TBD

Entroducing a Major League Baseball-UFC Hybrid

Thought. Major League Baseball has long suffered the stigma of being an old person's sport, seemingly without the action or intrigue to attract "the millennials". In an effort to combat this, there is potential to strike up a deal with Dana White and the UFC, and hold an off-season 10 match "super card" that pits the stars of MLB against one another in MMA-style battles. The event could take place outside in one of MLB's more climate appropriate stadiums (I'm thinking The Ballpark at Arlington or Chase Field and help bridge the gap of the long offseason.

I'm sure Michael Weiner and the Major League Baseball Players Association would TOTALLY sign off on this. I mean, it's not like there'd be any liability issues or anything?!?

Sure. Yes. Neat.

Here is a prospective first year card... 

CC Sabathia (Age: 31, Height: 6'7", Weight: 290 lb) vs Prince Fielder (Age: 27, Height: 5'11", Weight: 275 lb)

Analysis: The ultimate super heavyweight tilt that you could hope for in MLB. Huge contracts! Superstar profiles! Midriff bulge! Yes, it would mean we'd have to see the lumpy Prince in board shorts (barf!) but this could be the Andre the Giant vs Big John Studd for a new generation if marketed correctly. Epic in size, scale and appetite.
Verdict: CC

Tim Lincecum (Age: 27, Height: 5'11", Weight: 165 lb) vs Dustin Pedroia (Age: 28, Height: 5'9", Weight: 180 lb)

Analysis: On the other end of the spectrum, these two pint-sized superstars would very much like to put up their dukes, defending the honour of San Francisco and Boston respective. Honestly, I'm not sure how The Freak would do in the octagon, since he's just a "widdle guy" plus he's confessed a healthy appetite for the weed, which'd impact reaction times, etc. Pedroia is damn aggressive too. This one is easy to call.
Verdict: Dustin, quickly

Chris Carpenter (Age: 36, Height: 6' 6", Weight: 230 lb) vs Zack Greinke (Age: 28, Height: 6' 2", Weight: 190 lb)

Analysis: Milwaukee-St Louis is probably the best rivalry in MLB at the moment and I loved when these two had a war of words in the press during the post-season. In one corner, you have a lanky dude from New England with a cranky personality. In the other, you have the athletically gifted but mentally unsound enigma. Fascinating on a number of levels, especially when you consider that Carpenter's height advantage might be negated by Greinke's age and the fact he is a bit bipolar. Honestly, I would love to see these two beat on each other.
Verdict: Greinke but only by a slim margin

Brian Wilson (Age: 29, Height: 6'2", Weight: 205 lb) vs Jonathan Papelbon (Age: 30, Height: 6'4", Weight: 225 lb)

Analysis: Probably the two most annoying closers in MLB and now that JP has joined the Phillies, perhaps they'll get more opportunities to cross paths both on the diamond and off. Wilson tries way too hard to be a flake while Papelbon tries way too hard to be menacing... and has bad hair.
Verdict: Papelbon

Milton Bradley (Age: 33, Height: 6'0", Weight: 215 lb) vs Nyjer Morgan (Age: 31, Height: 6'0", Weight: 175 lb)

Analysis: Oh yes! These guys are both insane and would completely kick the (crap) out of one another. Bradley has a considerable weight advantage but is also very injury prone--his torn ACL was easily one of the most ridiculous sports injuries of the past 10 years. Morgan is probably angrier at this point in time, too. Another factor.
Verdict: Morgan in a surprisingly one-sided bust-up

Desmond Jennings (Age: 25, Height: 6'2", Weight: 200 lb) vs Brett Lawrie (Age: 21, Height: 6'0", Weight: 215 lb)

Analysis: In this service time spectacular, these two mid year 2011 rookies do battle in a match just oozing with swag. Honestly, this fight would be tremendous and would likely involve name callin' and showboatin'.
Verdict: Lawrie... or Jennings... I'm stumped

