s Song” was kind of awesome.

The Salads – Canada’s answer to 311
The strange thing about the Salads is that they were essentially a dead ringer for 311 and yet showed up several years after 311 had already crested commercially. I supposed loud frat boy party tunes never really go out of style (at least amongst loud frat boys) but this positioning seemed way to obvious, even in the moment. We’re not dealing with the most refined pallet here but still…. BTW, The Salads is an awful band name. Without checking, I assume they call themselves The Salads because they blend lots of musical styles together, much like a salad blends lots of vegetables together. Not good.

Alice Glass – Canada’s answer to Karen O
This is a study of where the artists align in a physical sense, if not a sonic sense. As an observer, it would seem that Alice Glass from Toronto’s Crystal Castles took more than a bit of inspiration from Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. And it’s quite possible considering (A) the Castles broke 4-5 years after the YYYs did and (B) their hair is similar. Other similarities include leather, heavy eye shadow, Converse sneakers, a penchant for jumping into crowds (and flailing about once there) and deadpan expressions. Interestingly, the Crystal Castles and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs have actually inched closer to one another soundwise too, especially since the last Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ full-length, It’s Blitz!, was bathed in kind of aggressive electronics that the Castles specialize in.

Jully Black “Seven Day Fool” – Canada’s answer to Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black
From what I know about Jully Black, she seems like a pretty cool chick. She doesn’t take herself too seriously. She seems to put a lot of heart into what she does. But holy hell—Black releasing “Seven Day Fool” mere months after Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black album blew up was clearly the work of somebody trying to "make bank" on a trend. “Seven Day Fool” was incongruent with anything that Black had released prior… and pretty congruent with about half the tracks on Back to Black. The video didn’t help. It’s hard to judge the song on its own merits since it was birthed in the shadow of something that was entirely fresh at the time and yet in its own way, completely regressive (in some ways) to Sixties’ girl groups, early Eighties’ ska and a bunch of other styles. It is messy analogy but one based on ton of evidence.

Special Report: Toronto: War of the Wards

The concept is a MAJOR motion picture about the Toronto City Council circa 2011.

Working title => Toronto: War of the Wards

The movie would be a “dramedy” and feature plenty of mean spirited political humour, just a sprinkle of misogyny and a few key shots of the sun coming up over Nathan Phillips Square.  The ensemble cast would be divided between “The Insiders” (current Council members) and “The Outsiders” (various non-Council influencers). For the sake of continuity, there would be 10 of each.

In a pivotal scene, fake Rob Ford would engage in fisticuffs with an angry cluster from the Toronto Cyclists Union. The action cumulates with fake Rob hurling a 10 speed in their general direction, quipping, “Speak only when spoke-n, too.”

Riveting.

Another primary objective of the film would be to intertwine generations of Toronto civic leaders. This is largely a device to get fake Mel Lastman some screen time.

The Cast

The Insiders: Nobody REALLY knows what goes on inside of Toronto’s city council. …. Actually, yes they do--here is a full archive of meetings and minutes. Anyway, let’s not kid ourselves—the Council is a combative, combustible clash of egos and things always get blustery with mayor Rob Ford at the eye of the tornado. Best sit back, hold on tight and (try to) enjoy the ride.

1. Adam Vaughan => Adam Clayton (in a rare acting role)
2. Denzil Minnan-Wong => Fred Armisen
3. Doug Ford => Eric Stonestreet
4. Frances Nunziata => Joan Baez (I repeat, in a rare acting role)
5. Giorgio Mammoliti => Joe Rogan
6. Gord Perks => Gary Sinese
7. Karen Stintz => Maria Bello
8. Mary Fragedakis => Sofia Milos
9. Mike Layton => Topher Grace
10. Rob Ford => Philip Seymour Hoffman

The Outsiders:  A seasonal blend of chair people, critics and ex-heavyweights, each Outsider stirs the pot in his or her own unique way. And when they say “too many cooks spoil the broth”, picture one of these ne’er-do-wells in traditional kitchen whites.