Rich Harden (Age: 29, Height: 6' 1", Weight: 195 lb) vs Erik Bedard (Age: 32, Height: 6' 1", Weight: 200 lb)

Analysis: Two ambulances would be waiting out back, as both these injury prone Canadians would no doubt be leaving the stadium in body bags. I mean, seriously, neither hurler can stay healthy enough to make it through a full MLB season so how are their weary bones and ligaments gonna react to the grind of an MMA bout? Badly. That's how.
Verdict: Harden by default, when Bedard trips in the ring steps and tears his left shoulder up again

Alex Rodriguez (Age: 36, Height: 6' 3", Weight: 230 lb) vs R.A. Dickey (Age: 37, Height: 6' 2", Weight: 220 lb)

Analysis: The Yankees-Mets rivalry has gone cold in recent years and this fight would really represent where both franchises are at circa right now. The Yanks would send arguably the greatest player of all-time and one of MLB's most familiar faces. The Mets would send a 30-something knuckleballer picked off the scrap heap. That being said, this could be a good underdog story and you shouldn't ever sell somebody with the last name Dickey short--he's probably been fighting to defend the honour of his last name his entire life.
Verdict: A-Rod although it'd be surprisingly close

Tim Wakefield (Age: 45, Height: 6'2", Weight: 210 lb) vs Omar Vizquel (Age: 44, Height: 5'9", Weight: 180 lb) 

Analysis: The two oldest players in MLB, one of whom (Wakefield) didn't really seem like an athlete to begin with. It'd be fun if this was a chessboxing-esque hybrid where the twosomes started things out by debating health care reform (Nancy Pelosi could moderate) and then had a rousing fist fight, showing that the mid 40s really is the new early 40s.
Verdict: "Omar comin'!!!"

Nolan Ryan (Age: 64, Height: 6'2", Weight: 170 lb) vs Robin Ventura (Age: 44, Height: 6'1", Weight: 185 lb)

Analysis: Celebrating the 20 year anniversary of one of MLB's most famous fights, Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura would have at it, as the assembled crowd chants, "One more time! One more time!" To up the ante and put something of a WWE spin on things, maybe Nolan would loose control of the Texas Rangers is he is defeated while Robin would immediately be fired from his freshly minted role as manager of the Chicago White Sox. Stakes is high, sons!
Verdict: Robin Ventura, in the ultimate act of comeuppance (via punching)

The Banishment of Archie "Snake" Simpson

A companion piece to The Emanicipation of Derek "Wheels" Wheeler, nothing bad ever seemed to happen to Wheels' co-best buddy Snake... or did it?!?

Sure, he was far less afflicted than most of his colleagues at Degrassi but that didn't mean that Snake wasn't devastated with some regularity.

Here is a peek at 10 moments that really sucked for Snake...

10. Snake's butterfly net

How humiliating? Joey, Wheels and Snake are trying to leave for the big weekend at Bronco's cottage (more on that later) and Mrs. Simpson humiliates her massive son by asking if he wanted to also bring his butterfly net. What a jerk!

9. Snake falls in the pool

A pivotal moment from the Summer from Hell, Snake was making his best efforts to mack on a pair of "lizadies" when he took a wrong step and fell backwards into the pool. WITH CLOTHES ON!!!! LOL!!! It's too bad because between the booty shorts and his liberal application of nose zinc, Snake-y Poo would've had those fare females eating out of the palm of his hand (so to speak).

8. Denied at the gentleman's club

Fake ID was a right of passage at Degrassi and Joey, Wheels and Snake plan a big Friday night at the local "peelers". They pool their funds but only 2/3 get to enjoy the show. Wheels and Snake make the cut but once inside, these dorks go "nom nom nom" on the Cokes and when they don't have enough bread for refills of their delicious soft drinks, the homely barmaid motions to the bouncer and Wheels and Snake are given the boot. Meanwhile, in an amazing scene, Joey is propositioned by a couple of ladies from "the oldest profession" but takes a pass, citing homework.

7. Reunited and it feels so bad

This was actually pretty edgy for the late 1980s: Snake's gay brother returns from college and says, "I'm gay too" in a jeep. Snake immediately becomes conflicted but eventually comes to grips with his feelings (and his brother's feelings about dudes). I love how "away at college" was a great plot device for television writers in the 1980s and 1990s, as a conduit for introducing an obscure brother or "friend of the family" that you wanted to introduce for a single episode and not make any commitment to long term. For further information, please refer to JB Slater, another sibling who came and went with the breeze.

6. The Zit Remedy breaks up

During Wheels' dark addiction to fries and video games, he sold his bass which effectively put the Zit Remedy on ice for years. Sure, they reunited in high school, eventually shooting a music video and hitting the casino circuit. But one could argue the soul of the band died when Wheels went off the deep end (and to a lesser degree, when they asked pretty boy Simon to join the band).

5. Not a playa

Snake was the Shawn Bradley of Degrassi but he really sucked at soccer. In fact, Wikipedia says he was "inept".

4. The car crash

Snake showed poor judgement when he allowed Joey to get behind the wheel of his parent's jalopy. Multiple times. He fell for the old "I just want to sit in the car" jibe and before long, a wild ride ensued that included an eye appointment and... wait for it... breakfast! The "Trust Me" episode filled an obscure quota that all 1980s television shows must contain a story arch involving underage children driving a car. 

3. Cold shoulder

Snake didn't know how to deal with the death of Wheels' parents. Blame immaturity but seriously, the lack of compassion that Snake showed Wheels was just plain cold, man.

2. Lakeside trauma

Putting his training to the test, Snake bravely dove into the lake and rescued the mysterious hussy Alison at Bronco's cottage. After the rescue, Snake was clearly shaken, tying a bow on what was the worst summer ever!!! Underrated subplot of the rescue: Luke and Yick dove into the water too, in spite of the fact that they were both fantastically stoned at the time (just check out Yick's clothes if you need proof). Given their state, it'd have been tragically ironic if one of these narbos also started to drown due to the fact they were overbaked.

1. Snake finds a corpse

"You alright?" asked Snake, as Claude bled from the skull in the boy's bathroom. No, the artsy Claude was not alright. Far from it. It took weeks, maybe months, of therapy and soul searching for Snake to overcome this tragedy and rightfully so. Too bad since this was probably Snake's best hair period during Degrassi's initial run.

The Emancipation of Derek "Wheels" Wheeler

... or what were the 10 greatest moments of Wheels' life?

Few characters in the annals of television/fiction/life were as snake bitten as Derek "Wheels" Wheeler. The sullen mainstay of the Degrassi franchise endured trauma after trauma through his character's various story arches and was clearly the most victimized person ever. Yick Yu may have been christened Mr. Yu the Disorganized but if the man born Griff needed a new nickname, it'd be something like Derek "Hard Luck" Wheeler. Yeah!!

The fact his adoptive parents perished in a car wreck is horrible enough. But really, that was just the tip of the iceberg for Wheels. Who could forget his creepy run-in with an overly friendly "salesmen" in Port Hope? Or that frigid night spent on Snake's porch after his lame grandmother told him to hit the bricks? Oh yeah, and he drove drunk and killed a toddler. Seriously, the dude was a pariah.

However, The Reset Button would like to shine the light on some of the happier, fun-filled moments in Wheels' life. In the spirit of positivity if nothing else. Sure, Wheels ended up in, um, prison but man, he had some hellacious moments along the way. Here is a Top 10 list, in descending order.

10. Wheels gets a perm
Underrated subplot of School's Out. Wheels' hair is tremendous in the movie and looks pretty cool even when he's rocking the wet look. They never really explained how his hair got so curly and so considerable. But frankly, it's a good... no, a GREAT look for him.