1. Adam Giambrone => Wil Wheaton
2. Barbara Hall => Janis Ian (I repeat, in a rare acting role)
3. Bill Blair => Christopher Walken
4. Bob Kinnear => Stephen Baldwin
5. David Miller => John Slattery
6. George Smitherman => Larry Miller
7. Joe Pantalone => Tony Sirico
8. Mel Lastman => Billy Crystal
9. Paul Godfrey => Harvey Keitel
10. Stephen Ledrew => Stanley Tucci

Reset: The Pavement Song Book

Blame R.E.M.

... for effectively making it OK (and even expected) to invent song titles that have absolutely nothing to do with the lyrics, melody or subject matter of the song in question. They exhibited it here. And later on here. And even here. In fairness, they picked their spots and yes, it gave R.E.M. a certain mystique that was hard to penetrate in the pre-Internet age. 1986. Etc.

Later on, some outfits took this model to an extreme whereby they not only assigned song titles that confused listeners; in some instances, they were grammaticalyl incorrect... or weren't even words(!!!) See Aphex Twin.

It's neither a good thing or a bad thing. It's just a thing. And nobody glommed on to this "thing" to the extent that Pavement did. Especially early in their career, Stephen Malkmus and friends took great delight at confusing listeners with noisy noise rock that was strangely tuneful and yet completely obscured behind obtuse song titles and scribbly album art. The band ultimatey parlayed this willful obscurity into becoming one of the most critically lauded outfits of the last quarter century. Somehow in spite of their efforts. Not because of them. They were/are special.

Here is a look at what their discography may have looked like if they "played it straight" when naming their songs. Perhaps they would've become R.E.M. if they weren't born difficult.

Revised titles in bold type.

Slay Tracks (1933–1969) EP (1989)
1. You're Killing Me
2. Box Elder
3. Maybe Maybe
4. She Believes
5. Price Yeah!

Demolition Plot J-7 EP (1990)
1. Forklift
2. You Shouldn't Hate Your Body ('cause It's Part of You) - formerly Spizzle Trunk
3. Recorder Grot
4. Internal K-Dart
5. I Wasted - formerly Perfect Depth
6. Recorder Grot (Rally)

Perfect Sound Forever EP (1991)
1. Heckler Spray
2. From Now On
3. Ask Me - formerly Angel Carver Blues/Mellow Jazz Docent
4. Drive by Fader
5. Debris Slide
6. Pull My Lips Band and Watch Me Smile - formerly Home
7. Krell Vid-User

Slanted and Enchanted (1992)
1. Summer Babe (Winter Version)  
2. Trigger Cut/Wounded Kite at :17
3. No Life Singed Her
4. What I Want - formerly In the Mouth A Desert
5. I'm Tryin', I'm Tryin' - formerly Conduit For Sale!    
6. Zürich Is Stained
7. Bogged Down - formerly Chesley's Little Wrists
8. Loretta's Scars
9. Here
10. Two States
11. Radio Active - formerly Perfume-V
12. Fame Throwa
13. One Holy Life - formerly Jackals, False Grails: The Lonesome Era
14. It Never Comes - formerly Our Singer

Watery Domestic EP (1992)
1. A Texas Mile - formerly Texas Never Whispers 
2. So Much Style - formerly Frontwards 
3. Two Colors - formerly Feed Them To The Lions (Linden) 
4. Don't Expect - formerly Shoot The Singer (1 Sick Verse) 

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain (1994)
1. Silence Kit   
2. Why You're Complaining - formerly Elevate Me Later
3. Stop Breathin'
4. Cut Your Hair
5. Brand New Era - formerly Newark Wilder
6. (Let's Burn the) Hills of Beverly - formerly Unfair   
7. Gold Soundz
8. 5-4=Unity
9. Range Life
10. Heaven Is a Truck
11. Hit the Plane Down
12. I Need to Sleep - formerly Fillmore Jive

Wowee Zowee (1995)
1. We Dance
2. Rattled By The Rush
3. No One Has a Clue - formerly Black Out
4. We Got The Money - formerly Brinx Job
5. Dying on These Streets - formerly Grounded  
6. Serpentine Pad
7. Let Me Be - formerly Motion Suggests
8. Angel of Corpus Cristi - formerly Father To A Sister Of Thought
9. Extradition  
10. Best Friends Arm
11. Grave Architecture
12. Room Service Calls - formerly AT&T  
13. Let You - formerly Flux = Rad
14. Fight This Generation
15. Why Didn't I Ask? - formerly Kennel District
16. You Don't Move - formerly Pueblo
17. Dream About the Witch Trials - formerly Half A Canyon
18. Western Homes

Brighten the Corners (1997)   
1. Stereo  
2. Shady Lane  
3. Transport Is Arranged  
4. Magic Lands - formerly Date with IKEA  
5. Old To Begin  
6. Type Slowly  
7. Embassy Row  
8. Luster - formerly Blue Hawaiian  
9. We Are Underused  
10. Passat Dream  
11. Starlings Of The Slipstream  
12. Prison Architects - formerly Fin  

Terror Twlight (1999)
1. Spit On A Stranger
2. Pardon My Birth (I Just Slipped Out) - formerly Folk Jam  
3. You Are A Light
4. One Way Track - formerly Cream Of Gold
5. Major Leagues
6. Serengeti Nightmare - formerly Platform Blues
7. Ann Don't Cry
8. Billie 
9. Speak, See, Remember
10. The Hexx
11. ...And Carrot Rope

Reset: Major League Baseball Hall of Fame 2.0

Major League Baseball is tremendous but the way it's marketed is horrible.

Easily the most conservative of the four major team sports, MLB has always relied on tradition and the depiction of “the grand old game” to draw fans in. But seriously, with each generation subjected to warbly mono renditions of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” and an intense policing of any official game footage on YouTube (to name but two offenses), MLB risks losing a nation of young people if it doesn’t change its ole time-y ways soon.

A positive first step could be hitting the Reset Button on the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s a fine spot to spend a summer’s afternoon. But it’d be a big step symbolically if MLB would forgo any future Cooperstown inductions and in lieu, open a fresh new facility (maybe in Manhattan or Boston) that could help bring the sports into the 21^st century (or even 1973, if you want to get snarky about it).

This Hall would be different. Here are a few ground rules that’d help differentiate it from Cooperstown:
- Voting is based 100% upon on-the-field performance. Drugs, gambling, womanizing, overeating. All irrelevant. If you could hit and/or pitch really, really well or made a big impact on the sport otherwise, that’s all that would matter.
- No five year waiting period to get in. The primary rationale is based on the opinion that MLB does a weak job of making its marquee players into household names. Case in point: why isn’t Albert Pujols at the level of celebrity of Tom Brady or Lebron James? The St Louis slugger put up an initial 10 seasons that’d rival the first decade of any player ever. And yet, what does the average baseball fan really know about him?!? He’s not a menace like Alex Rodriguez and not a lush like Miguel Cabrera nor a headcase like Brian Wilson. It’s unfortunate. From marketability alone, it’d be unique have actual Hall of Fame players on the field and might bump these dudes up a few notches in the celebrity ranks.
- You can vote players OUT of the Hall of Fame. This would be pretty exciting if all of a sudden people realized that a certain player’s historical significance lessened as time passed. Image the debate, the outrage if this happened. Fires would be set. Families would dissolve. It’d be wonderful. Personally, I might vote Ryne Sandberg out of the existing HOF if given the chance. He was good. But not THAT good.
- Give votes to people outside the Baseball Writers Association of America. More bloggers, maybe long time season ticket holders, Geddy Lee, etc. It’d be nice if there was an acknowledgement of voices outside this antiquated old boys club.

A few additional refinements would need to occur but in the meantime, here is a roll call of the players and non-players that I’d have inducted immediately into the Baseball Hall of Fame 2.0. Comments in parenthesis where warranted.

Position Players
- Alex Rodriguez
- Barry Bonds (100% no brainer.)
- Chipper Jones
- Craig Biggio (Personally, a far superior player to Ryne Sandberg overall plus he spent more years on the Astros than Sandberg did on the Cubs. So there.)
- Derek Jeter
- Ichiro Suzuki (See Appendix A)
- Ivan Rodriguez
- Jim Thome (A guy who is on the bubble in reality but I think he needs to make it. He gets fingered as largely a “counting stats” guy but check out the career OBP. It’s more than solid.)
- Manny Ramirez (In spite of his pathetic 2011 retirement episode.)
- Mark McGwire
- Omar Vizquel (Basically a modern day equivalent of Luis Aparicio and Ozzie Smith. Plus he’s apparently friendly as hell.)
- Pete Rose (Needs to get in ASAP. He is kooky but putting Pete Rose in the initial wave of inductees for HOF 2.0 would be a MAJOR news story.)
- Rafael Palmeiro (Similar to Thome in terms of longevity. Although that insincere finger pointin’ episode in Congress is so laughable, it basically hit The Reset Button on his credibility.)
- Sammy Sosa (His skin is bleached now apparently.)