9. Fries for everyone!!!
Sure, Wheels' ended up homeless and sleeping on a porch in the "Home Sweet Home" episode of Degrassi High. But the first half was pretty awesome, as Mrs. Jeremiah was (unknowingly) bankrolling a serious fries and video game habit.

8. The postcard (from hell)
Wheels was positively tickled when he received a postcard from his birth father, giving "Big Guy" a brief glimpse at life on the road, playing "rock". Things ended badly when Wheels hoofed it to Port Hope but the postcard made the kid crack a smile at least. Unrelated, I've always wondered where this scene was shot--I'm assuming Etobicoke somewhere off the QEW but I could be wrong. And lastly, a missed opportunity for a latter plot would've been Wheels' dad joining the Gourmet Scum and Wheels responding by throwing ALL his Scum cassettes into a garbage can.

7. Wheels: The Book
This breaks the fourth wall a bit but that's OK, because having a book named after you is a total power move, fake or otherwise. I really like how this book is just called Wheels and it's going for over $64 retail.

6. "Everybody Wants Something": The music video
Wheels probably never looked happier than when the Zit Remedy finally shot a music video for their epic smash "Everybody Wants Something". What was never discussed in detail is why Lucy shot the bloody thing on a security camera?!?

5. Wooed by Stephanie Kay
For ego if nothing else, Wheels must have felt pretty studly when former Degrassi prez Stephanie Kay aligned DW in her cross hairs. This exciting compilation video (note: WTF?!?) does a fine job of detailing her courtship, something that ultimately fell apart much like everything else in Wheels' life.

4. A slightly racist stomach dance
This is another underrated moment in Wheels' saga, since dancing on-stage with a Mexican face drawn on his stomach and a giant sombrero on his upper body was completely out-of-character for Wheels. This moment is made all the more remarkable in that it came in the wake of Claude's suicide. Wheels didn't seem to care in the slightest, as he was ready to party.

3. Wheels and Heather make out
I don't know what's more amazing about this slice of porch-based fun between Wheels and Heather: the fact that Wheels was able to score a little action while wearing such a puffy shirt (and painted-on jeans) or the fact half the school watched through the window as if they'd never seen something like this before.

2. Wheels gets wheels
Wheels inexplicably became a total gearhead in School's Out and accordingly, producers outfitted him with a sweet ride. This beast was supposed to take Wheels out west so he could connect with the mysterious "Karen" but of course, his ill-fated trip to "grab some chips" in cottage country threw a wrench in those plans. Whatever... she was an excellent car while she lasted.

1. The Zit Remedy rock the prom
This was a great moment all around. The kids of Degrassi were clearly into it (they all clapped along, after all). Snake did a little freestyle thing midway through the song. It was such a powerful performance, it even managed in induce labour. Sadly, Wheels' life went down the toilet from this point onwards but at least he'll always have the prom.

"Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon" is dead

October 14, 2011 may very well go down as the date the music died for a generation of aging hipsters.

This was the date that the core twosome of beloved noise rock outfit Sonic Youth announced that the curtain was coming down on their 27 year marriage. The noisy, civic union shared by Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon is no more (Moore?) and the news administered a superkick to the faces of thousands of music fans worldwide.

Sure, a quarter century plus is a minor miracle for a couple that galvanized their marriage by jamming drumsticks into thrift store guitars and singing about Karen Carpenter's eating disorder. However, Sonic Youth managed to grow old gracefully and effectively became the Wilford Brimley of indie rock: oat-fed, wise and kinda, sorta reliably "there".

It's TBD whether Sonic Youth will remain an entity but I'm not sure it matters because a page is turned either way.

Upwards and onwards, the TMZ crowd is clamouring to see who Thurston and Kim will date next and much like David and Beth in "The Wait Out" episode of Seinfeld, there is no doubt a sea of cool guys and girls who would give up their 4-LP vinyl version of Daydream Nation to engage in a real life relationship with either of these two.