Pitchers

- Greg Maddux
- John Smoltz (I like the parallels with Dennis Eckersley.)
- Mariano Rivera
- Pedro Martinez
- Randy Johnson
- Roger Clemens (Such an a-hole but on stats alone, easily one of the Top Five pitchers ever.)
- Tom Glavine
- Trevor Hoffman (I could see him and Rivera as maybe the last two closers ever elected to the HOF. Managers and General Managers alike are getting wise to the fact that investing in any closer long term is not good for business. The BJ Ryan contract with the Blue Jays might turn out to be one of the more influential contract bombs of the past decade.)

Everybody Else

- Bill James, statistician
- Billy Martin, manager
- Bobby Cox, manager
- Dave Duncan, pitching coach
- Donald Fehr, head of Major League Baseball Players Association (Most annoyed looking HOF 2.0 member.)
- Joe Torre, manager
- John Schuerholz, general manager
- Leo Mazzone, pitching coach (HOF 2.0 member most likely to be mistaken for somebody with nerve damage.)
- Marvin Miller, head of Major League Baseball Players Association (It took a United Steelworker to obliterate MLB’s infamous reserve clause. Miller’s handiwork was effectively ground zero for the escalation of MLB player salaries over the past 40 years.)
- Scott Boras, player agent (Evil but deserving, based on influence and fear alone.)
- Sean Forman, website founder (Founder of BaseballReference.com, easily the most referenced MLB website of the past decade.)
- Tim Dierkes, website founder (Tim created to horribly addictive MLBTradeRumors website and could be a gateway to a new wave of MLB influencers from outside the immediate circle.)
- Tony La Russa, manager

Appendix A

The Reset Button is on the bubble over whether there should be a fourth category for individuals who were “Historically significant and/or memorable” rather than “Great”. Occasionally, a player such as Ichiro Suzuki can be both. If it’s given a go, here are a few names of players and non-players who should be considered:
- Andy Van Slyke
- Bo Jackson
- Curt Flood
- Curtis Pride
- Doc Ellis
- Fernando Valenzuela
- Jim Abbott
- Jim Eisenreich
- Jim Morris
- Lenny Dykstra
- Roger McDowell
- Tug McGraw
- Turk Wendell
- Billy Beane, general manager
- Charlie Finley, owner
- Don Zimmer, manager/coach
- Lou Piniella, manager
- Walt Hriniak, hitting coach

Special Report: Ten Non-Goth Goth Songs

This is a definition of "gothic rock" from our friends over at Wikipedia. Thanks!

Gothic rock takes the guitar and synthesizer sounds of post-punk and uses them to construct "foreboding, sorrowful, often epic soundscapes". According to music journalist Simon Reynolds, standard musical fixtures of the genre include "scything guitar patterns, high-pitched basslines that often usurped the melodic role; beats that were either hypnotically dirgelike or 'tribal'". Reynolds described the vocal style as consisting of "deep, droning alloys of Jim Morrison and Leonard Cohen". Many goth bands use drum machines that do not stress the back beat in the rhythm. Also, they tend to play the flanging guitar effect, producing a brittle, cold, and harsh sound that contrasted with their psychedelic rock predecessors. Gothic rock typically deals with dark themes addressed through lyrics and the music atmosphere. The poetic sensibilities of the genre led gothic rock lyrics to exhibit literary romanticism, morbidity, religious symbolism, and/or supernatural mysticism.

Ok, fair enough. So this covers the Cure, Bauhaus, the Birthday Party, Sisters of Mercy, etc. But what about the first Sinead O'Connor album? Kinda sorrowful and kinda epic if you ask me. What about Godspeed You! Black Emperor? In the late Nineties, nobody was making soundscapes like these super serious Montrealers. PLUS they sang about a wallet full of blood. A wallet full!

Also, into the conversation, you need to add the Smashing Pumpkins, the Stranglers, Screamin' Jay Hawkins, Johnny Cash, Grace Slick (enjoyed making scary faces at the camera), the Rapture, Warpaint, Sarah McLachlan, Helium. And how about Enya? By definition, Enya could be considered goth as (heck)!

The point of this hyperbole is that in a sea of ridiculously vague musical subgenres, few are as ridiculous as "gothic rock". And to help burst the bubble of thousands of suburban white kids clad in black dusters, here is a list of ten non-goth goth songs. Prove me wrong!

“A Song for Europe” by Roxy Music

Bryan Ferry straddles the line between creepy and goth on “A Song for Europe”, an early indication that Roxy Music had way (slightly?) more depth than the topless females on their album covers would indicate. A disjointed eulogy to the continent, Ferry growls and brays his way through the lyrics, rhyming “sorrow” and “no tomorrow” (pretty goth!!) , and sounding positively bummed throughout. Bonus points for the bizarre outro that features Ferry scatting in Latin and French—hey, he’s bummed so cut him some slack. The finest song that Nick Cave never wrote.

“(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult

What’s not to like/fear about “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper”: unsettling guitar riffs, emotionless vocals, lyrics that talk about dying AND that dastardly SOB, “the reaper”. That’s messed up! Blue Oyster Cult never came close to matching the commercial success of this 1976 downer and yet they continue to make bread on the casino circuit, chugging away and busting out this track that could easily be filed as the first true goth rock song IMHO.


"In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins

Who knew this annoying bald dude could pen such a dark, dour number … and get props from such known haters as Nas and Eminem in the process. Phil Collins’ minor key masterstroke was recorded over 30 years ago but holds up IMHO and in fact, becomes more and more spooky as the world continues to move away from analog. May I be so bold as to suggest that given the song was recorded in 1979, it easily could’ve taken off a small amount of its studio sheen and slotted nicely on to Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures. Sounds ridiculous but seriously, I don’t think it’s so farfetched. The video is equally as terrifying: a prolonged close up of Phil Collins’ face(!!)

“Edge of Seventeen” by Stevie Nicks

Stevie Nicks always had a bit of a Wiccan edge to her and she brought this side of her coked-out self to the mainstream on “Edge of Seventeen”, anchored by its trademark guitar riff and Nicks’ mournful lyrics about death and dying. For years, I thought this was a Concrete Blonde track, which is ridiculous considering Nicks’ trademark howl is amongst the most recognizable in rock music. Sadly, the song became slightly less goth when Destiny’s Child decided to sample it for “Bootylicious”. Jelly goth.


"Feeling Gravitys Pull" by R.E.M.

This track is most memorable for the disjointed guitar work of Peter Buck that kicked off R.E.M.’s difficult third full-length, Fables of the Reconstruction. “Feeling Gravitys Pull” still sounded like R.E.M. but also sounded a bit… off. Steep in a vague exploration of the mythology of the South (if you believe Wikipedia, anyway), this is one of the more creepy cuts from the R.E.M. discography and grows more and more obtuse on repeat listens. It sounds like a band trying to reclaim its edge by throwing spooky stuff into the works, even though the fop-haired mid-Eighties Michael Stipe was a massive wimp and would look like a complete tool in a black trench coat.

"The Ledge" by the Replacements

Minneapolis might not strike the average listener as a very goth city but there is something pretty unsettling about this 1987 number from the Replacements. Paul Westeberg and friends seem like the type of band who'd prefer to injure goths rather than serenade them. And yet the despondent chord structure and lyricism of "The Ledge" is filled with plenty of angst and isn’t too far removed from The Mission and bands of this ilk. After all, “The Ledge” is not only about ledges—it’s about people who are looking to jump off ledges. Unfortunately, the tune looses a few points for mentioning donuts. Maybe they’re blood-filled donuts. It doesn’t specify.

"Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson

“Thriller” is not goth so don’t go there, girlfriend! But maybe, just maybe, this somewhat-forgotten single from Bad is. “Dirty Diana” is supposedly about a groupie gone bad. So in MJ's case, it's about a bratty 8-year old boy. It’d be hard for MJ’s massive vocals to pull off a legit goth track but with some help from Billy Idol's guitar player Steve Stevens, he gave it his best shot on "Dirty Diana". If this ever ended up in the hands of Peter Murphy or Gavin Friday, there would be some serious potential for some minor key madness.