The Reset Button is here to help and has established some sophisticated criteria for what Thurston and Kim would potentially be looking for in a mate and some ballpark "scores" for potential mates based on this criteria. For the sake of simplicity, let's assume they'll both end up back with musicians and all musicians are single. Because neither assumption is true. That's OK.

Thurston's criteria
1- Feels cassette tapes were underrated as a format
2- Describes something as "avant-garde" at least once a day
3- Owns custom-fitted earplugs and minimum three (3) albums from the Nihilist Spasm Band
4- Not really into facial expressions
5- Claims to be a huge Rita Ackermann fan

Kim's criteria
1- Likes to dance ironically to Madonna's The Immaculate Collection
2- Enjoys going to fashion shows but would never admit that he enjoys going to fashion shows
3- Always felt Tina Weymouth was/is "kinda foxy"
4- Own a selection of very interesting corduroy trousers
5- His apartment smells like a musty bookstore and to a lesser degree, he smells like a musty bookstore

Thurston's matches
81% - Jennifer Herrema (ex -Royal Trux)
68% - Lydia Lunch (solo, ex-Teenage Jesus and the Jerks)
54% - Mary Lou Lord
53% - Yoshimi P-We (The Boredoms)
47% - Annie Clark (St Vincent)

Kim's matches
91% - Vincent Gallo
70% - Gerard Cosloy (ex-Dustdevils, Matador Records) 
66% - Michael Gira (Swans)
51% - Mick Harvey (ex-Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds)
32% - James Chance (James Chance and the Contortions)

Music Festivals: The Tapas of Concert Going

Festivals are to the "concert going" experience as tapas restaurants are to the "dining out" experience. Only way worse.

In both instances, you get to enjoy a range of options in bite-sized increments. Sometimes, your favourite performer will hit the stage and you'll rue the fact that you're 35,000 corpses deep in the crowd. At other times, the focaccia will be dry. And for both, you often want to hit the Wendy's drive-thru afterwords since you're likely still somewhat hungry.

One could argue that this model works far better for dining than it does for concert going. It's less commitment, more intimate, the washrooms are (typically) better and there is just more personal space overall. Music festivals seem better in theory than in practice and while they inevitably produce countless moments that are primordially badass, the effort and intestinal fortitude to be upfront at one of these events is considerable. And really, there is a small degree of likelihood that you are going to get a prime set from your favourite outfit. In lieu, you'll get something bookended by sound and time constraints, dwarfed on a massive stage and flanked by a sea of shirtless dopes with Affliction t-shirts rakishly tucked into their board shorts.

Plus you might get squished.

Music festival do have merit if you are going primarily for a social experience with friends in a "Hey, it's summertime! Let's do something summer-y"-type fashion. Otherwise, they can be painful.

(End mini-rant)

Saw this amusing Jpeg on Facebook this week.

Amusing and completely accurate--a true template of the typical composition of a North American music festival. Using this as a model, here are two hypothetical festivals (one all Canadian acts, one not so much) that could conceivably take place sometime, somewhere in 2012.

BIG ROCK SHOW 2012
Foo Fighters * Beastie Boys
Ray LaMontagne * Rick Ross * Ween * My Morning Jacket
Gov't Mule * Leftover Salmon * Galaxie 500 (BTW why haven't these guys reunited yet?!?) * Kele Okereke * Mogwai * Diane Birch * The Shaolin Afronauts * Washed Out * Boy Least Likely To

CANADIAN BIG ROCK SHOW 2012
The Arcade Fire * Rush
City and Colour * Kardinal Offishall * Sloan * The Sheepdogs
Matt Anderson * Blackie and the Rodeo Kings * Eric's Trip * Edwin and the Pressure * The Weeknd * Lights * Iya Ire * Socalled * Feist

Ten Mundane Concepts for Reality Television

In Extreme Couponing, everyday people save hundreds of dollars in trips to the store thanks to discount coupons. Tune in to TLC to see Extreme Couponing!