"Come Undone" by Duran Duran

It’s pretty amazingly that an antiquated act like Duran Duran struck commercial gold in 1993, given the tastes of the day veered strongly towards flannel and gansta rap. Maybe it’s because the band used a few delicious droplets of goth to build out “Come Undone”, a sultry, sleezy ode to… um, coming undone. It’s certainly way more pop than goth. But still—the vocals and guitar set a sinister tone. Plus the video is pretty badass, as there are few things more goth than sea turtles and crustaceans.

"Here With Me" by Dido

Very similar in sound and feel to the aforementioned Duran Duran track, the debut single from Dido is urban and haunting and textured. Her audience may have been largely teenage girls but whatever the case, Dido took a page from Sarah McLachlan and created a Top 20 smash that was both memorable and just a bit sinister—a tough double play to pull off. Unfortunately, the marketing machine behind Dido never gave her a chance to become a hero to the pale teenagers in black nail polish, considering she looked more like a 12-year old boy than a banshee.

"Hometown Glory" by Adele

This song should be considering goth if only due to the fact that is rallying against one’s hometown is practically a national pastime in the Goth Nation (GN). I blame society. Again, Adele doesn’t look the part but her sense of drama and dynamics (and her love of black clothing) could render her a goth icon if she was spun a bit differently. Instead, she got a bit too soulful and is now selling out hockey arenas. Oh well. Liz Fraser would have a field day with this cut. Hometowns suck.

Special Report: Canadian Musical Copycats 1.0

There is no denying that art influences art. As one of the finest (and most shallow) thinkers of our time once quipped: What is art? Are we art? Is art art?

This fact has never been lost on cagey record labels and A&R types, who tend to focus on artists who seem familiar rather than those who don't. Nowhere was this more apparent than in Canada during the latter third of the 20th century, when a great many of the Canadian artists you'd hear on the radio were essentially the domestic counterparts of popular favourites from the United States or UK. Sometimes, the lines drawn were completely superficial and had little to do with how the music actually sounded. They had more to do with pants and lighting and hair and sunglasses.

Example: the video for I Mother Earth "So Gently We Go". The clip seemingly was influenced by the videos for Temple of the Dog "Hunger Strike" and Blind Melon "No Rain"--in retrospect, 1992-1994 was a watershed time for "Hey, look at us! We’ve set up our instruments in a field!" music videos. Now, not only was I Mother Earth similar to these other bands in their desire to crouch in long grass, they were also similar in their look and appearance: reasonably good looking white guys in hemp necklaces and considerable haircuts. But otherwise, these three outfits were pretty different in terms of how they sounded. I Mother Earth were friggin' heavy when they wanted to be. Blind Melon were quirky and poppy, almost veering into Violent Femmes territory at times. Temple of the Dog were austere and earnest. But the end game was the same: Canadian fans of Temple of the Dog and Blind Melon now had a new band to enjoy with minimal effort and transition. Again, purely from a superficial level since they'd never even consider getting into I Mother Earth if they looked like the guys in Poison. This was 1994.

Canadian popular music history is wrack with these kind of case studies but to be fair, it works both ways.

One could suggest that Toronto's Fifth Column helped pave the way (and mold the template) for the unbathed ladies of Bikini Kill, Huggy Bear and much of the Riot Girl movement, considering their roots go back to the early Eighties. As an aside, Fifth Column had a tune called "The Fairview Mall Story" about a gay police shakedown that took place at this North York shopping plaza during the mid-Eighties. It was rather exciting to hear people singing about Fairview (in spite of the subject matter) since I grew up five minutes away. I only wish Hayden, Poledo or the Scam Artists could've written a tune about the much maligned Thornhill Square during its heyday. Hot Diggity Dog, Key Nook--we will never, EVER forget you.

Likewise, the Germs (or at least their brain dead singer, Darby Crash) were basically a SoCal version of what Steve "Nazi Dog" Leckie and the Viletones were doing up north months prior. However, one could also argue that both these numbskulls were just taking Iggy Pop's shtick and putting a regional spin on something that wasn't theirs to begin with.

So yeah, both ways but moreso Canada aping elsewhere. Here are 10 life-altering proof points. All “net new”.