It was pretty jarring to learn that there was an actual TV program, built around footage of people using coupons at a local grocery store. Yes, I get that this isn't "couponing", it's "extreme couponing"!!! But still--it's pretty gnarly to think that something as banal as saving 30 cents deserves its own timeslot.

Therefore, The Reset Button would like to propose ten program concepts to the decision makers at TLC, Slice or anyone else that will listen--all no more or less mundane (... well, sometimes more) than a television program based on coupon redemption.

... Oh, and if anybody tries to lift any of these ideas, I will SUE yo' ass!!!

Crossing Guard Confidental
The life and times of a small town crossing guard (or "guards" as they call them in "the biz") in an unnamed Midwestern town. The series will address key issues such as accessorizing with fluorescent orange, the evolution of hand signals and the awkwardness of being a full-grown adult walking solo and having a crossing guard escort you through an empty intersection.

Dented
An inside look at discounted grocery items such as dented cans, expired medications and end-of-line SKUs. Includes some key quotes from grocery industry insiders ("Oh, those? Yeah, we just pile them in a broken shopping cart at the back of the store. We throw them out if they don't sell in about a month.") and various old people who like to rifle through the assortments in search of "treasures". The program also explores the indignation of writing the price directly on the packaging with a Sharpie pen, rather than a traditional price tag.

Bus Stop
A gritty examination of a local bus stop, unscripted and in your face. Some people listen to iPods, two ESL students quietly chat to themselves, somebody checks their watch. Captivating stuff.

24/7 Franks
We've all seen hot dog carts in Toronto that advertise themselves as 24/7. Were you ever curious to see who is patronizing these places between 6:00-10:00am? Now you can! Watch as new Canadians re-stock their coolers with soft drinks, stare aimless into nothing and fiddle with napkins. You'll also get an exclusive glimpse at the pivotal moment when our heroes decide to remove hour-old weiners from the upper grill and place them into the garbage.

Squirrel
A Wild Kingdom-style expose on the life of a squirrel in "the big city". While the sleeping scenes leave a lot to be desired, there is a fun episode where our furry friend contracts the mange. Narrated by James Earl Jones.

Confessions of a Blue Bin Sorter
Life moves fast for the guys and gals who get their mitts on our recyclables down at the sorting plant. You won't believe your eyes when you see some of the extreme items (styrafoam, blister packs, cloth) that end up on the assembly line. Early Emmy buzz for the engaging "So you think you can recycle linoleum?" episode.

Defrag Live
A engaging talk show that sees an everyday computer owner get their notebook defraged live in front of a studio audience. Join host John O'Hurley as he probes into the issues behind the defrag (Note: it's always some variation of "trying to free up disk space" or "removing unused programs"). To play up the technological theme, the announcer kicks things off with a rousing "Live from the Silicon Valley...".

The Off Season
In this gripping reality series geared at sports fans, producers look at what becomes of a local baseball diamond during the months of November through March. Oh, it might be covered with snow but that doesn't mean the action has the stop! Includes footage of people walking their dogs, office workers dining in their cars in the nearby parking lot and sporatic visits from local civic officials, keeping an eye on things.

Insole Asylum
A six-part docudrama about an everyman who gets insoles for his favourite pair of loafers. Watch as his posture improves slightly and he describes the act of putting on his shoes ("cushy") and taking off his shoes ("ooh, ah, ooh").

Change Jar
Pennies. Dimes. American pennies. You can find all these and much, much more in a change jar. Each episode will see a different Canadian flaunt their change jar, delving into the back story ("Been collecting since '04", "It's mainly pennies", "There's the odd button in there") with a degree of cadence and realism you don't see in most reality programming. The series will also attempt to answer the "Coin rolls: Friend or foe?" debate, with insight from some of the world's leading economists.