Lighthouse - Canada's answer to Chicago

To be honest, this is based entirely upon a decade long confusion between "Saturday in the Park" and "Sunny Days". Turns out both tunes were released in 1972 and both outfits put out their debut full-length in 1969. I'm going to plead ignorance on this since I wasn't ever born when this was all going down.

Dalbello - Canada's answer to Cyndi Lauper

OK, this is more like it and similar to the I Mother Earth/Temple of the Dog/Blind Melon example from earlier. Lisa Dalbello seemed to be cultivating an image that was very similar to Cyndi Lauper, with bits of Siouxsie Sioux thrown in for good measure. But sound-wise, miles apart. Lauper was Top 40 all the way, focusing on party tunes and big ballads. Dalbello was more obscure, sounding like a less theatrical version of Kate Bush or Grace Jones with hooks awash in the overproduced, synth-heavy style of the times. Unrelated, Dalbello's "Tango" is a candidate for most ridiculous-yet-awesome track of 1987.  She is also somewhat foxy in the facial department. I mean, she looks a bit like a fox.

Doug and the Slugs - Canada's answer to Huey Lewis and the News

Sweaty, brash bar bands with gregarious everymen out front. This one is way, way too obvious. The late Doug Bennett never had the chiselled good looks of Huey Lewis but that didn't stop he and his Slugs from capitalizing on the... Wikipedia update: Many of the Slugs' biggest hits actually hit before the News had their first Billboard Top 10 smash. So perhaps the climate was just right for blue collar rock bands that appealed to factory workers who enjoyed a solid pop hook but found the Cars and Cheap Trick "too weird". Let's go with that.

Kon Kan - Canada's answer to the Pet Shop Boys

This is interesting. Based on marketing alone, you’d think Kon Kan were positioned to be Canada’s answer to the Pet Shop Boys: two dudes—one out front delivering deadpan vocals with the other in back, messing around with a synthesizer and seemingly the “brains” of the operation. Often while wearing a hat. Um, this sounds like Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe to a tee, no? And yet in sound and composition, one could argue that Kon Kan were more akin to M|A|R|R|S or the Timelords, since all three outfits managed to score mainstream hits with quirky sampling and dance beats, effectively predating the whole early 00s mash-up craze by over a decade. Interesting indeed and I still think “I Beg Your Pardon (I Never Promised You a Rose Garden)” is one of the more bizarre singles to ever make the Canadian Top 20.

Sheree – Canada’s answer to Taylor Dayne

I seriously hope there was a meeting at BMG’s Canadian HQ in the late Eighties where some skeevy dude with a ponytail uttered, “Find me Canada’s Taylor Dayne. Pronto!” Or something like that. It’s one of the only plausible explanations as to why Sheree (not to be mistaken with Sheree) got signed. In fairness, Taylor Dayne was kind huge at the time so it was a calculated risk. But it both instances, it showed that sassy blondes often have a limited shelf life in the music business, with the possible exception of Edgar Winter.

Bootsauce - Canada's answer to the Red Hot Chili Peppers

An embarrassment on multiple levels, Bootsauce might be the ultimate Canadian copycat example of the last quarter century. For those not hip to the scene, Bootsauce were a group of funky customers from Montreal who were barfed out on to Much Music in the early Nineties, après the success of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Jane’s Addiction and other groovy rock bands featuring shirtless dudes playing slap bass. These guys were super annoying and yet scored a few mid-sized hits, namely  a cover of Hot Chocolate’s “Everyone’s a Winner”. Luckily, they had zero staying power while the Peppers quickly veered into M.O.R. territory by the late Nineties. Lesser of two evils?

Delerium - Canada's answer to Enigma

The concept of blending beats, Gregorian chants and classical is still pretty obtuse by today’s standards but also completed dated considering the notion enjoyed its commercial peak close to two decades ago. Enigma pioneered this sound with their creepy 1990 smash “Sadeness” (what’s with the extra ‘e’ BTW?!?) and birthed a few ill-advised imitators. Delerium were one such outfit as some dudes from Front Line Assembly smoothed their MO post-“Sadeness” to spit out a few decent singles that appealed to smug urban dwellers. Then, Portishead showed up and everybody glommed on to that for a while. File all this (stuff) under “What would Dead Can Dance do?” and I guarantee that people wouldn’t have danced to “Flowers Become Screens” if Enigma hadn’t come first.

The Gandharvas – Canada’s answer to Blind Melon

This is an example that is entirely based on two tracks: the aforementioned “No Rain” and the Gandharvas’ only major commercial smash, “The First Day of Spring”. May I be so bold as to suggest it’s impossible to like one without liking the other? The vocals, the arrangement, the timing, the clothes. Everything points to YES and everything points to somebody trying to break this London outfit as Canada’s trippy, dippy approximation of Blind Melon. Even better, you could argue that the Gandharvas second biggest track “Downtime” was basically a Canadian take on the Pixies’ earthy classic “Dig for Fire”. So similar, man!

SIANspheric - Canada's answer to My Bloody Valentine and/or Slowdive

Burlington, Ontario shoegazers SIANspheric clearly took notes when listening to their Slowdive and My Bloody Valentine albums, as their mammoth debut Somnium was heavily indebted to these bands in sound, texture and even cover art. That being said, it seems that anybody who was a fan of this album or saw SIANspheric live would contend that they were every bit the equal of their UK forefathers and have subtly released one of the stronger Canadian debut albums in recently memory. But man, the cover art for Somnium looks like a dot matrix equivalent of Loveless.

The Stills - Canada's answer to Interpol

A final example and one that took place right as the record industry was imploding. The Stills were marketed as dark, brooding and influenced by the murky edges of Britpop and Joy Division/the Cure/etc. Essentially, the exact same image that Interpol used to bust out of New York in 2002. Unfortunately, Interpol were kinda drab and their songs didn’t really have legs beyond their year of release IMHO. The math is pretty simple if you extend to the Stills.

Trade Winds: Real Housewives 2.0

Despite their shared loves of spray tans and delusion, Danielle Staub and Camille Grammer are clearly cut from different cloths. The former is a paranoid, tortured soul with a checkered past and a will to make things right (supposedly) for her impressionable daughters. The latter is self-absorbed, spacey and may have a legit personality disorder. That being said, these women are beloved for their ability to ruin dinner parties and play "the victim" as needed--an important skill in Housewives Land. While it appears both are off the Bravo payroll, here is a look at what could transpire if these two troublemakers ever swapped addresses.

... again, not that I care.

The Trade
To The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Camille Grammer
To The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Danielle Staub

The Impact

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
The arrival of this minor TV celebrity causes quite the stir in Jersey, namely amongst Teresa Giudice (who half-heartedly tries to befriend Camille before hurling pasta AT her) and Caroline Manzo (who never addresses Camille without starting each sentence with "Listen, you..."). An appearance by Camille's psychic friend Allison Dubois further fans the flames, with the medium offering bold predictions about future financial woes (and potential jail time) for Teresa's husband Joe and suggesting that the Manzon clan is, in fact, NOT thick as thieves. These words obviously lead to a customary freakout from Teresa (sauce and bruschetta to the floor) and Allison calmly absorbing the action while puffing on her electronic cigarette. All the while, Camille appears confused by the conflict, chalking the entire episode up to jealousy and misunderstanding. An additional story arch will feature Camille and Jacqueline Laurita shopping at Kim D's strip mall boutique, Posche, with Camille purchasing a pair of slacks and a great top.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Upon arrival to her digs deep within the Hollywood Hills, Danielle immediately calls in her wingman "Danny" to keep guard of the place 24/7. After all, she trusts the hell out of him. Unfortunately, she has trouble keeping her nose clean as soon as she ventures on to Rodeo Drive. Verbal fisticuffs ensue with Kyle Richards. Origins unclear. Something about Danielle flashing "bedroom eyes" in the direction of Kyle's man, Mauricio. This triggers shouting match #2,105 between Kim Richards and her arch rival, Taylor Armstrong. When asked about the verbal sparring after the fact, Kim says, "Huh?". Meanwhile, "Danny" spends his downtime casing various multi-million estates and striking up a fast friendship with the frumpy Ken Vanderpump. These odd bedfellows concoct a low level ponzi scheme with "Danny" doing most of the grunt work, due largely to Ken's unwillingness to put his beloved pooch Giggy on the ground for even a second.